Super Bowl? Super Sorry

Well it's nearly here. the day football fans all over the country (and yes even those in Buffalo and Cleveland) have waited for: our annual march into frenzy  and mayhem, all brought on by what has certainly outclassed itself as just another sporting event. And I'm sure one way or another, anyone who spends half a day tomorrow will probably think that at least some of it was worth giving up 12 hours of your life for.  

On the other hand, for those of you who are either invited to or are planning on hosting your own party to celebrate what has de facto become the fourth biggest holiday in our nation now may discover that there are a few tipoffs (no basketball pun intended) that the party you're at may not be all that. So to help you discern whether or not you can expect to have a good time wherever you spend the day watching the Pats and the Falcons, here are the

TOP TEN THINGS YOU PROBABLY DON'T WANT TO HEAR AT YOUR SUPER BOWL PARTY

10.) “Welcome to our annual Super Bowl party! The seating arrangements are: liberals on the left, conservatives on the right – whoops, wait, these were the instructions for the debates”

9.) “Honey, guess what? I just found the cable bill I thought I lost and never paid. Maybe that's why the picture suddenly went dark”

8.) “The place I got the wings from were out of the regular ones, so they gave me these. Besides, they told me bat wings are just as healthy to eat”

7.) “Hey I just thought of something. Every time Joe Buck and Troy Aikman cast longing glances at each other – drink!”

6.) “Gee, all this great food. But since I'm on a special diet, you got anything with tofu?"

5.) “Jim, your mother's on the phone. She's wondering why you haven't called her lately. Here, talk to her”

4.) ”So you're saying the quarterback is the guy who throws the ball and the receiver is the one who catches it. Well then, what do all the other guys do?"

3.) “Hey! Why are these wings so black and leathery?"

2.) "Thank God it's over. Now our country can get back to some semblance of sanity”

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING YOU PROBABLY DON'T WANT TO HEAR AT YOUR SUPER BOWL PARTY...

1.) “This game is boring. Why don't we hit my son's room and fire up his Madden 2016?”

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon