Holiday Cyber Shopping? Thanks, I'll Pass

Last week I wrote about how my reaction to going out and performing my gift-buying duties generally stirs up some creative juices in me and gets me writing about such things. But as I thought it over, I realized the fear of actually heading out  to real stores and purchasing something is far less in my mind than the horror of going online and divulging all your personal info to complete strangers so someone in Mountain View, CA (or maybe India -- or the Philippines) can end up having a good laugh at your expense knowing you're buying Grandma a new commode with a padded toilet seat for Christmas.

And while I know that it supposed to save us all hours of running around from one mall to another, exhausting our energy and emptying our wallets and gas tanks in less time than it takes Donald Trump to insult a half dozen ethnicities,  once you think about it, cyber shopping presents a whole new set of hazards and issues to deal with which should put you off from even touching the keyboard on your iPad 6. And as a result, if you're anything like me, you'll probably wait until 5:50 pm on Dec. 24 to start your trek, anxiously plotting out a route on your GPS,  knowing your family will be OK with the usual assortment of thoughtful gifts that they'll find beneath the tree the next morning which you've so carefully and discriminatingly
selected at the only gas station/minimart you could find that's still open: lottery scratch-off tickets, bags of stale beef jerky and Cheetos, and a half empty 12-pack of Coors Light.

On the other hand, for those of you who dare take that step into cyberspace to accomplish your task, you might want to watch out for these pitfalls:

TOP 10 REASONS TO AVOID HOLIDAY CYBER SHOPPING

10.) You start cybershopping in your underwear, and a message pops up on your screen that says "I can see you shopping in your underwear"

9.) The Amazon drone keeps dropping your packages on your roof

8.) You ordered a 46" flatscreen Hi Def TV with Digital Surround Sound and 3D Picture. What shows up at your door is a 26" Schwinn 3-speed with a broken chain and no seat

7.) You think you got the deal of a lifetime by saving $200 on a final sale laptop only to find out that it'll be $100 less on December 26

6.) The Amazon drone keeps dropping your packages on your neighbor's roof

5.) After the website you're trying to order from has crashed for the eighth time in 10 minutes you call their 800 number to hear: "Thank you for calling our customer service hotline. Your time is valuable to us. Please stay on the line and a customer service rep will assist you as soon as possible.  The current estimated waiting time is two and a half days."

4.) Turns out that auction site that you were buying all your stuff from is run by the Russians

3.) The Amazon drone keeps dropping your packages in your neighbor's swimming pool 

2.) That annoying kid down the street who keeps hacking into your WiFi is threatening you with blackmail because he knows about the sex toys you ordered

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON TO AVOID HOLIDAY CYBERSHOPPING...

Every time a shopping mall cash register bell rings, another Victoria's Secret Angel gets her wings


Happy Virtual Holidays, Everyone!

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

  

-- Thomas Pynchon

The Christmas Shopping Survival Miracle

Every year at this time, I start to think about facing the prospect of starting -- and hopefully ending -- my holiday shopping, worrying about what I'm going to buy, how much I'm going to spend and how much of a miracle it will be to have retained my sanity when it's over. 

Fortunately, I have a release valve.  My writing, which has helped me cope, and I've come up with a number of song parodies over the years to put the  season into perspective.  And sometimes they've made me a little bit of money too.  An example:

Back in 1986, I was writing for radio personality Joey Reynolds at WNBC Radio in New York City -- yep, the same station that had Don Imus, Soupy Sales and Howard Stern before he was fired. Joey held down the 3 pm-7 pm shift and I'd mail him or fax him jokes from Rochester. But I also got the chance to fly down to NYC and would sit in on the show on several occasions where I had the chance to pass him jokes and zingers that I'd come up with off the top of my head depending on the situation.

In December, Joey decided to do something that to our knowledge hadn't been done before (and to our knowledge hasn't been done since). Since the station was located in the GE Building in Rockefeller Center, he wanted to do a live remote radio sing-along out by the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree, and asked me and a young lady comedian who had just recently moved to New York and was appearing on his show occasionally to come up with some "Fractured Christmas Carols", parodies of well-known holiday songs and we were happy to oblige.

When the day came to do the live sing-along, I flew down to New York so I could be there for the fun. Joey's producer ran off about 100 copies of each of the songs I wrote and each of the songs the young comedian wrote and we bundled up and headed out to the tree. We passed out copies of the songs to the tourists and sightseers who really got into belting out the tunes, and had a fantastic time.

What did I write? Stuff like the following:

HARK! THE PUBLIC GOES INSANE

 

(sung to the tune of "Hark! The Herald Angels Sing")

 

Hark! The public goes insane.

     Christmas time is here again.

Rushing madly thru' the aisles,

     On their faces frozen smiles.

Joyful all ye merchants rise!

Raise the prices to the skies!

Now's the time to grab their dough.

Sell 'em junk before they know.

Hark! The merchants never fail

     Raking cash in by the bale.

 

Selling junk to all who'll buy it.

     We won't even let you try it.

As we rob you blind again,

     "Peace on earth, good will toward men."

Spending money ain't so hard.

Just pull out your credit card.

Think what damage it would do

If there were no chumps like you.

Hark! the public goes insane.

     Christmas time is here again.

It was one of the best holiday experiences I've ever had. Oh, and what happened to the young lady comedian? Well, she went on to have a successful career and starred in her own hit TV show in the '90s.  I guess Christmas miracles do happen.

 

 

 

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

  

-- Thomas Pynchon

 

Another (Wasted) Auld Lang Syne...

So--does it still seem like 2014 started about a week ago, and this year has just zipped by?  Well, it does to me, and even though this year had more good times than bad, I can feel my stomach start to tighten up as I,  like millions of other people, must face that dreaded annual ritual the (cough!) New Year's Eve party. 

Face it, we've all been to parties that turned out to be real duds, but since each year brings with it its own set of circumstances and frame of reference, I find it helpful to be aware in advance of how to tell I'm stuck at a clunker. And so, for the second year in a row, and in an effort to help you get 2015 off to a reasonably sane start, I'm offering my own...

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU’RE AT A BAD NEW YEAR’S EVE PARTY

10.) At 11:55 pm everyone decides to head over to Walmart to return the Christmas gifts they didn't like 

9.) When you arrive for the White House party and discover you forgot your invitation, the Secret Service agents offer to let you jump the fence

8.) The first person you meet at the door heartily shakes your hand, gives you a hug and says “Hi! I just got back from West Africa!”
 
7.) You’re on your way to Nik Wallenda’s party when suddenly you realize what he meant when he told you “It’s just a short walk between buildings”
 
6.) You arrive at Donald Sterling's party just in time to hear him and Paula Deen sing a heartfelt rendition of “I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas”

5.) One of the items on the finger food tray is Jose Canseco’s actual finger

4.) Everyone is standing around looking at their smartphones, waiting for their bootleg copy of “The Interview” to download

3.) You're so bored that you wish you were home watching “Hoda and Kathie Lee’s Drunken Toast To 2014”

2.) You’re at Dick Cheney’s party where he informs you that you're about to become  the highlight of the evening’s “Enhanced Entertainment”

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU’RE AT A BAD NEW YEAR’S EVE PARTY…

It's at Bill Cosby’s place


(Happy New Year, everyone!)

 

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

 

-- Thomas Pynchon

"Class Reunion? -- Quick, Hand Me The Zoloft!"

Well, it's finally upon me -- my 45th year high school reunion.  Rush-Henrietta Senior High School, Henrietta, NY, Class of '69 (the first class to graduate from the new high

school in the district).  I received a notice about it a couple of months ago and  was sitting  on the fence ever since about whether or not to attend.  

In the end I decided to go, but after wondering why it took me so long to make up my mind, I realized that anyone who goes to such an event (especially when you're so many years removed from your high school days)  really needs to have some compelling reasons for wanting to attend -- and after all, you can never experience too much angst (or require too much prescription medication) when going to one of these things.  So after thinking hard and long  (and hoping that some disgruntled ex-classmate doesn't end up putting out a hit on me) I deviated a bit from my usual Top 10 list and came up with  the following:
 
TOP 16 REASONS WHY PEOPLE WOULD WANT TO ATTEND RUSH-HENRIETTA’S 45TH YEAR CLASS REUNION

16.) Good chance to compare hip replacement scars
 
15.) Finally got clean and sober after 45 years and wanted to tell everyone about  how great was the last place you remember being: Woodstock

14.) Wanted to check and see if anyone ever turned in that wallet you lost in 10th grade
 
13.) Determined to go even if it means running into your first wife -- as well as your second, third and fourth ones

12.) Still hoping to get credit for Driver’s Ed Class so you can take your road test

11.) You can tell everyone you’re working on your 15th Master’s degree -- you’re NEVER going to stop being a student!

10.) Can finally get revenge against the guy you sat next to in the Physics final whose test you copied and ended up with a “D”
 
9.) That Beamer you’re paying $900 a month for ain’t impressing anyone just sitting in the driveway

8.) Wonder when you mention the name "Rush" how many people think you're referring to Limbaugh

7.) Want to see whose boobs have sunk lower than the foundation on your condo in Florida

6.) Can't believe it's been 45 years since the following three things happened: the moon landing, Nixon becoming president, and Rush-Henrietta officially getting rid of you

5.) Convinced you’ll be the hottest grandmother in the house -- whoops, no, that's just another late unexpected menopause flash

4.) Want to check and see if that special someone you had a secret crush on in high school is still the same sex
 
3.) Were hoping to see 300 classmates -- what you‘ll see is 600 chins

2.) You missed the 10th, 20th, and 30th reunions, and -- hey, wait, you already went to a 45th reunion -- what school is this again?

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY PEOPLE WOULD WANT TO ATTEND RUSH HENRIETTA’S 45TH  YEAR CLASS REUNION…

Ebola will probably wipe us all out before the 50th
 

 

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon

 
 

How You Can Tell If You're At A Bad New Year's Eve Party

Well, here it is, Dear Friends: the end of 2013  and the beginning of a new year; a fresh start, a brighter vision and a sigh of relief that we all made it through another 365 days of chaos despite all.  And we all look forward to making 2014 the best year we can.

But despite our high hopes and aspirations, we've got one final obstacle to overcome: the festivities of tomorrow night, also know as New Year's Eve, when it seems at times as if that is a point at which all scores are settled, all playing fields are leveled and all bad deeds finally and justly rewarded.  And just as this year seemed to have its own unique occasions and circumstances, it might be helpful to keep in mind that the party you attend to celebrate the new year may come with it's own set of pitfalls.
 
And so,  while you're busy spiking your egg nog, waiting for the UPS truck to arrive with that last shipment of undelivered Christmas gifts, or rushing to Target to try and salvage what's left of your credit, here are some tips you might want to keep in mind tomorrow night to let you know you've showed up at a real clunker:

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU’RE AT A BAD NEW YEAR’S EVE PARTY

10) MILEY CYRUS IS TWERKIN’ THE PUNCH BOWL

9) AT THE FOX NEWS PARTY SOMEONE HANDS YOU A PARTY HORN AND YELLS “HAPPY NEW YEAR! HONK IF YOU LOVE A WHITE JESUS!”

8) YOU JUST ARRIVED AT THE NSA HEADQUARTERS PARTY AND EVERYONE THERE IMMEDIATELY STARTS GRILLING YOU ABOUT YOUR LAST 50 TEXT MESSAGES

7) THE FIRST THING YOU SEE IS KIND, PIOUS, SAINTLY OLD POPE FRANCIS DANCING THE HARLEM SHAKE

6) MILEY CYRUS IS TWERKIN’ THE SHRIMP PLATTER

5) YOUR PARTY ON BOARD A CARNIVAL CRUISE SHIP IS INTERRUPTED BY THE ANNOUNCEMENT “YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE! IT IS ALMOST MIDNIGHT -- PLEASE CONSERVE FOOD AND WATER!”

4) ONE OF THE KARDASHIAN SISTERS COMES OVER TO YOU AND SAYS SHE JUST FOUND THE MAN THAT SHE PLANS TO SPEND THE REST OF THE NEXT 18 MONTHS OF HER LIFE WITH

3) UH OH! -- MILEY CYRUS IS TWERKIN’ POPE FRANCIS

2) YOU WANTED TO GO TO THE OBAMAS’ PARTY BUT EVERY TIME YOU TRIED TO RESPOND TO THEIR ONLINE INVITATION THE WEBSITE CRASHED

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU’RE AT A BAD NEW YEAR’S EVE PARTY…

THE LABEL ON YOUR DUCK DYNASTY DUCK CALL NOISEMAKER SAYS “BLOW ME”

Happy New Year, everyone -- I hope!

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

 

-- Thomas Pynchon

　

Chill Out -- You Could Be At Your In-Laws For Thanksgiving

 

Don't we all cherish this time of year, full of warm holiday memories and traditions? Well, I guess most of us do -- but if you seem to have a chronic streak of misfortune starting about the middle of November and lasting until January 15, I don't blame you for using whatever medication you can find to try and control the anxiety attacks  that happen when this time of year rolls around.

 

But be brave, my friends. It could be worse -- and to prove it, I've come up with a list of 10 things that, were they to happen, would let you know that you were really having a bad day on Thursday;  so cheer up and dig into that extra piece of pumpkin pie as you read:

 
TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR HAVING A BAD THANKSGIVING HOLIDAY

10. You ask Joe Biden to give the Thanksgiving blessing at your table, and he starts by saying “This is a big f***in’ deal!”

9. Macy's parade broadcast is spoiled by Matt Lauer's and Savannah Guthrie's constant on-air bickering over which one of them Ann Curry hates the most

8. Mitt Romney arrives after driving for 8 hours with your turkey on the roof of his car -- and his dog on top of the turkey

7. Over the river and through the woods to Grandmother’s house now involves a 50-mile detour through 3 states

6. You keep getting nasty text messages from Michelle Obama because the food you prepared isn’t on her approved nutrition list

5. John Boehner and Mitch McConnell are sitting at opposite ends of the table and refuse to pass anything

4. Just as you sit down to enjoy your holiday meal, your guests all look at their watches and get up and leave because Walmart just opened

3. Your fixins’ are all leftovers from Mitt Romney’s planned victory party, including binders full of cranberry sauce

2. General Petraeus asks you if he can bring “a special friend” to dinner with him

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU’RE HAVING A BAD THANKSGIVING HOLIDAY….

You’re 50 years old, and they still make you sit at the kiddie table

 

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon

"Trick or Treat -- You're Fired!"

(Note: The following is a re-post of my very first blog, from shortly before Halloween 2010. Thought it would be fun to bring it back  for this week.)

These days, there probably isn't anyone who hasn't either been, or knows someone who has been personally affected by the most recently added component of The Great American Dream, namely, being laid off... And whether it was temporary or permanent (or something that ultimately shoved you into going in another completely different direction as happened to me), it still hurts when it happens, to think that someone whom you were counting on to make sure your paycheck had your name spelled right and your security pass let you in the building every day no longer wants you to grovel for them.With me, it happened several years back the week before Christmas... I was hoping that maybe they would make it as painless as possible by having Andy Williams come around to my desk to break the news as only Andy could in his friendly easygoing manner -- in song:

“Happy Holiday... Here's your severance pay...
Please start cleaning out your office, and be out of here by two....”

But actually, since Halloween is a little over ten days away, once I started to think about it, while losing your job right before Christmas might be rough to deal with, what might be even more bizarre would be getting called into your Human Resources office on October 31, just as the HR department was getting ready for its Halloween party......

I headed down the hallway in response to the call that just came into my desk from one of the HR people, and entered the HR office to find the conference room being turned into a chamber of horrors. Orange and green floodlights set in fixtures on the floor now provided the only illumination in the room. Admins and staff, all dressed in Halloween costumes were busy setting the conference table with pumpkins, dishes full of candy corn, trays of donuts and bowls of cider, and the ceiling was being strung with orange and black streamers along with bats, ghouls and goblins.

As I took in the sight, I heard someone call my name from the other side of the open office area, and looked over to see the head of HR – only now he wasn't the head of HR, now he was Hannibal Lecter, complete with the mask and bound to a handcart by a series of leather straps and metal buckles... Funny, but I suddenly remembered that I'd had dreams of him looking exactly like that.

“Hello, Tom,” he spoke in a low deliberate, breathy, slightly sinister voice through the grille in the mask. “Last minute changes.“

I fumbled for a minute, then to kind of break the awkwardness of the moment, commented “I can see. Something big happening today I assume.” I gestured toward the conference room.

“Well, sort of,” he replied. “Miss Jones, would you please bring in Mr. Quigley's file?”

“Cominnnnng!” I heard in a trilly, high-pitched warble from around the corner. In an instant, in breezed his admin, no longer the sweet kindly old woman with the blue hair that I'd always run into in the break room when I stopped to get a beverage to wash down my anti-depressants with. Now she was Glinda, the good Witch of the North. She directed a bright, sparkly smile towards me as she placed my file on his desk and then, perhaps as if to try and make the file open itself, waved the wand over it several times. I started to sweat.

”Have a seat,” Hannibal breathed.

With my body shaking, I lowered myself into the chair nearest his desk and waited for what was next...

“Tom,” he began, “you know we've always had the utmost respect for all our employees, and have tried to treat everyone as fairly as possible.” I glanced over at the conference room where they were starting to hang skeletons and severed heads from the ceiling.

“But...” I replied, anticipating something negative was about to be divulged.

“You seem to be way ahead of me, Tom.” God, there was that deliberate voice again. “Which is why I've always enjoyed matching wits with you. Your powers of cogitative reasoning have probably already led you to conclude what I'm about to tell you.''

I started to hyperventilate. “You – you mean I'm being let go?!!!” I stammered back.

Hannibal tried to nod his head but the restraints kept him from doing so.... He glanced over at Glinda. “Uh, Miss Jones, could you please...”

“Oh! Sorr--e-e-e-e!” she warbled as she loosened the strap around his forehead.

“Yes, Tom. I'm afraid we have no other choice.”

I was stunned. Speechless. I started to think, what could I have possibly done to merit this? Could it have been the fact that every time one of my bosses visited my cubicle they caught me playing Sudoku on my computer?... The extra pens, staplers and reams of paper I'd pilfered from the copier room in the hopes that one day I'd realize my lofty dreams of running my own business supplies store out of the trunk of my car?... Or how about the dartboard with a picture of the company president I had hanging up over my desk? All minor offenses to be sure, requiring no more than a slap on the wrist... I just couldn't fathom it.

I began to rise out of my chair. “But – but... This isn't real! This can't be happening!”

“Look at it this way," Glinda trilled as sweetly as possible. “This will be so much easier to accept if you were to just start clicking your heels together three times and keep repeating 'There's no place like home.... There's no place like home....There's no place like home...'”

“Oh, wait! I see what's going on here -- what the two of you are trying to do!” I retorted, sitting back down. “I can see it perfectly! Give the man the bad news and then try and make it not hurt so badly! It's the old good cop, bad cop thing!”

“Actually,” Glinda replied, “It's more like the old 'Are you a good witch or a bad witch?' thing.”

Hannibal continued. “In any event, we've been given the orders from top level management that costs have to be cut and uh, 'sacrifices' have to be made – in a manner of speaking of course.” That voice was really starting to grate on me.

“So that's all there is to it then, is that it?” I replied. “No ifs, ands, or buts. Just 'Here's your coat, what's your hurry?' Tell me, how many other poor Bozos around here are you letting go today?"

At that moment, a side office door opened and some guy dressed like a clown walked through it, slowly shaking his head and looking down at the floor with the most sullen expression I've ever seen.

“Only one,” Hannibal breathed as I watched Bozo head towards the outer door. “Mr. Jarvis, head of sales. Too bad. He was our number one guy when it came to presenting our dog and pony show to clients. But we caught him trying to juggle too many things in the process.”

“Like what?” I asked.

"Mainly his expense reports," he breathed. "But I think that's it."



“Oh, and don't forget, Toto too!” Glinda chimed in.

“Oh, right. Akiyama Toto over in the IT department. Need to remember to pull his file.” He gestured with his one free finger towards a filing cabinet by the wall. Glinda dutifully headed in that direction and I heard a filing cabinet drawer open as she sing-songed “Come out, come out wherever you are!”

Hannibal breathed again. “Now, then Tom...” God, that voice was really creeping me out. “If you don't have any questions, there's some paperwork we have to sign.”

Glinda set some papers down on the desk and offered me a pen – actually she offered me her magic wand which turned out to have a pen on one end of it. “Courtesy of our printer cartridge supplier,” she smiled, “Twinkle Office Supplies.”

“Not out of the trunk of a car, I hope,” I muttered. She smiled and demurely pointed to the place I needed to sign on the document. I took the magic wand and looked at her. “Any chance that if I wave this thing over it, it'll disappear?' I asked.

I scrawled my signature on the severance papers, then pushed them across the desk for Hannibal to sign. He tried to free a hand, but those leather straps – well you know. “Uh, Miss Jones...?”

“Oops! Sorr-e-e-e-!” She loosened one strap just enough for him to reach out to the desk. “Nice lady, but just a little bit flighty sometimes,” he told me as he picked up the magic wand and signed his name.

“No kidding,” I observed.

“Well, I guess this means that this is the end of our 'relationship', Tom.” he said, then lowering his voice to as quiet and deliberate a level as he could and still be audible. “Sorry to have it end under such ad...verse cir...cum...stances... At the very least, perhaps I could offer you some cider and donuts?”

“Uh, no thanks,” I replied. “Not really in the mood for cider and donuts right now.”

“Well then, maybe, how about a glass of very dry chianti?”I shook my head.

“Fava beans?” he added with a small chuckle. I pulled myself up out of the chair. God, that voice...

“Uh, nah...”

“Liver?”

“Liver?!” I yelped. “Whose?!!... Boy, you really enjoy taking this to the max, don't you!” I began to head for the door.

“Sorry,” he said, finally in his normal voice. “I just got a little carried away. By the way, if it means anything to you, this wasn't my first choice for a costume. They ran out of the Bernie Madoffs.”

“Uh, yeah, that makes me feel a whole lot better,” I replied.

I turned and stormed out the door. As I tramped down the hallway, Glinda, who practically floated along beside me, tried to make me see the bright side of the whole ordeal. “Think of it this way, Tom,” she offered cheerily. “You could have gotten up this morning and had a house fall on you.”

“Gee, thanks for the uplifting thought,” I replied. “Have a nice day.”

“You too!”

And as I headed out of the building, and across the parking lot and unlocked the door of my car , I could still see that witch, waving her wand and calling out in that high warbly trill, “Good-bye!... Good-bye!... Good-bye!...”

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon