A Donkey Can Still Kick An Ass

So here we are, the day after. And we're all breathing. For some of us it's a deep long breath of relaxation; for others, the short stuffy hyperventilation kind. 

But the main thing is that the midterm elections are finally over and for the most part we pretty know what the results are.

But wait.  There will certainly be excuses and misinformation from the man in the White House as to why our country went so overwhelmingly blue; and very little of it, if any at all, will involve his admitting any responsibility for the outcome. 

However, just to be on the safe side, and to alert you as to some of the things you may hear from the right over the next few days, I've drawn up a list 0f things (provided to me by one of the people who are part of Trump's inner circle -- Karoline Leavitt's nanny) and this is what you can expect to be...

TRUMP‘S TOP 10 REASONS WHY THE REPUBLICANS LOST THE MIDTERMS 

10) "Vladimir Putin promised me both diesel fuel and votes – what happened to the votes?"

9) "It’s the Haitians’ fault – they’re eating the cats! They’re eating the dogs! They’re eating the ballots!"

8) "I wouldn’t worry at this point -- we’re still waiting for the returns from Greenland"

7) "I thought we fixed our election fraud problems – after all, I’ve fixed more elections than any president in history"

6) "Maybe I shouldn’t have deported all those illegals who registered Republican"

5) "JD Vance should have stopped wearing eyeliner at his rallies -- he looked like a trans"

4) "Not enough Trump Bible purchasers came out to offset the Muslim vote" 

3) "It's all Katie Zacharias's fault"

2) "Next time, no one runs without me first examining their ass"

AND TRUMP'S NUMBER ONE REASON WHY THE REPUBLICANS LOST THE MIDTERMS:

"So I could save myself from having to mail out millions of $5000 checks" 

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

  -- Thomas Pynchon

Ruffling the Thanksgiving Turkey Feathers

Let's face it. It's been a rough year with the economy, the government and even our culture all seemingly in an upheaval, but hopefully, we've finally arrived at the time of the year where we can put aside all our worries and cares and just relax a little. 

But not this year.  The things that have been happening since January don't just stop and take the day off on Turkey Day, so sadly we're going to have to cope for the time being; and thus unfortunately, I guess I'll have to be the one to deliver the sad news that this year's problems are far from over and make you aware of the...

TOP TEN SIGNS THE U.S. IS HAVING A BAD THANKSGIVING

10.) RFK Jr. says eating turkey causes autism

9.) MAGA supporters begin to protest at shopping malls, demanding the day after Thanksgiving be called "White Friday"

8.) Trump just imposed a 500 percent tariff on your giblets 

7.) Your bank is currently offering long-term low-interest loans so you can afford Thanksgiving dinner

6.) Saying “Sounds gay to me,” Pete Hegseth prohibits all military personnel from eating candied yams

5.) 1-800-BUTTERBALL Hotline is being staffed by laid off air traffic controllers

4.) When asked what kind of dressing he likes, Trump replies “I like young beautiful women who are undressing”

3.) Mike Johnson shuts down the government again, calling Thanksgiving a socialist plot cooked up by Bernie Sanders ("Free turkeys for everyone!")

2.) Macy’s Santa Claus is manhandled and detained by ICE agents for illegally entering the country every December 24^th

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN THE U.S. IS HAVING A BAD THANKSGIVING…

This year, Trump’s pardoning turkeys that have only one wing

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

  -- Thomas Pynchon

Pinching Pennies to Make America Great Again

Friends, it's now been nearly 9 months since we've seen a radical change in our country -- the anger, the rhetoric, the fear, the half-truths, the non-truths and yes, unfortunately, the violence.

But what has, and probably will touch us most is how these times are affecting our wallets and our bank accounts.  When you visit your local grocery store, in the time it takes you close your eyes for five seconds and reopen them, prices have literally gone up 20 percent; and who wants to pay $29 for a jar of pickles, $39.95 for a frozen pizza or take out a loan to set your table for upcoming holiday meals?

In response, consumers have begun to turn more frequently to budget, thrift stores and discount outlets (Dollar Tree, Dollar General, Family Dollar, Aldi, Ollie's, and places like Goodwill, Veteran's Outlet and Salvation Army to name a few), all of which can offer good deals, if you look hard enough to find them. Problem solved, right?

Well, not exactly. Certainly, there are plenty of stores that offer good value for the money you spend, but there are a few places that while they look like you can get a great buy, once you take a second look, the store's name may give a clue as to what you'll be finding; and so as a public service to the smart consumer here are the...

TOP 10 BUDGET/THRIFT STORES YOU MIGHT WANT TO AVOID

10.) IKEA Returns

9.) Spoiled Produce

8.) Left On the Curb

7.) Nordstrom’s Flooded Basement

6.) It Fell Off A Truck

5.) Unclaimed Beef

4.) Dumpster Overstock

3.) Hoarders Paradise

2.) Bedbugs’R’Us

AND THE NUMBER ONE BUDGET/THRIFT STORE TO AVOID…

Used To Be A Dollar

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

  -- Thomas Pynchon

"I Now Pronounce This Training Camp Open!"

 Well, here it is -- the week all true NFL fans have been waiting for, the week that NFL training camps open; several this week for rookie reports and the rest of the league next week. And just like Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade marks the start of the Christmas shopping season, we can all now start ticking off the days until the official season -- the REAL football season starts, except instead of a parade we now get 330 pound linemen lumbering on to the practice fields with a rumble that'll set off the seismometers at Cal Tech. That's right, folks -- no more suffering through any XFL, USFL or any other junior league games. This is the real deal.  

But wait.  How do we know how our favorite team is going to do this year? Well, if you listen to the daily press briefings by the team's head coach, it might give you an inkling of expectations. However, because even the best of coaches can occasionally commit a faux pas on both the gridiron and in the pressroom, there are things you might hear them let slip in answering a question here and there  that wasn't meant for public consumption. So, as an aid to help you read between the sidelines so to speak during moments like these, here are my...

TOP 10 THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR YOUR FAVORITE TEAM'S HEAD COACH SAY DURING TRAINING CAMP

10.) “I know a 3 and 14 season last year wasn't what we expected, but it sure beat the 1 and 16 season we actually ended up with”

9.) “What are our plans for utilizing our number one draft choice? Well, our first plan is to convince him to show up”

8.) “Free agents? We don't need no stinking free agents!”

7.) “I can say for a fact that we had every intention of signing Stefon Diggs – right up until the moment we found out our equipment manager fled to Mexico with our bonus money”

6.) “This season, so that we play our best football during the third and fourth quarters, I'm limiting all halftime conjugal visits to10 minutes each”

5.) “This year, in order to keep any other team from stealing our offensive schemes, we'll be sending our plays in via mental telepathy”

4.) “This season, when that scoreboard clock strikes zero, I want to be convinced that we've left most of it on the field”

3.) “In the unforgettable words of the great Vince Lombardi. winning isn't everything, something, something, something...”

2.) “We plan on definitely being more focused this season, so this year I've decided to – squirrel!”

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING YOU DON'T WAN'T TO HEAR YOUR FAVORITE TEAM'S HEAD COACH SAY DURING TRAINING CAMP...

"I just found out that our entire offensive line plans to transition to being women -- and our GM told me to deal with it"

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

  -- Thomas Pynchon

Giving Thanks (Or Maybe Not)

So we've finally come around another year to Thanksgiving 2023, and everything seems to be on an upward trend. The economy is good, with major strikes settled people are working again and we've got more to be grateful for this year than we have in quite some time. It's all sunshine, candied yams and rainbows (with a side of chestnut dressing).

But wait just a second. That sunshine can suddenly be obscured by a dark cloud if something unexpected should happen on this special day of joy and thanks; and while it might not ruin the celebration, it can make you feel  just uneasy enough that you start thinking, "Well, maybe I'll have to wait until next year for the perfect Thanksgiving." And so, as an advance warning about some of the things that may give you a migraine on Thursday,  here's  a heads up on the...

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE HAVING A BAD THANKSGIVING

10.) A judge just fined you $25,000 for violating your gag order and badmouthing his chef

9.) That big screen TV you ordered through Amazon Prime and have been waiting the whole week for shows up just in time for you to miss watching all three Thanksgiving Day football games

8.) Rudy Giuliani offers to brush the turkey with some hair dye “just to give it a little bit more color”

7.) A family of out of town relatives drives over the river and through the woods and straight through your high tech newly remodeled kitchen

6.) Ron DeSantis asks you if you have any old phone books he can put on his chair so when he sits in it, he can see over the top of the table

5.) You're at the Republican Presidential Candidate Thanksgiving dinner where Vivek Ramaswamy keeps accusing Nikki Haley's daughter of taking too much time with the green bean casserole

4.) You decide to start your holiday shopping early by going online and a Chinese ransomware program locks your computer

3.) George Santos brings a turkey bloated with botox – and then asks you to pay for it

2.) You're forced to sit next to Lauren Boebert and she keeps groping your giblets under the table

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'RE HAVING A BAD THANKSGIVING...

Your MAGA Trump supporter uncle falls asleep during dinner, making this the most boring Thanksgiving ever

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

  -- Thomas Pynchon

The NFL In Merrie Old England

Well. football fans, after only two weeks into the season, we've already come to the part where things start to get a little weird; meaning basically that the NFL is making its annual pilgrimage back to Wembley Stadium in London in order to entice someone to perhaps decide to buy a franchise or relocate a team there.  This year, the victimized squad is once again the Jacksonville Jaguars who are not going to play only one, but TWO games there in consecutive weeks, the second being against the Buffalo Bills at the new Tottenham Stadium, which by the way is also in London. My main reaction to this is: Look out, Jaguars  season ticket fans, you may soon be paying thousands of dollars to watch your team play all its home games near the White Cliffs of Dover. 

However, it might be refreshing to see what kinds of changes may come to the game as a result of hopping the Atlantic, specifically in the form of how much more disciplined the game might be played and what kind of punishment might be incurred for different infractions. And so in both speculation and anticipation of what we may see at future NFL games played in London, I give you the...

TOP 10 PENALTIES WHEN THE NFL COMES TO ENGLAND

10.) Holding – 10 yards and sent to Harrod's Department Store without any charge cards

9.) Offside – 5 yards and being forced to eat a week's worth of jellied eels

8.) Ogling Kate Middleton as she and her boys enter the stadium – 15 yards and automatic beheading

7.) Roughing the passer -- 15 yards and an appointment with a British dentist

6.) Illegal formation -- 5 yards and being made to listen to denial excuses by Prince Andrew

5.) Not remembering to “Mind The Gap” – 5 yards and suspension of transfer privileges on the tube

4.) Defensive Pass Interference – 15 yards and offending player made to sing “Rule, Britannia!”

3.) Offensive pass Interference – Same thing, except he sings it backwards

2.) Refusing to acknowledge HRM King Charles as the true and rightful Monarch of The Realm – No penalty

AND THE NUMBER ONE PENALTY WHEN THE NFL COMES TO ENGLAND...

Calling the Referee “A Bloody Irish Dolt!” – 15 yards and a fortnight in the Tower

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

  -- Thomas Pynchon

"I Now Pronounce This Training Camp Open!"

Well, here it is -- the week all true NFL fans have been waiting for, the week that NFL training camps open; several this week for rookie reports and the rest of the league next week. And just like Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade marks the start of the Christmas shopping season, we can all now start ticking off the days until the official season -- the REAL football season starts, except instead of a parade we now get 330 pound linemen lumbering on to the practice fields with a rumble that'll set off the seismometers at Cal Tech. That's right, folks -- no more suffering through any XFL, USFL or any other junior league games. This is the real deal.  

But wait.  How do we know how our favorite team is going to do this year? Well, if you listen to the daily press briefings by the team's head coach, it might give you an inkling of expectations. However, because even the best of coaches can occasionally commit a faux pas on both the gridiron and in the pressroom, there are things you might hear them let slip in answering a question here and there  that wasn't meant for public consumption. So, as an aid to help you read between the sidelines so to speak during moments like these, here are my...

TOP 10 THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR YOUR FAVORITE TEAM'S HEAD COACH SAY DURING TRAINING CAMP

10.) “I know a 3 and 14 season last year wasn't what we expected, but it sure beat the 1 and 16 season we actually ended up with”

9.) “What are our plans for utilizing our number one draft choice? Well, our first plan is to convince him to show up”

8.) “Free agents? We don't need no stinking free agents!”

7.) “I can say for a fact that we had every intention of trading for Aaron Rodgers – right up until the moment we found out our equipment manager fled to Mexico with our bonus money”

6.) “This season, so that we play our best football during the third and fourth quarters, I'm limiting all halftime conjugal visits to10 minutes each”

5.) “This year, in order to keep Bill Belichick from stealing our offensive schemes, we'll be sending our plays in via mental telepathy”

4.) “This season, when that scoreboard clock strikes zero, I want to be convinced that we've left most of it on the field”

3.) “In the unforgettable words of the great Vince Lombardi. winning isn't everything, something, something, something...”

2.) “We plan on definitely being more focused this season, so this year I've decided to – squirrel!”

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING YOU DON'T WAN'T TO HEAR YOUR FAVORITE TEAM'S HEAD COACH SAY DURING TRAINING CAMP...

“As of today, I am declaring my candidacy for the Republican nomination for President of the United States”

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

  -- Thomas Pynchon