Chill Out -- You Could Be At Your In-Laws For Thanksgiving

 

Don't we all cherish this time of year, full of warm holiday memories and traditions? Well, I guess most of us do -- but if you seem to have a chronic streak of misfortune starting about the middle of November and lasting until January 15, I don't blame you for using whatever medication you can find to try and control the anxiety attacks  that happen when this time of year rolls around.

 

But be brave, my friends. It could be worse -- and to prove it, I've come up with a list of 10 things that, were they to happen, would let you know that you were really having a bad day on Thursday;  so cheer up and dig into that extra piece of pumpkin pie as you read:

 
TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR HAVING A BAD THANKSGIVING HOLIDAY

10. You ask Joe Biden to give the Thanksgiving blessing at your table, and he starts by saying “This is a big f***in’ deal!”

9. Macy's parade broadcast is spoiled by Matt Lauer's and Savannah Guthrie's constant on-air bickering over which one of them Ann Curry hates the most

8. Mitt Romney arrives after driving for 8 hours with your turkey on the roof of his car -- and his dog on top of the turkey

7. Over the river and through the woods to Grandmother’s house now involves a 50-mile detour through 3 states

6. You keep getting nasty text messages from Michelle Obama because the food you prepared isn’t on her approved nutrition list

5. John Boehner and Mitch McConnell are sitting at opposite ends of the table and refuse to pass anything

4. Just as you sit down to enjoy your holiday meal, your guests all look at their watches and get up and leave because Walmart just opened

3. Your fixins’ are all leftovers from Mitt Romney’s planned victory party, including binders full of cranberry sauce

2. General Petraeus asks you if he can bring “a special friend” to dinner with him

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU’RE HAVING A BAD THANKSGIVING HOLIDAY….

You’re 50 years old, and they still make you sit at the kiddie table

 

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon