A Harry Mess

For those of you who plan on getting up and watching the royal wedding between Prince Harry and his betrothed Meghan Markle at 4:00 am EDT this coming Saturday, good luck and I hope you enjoy yourselves. (I'll still be tucked cozily in bed, dreaming about why I never became the fifth Beatle.)  And for those of you who were actually invited to the wedding, you can count yourselves among the lucky few who scored an invite to an historic occasion on a first-hand basis.

Or then again, maybe not so lucky. Because while royal weddings don't come along every day with all the pomp and circumstance you can imagine and we certainly wish the bride and groom many years of wedded bliss (or at least as many as Harry's father and uncle had with their first wives), there are always little things that can pop up that might indicate that the proceedings aren't going quite as well as the wedding planner had promised; and if you're actually there in person, you may find that there are a few mishaps that could leave you with the feeling that instead of the day being one of memories to last a lifetime, you were quite possibly royally screwed. Therefore, as a reminder to just keep an eye out for such mishaps, here are the:

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE HAVING A BAD ROYAL WEDDING EXPERIENCE

10) You're not sure whether you're actually supposed to be there because your wedding invitation was addressed to “Occupant”

9) Kate and William are sitting right behind you with their newborn so you have to endure the whole service with the kid screaming in your ear

8) Michael Cohen is going around telling all the guests “Look, for only half a mil I can get you access to the entire royal family”

7) Your coach-and-four gets ticketed for parking in a “No Equine” zone

6) You discover that you and Dame Edna are wearing the same dress 

5) In a moment of unfortunate timing, just as Her Majesty Elizabeth emerges from her carriage, the band starts playing Elton John's “The Bitch Is Back”

4) That cheap toaster you got them for a wedding gift in return got you a fortnight in the Tower

3) Just as the vicar is about to pronounce the happy couple man and wife, Daniel Craig crashes through the roof on a hang glider

2) The guy sitting next to you with the orange comb-over and wearing the fake beard and sunglasses leans over and whispers “You know, they could have really done this up bigly if they'd booked it at Mar a Lago”

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'RE HAVING A BAD ROYAL WEDDING EXPERIENCE...

Instead of Windsor Castle, your GPS unit sends you to Windsor. Ontario

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                     "Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon