The NFL In Merrie Old England

Well. football fans, after only two weeks into the season, we've already come to the part where things start to get a little weird; meaning basically that the NFL is making its annual pilgrimage back to Wembley Stadium in London in order to entice someone to perhaps decide to buy a franchise or relocate a team there.  This year, the victimized squad is once again the Jacksonville Jaguars who are not going to play only one, but TWO games there in consecutive weeks, the second being against the Buffalo Bills at the new Tottenham Stadium, which by the way is also in London. My main reaction to this is: Look out, Jaguars  season ticket fans, you may soon be paying thousands of dollars to watch your team play all its home games near the White Cliffs of Dover. 

However, it might be refreshing to see what kinds of changes may come to the game as a result of hopping the Atlantic, specifically in the form of how much more disciplined the game might be played and what kind of punishment might be incurred for different infractions. And so in both speculation and anticipation of what we may see at future NFL games played in London, I give you the...

TOP 10 PENALTIES WHEN THE NFL COMES TO ENGLAND

10.) Holding – 10 yards and sent to Harrod's Department Store without any charge cards

9.) Offside – 5 yards and being forced to eat a week's worth of jellied eels

8.) Ogling Kate Middleton as she and her boys enter the stadium – 15 yards and automatic beheading

7.) Roughing the passer -- 15 yards and an appointment with a British dentist

6.) Illegal formation -- 5 yards and being made to listen to denial excuses by Prince Andrew

5.) Not remembering to “Mind The Gap” – 5 yards and suspension of transfer privileges on the tube

4.) Defensive Pass Interference – 15 yards and offending player made to sing “Rule, Britannia!”

3.) Offensive pass Interference – Same thing, except he sings it backwards

2.) Refusing to acknowledge HRM King Charles as the true and rightful Monarch of The Realm – No penalty

AND THE NUMBER ONE PENALTY WHEN THE NFL COMES TO ENGLAND...

Calling the Referee “A Bloody Irish Dolt!” – 15 yards and a fortnight in the Tower

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

  -- Thomas Pynchon