Did Her Majesty Really Just Say That?

Now that all the pomp, circumstance and nonsense is past over the Queen's 60th anniversary jubilee, and with a week's perspective between it and us, I thought it might be a good time to review some of the pictures that appeared of the royal family on the balcony at Buckingham Palace and try and determine what they were REALLY  saying and thinking during the proceedings. And so, based on some reliable sources (those voices in my head) I decided to offer you what I expect was transpiring while we were all watching and being dazzled by the whole affair:

ELIZABETH: "How much longer must we stand out here?  My Spanx are beginning to sweat!"

CHARLES; "Look, Camilla, I believe I've just spotted Sir Nigel Tittlewood-Plinth -- of the  Shropshire Tittlewood-Plinths."

CAMILLA: "Oh, Charles  do ask him to come up here and join us, and we can all wave to the riff-raff."

WILLIAM: "Look, Kate, there's that idiot polo friend of my father's, Sir Nigel Tittlewood-Plinth. I hope he's not coming up here.  The man always smells like a horse."

ELIZABETH: "Camilla dear, let me show you the proper way to do the royal wave.  You simply hold your hand erect and then just keep repeating to yourself  'Twist the wrist... Twist the wrist... Twist the wrist...'"

HARRY (to himself): "Well, here I am, the only man standing on this balcony without a woman on my arm. How gay is that?"

ELIZABETH: "Charles, I do wish you would please refrain from putting your hands in your pockets and fiddling with your bits and pieces."

CHARLES:"But Mummy -- "

ELIZABETH: "Enough, I say! It's a nasty habit and terribly unbecoming for an heir to the throne."

CHARLES: "Yes, Mummy.  Hands out of the pockets."

WILLIAM: "Well, Grandmum, it's been a little over a year now since the wedding. What do you think of my wife?"

ELIZABETH: "I think she's a lovely girl, William. But for the sake of your progeny, I still have my misgivings that she's far too narrow in the hips."

KATE (to Harry):  "You mean to tell me that there's eight hundred rooms in this palace and not a single loo on this side of the building?  Good lord, when is this family going to find its way into the 20th century?"

 

 CHARLES: "Camilla, how much longer must we stand out here?  My Spanx are beginning to sweat!"

ELIZABETH: "Charles, isn't that your friend Sir Nigel Tittlewood-Plinth?  For some strange reason, the man always reminds me of being at the Epsom Derby!"

CHARLES: "Look at that amazing sight, Mummy!  An absolutely stupendous flyover by the RAF!"

ELIZABETH: "Yes, I certainly do think -- wait, that isn't the RAF... It's a squadron of Luftwaffe!... Quick! Everyone head for the bunker! INCOMING!"

HARRY: "Is it just me, or do we all seem to be getting smaller?"

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon

"Have A Good One!"

I don't know if this phenomenon is happening in your part of the world these days, but it seems lately, every time I visit my local bank or grocery store, my transactions with those establishments always conclude with the clerk or teller bestowingupon me his or her good wishes to "Have a good one!" in a cute, pleasant, tuneful kind of sing-songy voice.

In fact, I had one say it to me a just the other day, and I was just about to reply with a smartass "I have a great one! How's yours doing?" when I realized that  in some perverted deviant way, a 16-year old cashier might regard such an answer as inappropriate, resulting in my name being ultimately showing up on some state agency's list of social undesirables.  So I politely said through a clenched-tooth smile "Thanks! And you too!"

But it didn't settle my mind to think that I'd just wished someone something  about which I still had no idea of its meaning, and I certainly wouldn't have a problem with saying it myself -- if I only knew what it was they were referring to when they use the words "Have a good one!"  Have a good what?  A good day?  A good hour?  A good shopping trip?  A good hernia operation?  A couple of weeks ago, my niece returned from a trip to England with a kidney stone and I began to wonder if, in an expression of sympathy, I should have told her "Sorry to hear about your kidney stone attack, Sweetie...  And I hope should you suffer through one of those again, well... have a good one!"

Now I don't think I'm too old to keep up on what Gen Y uses for hip language and expressions these days, and I think for the most part, I manage to do a pretty good job of keeping the colloquialisms my own generation used, like "groovy," "far out," and "Right on!" out of my speech.  But at least those words were pretty definitive and were understood by most generations, both older and younger than mine. 

But "Have a good one"?!...  I'm still trying to wrap my brain around the expression "Back in the day..."

However, the more I wondered about it, I started to think about what it would be like to use that  expression as an all-encompassing phrase of convenience, whenever you couldn't come up with somethng to describe exactly what you meant, but yet which everyone else seemed to be able to vaguely understand and would nod their heads approvingly at whenever it was used. 

Further, how great would it have been to have had  such a phrase that could be used for virtually any situation or occasion, and under any circumstances?  Think back for instance throughout the course of history and all the times that expression could have really been useful...

In the Old Testament, the book of Genesis could have started right out with the words "In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth... and he saw that it was a good one."

Or how about Moses trying to exhort Pharaoh to free the Hebrews? -- "Thus says the Lord God of Israel: Let my people have a good one!" (Somehow, though,  I have the sneaking feeling that knowing the Jews, they couldn't "have a good one" without letting some issues of guilt creep in somewhere along the way.)

Now let's move ahead to the 17th century, and William Shakespeare would have found that dropping it in whenever he was stuck for a catchy phrase or some colorful wordplay would have made his writing go so much more simply and quickly...

Like in ROMEO AND JULIET: "Good night, good night!  Parting is such sweet sorrow, that I shall say have a good one!"

Or HAMLET: "To be or not to be, that is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to have a good one!"

And think of the time it could have saved ol' Will if he could have used it whenever it was convenient in JULIUS CAESAR:

Julius Caesar, as the final knife is being plunged into him: "Et tu, Brute? -- then, have a good one!"

And later, during Antony's funeral oratory scene: "Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears!  I come not to praise Caesar, but to have a good one!"

Jump ahead  another century, when Georg Frideric Handel is writing his monumental oratorio, MESSIAH, and instead of creating the inspiring "Alleluia Chorus," we end up hearing the choir give us a rousing "Ha-a-a-ve a good one! 
Ha-a-a-ve a good one! Have a good one! Have a good one! Ha-ave a good one! ... For the Lord God Omnipotent reigneth (Have a good one! Have a good one!)... For the Lord God Omnipotent reigneth! (Have a good one! have a good one!)..."  Well, you get the idea.


But now we come to the greatest moment on our own country's history, the American Revolution.  Think of the  memorable rehetoric that might have been recorded...

The brilliant intellect of Thomas Jefferson, in writing the Declaration of Independence, could have either totally clarified our reasons for rebellion or totally obscurred them (depending on your point of view) if he had included the words "We hold these truths to be self-evident that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the purfuit of a good one."

Or what about Patrick Henry's own stirring declaration in the Virginia House of Burgesses: "I know not what course others may take, but as for me, give me liberty or give me a good one!"

And how about the bravery shown out on the open seas by Commander John Paul Jones, who, when challenged by the British admiral calling to him "Captain! Do you strike your colors? Do you surrender?" could have valiantly replied "On the contrary, sir.  I have not yet begun to have a good one!"

If we march forward now to 1863, how much reverence and honor would Abraham Lincoln have given our fallen soldiers at the battlefield of Gettysburg by beginning his remarks with "Fourscore and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created to have a good one..."

Now move ahead to the 20th century, and recalling President Kennedy's inspiring inaugural speech -- would it have been even more memorable if we had heard the following?  "And so my fellow Americans, ask not what your country can do for you, but ask what you can do to have a good one!"

Or how about Neil Armstrong, setting foot on the moon and thrilling us all with the words "That's one small step for Man, one giant good one for Mankind."

And finally, during the last days of communism's grip on Eastern Europe, how different history might have been if Ronald Reagan had stood at that podium in Berlin and declared "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down ths wall -- and let these people have a good one!"



In the end I've decided that it's not worth it to fret or worry or let my mind be boggled over a phrase that I'll probably never be comfortable with, no matter how hard I try.  Matter of fact, the next time I hear it from a teller or cashier, I think I'll simply come back with "You know, you might just be famous someday for saying those words."  And I'll walk away smiling while they stand there with the most puzzled look on their face.

If only I knew what the hell it meant!

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon

Top 10 Mitt Romney Bumper Stickers

This actually began as a couple of tweets on my Twitter account (@tqsideways) but then I started to do some more thinking about ol’ Mittens and some of his unique (and sometimes comical) campaign experiences -- and realized “What better way to save them for posterity than by the old tried and true method of creating a bumper sticker for them?” So I decided to expand my short list, and hereby present to you, Dear Reader:

TOP 10 MITT ROMNEY BUMPER STICKERS

10.) I BRAKE FOR BANKRUPTCIES

9.) BETCHA $10,000 I GET THERE BEFORE YOU DO

8.) I USED TO DO JUMPING JACKS TO STAY IN SHAPE -- NOW I JUST DO FLIP-FLOPS

7.) I WONDER WHAT THE PEOPLE MAKING UNDER 17 MILLION ARE DRIVING TODAY?

6.) THIS CAR HAS AN ELEVATOR WAITING FOR IT AT HOME

5. ) IF THIS CAR HAD BEEN MADE IN DETROIT, I WOULDN’T HAVE PAID FOR IT

4.) WANNA BUY THIS CAR? BORROW THE MONEY FROM YOUR PARENTS

3.) CARS ARE PEOPLE, MY FRIEND -- WAIT, THAT‘S CORPORATIONS, CARS ARE METAL AND GLASS

2.) IF YOU CAN READ THIS, YOU’RE CLOSE ENOUGH TO TELL ME IF THE DOG IS STILL ON THE ROOF

And the Number One Mitt Romney Bumper Sticker…

ARE WE IN THE CAYMANS YET?

　
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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon

Little-Known Facts You Probably Never Heard About STAR WARS

This year marks the thirty-fifth anniversary of the release of the first STAR WARS movie, later called "Episode IV: A New Hope” which starred the now-famous trio of Mark Hamill, Carrie Fisher and Harrison Ford. And since today, May 4, has been designated “May the 4th Be With You Day,“ I’m sure you’ll be bombarded with all sorts of trivia and tedium about the movie.

I was never a big science-fiction fan, but since the movie (and the franchise) has achieved legendary status, and I have a friend who ran the marketing department at Fox at the time the move was released, I thought it would be helpful to add to the festivities by telling some of the things I know about the films (or heard rumored-- or made up).

For instance:

Harrison Ford was not the first actor considered for the part of Han Solo. He was only hired after it was discovered that another up and coming young actor, Harrison Chevy was not available.

Many people have come to believe that the character of Chewbacca was based on George Lucas’s dog, Indiana. In actuality, Chewbacca was based on Lucas’ very hairy uncle, Louie, whom whenever George would visit him, was always sitting around in his underwear, smoking a cigar, drinking a beer, and had an ammo belt and an AK-47 slung over his shoulder.  He combed his body hair with a garden rake and was forever picking fleas out of it.  He even belched like Chewbacca.

Before Carrie Fisher was cast in the role of Princess Leia, her mother Debbie Reynolds was considered. The final decision came down not to the fact that Miss Reynolds might be too old for the role, but that she was so diminutive that her neck wasn’t strong enough for her to hold her head up with the hair buns attached. It was quickly realized that she would have to play the part with her face constantly flush down on a horizontal surface.

The village of Moss Eiseley was based on the city of Burbank (or maybe it was Santa Clarita -- hard to tell).

The name Luke Skywalker was derived from the fact that when he was a toddler, George Lucas thought that the  kids riding on the swings at the local playground were actually walking through the air. He kept yelling to his parents “Look! Skywalker! Look! Skywalker!”

The Death Star was originally going to be a black hole, but Lucas found he couldn’t keep the cast members from falling into it.

The famous words at the beginning, ”A Long Time Ago, In A Galaxy Far Away..” replaced the words "It Was A Dark And Stormy Night,” which Lucas thought he might have heard or read somewhere.

The voice of Darth Vader which was done by James Earl Jones, was originally supposed to be done by Richard Simmons (somehow I just don’t think Lord Vader would have been nearly as nasty with that voice and striped huggy short-shorts).

The Emperor's original name was Rush Limbaugh.

And finally….

That creature in the trash compactor on the Death Star that kept dragging Luke under the water? It was actually Mark Hamill’s agent, trying to yank him out of the film, convinced it was going to be a monumental bomb.


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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon

I'm At WKRP In Cincinnati (In My Head)

One of my all-time favorite sitcoms was WKRP IN CINCINNATI, the show about that loveable bunch of losers  who had all finally found a home at a Top 40 radio station in The Queen City of the Ohio River Valley after a format change. 

Fans of the show couldn't wait to see what  kind of misadventures station owner and manager Arthur Carlson (actor Gordon Jump), newsman Les Nessman (Richard Sanders), morning DJ Dr. Johnny Fever (Howard Hesseman), ad salesman Herb Tarlek (Frank Bonner) and the rest of  the group managed to get themselves enmeshed in every week, and anyone who remembers the series when it aired back in the 70's will never forget the classic Thanksgiving episode, "Turkeys Away" in which Mr. Carlson engineered what turned out to be, as his program director Andy Travis called it,"The most unusual promotion idea I've ever heard of," not to mention probably the greatest closing punchline in sitcom history.  If you want to see the episode, you can watch it here.

Which is why when in 1991, a couple of years after I moved out to Los Angeles, I was thrilled to find out that MTM Productions was bringing back a new version of the show in syndication, THE NEW WKRP IN CINCINNATI which included some new cast members, but also featured three of the originals (Mr. Carlson, Les and Herb) and promises that  a few of the other originals would make an appearance now and then.

Armed with that knowledge, I was able through channels to meet with one of the producers and subsequently came up with what I thought was a darn good story for the show, one in which the Carlson family discovers something about a promise one of their ancestors made and how it might affect them today -- at a most inopportune time  -- if I had only ever gotten the chance to pitch it.  At any rate, THE NEW WKRP IN CINCINNATI came and went after only two seasons, and my story went unread -- and unproduced.

But fear not! Thanks to the magic of the Internet, My story can still be read -- and laughed at (hopefully for all the right reasons).   Over the next few blogs, I'll post portions of the script, interspersed with my regular posts,  breaking the script down into its indivdual scenes,  so you can read them as you would a play -- and when I've posted all the scenes, I'll post the links to all of them so you can read it as a complete script.

A couple of details first:

(1) While the cast of the new version did include Mr. Carlson, Les Nessman and Herb Tarlek, all in their same positions at the station, there were some new faces in familiar spots.  Intelligent blonde receptionist Jennifer (Lonnie Anderson) had been replaced by ditzy blonde Nancy (Marla Rubinoff), the show's morning DJ was now a fellow named Razor D (played by French Stewart, who you may remember as Harry in THIRD ROCK FROM THE SUN), late night DJ Venus Flytrap's  (Tim Reid)  shift was now held by Mona Loveland (actress Tawny Kitaen of BACHELOR PARTY fame) and the program director whose job previously belonged to Andy Travis  (Gary Sandy)  was now a fellow named Donovan Aderhold (played by Mykelti Williamson, most memorable as Bubba, Forrest's shrimp business partner in the movie FORREST GUMP).

(2) Herb's fixation on the female employees at the station continues, only now it's directed at Mona now that Jennifer has moved on, but to complicate matters, Nancy, the current receptionist has a huge crush on Herb, and he wants nothing of it.

So let's begin with the teaser:

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THE NEW WKRP IN CINCINNATI

"The Carlson Legacy"

TEASER

FADE IN:


INT. RECEPTION AREA - DAY
(Mona, Nancy, Les, Carlson, Herb, Donovan)


(MONA AND NANCY ARE DECORATING THE ROOM WITH
STREAMERS AND ORNAMENTS, AS THEY WILL THROUGHOUT THE SCENE. LES ENTERS WITH A SHEET OF PAPER)


                   LES

     How's this sound?

(READS FROM THE PAPER)

     Fellow citizens, honored guests,

     distinguished leaders, august 

     participants, and most excellent

     dignitaries.  I humbly welcome

     you to Cincinnati's Countdown to

     Two Hundred celebration.

                    MONA

     "Most excellent dignitaries?"  Gee,

     Les, don't you think you're laying

     it on just a little bit thick?

                   LES

     Mona, are you insinuating that just 

     because Fountain Square will be virtually

     filled with all of Cincinnati's most

     important bigwigs and mucky mucks that

     all I'm trying to do is kiss up?  Well,

     let me set things prefectly straight on

     that thought, Missy! I have to! 

                   MONA

     Well then, how about "to all you lackeys

     enslaved by the political and societal

     institutions that have made our city what

     it is today?"

                   NANCY

      How about "Hey, there, you cool people,

      thanks for coming!"

                   LES

      (REALIZING THEY'RE PUTTING HIM ON)

      How about offering some really useful

      criticism for a change?

                   MONA

      We will when we hear something really

      useful, Les.

                   LES

     Look, this the countdown to our city's

     bicentennial.  This is history!  This is

     Americana!  Could you show at least a

     little interest in it?

                   NANCY
    
     Hey, I'm going out for sushi after

     work.  Anyone want to come?

(MONA STARTS TO HANG A STRING OF SAD FACES
WITH THE INTERNATIONAL RED "NO" SYMBOL
SLASHED THROUGH THEM)

                   LES

(RE: THE DECORATIONS)

     What's all this?

                   MONA

     For the latest ratings book, Les.

     Assuming Donovan has some good news.

                   LES

     Come on, Mona, be realistic.

(HE GOES OVER TO THE WALL AND TRIES TO PEEL
ONE OF THE RED "NO" SYMBOLS OFF A SAD FACE)

                   LES  (CONT'D)

     Do these come off?

                   NANCY

     Now don't be so negative, Les.

     Like my mother always said, in addition

     to "Nancy, don't forget to wipe your

     nose," she said "Always have hope." 

     And then she'd hand me a kleenex.

(CARLSON AND HERB ENTER FROM OUTSIDE. HERB
IS GASPING FOR AIR)

                   CARLSON

     ...Easy now, Herb.  You're going to

     be all right.

                   LES

     Herb!  What's wrong!

                   CARLSON

     We were visiting a prospective client

     and he started hyperventilating.  Nancy,

     could you please get some water?

(NANCY EXITS DOWN THE HALLWAY)

                   MONA

     What happened?

                   HERB

     Instinctive reaction, I guess, Dollface.

     Forty-five minutes of getting nowhere 

     with the guy and suddenly all I could

     think of was you.  And that dress. 

     And no underwear.

(MONA GLARES AT HIM)

                   CARLSON

      And I still think we could have gotten

      the account if you hadn't blurted it

      out in the middle of your sales pitch.

                   HERB

      Big deal!  It was just a religious

      bookstore.  Little hole in the wall

      place.

                   CARLSON

      Yeah.  Friends of mine.

(NANCY RETURNS WITH A CUP OF WATER AND
HANDS IT TO CARLSON)

                   CARLSON  (CON'TD)

        Oh, thanks.

(HE TAKES TWO PILLS OUT OF HIS POCKET, POPS
THEM INTO HIS MOUTH AND TAKES THEM DOWN WITH
THE WATER, DRAINING THE CUP.  HERB DESPERATELY
GRABS THE CUP, THEN, SEEING IT'S EMPTY, TOSSES
IT OVER HIS SHOULDER)

                   HERB

     I just don't know what's come over me

     lately, Big Guy.  Maybe I  just need a

     change or something.

                   MONA

     Well, maybe you'll get a change, Herb. 

     Who knows what might happen once Donovan

     gets back with the news.

                   CARLSON

     What news?

                   NANCY

     About the ratings, boss.

                   CARLSON

     Was that today?  Oh, yeah, I seem

     to recall signing a memo.  Something

     about lunch for everyone at Subs'N'Suds

     if we improved.  At my expense.

                    HERB

(SOTTO, TO MONA)

      His wallet shall remain forever closed.

                    LES

      Well, at least we can celebrate Mr.

      Carlson's good fortune!
 
                    CARLSON

       We sure can!

(THEN, NOT QUTE SURE WHAT LES IS REFERRING TO,
WITH A GESTURE TOWARDS HERB)

        Uh, Les, you do understand what

        happened here, don't you?

                    LES

       What I mean is, I'm on the nominating 

       committee for the Countdown to Two

       Hundred's list of the city's two

       hundred most prominent families, and

       I've proudly put forth the Carlsons'

       name to be on that list.

                   MONA

       The Carlsons?  Our Carlsons?

                   NANCY
 
       Wow.  Where'd you ever get their name

       from?

                   LES

       Personally, I think it's a slam drop!

                   CARLSON

       I think that's "slam dunk", Les.  But

       thank you.  I can't think of anythng

       I'd rather hear after going through one

       of the more "interesting" mornings of

       my life.

                  HERB

(ANNOYED)

       Hole in the wall place.  Like I was

       saying --

(DONOVAN ENTERS FROM OUTSIDE WITH AN ATTACHE CASE UNDER HIS ARM, EXPRESSIONLESS)

                  DONOVAN

       Morning, all.

(HE'S GREETED WITH SILENCE, THEN:)

                  ALL (EXCEPT DONOVAN)

        Well?...

                  DONOVAN

(TAKING SOME MATERIALS OUT OF HIS ATTACHE CASE)

        Well, might as well give it to you

        straight.

                  HERB

(SOTTO, TO MONA)

         Great, here it comes.  Three

         disasters in one day.

(OFF MONA'S LOOK OF PUZZLEMENT)

         Me, the ratings book -- and whatever

         involvement Les has with that

         committee.
                 
                 DONOVAN

         We didn't finish fifteenth again.

(EVERYONE GROANS IN DISAPPOINTMENT)

                 DONOVAN  (CONT'D)

         We finished twelfth.

(EVERYONE GROANS EVEN LOUDER)

                  CARLSON

          Well, better luck next -- wait,

          did you say twelfth?

                  DONOVAN

          Indeed I did.

(NO ONE MOVES FOR A MOMENT, TOO SHOCKED TO
BELIEVE WHAT THEY JUST HEARD. THEN:)

                  LES

(HEADING FOR THE EXIT)

          I'll have an assorted.

                  NANCY

(FOLLOWING HIM)

           Turkey.

                  HERB

(FOLLOWING HER)

           Meatball and a root beer for me.

(AND THE REST FOLLOW OUT THE DOOR AS WE:)

CUT TO:

                            MAIN TITLES

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Stay tuned --  more to come in the near future!


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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon

Let's See The Oscars Top This!!!

Didn't get to see much of this year's Oscar telecast or the red carpet nonsense, but it didn't really matter because here in Rochester, NY, the awards season has also hit fever pitch (Why not? Kodak, which is headquartered here, is rapidly going down the tubes, so there isn't much else to get excited about.), culminating with the pinnacle of awards events. I'm referring, of course, to -- you guessed it -- Miss Biddle's Annual Second Grade Elementary School Awards...

Each year seems to bring some new surprises, and 2012 was no exception. This year's race was probably the closest ever in the "Outstanding Achievement in seeing who can go the longest without crying for no apparent reason" category. This year, little Tiffany Gottlieb just eked out the win over Tracy O'Malley by a teardrop.... Her record was a seemingly superhuman two hours, 42 and a half minutes... Unfortunately, during her acceptance speech she completely broke down, thus forcing the judges to nearly pull the award when they began to  reconsider whether or not she actually deserved it in the first place.

In another highly-visible competition this year, Little Billy Ives ran away with the honors in the "No pulling his female classmates' pigtails" category. Of course, we'll see how well he's able to maintain his sense of self-control and will power in a few years when he gets to seventh grade and is up for the "No pulling his female classmates bra straps" award.

On a sad note, everyone paused for a moment of silence to remember Whitney... No, not Whitney Houston; Whitney, the class's pet goldfish who accidentally got flushed when they were changing the water in the aquarium a couple of weeks ago.

One final thing: the awards weren't as well attended this year by outsiders as in the past. With the new security measures that have been put in place at the school, a lot of grandparents were turned away at the door when their artificial hips set off the metal detectors.

At any rate, a good time was had by all, and when it was over everyone, winners and losers alike, let down their hair and set down their backpacks at The Principal's Ball at Chuck E. Cheese... And in the words of Miss Biddle (as she coincidentally also tells those who don't make it into the third grade): "Thanks for coming! See you next year!"

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon

Hey Regis, How's That Retirement Thing Working Out For You?

This weekend marks three monhs since that icon of daytime TV, Regis Philbin, left LIVE WITH REGIS AND KELLY, and left us all (hopefully as far as he was concerned) begging for more.

Well, like anyone who has left a longstanding job and is finally settling in for some time off during those golden years,  I got to wondering how ol' Reege might be making out.  You may recall when he left that he never said he was retiring -- only that he was leaving the show and  would be back with another project -- or two -- or none.

But just as we saw happen  with Johnny Carson,  there's been nary a sign of our  beloved Irish Italian TV personality since that fateful day in November, when Regis' TV career suffered the same fate as our Thanksgiving turkeys would the following week.  So  I got to wondering how things were going for him since then, and thanks to some "inside" info (inside my head), I found out the following which I think is important to relate to any Regis fans out there:

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... It started about a week or so later after  the big finale.  Oh, sure, he believed that he was going to be fine and there wouldn't be any problem making the  big adjustment to staying home all day with nothing more important to do than fill out the NY Times crossword puzzle and try to figure out how the remote control for the TV works... But then came the late night insomnia, the long walks during the wee small hours of the morning, padding around the dark halls and corridors of his apartment, clad oly in a loose-fitting robe and slippers (or less) looking at the pictures, honors and awards hanging there on the walls and talking to the portraits of Knute Rockne, Lou Holtz and Robert DeNiro (just as Nixon did in the White House during Watergate) -- hoping that somehow, some way, one of them would answer back... 

He stops in front of the portrait of Lou Holtz.

"Lou, I'm telling ya, I can't take it.  There's nobody to talk to, nobody to harrass, no one to make fun of!  Not even that damn wheel that I had installed that drops from the celing for me to spin whenever the phone rings is doing it for me!"... 

 He pads down the hallway and pauses for a moment in front of Knute.

"Knute, you're the greatest!  Tell me, what would it take for me to be the greatest again?... I mean when it came to daytime TV, I was it -- the tops!...  No one could tell a better silly story than me, no one could  bitch and complain about their family members better than me, no one could  do such a great job of making a total ass out of himself in front of millions of people on a daily basis than me!  I tell you I was The King at doing that stuff, baby, The King!"

On to DeNiro. 

"Bobby, you gotta tell me -- what do I have to do to get back on TV again?  I mean one shot on Rachael Ray since I left?  That's not gonna cut it for me, Bobby!  This boy needs some ACTION!... Letterman won't let me on...   I can't even get Kathie freakin' Lee to give me two measly minutes on that winefest that she and that Hoda or Yoda or whatever the hell her name is do every day!  And do you think that The Donald will return my calls? I mean, just one little shot on THE APPRENTICE for Godsakes!  What the hell do I have to do to get him to notice me again --  run for President?...  I tell you, I'm dyin' here, Bobby, I'm dyin'!  I gotta go back in that bedroom  now with nothing more to look forward to than spend the rest of the night lying there wide awake with the sound of Joy snoring directly into my EAR!  It's like listening to the ocean all night long -- and you know how afraid I am of water!"...

As daylight dawns, following his usual routine breakfast of dry toast, runny eggs and a glass of Benefiber, he's drawn into  what has now become an addictively habitual behavior. 

He picks up the phone, dials and waits for someone to answer.

..."Hello, Gelman?... It's me.... Whaddya mean, 'Who's me?'... It's REGIS!... Gelman, don't tell me you don't recognize my voice, Gelman!  It's only been three months... And after all those messages I left that you didn't respond to?....  Look, Gelman I'm asking you for the last time --  you've  got to  let me back on the show!... Yeah, well I don't care if you're considering  Josh Groban or George Clooney as cohost.  I don't care if you're considering Jesus Christ or Larry the freakin' Cable Guy  for Godsake!... Gelman, I can't take it any more!  I turn on the TV in the morning -- that is when I can figure out how to work the damn remote -- and  I'm not there!  All there is to watch is trash, Gelman, trash!  I'm telling you, who wants to see Snooki from The freakin' Jersey Shore preparing a dinner party on MARTHA STEWART,  or Joan Rivers making fun of what Elton John wore to last night's awards show?  Gelman, that's not TV, it's garbage!.... Tell me, Gelman, who was the real star on LIVE?  Who held that show together all those years?  Who went  to management and saved your sorry skinny ass more often than anyone will ever know?... Tha-a-at's right, Gelman!  It was me, baby, old Regis!...  I'm tellin' ya, Gelman, what America needs more than ever right now is THIS -- The King, baby -- The King!!... Hello?.... Hello?.... "


He  slowly puts the phone back down in its cradle as he realizes the inevitable has happened, and quietly sobbing to himself, mutters softly "Is this the freakin' end of Regis?"....


Hey, Reege, a word of advice:  Enjoy your money and your time.  And if you really need something to do that badly, Walmart is always looking for greeters.

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."


-- Thomas Pynchon