It's Eight O'Clock -- Do You Know Where Your Draft Picks Are?

Well, once again it's time for one of those occasions during the course of the year that every football fan waits for with anticipation and anxiety, wondering if their favorite team is going to  do something that can either make their hometown heroes an instant winner, or (Dare I even say it, Buffalo?) perhaps even a Super Bowl contender?

Yes, it's the NFL draft, a three day orgy of useless information, absurd predictions and phony drama so important to NFL stats freaks that if it was a Catholic feast, it'd be a holy day of obligation.  On the other hand, it's great to see some of these young men who've toiled on the fields of their alma maters for four (or three, or two) years get their big chance to realize a lifelong dream -- and you get the chance to see in how many different directions Mel Kiper Jr. can stretch his mouth muscles

But hold on.  Suddenly during the course of the names being called out and the players being picked off one by one, it becomes apparent that there are a few All Americans and bowl game MVPs who for some reason are being bypassed. And why is that? Simply that once the people from the 32 NFL teams start digging into the background of some of these players they decide that well, he might be good, but he's not the right fit for us. And what are these flaws they may have the sad fortune to possess? 

Well, that's where I come in.  Thanks to one of my inside sources at NFL Headquarters (the guy who empties the paper shredder three times a month), I've been given an inside look at what the GM of every team in the league is NOT looking for when deciding to draft a player. And so, for all you fanatics who will be glued to your TVs tomorrow night and wondering why your favorite sure-bet guy from Boise State didn't get picked, here are the:

TOP 10 CHARACTERISTICS YOU DON'T WANT IN A PLAYER YOU'RE DRAFTING

10.) Had a summer job wrestling alligators – is now known as “Lefty”

9.) In an amazing feat of strength, once lifted all 40 of his teammates' wallets

8.) If he's drafted by the Raiders, hopes their  move to Las Vegas won't adversely affect his gambling habit

7.) Thinks a pulled hamstring is a dish on the menu of the local BBQ joint

6.) Told NFL scouts that the only reason he wants to be drafted is so he can catch a photo op of himself sharing a man hug with Roger Goodell

5.) Once got suspended for trying to tackle the team bus  

4.) Turned down a football scholarship to Ohio State because he couldn't spell “Ohio”

3.) Wants to get drafted by Cleveland so he can spend all his free time getting high and wandering around the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame

2.) Can't wait for the chance to start dating Taylor Swift as soon as she dumps Travis Kelce

AND THE NUMBER ONE CHARACTERISTIC YOU DON'T WANT IN A PLAYER YOU'RE DRAFTING...

Thinks the Chargers are still in San Diego

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                     "Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon