Hello, Halloween

Well, it's almost here. The favorite night of the year for ghosts, goblins, and pediatric dentists who make a killing every November filling Halloween candy-induced cavities.

But for the rest of us, as we grow into adulthood, we have to find ways to make October 31 actually meaningful in some way, as if we were trying to reach out and grab onto a piece of our fast disappearing childhood -- and believe me, as you cross into your 60's  that grip can become pretty weak.  And so we try to do things that will bring us back to those forgotten days of our youth.  We  put "It's The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!" on endless loop repeat on our DVRs, we go to scary amusement attractions -- or if we have no other option,  we actually go to a party dressed up in a costume that we wouldn't have been caught dead in when we were young.

And so it goes, but of course, the whole point of doing all this is to try and enjoy ourselves. However,  there should be a few clues here and there to tell you when things probably aren't going to go as you had hoped in terms of  your efforts to have a good time. so to help you sort those things out, I thought I'd give you a few indicators with my...

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE HAVING A BAD HALLOWEEN

10.) Billy Bush offers to take you out Trick or Treating in his pimped-out touring coach

9.) Chris Christie shows up at your door for the fifth time tonight and you finally give him the whole bowl of candy just to get rid of him

8.) The thought of Matt Lauer dressed up as a woman on Halloween again this year is starting to get you uncomfortably aroused

7.) You go to a house dressed as as Bernie Sanders and a Republican answers the door and tells you “You want candy? Work for it!”

6.) That big glass of apple cider you're drinking turns out to be Flint, Michigan tap water

5.) Instead of your house being pelted with eggs, it's being pelted with campaign fliers

4.) The young girl who shows up at your door coughing and wheezing and wearing a pantsuit tells you that this year she decided to go out as Hillary Clinton

3.) What you thought was werewolves howling at the moon turns out to be your next door neighbors getting it on in their hot tub

2.) You turn on the TV to watch your favorite Halloween special and you see something even scarier: Rudy Giuliani

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'RE HAVING A BAD HALLOWEEN...

Your Jack'o'Lantern just sprouted a mane of unruly hair and keeps shouting “And we're gonna build a wall!”

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon