Ah, yes -- All Hallows Eve. The one day out of the year (besides maybe St. Patrick's day) when we can all dress like kids do and make total asses out of ourselves and get enjoyably and thoroughly drunk in the process.
But hold on just a second. What if October 31 takes an unexpected bad turn and things start to happen that ruin your fun and merriment? Kind of puts a damper on everything; your partying, your Trick or Treating, your T-P-ing your neighbor's house and shrubbery... So just to make sure you know all the warning signs of what may turn out to be a hollow holiday, here are the...
TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE HAVING A BAD
HALLOWEEN
10.) You just found out this year's hit
party game is “Boofing for Apples”
9.) You arrive at a party dressed as Donald
Trump's tax returns. You leave the party stuffed in a paper shredder
8.) Barack and Michelle Obama arrive at
your front door for your party and someone calls the police to report
two black people breaking into your house
7.) You go to rent a costume and find the
only three left are Brett Kavanaugh, Chuck Grassley, and Lindsey
Graham in a feather tutu
6.) You just rang the doorbell at 1600
Pennsylvania Ave. dressed as Jeff Sessions when you get a presidential alert on your cell
phone that says “Go Away”
5.) You just learned you're the guest of
honor at the Saudi consulate's pumpkin carving party
4.) You have to break up a fight between
Eric and Donald Jr. who are arguing over which one of them should go
out dressed as Hoda and which one as Kathie Lee
3.) You stop at Bill Cosby's house and see
a sign on the door that says “SORRY, NOT HOME FOR THE NEXT 3 TO 10
HALLOWEENS”
2.) You booked Stormy Daniels to jump out
out of a giant pumpkin at your party. What showed up was Sara Sanders
climbing out of a septic tank
AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'RE HAVING A
BAD HALLOWEEN...
Megyn Kelly shows
up at your front door in blackface
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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."
-- Thomas Pynchon
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