Halloween Nightmare? No Thanks, I've Already Had One

Once again it's that time of year when everyone seemingly loses their head (sometimes literally, depending on what costume they're wearing) and lets loose  for a night of ghoulies, ghosties and orgies -- and experience the drive through hell on the way home when they can't focus on the road ahead and keep retching out the driver's door window.

But setting good times aside for the moment, you may discover that you've happened on a real clunker of a party at which death by beheading may seem to be a preferable alternative. However, before you wander into that party with your single Cyclops eye wide open, it might be helpful to be prepared in advance for such an occurrence in order to make a clean getaway across the bridge where the Headless  Horseman  can't trap you. And so with that in mind, I present...

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE AT A BAD HALLOWEEN PARTY

10.) “Bobbing for Apples” has been replaced by “Bombing for Kim Jung Un”

9.) Rosie O'Donnell shows up dressed as Steve Bannon; Steve Bannon shows up dressed as Rosie O'Donnell – you can't tell who's who

8.) The party turns out to be politically correct so everyone is required to wish everyone else “Happy Hallow-days!”

7.) Your invitation to Robert Mueller's party says “P.S. Please be accompanied by legal representation”

6.) The three scariest things playing on the big screen are "Frankenstein," "Dracula," and a video of Kellyanne Conway in the outfit she wore to the inauguration

5.) Eric and Donald Trump Jr. keep arguing over which end of the horse's costume each of them is going to wear

4.) At the zombie theme party, everyone comes dressed as a FEMA agent

3.) Hoda and Kathie Lee are playing “Bobbing For Martini Olives”

2.) Bill O'Reilly offers you $32 million to let him loofah you out of your Wonder Woman costume

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'RE AT A BAD HALLOWEEN PARTY...

It's at Harvey Weinstein's house

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon

Going Bald? Then Sing Your Way To Hair Restoration!

I'm at the age now where I've started to lose a few hairs now and then and find a few in my comb -- OK, I'm pretty bald. and I know for many men (and some women) it's a stage of life that we'd rather not go through, and so we start to look for  any solution we can find from drugs to plugs to toupees and wigs (and in some cases can barely afford)  to reverse the process of our fast-thinning crop.  

I began to think however that there's one remedy that seems to have had universal acceptance over the years, and I thought that maybe the application of that combined with something that seems to put us all in a more relaxed state and gets the blood flowing to those starving follicles on our noggins might be a sure-fire way back to a full head of hair. So I came up with a new procedure: Singing!

That's right, folks. The next time you visit your local karaoke, open mic night, or are just puttering around the house, let those vocal cords help restore that crop that started to go missing from your head since the age of 30. I've even provided a song and a backing track to help you begin. And so without further delay, I present my guaranteed cure for baldness:

“Rogaine”

(sung to the tune of "Cocaine" as done by Eric Clapton)

If you're losing your hair there's no need to despair – Rogaine!

And if you scream and you shout each time another falls out – Rogaine!

Don't despair,

Keep your hair,

It's all there – Rogaine!

If your love life's a dud because your head's like a spud – Rogaine!

If you want to get chicks you'd better buy the mix – Rogaine!

Head's a spud,

Life's a dud,

Wake up, Bud – Rogaine!

(Instrumental Bridge)

If you think you can't cope, well there still is hope – Rogaine!

So remember, my friend, it all works out in the end  – Rogaine!

There's still hope,
You can cope,
You're no dope – Rogaine!

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon