Happy New Year! At Least You're Not Spending It With The Kardashians

Well, it's here again.  The one night out of the year when all social proprieties and courtesies seem to go out the window, leaving us terrified as to what consequences will result.  I'm referring of course, to the custom of attending the obligatory New Year's Eve party. And if it seems like hardly any time at all has passed since you barely dragged yourself home in a drunken stupor from wherever it was you ended up last year (minus your cell phone, your wallet, your car keys and several articles of clothing), you're quaking at the thought that once again Karma is ready to catch up with you this coming Thursday night.

But like every past year's parties, this year's festivities will probably end up being shaped and influenced by what went on during the course of the last 12 months, which means that it should be fairly easy to realize when  the party you've gone to turns out to be a real dog.  But just in case your radar isn't up, let me render the service of showing you the ...

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE AT A BAD NEW YEAR'S EVE PARTY

10) John Boehner hasn't touched a drop of liquor all night

9) You show up at the club you had reservations at with your same sex partner to find out that the bouncer at the front entrance is Kim Davis

8) Hillary Clinton was supposed to be at your party – but she apparently deleted your invitation

7) You're stuck in a corner with Ben Carson who's trying to explain something to you – who's trying to explain ANYTHING to you

6) Tom Brady keeps going around and squeezing all the party balloons to see if they're properly inflated

5) Hoda and Kathie Lee haven't touched a drop of liquor all night

4) You realize that you'd really rather be home watching to see how many different shades of red Kathy Griffin can make Anderson Cooper's face turn

3) The only other two people who show up are Charlie Sheen and his doctor

2) Caitlyn Jenner is crying on your shoulder and lamenting that after six months of trying to squeeze into tight evening gowns and Spanx, she wants to go back to being Bruce

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN THAT YOU'RE AT A BAD NEW YEAR'S EVE PARTY...

You're at the same party with Donald Trump and thousands of cheering Muslims



Happy New Year, everyone!

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

  

-- Thomas Pynchon