I'm At WKRP In Cincinnati (In My Head)

One of my all-time favorite sitcoms was WKRP IN CINCINNATI, the show about that loveable bunch of losers  who had all finally found a home at a Top 40 radio station in The Queen City of the Ohio River Valley after a format change. 

Fans of the show couldn't wait to see what  kind of misadventures station owner and manager Arthur Carlson (actor Gordon Jump), newsman Les Nessman (Richard Sanders), morning DJ Dr. Johnny Fever (Howard Hesseman), ad salesman Herb Tarlek (Frank Bonner) and the rest of  the group managed to get themselves enmeshed in every week, and anyone who remembers the series when it aired back in the 70's will never forget the classic Thanksgiving episode, "Turkeys Away" in which Mr. Carlson engineered what turned out to be, as his program director Andy Travis called it,"The most unusual promotion idea I've ever heard of," not to mention probably the greatest closing punchline in sitcom history.  If you want to see the episode, you can watch it here.

Which is why when in 1991, a couple of years after I moved out to Los Angeles, I was thrilled to find out that MTM Productions was bringing back a new version of the show in syndication, THE NEW WKRP IN CINCINNATI which included some new cast members, but also featured three of the originals (Mr. Carlson, Les and Herb) and promises that  a few of the other originals would make an appearance now and then.

Armed with that knowledge, I was able through channels to meet with one of the producers and subsequently came up with what I thought was a darn good story for the show, one in which the Carlson family discovers something about a promise one of their ancestors made and how it might affect them today -- at a most inopportune time  -- if I had only ever gotten the chance to pitch it.  At any rate, THE NEW WKRP IN CINCINNATI came and went after only two seasons, and my story went unread -- and unproduced.

But fear not! Thanks to the magic of the Internet, My story can still be read -- and laughed at (hopefully for all the right reasons).   Over the next few blogs, I'll post portions of the script, interspersed with my regular posts,  breaking the script down into its indivdual scenes,  so you can read them as you would a play -- and when I've posted all the scenes, I'll post the links to all of them so you can read it as a complete script.

A couple of details first:

(1) While the cast of the new version did include Mr. Carlson, Les Nessman and Herb Tarlek, all in their same positions at the station, there were some new faces in familiar spots.  Intelligent blonde receptionist Jennifer (Lonnie Anderson) had been replaced by ditzy blonde Nancy (Marla Rubinoff), the show's morning DJ was now a fellow named Razor D (played by French Stewart, who you may remember as Harry in THIRD ROCK FROM THE SUN), late night DJ Venus Flytrap's  (Tim Reid)  shift was now held by Mona Loveland (actress Tawny Kitaen of BACHELOR PARTY fame) and the program director whose job previously belonged to Andy Travis  (Gary Sandy)  was now a fellow named Donovan Aderhold (played by Mykelti Williamson, most memorable as Bubba, Forrest's shrimp business partner in the movie FORREST GUMP).

(2) Herb's fixation on the female employees at the station continues, only now it's directed at Mona now that Jennifer has moved on, but to complicate matters, Nancy, the current receptionist has a huge crush on Herb, and he wants nothing of it.

So let's begin with the teaser:

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THE NEW WKRP IN CINCINNATI

"The Carlson Legacy"

TEASER

FADE IN:


INT. RECEPTION AREA - DAY
(Mona, Nancy, Les, Carlson, Herb, Donovan)


(MONA AND NANCY ARE DECORATING THE ROOM WITH
STREAMERS AND ORNAMENTS, AS THEY WILL THROUGHOUT THE SCENE. LES ENTERS WITH A SHEET OF PAPER)


                   LES

     How's this sound?

(READS FROM THE PAPER)

     Fellow citizens, honored guests,

     distinguished leaders, august 

     participants, and most excellent

     dignitaries.  I humbly welcome

     you to Cincinnati's Countdown to

     Two Hundred celebration.

                    MONA

     "Most excellent dignitaries?"  Gee,

     Les, don't you think you're laying

     it on just a little bit thick?

                   LES

     Mona, are you insinuating that just 

     because Fountain Square will be virtually

     filled with all of Cincinnati's most

     important bigwigs and mucky mucks that

     all I'm trying to do is kiss up?  Well,

     let me set things prefectly straight on

     that thought, Missy! I have to! 

                   MONA

     Well then, how about "to all you lackeys

     enslaved by the political and societal

     institutions that have made our city what

     it is today?"

                   NANCY

      How about "Hey, there, you cool people,

      thanks for coming!"

                   LES

      (REALIZING THEY'RE PUTTING HIM ON)

      How about offering some really useful

      criticism for a change?

                   MONA

      We will when we hear something really

      useful, Les.

                   LES

     Look, this the countdown to our city's

     bicentennial.  This is history!  This is

     Americana!  Could you show at least a

     little interest in it?

                   NANCY
    
     Hey, I'm going out for sushi after

     work.  Anyone want to come?

(MONA STARTS TO HANG A STRING OF SAD FACES
WITH THE INTERNATIONAL RED "NO" SYMBOL
SLASHED THROUGH THEM)

                   LES

(RE: THE DECORATIONS)

     What's all this?

                   MONA

     For the latest ratings book, Les.

     Assuming Donovan has some good news.

                   LES

     Come on, Mona, be realistic.

(HE GOES OVER TO THE WALL AND TRIES TO PEEL
ONE OF THE RED "NO" SYMBOLS OFF A SAD FACE)

                   LES  (CONT'D)

     Do these come off?

                   NANCY

     Now don't be so negative, Les.

     Like my mother always said, in addition

     to "Nancy, don't forget to wipe your

     nose," she said "Always have hope." 

     And then she'd hand me a kleenex.

(CARLSON AND HERB ENTER FROM OUTSIDE. HERB
IS GASPING FOR AIR)

                   CARLSON

     ...Easy now, Herb.  You're going to

     be all right.

                   LES

     Herb!  What's wrong!

                   CARLSON

     We were visiting a prospective client

     and he started hyperventilating.  Nancy,

     could you please get some water?

(NANCY EXITS DOWN THE HALLWAY)

                   MONA

     What happened?

                   HERB

     Instinctive reaction, I guess, Dollface.

     Forty-five minutes of getting nowhere 

     with the guy and suddenly all I could

     think of was you.  And that dress. 

     And no underwear.

(MONA GLARES AT HIM)

                   CARLSON

      And I still think we could have gotten

      the account if you hadn't blurted it

      out in the middle of your sales pitch.

                   HERB

      Big deal!  It was just a religious

      bookstore.  Little hole in the wall

      place.

                   CARLSON

      Yeah.  Friends of mine.

(NANCY RETURNS WITH A CUP OF WATER AND
HANDS IT TO CARLSON)

                   CARLSON  (CON'TD)

        Oh, thanks.

(HE TAKES TWO PILLS OUT OF HIS POCKET, POPS
THEM INTO HIS MOUTH AND TAKES THEM DOWN WITH
THE WATER, DRAINING THE CUP.  HERB DESPERATELY
GRABS THE CUP, THEN, SEEING IT'S EMPTY, TOSSES
IT OVER HIS SHOULDER)

                   HERB

     I just don't know what's come over me

     lately, Big Guy.  Maybe I  just need a

     change or something.

                   MONA

     Well, maybe you'll get a change, Herb. 

     Who knows what might happen once Donovan

     gets back with the news.

                   CARLSON

     What news?

                   NANCY

     About the ratings, boss.

                   CARLSON

     Was that today?  Oh, yeah, I seem

     to recall signing a memo.  Something

     about lunch for everyone at Subs'N'Suds

     if we improved.  At my expense.

                    HERB

(SOTTO, TO MONA)

      His wallet shall remain forever closed.

                    LES

      Well, at least we can celebrate Mr.

      Carlson's good fortune!
 
                    CARLSON

       We sure can!

(THEN, NOT QUTE SURE WHAT LES IS REFERRING TO,
WITH A GESTURE TOWARDS HERB)

        Uh, Les, you do understand what

        happened here, don't you?

                    LES

       What I mean is, I'm on the nominating 

       committee for the Countdown to Two

       Hundred's list of the city's two

       hundred most prominent families, and

       I've proudly put forth the Carlsons'

       name to be on that list.

                   MONA

       The Carlsons?  Our Carlsons?

                   NANCY
 
       Wow.  Where'd you ever get their name

       from?

                   LES

       Personally, I think it's a slam drop!

                   CARLSON

       I think that's "slam dunk", Les.  But

       thank you.  I can't think of anythng

       I'd rather hear after going through one

       of the more "interesting" mornings of

       my life.

                  HERB

(ANNOYED)

       Hole in the wall place.  Like I was

       saying --

(DONOVAN ENTERS FROM OUTSIDE WITH AN ATTACHE CASE UNDER HIS ARM, EXPRESSIONLESS)

                  DONOVAN

       Morning, all.

(HE'S GREETED WITH SILENCE, THEN:)

                  ALL (EXCEPT DONOVAN)

        Well?...

                  DONOVAN

(TAKING SOME MATERIALS OUT OF HIS ATTACHE CASE)

        Well, might as well give it to you

        straight.

                  HERB

(SOTTO, TO MONA)

         Great, here it comes.  Three

         disasters in one day.

(OFF MONA'S LOOK OF PUZZLEMENT)

         Me, the ratings book -- and whatever

         involvement Les has with that

         committee.
                 
                 DONOVAN

         We didn't finish fifteenth again.

(EVERYONE GROANS IN DISAPPOINTMENT)

                 DONOVAN  (CONT'D)

         We finished twelfth.

(EVERYONE GROANS EVEN LOUDER)

                  CARLSON

          Well, better luck next -- wait,

          did you say twelfth?

                  DONOVAN

          Indeed I did.

(NO ONE MOVES FOR A MOMENT, TOO SHOCKED TO
BELIEVE WHAT THEY JUST HEARD. THEN:)

                  LES

(HEADING FOR THE EXIT)

          I'll have an assorted.

                  NANCY

(FOLLOWING HIM)

           Turkey.

                  HERB

(FOLLOWING HER)

           Meatball and a root beer for me.

(AND THE REST FOLLOW OUT THE DOOR AS WE:)

CUT TO:

                            MAIN TITLES

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Stay tuned --  more to come in the near future!


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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon