RUDY (No, Not The Football Legend)

Funny thing about Donald Trump's legal defense team: just like his presidency itself, it keeps getting weirder and weirder.  And just like Trump himself, every time  someone opens his or her mouth to defend him, it leads to more conflict and lies.

So what does Trump do? He hires what he believes must be one of the finest legal minds that is at least still speaking to him; a man who at this point is so far past his prime that his thinking processes have more holes in them than Swiss cheese. I'm referring, of course to the famous (or infamous) Rudy Giuliani who has hopped on board the Trump Titanic and become his public legal spokesman.

The trouble with that is that just as if the captain of the Titanic told one of his crewmen that the ship was running low on ice and ordered him to see what he could do about it, Rudy seems to have grabbed the wheel and steered the ship directly toward the iceberg. In a little over a month since being hired, he's created enough controversy and scandal to keep Robert Mueller and the US Attorney's office in New York happily employed for the next 10 years.  

And what else has he revealed that probably makes him the worst choice to speak on behalf of the president at this point?  Well, thanks to my inside sources (the janitor at Fox News who empties out the mini-fridge in Sean Hannity's office twice a year) I've gotten a peek at some of the other things that barely missed being made public and would have made Ol' Rudy an even bigger laughing stock than he already is. So, without further pause, here are the...

TOP 10 GAFFES RUDY GIULIANI'S MADE SINCE JOINING TRUMP'S LEGAL TEAM

10.) “There never was a meeting at Trump Tower between Trump's campaign and some Russians, and there never will be again, either”

9.) “Did I say Jared's expendable? I meant defendable – I meant dependable -- I meant deplorable”

8.) “The president repaid Cohen, and Putin repaid the president”

7.) “I keep getting Robert Mueller and Dennis Miller confused. Which one's doing the investigation?"

6.) “I'm not sure what date 9/11 happened on. The president keeps saying it was 7/11 and I'm still getting up to speed on that”

5.) “He's not only the healthiest president we've ever had, he's the horniest”

4.) “The president's been so busy getting our country back on the right track he's barely had time to fit in 111 rounds of golf”

3.)  “I can confirm to you that the president and Kim Jong Un are all set for a top secret meeting – at Mar a Lago – on May 25^th – at 10:00 a.m – in the main dining room”

2.) “If the president weren't already married to his daughter Ivanka, he most certainly'd be dating her”

AND THE NUMBER ONE GAFFE RUDY GIULIANI'S MADE SINCE JOINING TRUMP'S LEGAL TEAM...

“These are all legal questions you're asking me. How am I supposed to know the answers?”

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                     "Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon