Handling The Fox In The Hen House

The other day I posted a link on Facebook and Twitter of a video in which Fox & Friends' Steve Doocy (he's the goofy one that sits on the left of the couch) went out to do some "man on the street" interviews with folks regarding a proposed new law that would make it illegal for people to be looking at their cell phones while crossing the street.  And just like you would expect, as a Fox personality, he was pretty much completely shot down as you can tell by watching the video here.  Proud and typical New Yorkers all, they either rushed past him with barely a word or ignored him altogether. 

Which got me thinking:  What if Doocy had jut been a little more persistent and not let anyone get away before he made sure to get them to blurt out something just to help the segment move along?  The only thing that was missing was that the people he approached (accosted?) really had no snappy comeback to get him to back off, something that would not only insure that he didn't infringe on anyone's privacy but which would have probably provided some hilariously embarrassing moments for Fox. And so, I figured that the next time Rupert's news channel tries to stage a segment like this, it might be helpful for people to have some ready-made responses as they saw him coming, which would than send him off to try and catch some other poor unsuspecting soul (who hopefully read this column also).  So therefore, as a public service I'm presenting ...

TOP 10 THINGS TO SAY TO A FOX NEWS MAN ON THE STREET INTERVIEWER

10.) “So tell me, how's Bill O'Reilly these days?”

9.) “Pardon me, but do you mind if I relieve myself on your shoes while you ask your question?”

8.) “Sorry, can't stop. I'm meeting some Russians at Trump Tower in five minutes”

7.) “Take your stinking paws off me you damn dirty reporter!”

6.) “Boy, you really must work for Fox because that's about the dumbest question I've ever heard”

5.) “Is that a MAGA hat in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?”

4.) “Hey, I know you! You're Regis Philbin!”

3.) “Jeez, and I thought you were only this creepy on TV”

2.) “Hi, I'm Mike Pence's secret gay love child – damn glad to meet ya!”

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING TO SAY TO A FOX NEWS MAN ON THE STREET INTERVIEWER...

“Hey, your zipper's open – ha, made you look!”

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                     "Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon