A Revisionist Charlie Brown Christmas

I figured that after 50 years, it was time to update one of our favorite TV Christmas specials, to reflect the times we live in. And so, without any reservations (or any sense of shame), I present the key scene from A CHARLIE BROWN CHRISTMAS...

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INT. SCHOOL AUDITORIUM - NIGHT

CHARLIE BROWN AND LINUS STAND TOGETHER ON THE STAGE.

CHARLIE BROWN: Isn't there anyone who knows what Christmas is all about?

LINUS: Sure, Charlie Brown. I can tell you what Christmas is all about.

LINUS CROSSES TO THE CENTER OF THE STAGE.

LINUS: Lights, please... And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field keeping watch over their flock by night, and because they were of Arabic descent and were suspected of being members of ISIS (or at least ISIS sympathizers), lo, a squadron of F-16s came upon their strategic positions and blew them to pieces.

CHARLIE BROWN (AGHAST): Aaaaagh!

LINUS: And their wives and families had no place to flee to since none of the innkeepers would let them in.

CHARLIE BROWN STARTS HYPERVENTILATING.

LINUS: Now when Jesus was born in Bethlehem of Judea, behold, there came wise men from the east, the east being Iran. And since they were wise men, it was figured that they were wise enough to be capable of developing a nuclear weapon. So the F-16s took them out too.

CHARLIE BROWN STARTS CHOKING AND TURNING PURPLE.

LINUS: That's what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown... Oh, and by the way, get rid of that crappy tree.

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

  

-- Thomas Pynchon