Top 10 Mitt Romney Bumper Stickers

This actually began as a couple of tweets on my Twitter account (@tqsideways) but then I started to do some more thinking about ol’ Mittens and some of his unique (and sometimes comical) campaign experiences -- and realized “What better way to save them for posterity than by the old tried and true method of creating a bumper sticker for them?” So I decided to expand my short list, and hereby present to you, Dear Reader:

TOP 10 MITT ROMNEY BUMPER STICKERS

10.) I BRAKE FOR BANKRUPTCIES

9.) BETCHA $10,000 I GET THERE BEFORE YOU DO

8.) I USED TO DO JUMPING JACKS TO STAY IN SHAPE -- NOW I JUST DO FLIP-FLOPS

7.) I WONDER WHAT THE PEOPLE MAKING UNDER 17 MILLION ARE DRIVING TODAY?

6.) THIS CAR HAS AN ELEVATOR WAITING FOR IT AT HOME

5. ) IF THIS CAR HAD BEEN MADE IN DETROIT, I WOULDN’T HAVE PAID FOR IT

4.) WANNA BUY THIS CAR? BORROW THE MONEY FROM YOUR PARENTS

3.) CARS ARE PEOPLE, MY FRIEND -- WAIT, THAT‘S CORPORATIONS, CARS ARE METAL AND GLASS

2.) IF YOU CAN READ THIS, YOU’RE CLOSE ENOUGH TO TELL ME IF THE DOG IS STILL ON THE ROOF

And the Number One Mitt Romney Bumper Sticker…

ARE WE IN THE CAYMANS YET?

　
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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon

Little-Known Facts You Probably Never Heard About STAR WARS

This year marks the thirty-fifth anniversary of the release of the first STAR WARS movie, later called "Episode IV: A New Hope” which starred the now-famous trio of Mark Hamill, Carrie Fisher and Harrison Ford. And since today, May 4, has been designated “May the 4th Be With You Day,“ I’m sure you’ll be bombarded with all sorts of trivia and tedium about the movie.

I was never a big science-fiction fan, but since the movie (and the franchise) has achieved legendary status, and I have a friend who ran the marketing department at Fox at the time the move was released, I thought it would be helpful to add to the festivities by telling some of the things I know about the films (or heard rumored-- or made up).

For instance:

Harrison Ford was not the first actor considered for the part of Han Solo. He was only hired after it was discovered that another up and coming young actor, Harrison Chevy was not available.

Many people have come to believe that the character of Chewbacca was based on George Lucas’s dog, Indiana. In actuality, Chewbacca was based on Lucas’ very hairy uncle, Louie, whom whenever George would visit him, was always sitting around in his underwear, smoking a cigar, drinking a beer, and had an ammo belt and an AK-47 slung over his shoulder.  He combed his body hair with a garden rake and was forever picking fleas out of it.  He even belched like Chewbacca.

Before Carrie Fisher was cast in the role of Princess Leia, her mother Debbie Reynolds was considered. The final decision came down not to the fact that Miss Reynolds might be too old for the role, but that she was so diminutive that her neck wasn’t strong enough for her to hold her head up with the hair buns attached. It was quickly realized that she would have to play the part with her face constantly flush down on a horizontal surface.

The village of Moss Eiseley was based on the city of Burbank (or maybe it was Santa Clarita -- hard to tell).

The name Luke Skywalker was derived from the fact that when he was a toddler, George Lucas thought that the  kids riding on the swings at the local playground were actually walking through the air. He kept yelling to his parents “Look! Skywalker! Look! Skywalker!”

The Death Star was originally going to be a black hole, but Lucas found he couldn’t keep the cast members from falling into it.

The famous words at the beginning, ”A Long Time Ago, In A Galaxy Far Away..” replaced the words "It Was A Dark And Stormy Night,” which Lucas thought he might have heard or read somewhere.

The voice of Darth Vader which was done by James Earl Jones, was originally supposed to be done by Richard Simmons (somehow I just don’t think Lord Vader would have been nearly as nasty with that voice and striped huggy short-shorts).

The Emperor's original name was Rush Limbaugh.

And finally….

That creature in the trash compactor on the Death Star that kept dragging Luke under the water? It was actually Mark Hamill’s agent, trying to yank him out of the film, convinced it was going to be a monumental bomb.


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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon

I'm At WKRP In Cincinnati (In My Head)

One of my all-time favorite sitcoms was WKRP IN CINCINNATI, the show about that loveable bunch of losers  who had all finally found a home at a Top 40 radio station in The Queen City of the Ohio River Valley after a format change. 

Fans of the show couldn't wait to see what  kind of misadventures station owner and manager Arthur Carlson (actor Gordon Jump), newsman Les Nessman (Richard Sanders), morning DJ Dr. Johnny Fever (Howard Hesseman), ad salesman Herb Tarlek (Frank Bonner) and the rest of  the group managed to get themselves enmeshed in every week, and anyone who remembers the series when it aired back in the 70's will never forget the classic Thanksgiving episode, "Turkeys Away" in which Mr. Carlson engineered what turned out to be, as his program director Andy Travis called it,"The most unusual promotion idea I've ever heard of," not to mention probably the greatest closing punchline in sitcom history.  If you want to see the episode, you can watch it here.

Which is why when in 1991, a couple of years after I moved out to Los Angeles, I was thrilled to find out that MTM Productions was bringing back a new version of the show in syndication, THE NEW WKRP IN CINCINNATI which included some new cast members, but also featured three of the originals (Mr. Carlson, Les and Herb) and promises that  a few of the other originals would make an appearance now and then.

Armed with that knowledge, I was able through channels to meet with one of the producers and subsequently came up with what I thought was a darn good story for the show, one in which the Carlson family discovers something about a promise one of their ancestors made and how it might affect them today -- at a most inopportune time  -- if I had only ever gotten the chance to pitch it.  At any rate, THE NEW WKRP IN CINCINNATI came and went after only two seasons, and my story went unread -- and unproduced.

But fear not! Thanks to the magic of the Internet, My story can still be read -- and laughed at (hopefully for all the right reasons).   Over the next few blogs, I'll post portions of the script, interspersed with my regular posts,  breaking the script down into its indivdual scenes,  so you can read them as you would a play -- and when I've posted all the scenes, I'll post the links to all of them so you can read it as a complete script.

A couple of details first:

(1) While the cast of the new version did include Mr. Carlson, Les Nessman and Herb Tarlek, all in their same positions at the station, there were some new faces in familiar spots.  Intelligent blonde receptionist Jennifer (Lonnie Anderson) had been replaced by ditzy blonde Nancy (Marla Rubinoff), the show's morning DJ was now a fellow named Razor D (played by French Stewart, who you may remember as Harry in THIRD ROCK FROM THE SUN), late night DJ Venus Flytrap's  (Tim Reid)  shift was now held by Mona Loveland (actress Tawny Kitaen of BACHELOR PARTY fame) and the program director whose job previously belonged to Andy Travis  (Gary Sandy)  was now a fellow named Donovan Aderhold (played by Mykelti Williamson, most memorable as Bubba, Forrest's shrimp business partner in the movie FORREST GUMP).

(2) Herb's fixation on the female employees at the station continues, only now it's directed at Mona now that Jennifer has moved on, but to complicate matters, Nancy, the current receptionist has a huge crush on Herb, and he wants nothing of it.

So let's begin with the teaser:

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THE NEW WKRP IN CINCINNATI

"The Carlson Legacy"

TEASER

FADE IN:


INT. RECEPTION AREA - DAY
(Mona, Nancy, Les, Carlson, Herb, Donovan)


(MONA AND NANCY ARE DECORATING THE ROOM WITH
STREAMERS AND ORNAMENTS, AS THEY WILL THROUGHOUT THE SCENE. LES ENTERS WITH A SHEET OF PAPER)


                   LES

     How's this sound?

(READS FROM THE PAPER)

     Fellow citizens, honored guests,

     distinguished leaders, august 

     participants, and most excellent

     dignitaries.  I humbly welcome

     you to Cincinnati's Countdown to

     Two Hundred celebration.

                    MONA

     "Most excellent dignitaries?"  Gee,

     Les, don't you think you're laying

     it on just a little bit thick?

                   LES

     Mona, are you insinuating that just 

     because Fountain Square will be virtually

     filled with all of Cincinnati's most

     important bigwigs and mucky mucks that

     all I'm trying to do is kiss up?  Well,

     let me set things prefectly straight on

     that thought, Missy! I have to! 

                   MONA

     Well then, how about "to all you lackeys

     enslaved by the political and societal

     institutions that have made our city what

     it is today?"

                   NANCY

      How about "Hey, there, you cool people,

      thanks for coming!"

                   LES

      (REALIZING THEY'RE PUTTING HIM ON)

      How about offering some really useful

      criticism for a change?

                   MONA

      We will when we hear something really

      useful, Les.

                   LES

     Look, this the countdown to our city's

     bicentennial.  This is history!  This is

     Americana!  Could you show at least a

     little interest in it?

                   NANCY
    
     Hey, I'm going out for sushi after

     work.  Anyone want to come?

(MONA STARTS TO HANG A STRING OF SAD FACES
WITH THE INTERNATIONAL RED "NO" SYMBOL
SLASHED THROUGH THEM)

                   LES

(RE: THE DECORATIONS)

     What's all this?

                   MONA

     For the latest ratings book, Les.

     Assuming Donovan has some good news.

                   LES

     Come on, Mona, be realistic.

(HE GOES OVER TO THE WALL AND TRIES TO PEEL
ONE OF THE RED "NO" SYMBOLS OFF A SAD FACE)

                   LES  (CONT'D)

     Do these come off?

                   NANCY

     Now don't be so negative, Les.

     Like my mother always said, in addition

     to "Nancy, don't forget to wipe your

     nose," she said "Always have hope." 

     And then she'd hand me a kleenex.

(CARLSON AND HERB ENTER FROM OUTSIDE. HERB
IS GASPING FOR AIR)

                   CARLSON

     ...Easy now, Herb.  You're going to

     be all right.

                   LES

     Herb!  What's wrong!

                   CARLSON

     We were visiting a prospective client

     and he started hyperventilating.  Nancy,

     could you please get some water?

(NANCY EXITS DOWN THE HALLWAY)

                   MONA

     What happened?

                   HERB

     Instinctive reaction, I guess, Dollface.

     Forty-five minutes of getting nowhere 

     with the guy and suddenly all I could

     think of was you.  And that dress. 

     And no underwear.

(MONA GLARES AT HIM)

                   CARLSON

      And I still think we could have gotten

      the account if you hadn't blurted it

      out in the middle of your sales pitch.

                   HERB

      Big deal!  It was just a religious

      bookstore.  Little hole in the wall

      place.

                   CARLSON

      Yeah.  Friends of mine.

(NANCY RETURNS WITH A CUP OF WATER AND
HANDS IT TO CARLSON)

                   CARLSON  (CON'TD)

        Oh, thanks.

(HE TAKES TWO PILLS OUT OF HIS POCKET, POPS
THEM INTO HIS MOUTH AND TAKES THEM DOWN WITH
THE WATER, DRAINING THE CUP.  HERB DESPERATELY
GRABS THE CUP, THEN, SEEING IT'S EMPTY, TOSSES
IT OVER HIS SHOULDER)

                   HERB

     I just don't know what's come over me

     lately, Big Guy.  Maybe I  just need a

     change or something.

                   MONA

     Well, maybe you'll get a change, Herb. 

     Who knows what might happen once Donovan

     gets back with the news.

                   CARLSON

     What news?

                   NANCY

     About the ratings, boss.

                   CARLSON

     Was that today?  Oh, yeah, I seem

     to recall signing a memo.  Something

     about lunch for everyone at Subs'N'Suds

     if we improved.  At my expense.

                    HERB

(SOTTO, TO MONA)

      His wallet shall remain forever closed.

                    LES

      Well, at least we can celebrate Mr.

      Carlson's good fortune!
 
                    CARLSON

       We sure can!

(THEN, NOT QUTE SURE WHAT LES IS REFERRING TO,
WITH A GESTURE TOWARDS HERB)

        Uh, Les, you do understand what

        happened here, don't you?

                    LES

       What I mean is, I'm on the nominating 

       committee for the Countdown to Two

       Hundred's list of the city's two

       hundred most prominent families, and

       I've proudly put forth the Carlsons'

       name to be on that list.

                   MONA

       The Carlsons?  Our Carlsons?

                   NANCY
 
       Wow.  Where'd you ever get their name

       from?

                   LES

       Personally, I think it's a slam drop!

                   CARLSON

       I think that's "slam dunk", Les.  But

       thank you.  I can't think of anythng

       I'd rather hear after going through one

       of the more "interesting" mornings of

       my life.

                  HERB

(ANNOYED)

       Hole in the wall place.  Like I was

       saying --

(DONOVAN ENTERS FROM OUTSIDE WITH AN ATTACHE CASE UNDER HIS ARM, EXPRESSIONLESS)

                  DONOVAN

       Morning, all.

(HE'S GREETED WITH SILENCE, THEN:)

                  ALL (EXCEPT DONOVAN)

        Well?...

                  DONOVAN

(TAKING SOME MATERIALS OUT OF HIS ATTACHE CASE)

        Well, might as well give it to you

        straight.

                  HERB

(SOTTO, TO MONA)

         Great, here it comes.  Three

         disasters in one day.

(OFF MONA'S LOOK OF PUZZLEMENT)

         Me, the ratings book -- and whatever

         involvement Les has with that

         committee.
                 
                 DONOVAN

         We didn't finish fifteenth again.

(EVERYONE GROANS IN DISAPPOINTMENT)

                 DONOVAN  (CONT'D)

         We finished twelfth.

(EVERYONE GROANS EVEN LOUDER)

                  CARLSON

          Well, better luck next -- wait,

          did you say twelfth?

                  DONOVAN

          Indeed I did.

(NO ONE MOVES FOR A MOMENT, TOO SHOCKED TO
BELIEVE WHAT THEY JUST HEARD. THEN:)

                  LES

(HEADING FOR THE EXIT)

          I'll have an assorted.

                  NANCY

(FOLLOWING HIM)

           Turkey.

                  HERB

(FOLLOWING HER)

           Meatball and a root beer for me.

(AND THE REST FOLLOW OUT THE DOOR AS WE:)

CUT TO:

                            MAIN TITLES

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Stay tuned --  more to come in the near future!


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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon

Let's See The Oscars Top This!!!

Didn't get to see much of this year's Oscar telecast or the red carpet nonsense, but it didn't really matter because here in Rochester, NY, the awards season has also hit fever pitch (Why not? Kodak, which is headquartered here, is rapidly going down the tubes, so there isn't much else to get excited about.), culminating with the pinnacle of awards events. I'm referring, of course, to -- you guessed it -- Miss Biddle's Annual Second Grade Elementary School Awards...

Each year seems to bring some new surprises, and 2012 was no exception. This year's race was probably the closest ever in the "Outstanding Achievement in seeing who can go the longest without crying for no apparent reason" category. This year, little Tiffany Gottlieb just eked out the win over Tracy O'Malley by a teardrop.... Her record was a seemingly superhuman two hours, 42 and a half minutes... Unfortunately, during her acceptance speech she completely broke down, thus forcing the judges to nearly pull the award when they began to  reconsider whether or not she actually deserved it in the first place.

In another highly-visible competition this year, Little Billy Ives ran away with the honors in the "No pulling his female classmates' pigtails" category. Of course, we'll see how well he's able to maintain his sense of self-control and will power in a few years when he gets to seventh grade and is up for the "No pulling his female classmates bra straps" award.

On a sad note, everyone paused for a moment of silence to remember Whitney... No, not Whitney Houston; Whitney, the class's pet goldfish who accidentally got flushed when they were changing the water in the aquarium a couple of weeks ago.

One final thing: the awards weren't as well attended this year by outsiders as in the past. With the new security measures that have been put in place at the school, a lot of grandparents were turned away at the door when their artificial hips set off the metal detectors.

At any rate, a good time was had by all, and when it was over everyone, winners and losers alike, let down their hair and set down their backpacks at The Principal's Ball at Chuck E. Cheese... And in the words of Miss Biddle (as she coincidentally also tells those who don't make it into the third grade): "Thanks for coming! See you next year!"

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon

Hey Regis, How's That Retirement Thing Working Out For You?

This weekend marks three monhs since that icon of daytime TV, Regis Philbin, left LIVE WITH REGIS AND KELLY, and left us all (hopefully as far as he was concerned) begging for more.

Well, like anyone who has left a longstanding job and is finally settling in for some time off during those golden years,  I got to wondering how ol' Reege might be making out.  You may recall when he left that he never said he was retiring -- only that he was leaving the show and  would be back with another project -- or two -- or none.

But just as we saw happen  with Johnny Carson,  there's been nary a sign of our  beloved Irish Italian TV personality since that fateful day in November, when Regis' TV career suffered the same fate as our Thanksgiving turkeys would the following week.  So  I got to wondering how things were going for him since then, and thanks to some "inside" info (inside my head), I found out the following which I think is important to relate to any Regis fans out there:

********************

... It started about a week or so later after  the big finale.  Oh, sure, he believed that he was going to be fine and there wouldn't be any problem making the  big adjustment to staying home all day with nothing more important to do than fill out the NY Times crossword puzzle and try to figure out how the remote control for the TV works... But then came the late night insomnia, the long walks during the wee small hours of the morning, padding around the dark halls and corridors of his apartment, clad oly in a loose-fitting robe and slippers (or less) looking at the pictures, honors and awards hanging there on the walls and talking to the portraits of Knute Rockne, Lou Holtz and Robert DeNiro (just as Nixon did in the White House during Watergate) -- hoping that somehow, some way, one of them would answer back... 

He stops in front of the portrait of Lou Holtz.

"Lou, I'm telling ya, I can't take it.  There's nobody to talk to, nobody to harrass, no one to make fun of!  Not even that damn wheel that I had installed that drops from the celing for me to spin whenever the phone rings is doing it for me!"... 

 He pads down the hallway and pauses for a moment in front of Knute.

"Knute, you're the greatest!  Tell me, what would it take for me to be the greatest again?... I mean when it came to daytime TV, I was it -- the tops!...  No one could tell a better silly story than me, no one could  bitch and complain about their family members better than me, no one could  do such a great job of making a total ass out of himself in front of millions of people on a daily basis than me!  I tell you I was The King at doing that stuff, baby, The King!"

On to DeNiro. 

"Bobby, you gotta tell me -- what do I have to do to get back on TV again?  I mean one shot on Rachael Ray since I left?  That's not gonna cut it for me, Bobby!  This boy needs some ACTION!... Letterman won't let me on...   I can't even get Kathie freakin' Lee to give me two measly minutes on that winefest that she and that Hoda or Yoda or whatever the hell her name is do every day!  And do you think that The Donald will return my calls? I mean, just one little shot on THE APPRENTICE for Godsakes!  What the hell do I have to do to get him to notice me again --  run for President?...  I tell you, I'm dyin' here, Bobby, I'm dyin'!  I gotta go back in that bedroom  now with nothing more to look forward to than spend the rest of the night lying there wide awake with the sound of Joy snoring directly into my EAR!  It's like listening to the ocean all night long -- and you know how afraid I am of water!"...

As daylight dawns, following his usual routine breakfast of dry toast, runny eggs and a glass of Benefiber, he's drawn into  what has now become an addictively habitual behavior. 

He picks up the phone, dials and waits for someone to answer.

..."Hello, Gelman?... It's me.... Whaddya mean, 'Who's me?'... It's REGIS!... Gelman, don't tell me you don't recognize my voice, Gelman!  It's only been three months... And after all those messages I left that you didn't respond to?....  Look, Gelman I'm asking you for the last time --  you've  got to  let me back on the show!... Yeah, well I don't care if you're considering  Josh Groban or George Clooney as cohost.  I don't care if you're considering Jesus Christ or Larry the freakin' Cable Guy  for Godsake!... Gelman, I can't take it any more!  I turn on the TV in the morning -- that is when I can figure out how to work the damn remote -- and  I'm not there!  All there is to watch is trash, Gelman, trash!  I'm telling you, who wants to see Snooki from The freakin' Jersey Shore preparing a dinner party on MARTHA STEWART,  or Joan Rivers making fun of what Elton John wore to last night's awards show?  Gelman, that's not TV, it's garbage!.... Tell me, Gelman, who was the real star on LIVE?  Who held that show together all those years?  Who went  to management and saved your sorry skinny ass more often than anyone will ever know?... Tha-a-at's right, Gelman!  It was me, baby, old Regis!...  I'm tellin' ya, Gelman, what America needs more than ever right now is THIS -- The King, baby -- The King!!... Hello?.... Hello?.... "


He  slowly puts the phone back down in its cradle as he realizes the inevitable has happened, and quietly sobbing to himself, mutters softly "Is this the freakin' end of Regis?"....


Hey, Reege, a word of advice:  Enjoy your money and your time.  And if you really need something to do that badly, Walmart is always looking for greeters.

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."


-- Thomas Pynchon

Why Does January Always Have To Behave Like January?

Some of you may remember the hit song by The Mamas and the Papas called “Monday, Monday.” The song describes a day that starts out perfectly and with great promise, and then just goes right downhill from there.

Well, now that we’re just about finished with January 2012, I started thinking the same thing about the past 31 days, and that January, being the first month of the year should hold such promise for us -- but by about mid-month when the “blahs” set in, we start to come to the conclusion that this month isn’t going to offer any better fortune than any other month -- and sometimes even worse.

Maybe part of it is that here in the northeastern US, we‘ve been dealing with minimal sunshine since mid-November and the dull grey days are finally starting to turn us all into psychos (for a look at my post on some suggestions I made for dealing with Seasonal Affective Disorder, you can go here).

Not only that, but sometimes January offers some unexpected surprises. For instance, when I lived in Los Angeles, the Northridge Earthquake happened in January. For me, nothing said “Welcome to 1994!" like feeling the ground constantly shake beneath your feet for about 24 hours straight.  And just this month, one of the bulwarks of my home town, Kodak was hit with a triple whammy -- they declared bankruptcy, were delisted on the New York Stock Exchange, and found out that The Motion Picture Academy is going to move the Oscar ceremonies from the Kodak Theatre in Hollywood to another venue.

Some other things that have happened, or occur regularly in January:

1. New Year’s Day -- just ask anyone who’s had a hangover from New Year’s Eve. Nice way to get the year off to a great start, right? -- not being able to remember the night before, and then not being able to wake up and remember what year it is the next day.

2. Here in the northeastern US, some of our worst blizzards have occurred in January: the Blizzard of ‘66, the Blizzard of ‘77, etc. I’m sure the trend will continue -- until the time when global warming turns January into a virtual blast furnace -- in which case then we’ve got a whole other problem during the month to worry about.

3. The Buffalo Bills, my home team here in Western New York, lost all four Super Bowls during the month of January. Anyone who’s a football fan whose team has been on the losing end of a football score in January -- college or pro -- can understand the feeling of utter despair and finality.

3. George W. Bush was inaugurated President in January -- twice -- even though no one will admit to having voted for him. (Of course this can go the other way also, depending on your political leaning; on the other hand, presidential elections are held in November, so I guess an argument could be made for that month being somewhat of a downer too.)

4. The moment sometime during the month that you suddenly realize how unrealistic and unattainable all the New Year’s resolutions you made were going to be, at which point you immediately set out on your own self-imposed guilt trip.

I could go on but there’s probably too many other reasons to list, and you can probably come up with plenty of your own. The point is, inevitably, having to start a new year by dealing with what occurs during January opens us all up for a huge amount of sadness and disappointment.

What to do, what to do?

Well, frankly, my friends the solution to dealing with all the surprises, mishaps and letdowns of January is surprisingly simple:

Let’s just get rid of it! That’s right --  let's do away with January altogether! Go straight from December 31 right to February!

Just think of some of the possibilities that eliminating January could accomplish:

1. No more New Year’s Day hangovers, to start with. You haven’t missed all the fun, festivities, parades and football because New Year’s Day didn’t happen and there weren’t any to miss! And even if you did happen to get plastered on Dec. 31, there isn't much worth trying to think about or function for on the first of February.

2. You can forget about making any New Year’s resolutions that you’re likely to have either completely abandoned or forgotten about by January 15. There'll be no more January to try and start implementing them.  Just think: no more  starting the year with built-in excuses for guilt trips and feeling sorry for yourself when you screw up!

3. Winter would be four weeks shorter, and it wouldn't matter whether Punxatawney Phil saw his shadow on Groundhog Day or not. As far as I'm concerned, he could stay in his burrow and sleep.

4. The NFL Playoffs can skip all the preliminary rounds, since now that the Super Bowl is played on the first Sunday in February, there’s no four week wait and three weeks or preliminary rounds just to see your favorite team go down to defeat -- the two teams with the best records in each conference will automatically go directly to the championship.

5. All those Christmas bills that come due in January? The hell with 'em! -- Since there is no January, you don’t have to worry about paying any!

6. Anyone who has a birthday that falls in January can treat it the same way that people who are born on Leap Year Day do -- either celebrate it on the last day of December, or on the first day of February -- or ignore it all together, thereby never allowing yourself to get any older, which should really be a boost for attendance at cougar singles bars all over the country.

So those are just some of the advantages I see about doing away with Month Number One every year.

Now you may be asking by this point “Tom, that sounds like a fantastic idea, but how do we accomplish this?”

Who knows? Maybe by a simple proclamation, maybe by a constitutional amendment -- or maybe even via a groundswell protest movement such as “Occupy Wall Calendars” (“OWC”?) where people take to the streets chanting stuff like “We are the 99 percent who refuse to be bullied by January!”

The fact of the matter is that regardless of how we manage to achieve it, one way or another, the month of January needs to go!

Anyway, enough ranting. Let’s hope that next year, January either shapes up or ships out!

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."


-- Thomas Pynchon

Top 10 Things You Don't Want To Hear When You Go In For An Angiogram

This has been an interesting year for me, health-wise. In March, I underwent a hip replacement (see my blog post about it here), and spent a good portion of the year afterwards recovering and rehabbing, rebuilding strength in my hip and leg with exercises and walking, which I tried to maintain on a regular basis until the cold weather set in this past autumn.

My laying off the exercise started to have its effect though, since after Thanksgiving I discovered I had put on a few extra pounds, so I started back on the walking regimen again. It was then that I began to experience some tightness and discomfort in my chest during my strolls.

A previous angiogram several years ago had turned up an artery that was partially blocked but not so badly that there was any major concern at the time. However this time, even though the tests revealed no significant changes, based on my symptoms, my doctor felt that another angiogram was in order just to be safe before it became an emergency situation. So the week between Christmas and New Year’s Day, I spent two days in the hospital undergoing the procedure, and a stent was implanted in the troublesome artery via a catheter inserted through my right wrist. (Modern medical nanotechnology is truly incredible.) Went home the next day and I’m fine -- thanks for asking!

Unfortunately, any time you’re in the hospital, as caring and reassuring as hospital staff try to be, there are always a few things you might hear -- or overhear -- that would tend to give you pause, if not downright concern. And so, just to prepare you in case you may eventually be facing the same situation I went through sometime in your own future, I thought I’d offer:

TOP 10 THINGS YOU DON’T WANT TO HEAR WHEN YOU GO IN FOR AN ANGIOGRAM

10) ”Hi, I’ll be doing the procedure, and I don’t mind telling you right up front that I faint at the sight of blood.”

9) “Hey, wanna have some fun? Let’s sever this here and reconnect it over there and see what happens!”

8) “Obamacare, Oshmamacare! Lie still!”

7) “Oh, I’m an old hand at this sort of thing -- I used to work for Roto Rooter.”

6) “You know, you were that close to me having to make a choice between not saving you and missing Dr. Phil.”

5) “Yeah, I know we were supposed to be aiming for the heart -- but I think we just hit his appendix.”

4) “Boy, I’ve seen some f***ed-up arteries in my life, but this one’s a Hall of Famer!”

3) “Don’t worry, you’ll be fine. We learned how to do this by watching videos on YouTube.”

2) “Mr. Quigley, have you ever given any thought to becoming an organ donor -- and we need an answer immediately!"

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING YOU DON’T WANT TO HEAR WHEN YOU GO IN FOR AN ANGIOGRAM…

“Don‘t even think about hitting on the night nurse -- her boyfriend‘s a cop.”

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  "Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

                      -- Thomas Pynchon