A Memorial Day To Forget?

Memorial Day 2022. We all had such high hopes for this year that everything would turn around and we could look forward to our country getting back on the right path. After all, that's the way it always works out here in the USA, right?

Well, sadly maybe not -- at least not this year. With all the confusion, violence, misinformation, legal and political tussles and the cost of everything going sky high, it's no wonder we look upon our holidays this year with a certain degree of fear and trepidation. However, it's my intention to help try and cheer you up by letting you know that if none of the following things happen (or at least most of none of the following things), you've survived to celebrate another day. And so, dear friends, here are the...

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE HAVING A BAD MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND

10.) AN ANGRY MOB JUST SHOWED UP AT YOUR FRONT DOOR AND TOLD YOU “WE'RE PRETENDING IT'S JANUARY 6 AND YOUR HOUSE IS THE CAPITOL”

9.) YOU HAD TO TAKE OUT A SECOND MORTGAGE IN ORDER TO BUY THAT RACK OF RIBS FOR YOUR COOKOUT ON MONDAY

8.) YOUR NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOR JUST SENT HIS KIDS OVER TO SIPHON GASOLINE OUT OF YOUR TOYOTA HYBRID

7.) YOU'RE LESS WORRIED ABOUT RAIN SPOILING YOUR WEEKEND THAN YOU ARE ABOUT YOUR PARTY TENT BEING BROUGHT DOWN BY A COUPLE OF RUSSIAN MISSILES 

6.) YOUR TOWN'S MEMORIAL DAY PARADE THIS YEAR CONSISTS ENTIRELY OF FIRST RESPONDERS PASSING OUT COVID HOME TESTS

5.) DUE TO BUDGET CUTS, THAT FLYOVER BY THE BLUE ANGELS DURING YOUR TOWN'S MEMORIAL DAY SERVICES WAS CANCELLED AND REPLACED BY ONE GUY DOING ACROBATICS ON A BIPLANE

4.) YOU WENT TO THE STORE TO PICK UP A BAG OF CHARCOAL AND WERE TRAMPLED BY A BUNCH OF NEW MOTHERS WHO HEARD THAT A SHIPMENT OF BABY FORMULA JUST ARRIVED

3.) THANKS TO INFLATION, THAT $39 MATTRESS YOU PLANNED ON BUYING HAS SHOT UP TO $598

2.) AT THE FAMILY PICNIC, YOU ACCIDENTALLY MENTION YOUR UNCLE WHO FLED TO CANADA DURING THE VIETNAM WAR

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING THAT WILL COMPLETELY RUIN YOUR MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND (AND DESERVEDLY SO)...

THE NRA JUST VOTED YOU ITS "MAN OF THE YEAR"

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

  -- Thomas Pynchon

The Brady Bluff

OK, so if you were in Vegas yesterday (or anywhere else where gambling is legal), you may have figured that sooner or later, it'd be even money that Tom Brady would reconsider retiring  -- and whether it's because of a deep personal insecurity, his kids keep pestering him to take them to Disney World or his generosity in maybe buying a relative that condo in Miami they always dreamed of, it's now official: he'll be back with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers  for the 2022 season, a fact I never doubted would happen. 

And why was I so sure about this news? Because I got the inside scoop from someone who knows all the Brady family secrets -- Gisele's pedicurist, Madame Le Foote. It seems that there is no single piece of juicy family info that Mrs. Brady doesn't eventually let slip down her legs to her  feet and ultimately between her toes. At any rate, here then for all you football fans, (pro- and anti-Brady alike) are the:

TOP 10 REASONS WHY TOM BRADY IS UNRETIRING

10.) WANTS TO SEE WHO WILL LAST LONGER – HIM OR QUEEN ELIZABETH

9.) IT'S GETTING EXPENSIVE TO BUY ALL THE RAW MEAT THAT HE HAS TO TOSS TO ROB GRONKOWSKI

8.) HOPES TO KEEP PLAYING LONG ENOUGH TO WIN 11 SUPER BOWL RINGS – 10 FOR THE FINGERS AND ONE FOR WHEREVER ELSE HE WANTS TO WEAR IT

7.) DONALD TRUMP PROMISED HIM A FREE WEEKEND AT MAR A LAGO IF HE PLAYS 10 MORE SEASONS

6.) IS EMBARRASSED BY THE FACT THAT WIFE GISELE CLAIMS HIM AS A RETIRED ELDERLY DEPENDENT ON HER TAX RETURN

5.) JUST SIGNED A CONTRACT TO ENDORSE AGE-DEFYING CHEWABLE GUMMY BEAR STEROIDS AND WANTS TO PROVE THEY WORK

4.) PAYING TO HAVE A BUNCH OF TOM BRADY FANS WILDLY CHEERING FOR HIM IN EVERY ROOM OF HIS HOUSE IS JUST GETTING TOO PRICEY

3.) HAVING TO SIT AT HOME ALL DAY BINGE WATCHING EPISODES OF “DR. PIMPLE POPPER” IS MAKING HIM STIR CRAZY

2.) JUST CAN'T RESIST THE URGE TO KEEP TRYING TO DEFLATE HIS BALLS

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY TOM BRADY IS UNRETIRING...

BRETT FAVRE TOLD HIM THAT IF YOU ONLY RETIRE ONCE, NO ONE WILL NOTICE

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

  -- Thomas Pynchon

Super Blahs

Ah, it's finally here. Super Bowl LVI. (56 for those of you who skipped out on Latin class in high school.) And regardless of whether it's at some corner sports bar where everybody knows your name or in an elegant penthouse suite somewhere in the stratosphere where you're mingling with the mighty, rich and famous, you're ready to make the most of the day, from your online parlays to hopefully cheering for your favorite team who's made it this far. Nothing can go wrong.

Or can it?  Once you show up at your Super Soiree, it should soon become apparent from what's going on around you that you're not going to have the fun evening you expected to have. Little things will start to happen that let you know that this is not the evening of raucous fun, team spirit and raw energy you were planning on indulging in. And so, to prepare you for that  possibility and give you some clues as to where the evening may be headed, I'm offering the:

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE AT A BAD SUPER BOWL PARTY

10.) The Buffalo wings still have all their feathers attached

9.) First prize in the party's Super Bowl pool is a year's supply of Ivermectin 

8.) Miley Cyrus' top just fell off into the guacamole dip

7) Donald Trump is wandering around muttering “It's rigged, we all know it's rigged” and you don't know whether he's talking about the game or still talking about the election

6.) A Buffalo Bills fan just jumped on the buffet table, smashing it to pieces

5.) Someone keeps switching the big-screen TV over to NBC Peacock to watch the Olympic pairs ice dancing competition

4.) People start leaving to head for what they hear is a really good Super Bowl party at Denny's

3.) Snoop Dogg stops by before the halftime show to do a joint, filling the room with smoke and causing everyone to get so high that they completely forget why they're partying

2.) Matt Gaetz suggests that you and he cut out early and go looking for some underaged cheerleaders

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'RE AT A BAD SUPER BOWL PARTY

Tom Brady is trying to deflate the cheese balls

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

  -- Thomas Pynchon

Holiday Cybershopping -- I'll Pass (2021 Edition)

Some years back, I wrote about how my reaction to going out and performing my gift-buying duties generally stirs up some creative juices in me and gets me writing about such things. But as I thought it over, I realized the fear of actually heading out  to real stores and purchasing something is far less in my mind than the horror of going online and divulging all your personal info to complete strangers so someone in Mountain View, CA (or maybe India -- or the Philippines) can end up having a good laugh at your expense knowing you're buying Grandma a new commode with a padded toilet seat for Christmas.

And while I know that it supposed to save us all hours of running around from one mall to another, exhausting our energy and emptying our wallets and gas tanks in less time than it takes Donald Trump to insult a half dozen ethnicities,  once you think about it, cyber shopping presents a whole new set of hazards and issues to deal with which should put you off from even touching the keyboard on your iPad 6. And as a result, if you're anything like me, you'll probably wait until 5:50 pm on Dec. 24 to start your trek, anxiously plotting out a route on your GPS,  knowing your family will be OK with the usual assortment of thoughtful gifts that they'll find beneath the tree the next morning which you've so carefully and discriminatingly
selected at the only gas station/minimart you could find that's still open: lottery scratch-off tickets, bags of stale beef jerky and Cheetos, and a half empty 12-pack of Coors Light.

On the other hand, for those of you who dare take that step into cyberspace to accomplish your task, you might want to watch out for these pitfalls:

TOP 10 REASONS TO AVOID HOLIDAY CYBER SHOPPING

10.) You start cybershopping in your underwear, and a message pops up on your screen that says "I can see you shopping in your underwear"

9.) The Amazon driver keeps tossing your packages on your roof

8.) You ordered a 46" flat screen Hi Def TV with Digital Surround Sound and 3D Picture. What shows up at your door is a 26" Schwinn 3-speed with a broken chain and no seat

7.) You think you got the deal of a lifetime by saving $200 on a final sale laptop only to find out that it'll be $100 less at BestBuy on December 26

6.) The Amazon driver keeps tossing your packages on your neighbor's roof

5.) After the website you're trying to order from has crashed for the eighth time in 10 minutes you call their 800 number to hear: "Thank you for calling our customer service hotline. Your time is valuable to us. Please stay on the line and a customer service rep will assist you as soon as possible.  The current estimated waiting time is two and a half days."

4.) Turns out that auction site that you were buying all your stuff from is run by the Russians

3.) The Amazon driver leaves one of your packages on the roof of your car. When you get home, the package is there but the car's been stolen

2.) That annoying kid down the street who keeps hacking into your WiFi is threatening you with blackmail because he knows about the sex toys you ordered

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON TO AVOID HOLIDAY CYBERSHOPPING...

Every time a shopping mall cash register bell rings, another Victoria's Secret Angel gets her wings


Happy Virtual Holidays, Everyone!

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

  

-- Thomas Pynchon

Thanks -- But No Thanks

OK, for starters, a word of full disclosure: I do a pretty good job of cooking a turkey on Thanksgiving.(see the pic at right of 2017's achievement).  But at one time when I was first trying it on my own, I'd usually end up with something that left me running to the local grocer for a Swift's Premium turkey roll.  However, by trial and error, I got better and also picked up a few tricks and short cuts along the way.

However, there are situations  these days where some of you may not be so fortunate to have an expert preparer, and for whatever reason -- necessity, convenience, or just plain ego -- the task of cooking this year's meal has fallen into the lap of someone -- and usually it's a guy -- who probably thinks turkeys are packed in mesh netting to keep them from escaping, but what the hell, he's watched Rachael Ray do it a couple of times so it can't be that hard  -- and yet for better or worse, the task of cooking the most important meal of the year by him leaves us all with a feeling of dread, trepidation and potential food poisoning.

How can you tell he doesn't know what he's doing? Well, it should soon become pretty apparent -- but just  in case you're not sure, I've put together a list of:

TOP 10 SIGNS AN INEXPERIENCED MAN IS COOKING YOUR THANKSGIVING DINNER

10.) The gravy tastes like beer

9.)  Every five minutes you hear an explosion coming from the kitchen

8.)  The stuffing consists of stale raisin bread, Rice-A-Roni, dry mashed potato mix, dog biscuits, beef jerky, frozen lima beans and something unidentifiable that's been in the refrigerator for months

7.)  That stainless steel roasting pan you paid $100 for just to cook a turkey in he's using as a tub for all the dirty cooking utensils

6.)  Times the meal so that he can serve it during the 7 1/2 minute break between the end of Lions' game and the start of the Cowboys'

5.)  The directions say to use a dry rub on the turkey so he covers it with talcum powder

 4.)  You keep finding pieces of raw giblets in the candied yams

3.)  After he makes 30 phone calls to them in the last two hours from your home phone, the 1-800-BUTTERBALL hotline permanently blocks your number

2,)  He feebly tries to justify the bird coming out of the oven that's nearly  burned to a crisp by saying “I thought everyone agreed that black turkeys matter”

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN AN INEXPERIENCED MAN IS COOKING YOUR THANKSGIVING DINNER...

        He tells the family “Hey guys, let's go to Denny's for Thanksgiving!”

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon

Halloween 2021: What to Wear, What to Wear

 

Well, friends, it seems that we can finally start to breathe a bit more easily again (unless that is, you live in certain parts of Florida or Texas), because the bondage we've all been suffering under due to the COVID situation is starting to ease up. So this year, we'll be able to let off a little steam with  Halloween costume parties and maybe some trick or treating.  

But since  the last two years have also seemingly brought with them  a whole new host of frightening creatures and characters, it only seems right that this year's best ghost and goblin costumes should reflect that assortment of misfits and deviants; and  I've got it on reliable authority (the guy that empties the dumpsters at my local Party City) of just what are the hot ticket items this year. So whether you're  going to a party, doing some door to door trick or treating, or just greeting kids on your porch while wearing a costume that is guaranteed to scare the bejeezus out of them, here are my recommendations for the:

 TOP TEN SCARIEST HALLOWEEN COSTUMES FOR 2021

10.) Prom Night Matt

9.) Coffin Tester Mitch

8.) Phantom Of The Adult Book Store

7.)  Eric And Junior, The Two-headed Monster

6.) Apocalypse Kim

5.) Texas Grid Chainsaw Ted 

4.) Andy the Overly Friendly Ghost

3.) Dumpster Demon Steve

2.) Mind Control Mark

AND THE NUMBER ONE SCARIEST HALLOWEEN COSTUME FOR 2021...

Tucker The TV Terrorist








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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."


-- Thomas Pynchon

Donny, We Hardly Could Stand Ye

It's hard to believe, but it's only one day away now.  After four long years, what seems to be a nightmare for many of us is finally coming to an end, and Joe Biden and Kamala Harris will take their oaths of office tomorrow at noon.

But what about Donald? As he makes his last climb up the stairs aboard Air Force One (see photo), what does he have planned for his future now that he'll have a lot of time on his hands?  Oh sure, you'll probably say he'll be playing a lot of golf, traveling around the world or partying with porn stars and Scott Baio. But I happen to know via a reliable source (the assistant to the assistant to the pool boy at Mar a Lago) how he's really planning on using all that available life of leisure.  And so, as a public service, here are the ...

TOP 10 THINGS TRUMP MIGHT DECIDE TO DO NOW THAT HE'S OUT OF OFFICE

10.) Release his health care plan

9.) Buy Greenland (if the Russians will give him a loan)

8.) Join a 12-Step group: P***ygrabbers Anonymous

7.) Start a new business called “Pardons 'R' Us”

6.) Make a once a week visit to the Donald J. Trump Memorial KFC

5.) Try to find Eric an orthodontist and a girlfriend

4.) Claim Rudy Giuliani found millions of uncounted votes for him stashed in an adult bookstore in Philadelphia

3.) Make incessant phone calls to Joe Biden asking him if he'd like any advice on running the country

2.) Divorce Melania, marry Ivanka

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING TRUMP MIGHT DECIDE TO DO NOW THAT HE'S OUT OF OFFICE...

Take a part-time job working the assembly line at the My Pillow factory

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon