Thanks -- But No Thanks

OK, for starters, a word of full disclosure: I do a pretty good job of cooking a turkey on Thanksgiving.(see the pic at right of 2017's achievement).  But at one time when I was first trying it on my own, I'd usually end up with something that left me running to the local grocer for a Swift's Premium turkey roll.  However, by trial and error, I got better and also picked up a few tricks and short cuts along the way.

However, there are situations  these days where some of you may not be so fortunate to have an expert preparer, and for whatever reason -- necessity, convenience, or just plain ego -- the task of cooking this year's meal has fallen into the lap of someone -- and usually it's a guy -- who probably thinks turkeys are packed in mesh netting to keep them from escaping, but what the hell, he's watched Rachael Ray do it a couple of times so it can't be that hard  -- and yet for better or worse, the task of cooking the most important meal of the year by him leaves us all with a feeling of dread, trepidation and potential food poisoning.

How can you tell he doesn't know what he's doing? Well, it should soon become pretty apparent -- but just  in case you're not sure, I've put together a list of:

TOP 10 SIGNS AN INEXPERIENCED MAN IS COOKING YOUR THANKSGIVING DINNER

10.) The gravy tastes like beer

9.)  Every five minutes you hear an explosion coming from the kitchen

8.)  The stuffing consists of stale raisin bread, Rice-A-Roni, dry mashed potato mix, dog biscuits, beef jerky, frozen lima beans and something unidentifiable that's been in the refrigerator for months

7.)  That stainless steel roasting pan you paid $100 for just to cook a turkey in he's using as a tub for all the dirty cooking utensils

6.)  Times the meal so that he can serve it during the 7 1/2 minute break between the end of Lions' game and the start of the Cowboys'

5.)  The directions say to use a dry rub on the turkey so he covers it with talcum powder

 4.)  You keep finding pieces of raw giblets in the candied yams

3.)  After he makes 30 phone calls to them in the last two hours from your home phone, the 1-800-BUTTERBALL hotline permanently blocks your number

2,)  He feebly tries to justify the bird coming out of the oven that's nearly  burned to a crisp by saying “I thought everyone agreed that black turkeys matter”

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN AN INEXPERIENCED MAN IS COOKING YOUR THANKSGIVING DINNER...

        He tells the family “Hey guys, let's go to Denny's for Thanksgiving!”

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon

Halloween 2021: What to Wear, What to Wear

 

Well, friends, it seems that we can finally start to breathe a bit more easily again (unless that is, you live in certain parts of Florida or Texas), because the bondage we've all been suffering under due to the COVID situation is starting to ease up. So this year, we'll be able to let off a little steam with  Halloween costume parties and maybe some trick or treating.  

But since  the last two years have also seemingly brought with them  a whole new host of frightening creatures and characters, it only seems right that this year's best ghost and goblin costumes should reflect that assortment of misfits and deviants; and  I've got it on reliable authority (the guy that empties the dumpsters at my local Party City) of just what are the hot ticket items this year. So whether you're  going to a party, doing some door to door trick or treating, or just greeting kids on your porch while wearing a costume that is guaranteed to scare the bejeezus out of them, here are my recommendations for the:

 TOP TEN SCARIEST HALLOWEEN COSTUMES FOR 2021

10.) Prom Night Matt

9.) Coffin Tester Mitch

8.) Phantom Of The Adult Book Store

7.)  Eric And Junior, The Two-headed Monster

6.) Apocalypse Kim

5.) Texas Grid Chainsaw Ted 

4.) Andy the Overly Friendly Ghost

3.) Dumpster Demon Steve

2.) Mind Control Mark

AND THE NUMBER ONE SCARIEST HALLOWEEN COSTUME FOR 2021...

Tucker The TV Terrorist








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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."


-- Thomas Pynchon

Donny, We Hardly Could Stand Ye

It's hard to believe, but it's only one day away now.  After four long years, what seems to be a nightmare for many of us is finally coming to an end, and Joe Biden and Kamala Harris will take their oaths of office tomorrow at noon.

But what about Donald? As he makes his last climb up the stairs aboard Air Force One (see photo), what does he have planned for his future now that he'll have a lot of time on his hands?  Oh sure, you'll probably say he'll be playing a lot of golf, traveling around the world or partying with porn stars and Scott Baio. But I happen to know via a reliable source (the assistant to the assistant to the pool boy at Mar a Lago) how he's really planning on using all that available life of leisure.  And so, as a public service, here are the ...

TOP 10 THINGS TRUMP MIGHT DECIDE TO DO NOW THAT HE'S OUT OF OFFICE

10.) Release his health care plan

9.) Buy Greenland (if the Russians will give him a loan)

8.) Join a 12-Step group: P***ygrabbers Anonymous

7.) Start a new business called “Pardons 'R' Us”

6.) Make a once a week visit to the Donald J. Trump Memorial KFC

5.) Try to find Eric an orthodontist and a girlfriend

4.) Claim Rudy Giuliani found millions of uncounted votes for him stashed in an adult bookstore in Philadelphia

3.) Make incessant phone calls to Joe Biden asking him if he'd like any advice on running the country

2.) Divorce Melania, marry Ivanka

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING TRUMP MIGHT DECIDE TO DO NOW THAT HE'S OUT OF OFFICE...

Take a part-time job working the assembly line at the My Pillow factory

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon

What's In A Name? Apparently Plenty

Amidst all the chaos, confusion and civil unrest the year 2020 has brought us, we were at least hoping that maybe sports would be the great oasis where we could all relax, sit back and enjoy a little bit of what's become a big part of Americana. But alas, 'tis not to be. Besides most sports being canceled from the pros right down to the little leagues, other issues have once again brought to the forefront of our consciousness, and what once might have begun as an innocent nickname is now regarded as a derogatory slur against a specific ethnic group.

I'm referring of course to the argument over changing the name of the Washington Redskins.  Mind you, I'm all in favor of it if it no longer reflects the mindset of our country and the need to establish a society which is all-inclusive in every aspect. With that in mind, I've begun thinking that if the Redskins name should be dropped, then any new name attached to the team should probably reflect the lifestyle and culture of the movers and shakers in the nation's capital as we perceive it today. As a result, I decided to do some research, and after checking with one of my confidential sources (the guy who goes around picking up the towels in the locker rooms in Fedex Stadium after the game), I found out that there are a number of suggestions that are already starting to jump right to the top of the list of new names for the team.  And so, to give you a sneak preview, here are the...

TOP 10 NEW NAMES BEING CONSIDERED FOR THE WASHINGTON REDSKINS

10.) The Washington Lobbyists

9.) The Washington Grifters

8.) The Washington Subpoenas

7.) The Washington Pork Barrels

6.) The Washington Gerrymanders

5.) The Washington Orgies

4.) The Washington Filibusters

3.) The Washington Philanderers

2.) The Washington Covfefes

AND THE NUMBER ONE NEW NAME BEING CONSIDERED FOR THE WASHINGTON REDSKINS...

The Washington Faucis

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon

Happy St. Pandemic's Day

                                                      

Every year we like to take some time right in the middle of our Lenten period of sacrifice and piety to raise a little hell, and St. Patrick's Day is the perfect excuse for doing so.  But this year, of course, With the health crisis looming over us, in order to even observe the day at all, we obviously all have to adjust and prepare for the unexpected. With that precaution in mind, I thought it might be a good idea to point out some of the adjustments we may have to make or things to take into consideration when preparing for the wearing o' the green this year. And so, to try and help you to make it through the day tomorrow, I present...

TOP 10 THINGS THAT WILL AFFECT YOUR ST. PATRICK'S DAY OBSERVANCE

10.) That corned beef and cabbage you bought at the public market for your St. Patrick's Day dinner is suddenly starting to not look so good

9.) The only thing you've got left to wash your hands with is a bottle of Jameson's

8.) Turner Classic Movies just changed their St. Patrick's Day schedule from showing “The Quiet Man” to “Dead Man Walking”

7.) You've already started thinking “Easter eggs or no Easter eggs?”

6.) Your local St. Patrick's Day parade consists of a guy in a leprechaun suit driving down Main Street in a green Ford Pinto with the windows and doors sealed shut

5.) The Irish band you hired to perform shows up wearing hazmat suits

4.) You go to visit your local Irish priest, Father O'Dooley to ask for a blessing and he refuses to open the door unless you can prove you've been tested

3.) Your earworm Irish song for the day is “Who Put The Coronavirus In Mrs. Murphy's Chowder?”

2.) You turn on the TV just in time to see Jerry Springer doing a St. Paddy's Day special from a supermarket

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING THAT WILL AFFECT YOUR ST. PATRICK'S DAY OBSERVANCE...

You just traded 12 cases of Guinness for a roll of toilet paper

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon

Another Valentine's Day Shot (Right Through The Heart)

                                                     

 Well, here it is -- the one day of the year (maybe besides New Year's Eve) that those of the unattached demographic face with dread, if not downright terror. For while they absolutely know that everyone else is out having a good time, enjoying the companionship of someone close, and who knows, maybe even making a little whoopee, they're home reading their James Thurber or binge watching GAME OF THRONES for the 25th time.  

Ah, but is that how things really are?  If you were to look more closely at the situation, you might find that perhaps you're not missing out on such a good time after all; since like with any other shared experience you'd like to believe that everything would go perfectly on a night like this, in actuality there are any number of things that could happen to ruin that dream evening. And so, as a warning for both those of you who are longing to be out there partying -- and whoopeeing -- and those who actually are but may run into some unexpected obstacles, I present:

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE HAVING A BAD ST. VALENTINE'S DAY

10.) While you're having a romantic candlelight dinner with your valentine, they get a text message saying that they've tested positive for the coronavirus

9.) The escort service you called for a date for this evening turns out to be a police sting operation

8.) Your blind date for the night looks like Mitch McConnell – but you figure what the hell, I'll take her out anyway

7.) On the way to the restaurant, your Uber driver starts making romantic passes at you

6.) The couple at the next table invites the two of you to come over and dine with them on lobster, filet mignon and French champagne to celebrate the night – then leaves you with the check

5.) While you're on the romantic moonlit cruise you booked for the evening, the boat's captain hands you a bucket and tells you to start bailing

4.) Your date asks you if you've ever enjoyed a “Whitman's Sampler” – and you see nary a box of candy anywhere

3.) You ordered a dozen roses online to be sent to your sweetie – what gets delivered is a dozen pictures of Rosie O'Donnell

2.) You're all set to spend another nice quiet Valentine's evening alone when your mother calls and asks if you have a date for tonight

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'RE HAVING A BAD ST. VALENTINE'S DAY...

You just found out you're going to be part of Donald Trump's St. Valentine's Day Massacre

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon

Halloween: What to Wear, What to Wear

So once again the year has rolled around to that time where we see more  ghosts and phantoms than we used to get with bad over the air TV reception. A time where we're all free to let out our inner child and pick a costume which allows us to act out any character or alternate personality we have hidden deep within our souls.

But as Brom Bones said to Ichabod crane, Beware!  Should you decide to attend a celebration of the evening wearing something that some would think was not socially acceptable or was even totally objectionable, you might not only not win the best costume contest, you might get kicked out of the party altogether. And so, just as a precaution, I present the: 

TOP 10 PERSONS YOU DON'T WANT TO DRESS UP AS ON HALLOWEEN...

10.) The Devil Wears Walmart

9.) Kim Jong Runt

8.) Tool Time Matt

7.) Sean Spicey

6.) Balloon Boy

5.) Wicked Witch of the West Wing

4.) Dr. Sadisticus

3. Chicken-white Man

 

2.) Tweedledum and Tweedledumber

AND THE NUMBER ONE PERSON YOU DON'T WANT TO DRESS UP AS ON HALLOWEEN...

Rudy Ghouliani

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon