Several weeks ago, old bad sitcom lovers, I posted the first scene (teaser, actually) from a spec THE NEW WKRP IN CINCINNATI I wrote about 20 years ago titled "The Carlson Legacy", and for that first scene and a short overview of how and why I came to write it, you can go here. Have the time now to post the next scene in which Mr. Carlson is awaiting good news about his family being named to one of Cincinnati's 200 most prominent families as part of the city's "Countdown to 200" bicentennial celebration, while the station has just scored its hghest listener ratings in years. So let us proceed -- annnnnd.... ACTION!
*********************************************
ACT ONE, SCENE A
INT. DJ BOOTH - DAY (A WEEK LATER)
(Razor)
RAZOR D
(INTO THE MIC)
All right, rock and rollers,
you're with the Razor Man, and
we're here on the mighty K-R-P
where we've been number twelve
in the Queen City for the past
week. Which is a lot better
you're with the Razor Man, and
we're here on the mighty K-R-P
where we've been number twelve
in the Queen City for the past
week. Which is a lot better
position than my lady friend
had me in last night. Baby,
if you're listening, the
camper's still shakin'!
had me in last night. Baby,
if you're listening, the
camper's still shakin'!
CUT TO:
ACT ONE, SCENE B
INT. RECEPTION AREA - DAY (A FEW MOMENTS LATER)
(Nancy, Carlson, Donovan)
(NANCY IS AT THE DESK. CARLSON ENTERS FROM OUTSIDE JUST AS DONOVAN ENTERS FROM THE HALLWAY)
CARLSON
Morning, everyone.
(NO RESPONSE)
CARLSON (CONT'D)
CARLSON (CONT'D)
Oh, Donovan, congratulations again on
the new ratings book. Mother says
her phone hasn't stopped ringing all
week.
DONOVAN
Well thanks, Chief, but it was really
the work of everyone. No matter how
small or insignificant their job was.
NANCY
Does that mean you're finally going
to thank me for unclogging your coffee
maker?
(TO CARLSON)
It drips again.
DONOVAN
Oh, yeah. Tell you what. Have a cup
when you get the chance. On me.
NANCY
(NOT THRILLED)
Gee, thanks.
(AS DONOVAN EXITS)
It'll be on you all right.
(CARLSON WANDERS OVER TO THE DESK. STARTS
GOING THROUGH THE PAPERS AND ENVELOPES ON
IT)
CARLSON
Did the mail come yet?
NANCY
Sorry boss, but you specifically told
me to throw out anything that looked
like it was junk mail from an
insurance agent, a cable company,
or Ed McMahon. I remember.
insurance agent, a cable company,
or Ed McMahon. I remember.
CARLSON
(POKING AROUND IN THE WASTE BASKET)
This isn't from any of those places.
It's from the Countdown to Two
Hundred committee and looks exactly
like --
Hundred committee and looks exactly
like --
(HE FISHES A PACKET OUT OF THE TRASH AND
SHAKES IT OFF)
NANCY
He-e-e-re's Johnny!
CARLSON
Uh, right.
(HE HEADS FOR HIS OFFICE WITH THE PACKET)
NANCY
Who knows? you may have already
won a ten million dollar policy and
your beneficiary will be announced
on the all-"Star Search" channel.
(CARLSON EXITS INTO HIS OFFICE)
RESET TO:
INT. CARLSON'S OFFICE
(Carlson, Donovan, Herb, Les)
(CARLSON GETS SETTLED, THEN:)
CARLSON
(INTO iNTERCOM)
Nancy, could you please tell Herb,
Donovan and Les to come into my
office?
(HE LOOKS OVER THE ENVELOPE AS HERB, DONOVAN AND LES ENTER. HERB IS AGAIN GASPING, BUT CARLSON DOESN'T NOTICE)
DONOVAN
You called, Chief?
CARLSON
Ah, you're all here. As you know,
Les was nice nenough to submit the
Carlson name for the list of the
city's two hundred most prominent
families, and since I consider you
all part of my family, I wanted to
have you all here for what will most
certainly prove to be one of the
proudest --
(NOTICES HERB)
What's wrong with him?
LES
Another Mona incident. This time it
was a riding gear and tack shop.
HERB
I don't know, Big Guy. I was just
sitting there, and sudddenly all I
could see were all these whips and
leather...
(HE STARTS GASPING AGAIN)
CARLSON
Herb, maybe you should see a shrink.
DONOVAN
Or a veterinarian.
CARLSON
How about some water?
HERB
Thanks. But I'll get it myself.
(HE DASHES OUT OF THE OFFICE)
CARLSON
(TO DONOVAN AND LES, AS HE STRIDES BACK AND FORTH)
Well, as I was saying before, this
is certainly going to be one of the
proudest --
SFX: BEEPER
(DONOVAN CHECKS HIS PAGER)
DONOVAN
(TO LES)
Whoops, that's me. Gotta run.
(D0NOVAN EXITS. CARLSON DOESN'T NOTICE)
CARLSON
(STILL STRIDING, REALLY INTO HIS ORATORY NOW)
...So when I open this envelope,
we can all share this wonderful
moment together.
(HE TURNS AND SEES NO ONE BUT LES. THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER FOR A BEAT)
LES
And we're all extremely
flattered to be sharing it with
you, Mr. Carlson.
CARLSON
(OPENING THE ENVELOPE)
Well, at any rate...
LES
Ooh, this is exciting! You'll be
right up there among all the
other bigwigs and muckymucks!
(CARLSON PULLS A SHEET OF PAPER OUT OF THE EVNELOPE AND STARTS READING IT)
CARLSON
Let's see... Brinkman, Browning,
Butterworth, Carter, Cashman... It's
not on here.
(READING AGAIN)
Butterworth, Carter, Cashman...
Something's wrong. I should be in
here between Butterworth and Cashman.
LES
Maybe it's a printer's error.
CARLSON
What do you mean?
LES
Well, remember when the government
printed all those dollar bills that
said "In God We Thrust"?
CARLSON
This is more important than a few
silly billion misprinted dollars,
Les. The good name of my family is
at stake. In fact, right now it's
apparently nonexistent.
(HE PEEKS INTO THE ENVELOPE AGAIN)
CARLSON
(PULLING OUT ANOTHER SHEET OF PAPER)
Ah, here we are.
(READS)
"We regret to inform you that upon
further research, the Countdown
Committee has decided that it cannot
include the Carlson name in our list
of Cincinnati's two hundred most
prominent families. Have a nice
day."
LES
(CRESTFALLEN)
Mr. Carlson, you're not a bigwig.
You're not even a muckymuck.
CARLSON
Les, what's going on here? You were
in on this. You gave them my name.
LES
I was only on the nominating board,
not the selection committee. Don't
blame me! I'm not responsible for
something you're trying to cover
up!
CARLSON
I'm not trying to cover up
anything! I haven't got a family
that's got anything worth covering
up! I mean, well you know what I
mean. That committee has made a
monumental error!
(LES'S FEATHERS HAVE BEEN RUFFLED BY WHAT CARLSON SAID)
LES
Boy! You work for someone all these
years and you think you know him,
then wham! Smitten with the cold
hard reality that your boss is
some kind of charlatan. A fake. A
phony. A misprinted three
dollar bill! And if you think you're
going to include me in some
dastardly scheme to hornswaggle
that committee into changing its
mind, which apparently in some
circles your family must be known
for, I'll tell you right now that I
will not allow the sterling image of
Les Nessman, holder of eight Silver
Sow awards, to be dragged through
the mud!
(LES STORMS OUT IN A HUFF. A BEAT, THEN CARLSON LOOKS AT THE LETTER AGAIN)
CARLSON
They want reputation? All right,
I'll give them reputation.
(HE THINKS FOR A MOMENT, THEN PICKS UP A PHONE BOOK AND STARTS THUMBING THROUGH IT. HE FINDS WHAT HE'S LOOKING FOR. PICKS UP THE PHONE AND STARTS DIALING, WITH A PURPOSE. THEN AFTER A BEAT:)
CARLSON (CONT'D)
(INTO PHONE)
Hello, Heritage Genealogical
Society? This is Arthur J.
Carlson. The Arthur J. Carlson.
That's right, of the Cincinnati
Carlsons, one of the city's most
prominent families and I demand to
be immediately connected with
someone who can -- what's that?...
Yes, I'll hold.
DISSOLVE TO:
****************************************************************
What will Mr. Carlson find out about his family? Stay tuned for future scenes!
-- Thomas Pynchon
INT. CARLSON'S OFFICE
(Carlson, Donovan, Herb, Les)
(CARLSON GETS SETTLED, THEN:)
CARLSON
(INTO iNTERCOM)
Nancy, could you please tell Herb,
Donovan and Les to come into my
office?
(HE LOOKS OVER THE ENVELOPE AS HERB, DONOVAN AND LES ENTER. HERB IS AGAIN GASPING, BUT CARLSON DOESN'T NOTICE)
DONOVAN
You called, Chief?
CARLSON
Ah, you're all here. As you know,
Les was nice nenough to submit the
Carlson name for the list of the
city's two hundred most prominent
families, and since I consider you
all part of my family, I wanted to
have you all here for what will most
certainly prove to be one of the
proudest --
(NOTICES HERB)
What's wrong with him?
LES
Another Mona incident. This time it
was a riding gear and tack shop.
HERB
I don't know, Big Guy. I was just
sitting there, and sudddenly all I
could see were all these whips and
leather...
(HE STARTS GASPING AGAIN)
CARLSON
Herb, maybe you should see a shrink.
DONOVAN
Or a veterinarian.
CARLSON
How about some water?
HERB
Thanks. But I'll get it myself.
(HE DASHES OUT OF THE OFFICE)
CARLSON
(TO DONOVAN AND LES, AS HE STRIDES BACK AND FORTH)
Well, as I was saying before, this
is certainly going to be one of the
proudest --
SFX: BEEPER
(DONOVAN CHECKS HIS PAGER)
DONOVAN
(TO LES)
Whoops, that's me. Gotta run.
(D0NOVAN EXITS. CARLSON DOESN'T NOTICE)
CARLSON
(STILL STRIDING, REALLY INTO HIS ORATORY NOW)
...So when I open this envelope,
we can all share this wonderful
moment together.
(HE TURNS AND SEES NO ONE BUT LES. THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER FOR A BEAT)
LES
And we're all extremely
flattered to be sharing it with
you, Mr. Carlson.
CARLSON
(OPENING THE ENVELOPE)
Well, at any rate...
LES
Ooh, this is exciting! You'll be
right up there among all the
other bigwigs and muckymucks!
(CARLSON PULLS A SHEET OF PAPER OUT OF THE EVNELOPE AND STARTS READING IT)
CARLSON
Let's see... Brinkman, Browning,
Butterworth, Carter, Cashman... It's
not on here.
(READING AGAIN)
Butterworth, Carter, Cashman...
Something's wrong. I should be in
here between Butterworth and Cashman.
LES
Maybe it's a printer's error.
CARLSON
What do you mean?
LES
Well, remember when the government
printed all those dollar bills that
said "In God We Thrust"?
CARLSON
This is more important than a few
silly billion misprinted dollars,
Les. The good name of my family is
at stake. In fact, right now it's
apparently nonexistent.
(HE PEEKS INTO THE ENVELOPE AGAIN)
CARLSON
(PULLING OUT ANOTHER SHEET OF PAPER)
Ah, here we are.
(READS)
"We regret to inform you that upon
further research, the Countdown
Committee has decided that it cannot
include the Carlson name in our list
of Cincinnati's two hundred most
prominent families. Have a nice
day."
LES
(CRESTFALLEN)
Mr. Carlson, you're not a bigwig.
You're not even a muckymuck.
CARLSON
Les, what's going on here? You were
in on this. You gave them my name.
LES
I was only on the nominating board,
not the selection committee. Don't
blame me! I'm not responsible for
something you're trying to cover
up!
CARLSON
I'm not trying to cover up
anything! I haven't got a family
that's got anything worth covering
up! I mean, well you know what I
mean. That committee has made a
monumental error!
(LES'S FEATHERS HAVE BEEN RUFFLED BY WHAT CARLSON SAID)
LES
Boy! You work for someone all these
years and you think you know him,
then wham! Smitten with the cold
hard reality that your boss is
some kind of charlatan. A fake. A
phony. A misprinted three
dollar bill! And if you think you're
going to include me in some
dastardly scheme to hornswaggle
that committee into changing its
mind, which apparently in some
circles your family must be known
for, I'll tell you right now that I
will not allow the sterling image of
Les Nessman, holder of eight Silver
Sow awards, to be dragged through
the mud!
(LES STORMS OUT IN A HUFF. A BEAT, THEN CARLSON LOOKS AT THE LETTER AGAIN)
CARLSON
They want reputation? All right,
I'll give them reputation.
(HE THINKS FOR A MOMENT, THEN PICKS UP A PHONE BOOK AND STARTS THUMBING THROUGH IT. HE FINDS WHAT HE'S LOOKING FOR. PICKS UP THE PHONE AND STARTS DIALING, WITH A PURPOSE. THEN AFTER A BEAT:)
CARLSON (CONT'D)
(INTO PHONE)
Hello, Heritage Genealogical
Society? This is Arthur J.
Carlson. The Arthur J. Carlson.
That's right, of the Cincinnati
Carlsons, one of the city's most
prominent families and I demand to
be immediately connected with
someone who can -- what's that?...
Yes, I'll hold.
DISSOLVE TO:
****************************************************************
What will Mr. Carlson find out about his family? Stay tuned for future scenes!
*******************************************************
"Every weirdo in the world is on my
wavelength."
-- Thomas Pynchon
