It Only Hurts When My Heart Beats

During the long dark days of winter there are only a few times which can raise our spirits: New Year's Day, Super Bowl Sunday (except for non-Patriots fans), the federal holidays and of course, the day made for love and romance, Valentine's Day.  How nice to take a break from the dampness, the bleakness, the short days and long dreary nights to renew -- or begin -- something that can hopefully keep you emotionally warm throughout the rest of the season.

But hold on a second. While the day may seem full of promise and overflowing with bliss to the naive and unsuspecting, those of us who have been visited by the ghosts of Valentine's Days past know that those particular 24 hours don't always turn out the way your fantasies planned.  And so, as a service for those of you who are walking into this day with your eyes wide open (and so you don't make the same mistakes next year), I present...

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE HAVING A BAD VALENTINE'S DAY

10.) Your inflatable rubber doll springs a leak

9.) On this special night, just as you're about to propose to your sweetheart, your Skype service crashes

8.) You can't treat your paramour to a special romantic Valentine's Day meal because Denny's ran out of eggs for their Grand Slam Breakfasts

7.) The gold jewelry you gave your honey turns green within 30 minutes of it being exposed to air

6.) That romantic evening you planned at home is interrupted by the neighbors coming over and asking if you'd be interested in swapping wives

5.) Still waiting for Budweiser to come out with a chocolate covered strawberry-flavored beer

4.) You open the door to the romantic lovers' suite you reserved at the Trump International Hotel to find it occupied by a group of Saudi diplomats

3.) 1-800Flowers screws up your order and sends your floral arrangement to a funeral home with card attached that says “From Your Secret Mushy Wushy Lover – Have A Wonderful Day!”

2.) You just realized your best bet for having a date tonight is by logging on to BoyAmILonely.com

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'RE HAVING A BAD VALENTINE'S DAY...

Threat of another government shutdown – Valentine's Day cancelled

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                     "Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon