"I Now Pronounce This Training Camp Open!"

Well, here it is -- the week all true NFL fans have been waiting for, the week that NFL training camps open; several this week for rookie reports and the rest of the league next week. And just like Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade marks the start of the Christmas shopping season, we can all now start ticking off the days until the official season -- the REAL football season starts, except instead of a parade we now get 330 pound linemen lumbering on to the practice fields with a rumble that'll set off the seismometers at Cal Tech. That's right, folks -- no more suffering through any XFL, USFL or any other junior league games. This is the real deal.  

But wait.  How do we know how our favorite team is going to do this year? Well, if you listen to the daily press briefings by the team's head coach, it might give you an inkling of expectations. However, because even the best of coaches can occasionally commit a faux pas on both the gridiron and in the pressroom, there are things you might hear them let slip in answering a question here and there  that wasn't meant for public consumption. So, as an aid to help you read between the sidelines so to speak during moments like these, here are my...

TOP 10 THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR YOUR FAVORITE TEAM'S HEAD COACH SAY DURING TRAINING CAMP

10.) “I know a 3 and 14 season last year wasn't what we expected, but it sure beat the 1 and 16 season we actually ended up with”

9.) “What are our plans for utilizing our number one draft choice? Well, our first plan is to convince him to show up”

8.) “Free agents? We don't need no stinking free agents!”

7.) “I can say for a fact that we had every intention of trading for Aaron Rodgers – right up until the moment we found out our equipment manager fled to Mexico with our bonus money”

6.) “This season, so that we play our best football during the third and fourth quarters, I'm limiting all halftime conjugal visits to10 minutes each”

5.) “This year, in order to keep Bill Belichick from stealing our offensive schemes, we'll be sending our plays in via mental telepathy”

4.) “This season, when that scoreboard clock strikes zero, I want to be convinced that we've left most of it on the field”

3.) “In the unforgettable words of the great Vince Lombardi. winning isn't everything, something, something, something...”

2.) “We plan on definitely being more focused this season, so this year I've decided to – squirrel!”

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING YOU DON'T WAN'T TO HEAR YOUR FAVORITE TEAM'S HEAD COACH SAY DURING TRAINING CAMP...

“As of today, I am declaring my candidacy for the Republican nomination for President of the United States”

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

  -- Thomas Pynchon

I Should Have Stayed In Bed 'Til The 5th

Yes, folks, here it is -- the real start of the summer holiday season, and a way to get out and enjoy the weather, the good friends and the celebration of our Independence Day. what could go wrong?

Well, a lot as it turns out; but rather than offer you a litany of hundreds of things that may happen, I just want to highlight some stuff that might indicate that the day is not going to go as planned. So in order to keep you on your toes to watch for sudden disaster, here are the...

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE HAVING A BAD 4TH OF JULY

10.) While digging through your barbeque equipment, you come across a bunch of document boxes with the initials “DJT” in your garage

9.) Due to road construction, the town 4^th of July parade has been rerouted through your back yard

8.) The band you hired to add a patriotic touch to your picnic turns out to be a Russian group named Vladimir and the Oligarchs

7.) Your neighbors show up carrying AR-15's after the pickleball tournament you're holding starts getting a little loud

6.) You discover the case of hot dogs you saved to grill today has an expiration date of 1999 on it

5.) Your obnoxious uncle shows up to your picnic and starts ranting about how the election was stolen

4.) Your picnic is cut short by the EMS showing up to tend to everyone choking on smoke from the Canadian wildfires

3.) George Santos shows up and starts relating stories about his great great great grandfather, Thomas Jefferson

2.) You discover that those fireworks you bought at the dollar store are worth every penny you paid for them – pffft!

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'RE HAVING A BAD 4TH OF JULY...

United Airlines has decided to give all its employees the day off – Enjoy sleeping in the airport!