The Brady Bluff

OK, so if you were in Vegas yesterday (or anywhere else where gambling is legal), you may have figured that sooner or later, it'd be even money that Tom Brady would reconsider retiring  -- and whether it's because of a deep personal insecurity, his kids keep pestering him to take them to Disney World or his generosity in maybe buying a relative that condo in Miami they always dreamed of, it's now official: he'll be back with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers  for the 2022 season, a fact I never doubted would happen. 

And why was I so sure about this news? Because I got the inside scoop from someone who knows all the Brady family secrets -- Gisele's pedicurist, Madame Le Foote. It seems that there is no single piece of juicy family info that Mrs. Brady doesn't eventually let slip down her legs to her  feet and ultimately between her toes. At any rate, here then for all you football fans, (pro- and anti-Brady alike) are the:

TOP 10 REASONS WHY TOM BRADY IS UNRETIRING

10.) WANTS TO SEE WHO WILL LAST LONGER – HIM OR QUEEN ELIZABETH

9.) IT'S GETTING EXPENSIVE TO BUY ALL THE RAW MEAT THAT HE HAS TO TOSS TO ROB GRONKOWSKI

8.) HOPES TO KEEP PLAYING LONG ENOUGH TO WIN 11 SUPER BOWL RINGS – 10 FOR THE FINGERS AND ONE FOR WHEREVER ELSE HE WANTS TO WEAR IT

7.) DONALD TRUMP PROMISED HIM A FREE WEEKEND AT MAR A LAGO IF HE PLAYS 10 MORE SEASONS

6.) IS EMBARRASSED BY THE FACT THAT WIFE GISELE CLAIMS HIM AS A RETIRED ELDERLY DEPENDENT ON HER TAX RETURN

5.) JUST SIGNED A CONTRACT TO ENDORSE AGE-DEFYING CHEWABLE GUMMY BEAR STEROIDS AND WANTS TO PROVE THEY WORK

4.) PAYING TO HAVE A BUNCH OF TOM BRADY FANS WILDLY CHEERING FOR HIM IN EVERY ROOM OF HIS HOUSE IS JUST GETTING TOO PRICEY

3.) HAVING TO SIT AT HOME ALL DAY BINGE WATCHING EPISODES OF “DR. PIMPLE POPPER” IS MAKING HIM STIR CRAZY

2.) JUST CAN'T RESIST THE URGE TO KEEP TRYING TO DEFLATE HIS BALLS

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY TOM BRADY IS UNRETIRING...

BRETT FAVRE TOLD HIM THAT IF YOU ONLY RETIRE ONCE, NO ONE WILL NOTICE

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

  -- Thomas Pynchon