St. Patrick's Day: Getting Your Shamrocks Off

Well friends, once again we've gone nearly 365 days without  everyone trying to prove how Irish we all can be. But the big test comes up on Friday when folks by the millions regardless of age, sex. race, nationality, creed or religion, become one with the sons and daughters of old Eire and ends up puking their brains out.

However, for those of you who expect to be a little more moderate in your celebrating but still plan on attending a party or two, there are some pitfalls you may want to be aware of beforehand, just so you'll know if the affair you end up going to turns out to bite the big shillelagh. And so, with out further delay, here are the... 

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE AT A BAD ST. PATRICK'S DAY PARTY

10.) You see Hillary Clinton sitting at a table in the corner draped over a half-empty bottle of Jameson's and muttering “It should've been me... It should've been me...”

9.) At Paul Ryan's party, you find out that the new Republican health care plan doesn't cover anyone named Seamus, Liam or Mary Margaret


8.) All the party hats were misprinted so everyone's wearing green derbies that read “KILL ME, I'M IRISH”

7.) Kellyanne Conway keeps pulling you over and telling you to talk directly into the Showtime Rotisserie Oven

6.) That Martha Stewart recipe for a traditional Irish dinner that you prepared for your guests is turning everyone's face the same color as the cabbage

5.) You get invited to the CIA party and when you ask for directions, they tell you “Check Wikileaks”

4.) You showed up at the Mar-A-Lago St. Patrick's Day party just in time to hear Donald Trump tell everyone his top secret plans to “nuke North Korea bigly!”

3.) Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway just arrived to announce the award for Best Leprachaun Costume


2.) You find yourself sitting at the same table with Jeff Sessions, Mike Flynn, Jared Kushner and some guy who introduces himself as Vladdy O'Putin

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'RE AT A BAD ST. PATRICK'S DAY PARTY...

You're positively convinced that Barack Obama tapped your keg of Guinness

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon