"I Now Pronounce This Training Camp Open!"

Well, here it is -- the week all true NFL fans have been waiting for, the week that NFL training camps open; several this week for rookie reports and the rest of the league next week. And just like Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade marks the start of the Christmas shopping season, we can all now start ticking off the days until the official season -- the REAL football season starts, except instead of a parade we now get 330 pound linemen lumbering on to the practice fields with a rumble that'll set off the seismometers at Cal Tech. That's right, folks -- no more suffering through any XFL, USFL or any other junior league games. This is the real deal.  

But wait.  How do we know how our favorite team is going to do this year? Well, if you listen to the daily press briefings by the team's head coach, it might give you an inkling of expectations. However, because even the best of coaches can occasionally commit a faux pas on both the gridiron and in the pressroom, there are things you might hear them let slip in answering a question here and there  that wasn't meant for public consumption. So, as an aid to help you read between the sidelines so to speak during moments like these, here are my...

TOP 10 THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR YOUR FAVORITE TEAM'S HEAD COACH SAY DURING TRAINING CAMP

10.) “I know a 3 and 14 season last year wasn't what we expected, but it sure beat the 1 and 16 season we actually ended up with”

9.) “What are our plans for utilizing our number one draft choice? Well, our first plan is to convince him to show up”

8.) “Free agents? We don't need no stinking free agents!”

7.) “I can say for a fact that we had every intention of trading for Aaron Rodgers – right up until the moment we found out our equipment manager fled to Mexico with our bonus money”

6.) “This season, so that we play our best football during the third and fourth quarters, I'm limiting all halftime conjugal visits to10 minutes each”

5.) “This year, in order to keep Bill Belichick from stealing our offensive schemes, we'll be sending our plays in via mental telepathy”

4.) “This season, when that scoreboard clock strikes zero, I want to be convinced that we've left most of it on the field”

3.) “In the unforgettable words of the great Vince Lombardi. winning isn't everything, something, something, something...”

2.) “We plan on definitely being more focused this season, so this year I've decided to – squirrel!”

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING YOU DON'T WAN'T TO HEAR YOUR FAVORITE TEAM'S HEAD COACH SAY DURING TRAINING CAMP...

“As of today, I am declaring my candidacy for the Republican nomination for President of the United States”

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

  -- Thomas Pynchon