When (Bloodshot) Irish Eyes Are Smiling

As we look ahead to this weekend and all the revelry, debauchery and memory loss due to over-consumption of Gaelic spirits, one of the things we can thank the Irish for is that no matter how bleak or desperate their situation may be, they somehow manage to maintain their hopes of expectation; and call it what you will (the luck o' the Irish, positive thinking, or just waiting for Election Day November 2020), the Irish never stop believing that someday they'll find that pot of gold.  

However, for those of you who haven't yet had the time or the chance to look for that four-leaf clover (or maybe even that three-leaf plant -- a "pot" of another kind so to speak) that can start you on your journey, it might help to get a few clues as to when you've been suddenly blessed by the magic of old Eire. And so without further delay, I offer you the...

TOP 10 SIGNS THE LUCK O' THE IRISH IS WITH YOU

10.) In the last six months, you resigned as Roger Stone's: a. attorney/ b. publicist/ c. tattoo artist

9.) You're not on the list of 81 names that Congress wants to interview about Trump's business dealings

8.) You were finally able to figure out what all the crap that comes with your Peloton stationary bike is for

7.) You get a letter from Hyundai/Kia that says “Congratulations! You don't own a model that catches fire”

6.) You were able to hire Ann Coulter as a banshee to haunt your uncle's wake

5.) You're a gay black Muslim Honduran woman and yet Tucker Carlson has only nice things to say about you

4.) Brett Kavanaugh never showed up at your party so there's plenty of Guinness for everyone

3.) Your long stretch of unemployment is over – Kiim Jong Un just hired you to help rebuild his nuclear facility

2.) That massage parlor you went to in Jupiter, Florida turned out to really be a legitimate massage parlor

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN THE LUCK O' THE IRISH IS WITH YOU...

Trump just issued a proclamation designating March 17^th as “St. Patrick's Day!”

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                     "Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon

It Only Hurts When My Heart Beats

During the long dark days of winter there are only a few times which can raise our spirits: New Year's Day, Super Bowl Sunday (except for non-Patriots fans), the federal holidays and of course, the day made for love and romance, Valentine's Day.  How nice to take a break from the dampness, the bleakness, the short days and long dreary nights to renew -- or begin -- something that can hopefully keep you emotionally warm throughout the rest of the season.

But hold on a second. While the day may seem full of promise and overflowing with bliss to the naive and unsuspecting, those of us who have been visited by the ghosts of Valentine's Days past know that those particular 24 hours don't always turn out the way your fantasies planned.  And so, as a service for those of you who are walking into this day with your eyes wide open (and so you don't make the same mistakes next year), I present...

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE HAVING A BAD VALENTINE'S DAY

10.) Your inflatable rubber doll springs a leak

9.) On this special night, just as you're about to propose to your sweetheart, your Skype service crashes

8.) You can't treat your paramour to a special romantic Valentine's Day meal because Denny's ran out of eggs for their Grand Slam Breakfasts

7.) The gold jewelry you gave your honey turns green within 30 minutes of it being exposed to air

6.) That romantic evening you planned at home is interrupted by the neighbors coming over and asking if you'd be interested in swapping wives

5.) Still waiting for Budweiser to come out with a chocolate covered strawberry-flavored beer

4.) You open the door to the romantic lovers' suite you reserved at the Trump International Hotel to find it occupied by a group of Saudi diplomats

3.) 1-800Flowers screws up your order and sends your floral arrangement to a funeral home with card attached that says “From Your Secret Mushy Wushy Lover – Have A Wonderful Day!”

2.) You just realized your best bet for having a date tonight is by logging on to BoyAmILonely.com

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'RE HAVING A BAD VALENTINE'S DAY...

Threat of another government shutdown – Valentine's Day cancelled

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                     "Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon

State Of Disunion

Where to speak, where to speak?

With Nancy Pelosi putting the locks on the doors of the House of Representatives until the government reopens, Donald Trump now has a real quandary. If he feels so strongly about delivering his State of the Union address somewhere -- ANYwhere -- this must be a difficult time for him to make up his mind on when, where and how he is going to tell the American public that the state of union is strong; the state of Trump, not so much.

But fear not! Via one of my sources (the cleaning lady who has to go around picking up Eric and Donald Jr.'s candy wrappers after they dump them anywhere they want in the East Room -- while she's not getting paid, mind you) I've discovered that The Donald has come up with several options of places where he can try and get his message across.  And so dear readers, I now present to you...

TOP 10 PLACES FROM WHERE DONALD TRUMP MIGHT DELIVER HIS STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS

10.) Area 51

9.) The dressing room of the Miss Teenage America pageant

8.) A Covington Catholic High School ethics class

7.) The ACCESS HOLLYWOOD tour bus

6.) The McDonald's nearest the Clemson University football stadium

5.) Sitting on Mitch McConnell's chin

4.) Pyongyang, North Korea

3.) While performing with Maroon 5 at the Super Bowl

2.) The luxury hooker suite at the Moscow Ritz Carlton

AND THE NUMBER ONE PLACE FROM WHERE DONALD TRUMP MIGHT DELIVER HIS STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS...

Due to the shutdown: Any available Smithsonian museum

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                     "Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon

Happy -- What Are We Celebrating Again?

As weirded out as this year turned out to be politically, socially and in pretty much every other "-ly" you can think of, you'd hope that maybe at least the end of the year and the start of a new one would at least offer a little sanity; and that's what we all wish for: a fresh start,  a new hope, a bright beginning combined with some peace, common sense and a little relaxation from the daily headlines and nonsense we've all been subjected to in 2018.

But wait a minute. The same characters are still going to be around in 2019 and we'll be confronted with pretty much all the same problems, issues and politics we've had to deal with last 12 months; and if last year's events  are any kind of a foreshadowing, your New Year's Eve festivities might just continue along the same themes that made 2018 such a kaleidoscope of craziness. So just to say "I warned you" as you head into the next 365 days, you might want to keep the following in mind when preparing for your celebration Monday night...

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE HAVING A BAD NEW YEAR'S EVE

10.) You're the only one at the Mar a Lago party who doesn't speak Russian

9.) Just as the ball in Times Square is about to hit midnight, an electrical transformer in Queens blows up

8.) While leaving the Supreme Court New Year's get-together. you have to step over the inebriated unconscious hulk of Brett Kavanaugh

7.) Instead of getting you tickets to a special New Year's Eve performance of “Hamilton” as he promised, all your buddy could come up with were two tickets to “Benedict Arnold: The Musical”

6.) Les Moonves invites you to his private after-party

5.) Your next door neighbor picks tonight to come after you with a pitchfork because she thinks you burned down her She Shed

4.) You're forced to wish your friends Paul Manafort and Bill Cosby a Happy New Year through a glass partition

3.) At midnight, the Korean clock you were given for Christmas chimes out “Kim Jong Un”

2.) You'd rather be at a Kathie Lee/Hoda drunkfest watching them vomit their brains out 

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'RE HAVING A BAD NEW YEAR'S EVE

Government shutdown -- 2019 cancelled

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                     "Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon

"Dear Santa Claus, This Is The Best Letter You'll Ever Receive"

Yes friends, just like Chris Cuomo, I hold in my possession what could certainly be the "smocking" gun in the Trump investigation -- or at least the thing that will  keep St. Nick from paying  him a visit ever again.  But since presidents also have needs, let's offer a little sympathy to Donald Trump since he believes he  really tried hard this year in the hopes that Santa will be coming down one of the 12 chimneys and not be scared to death by one of Sarah Sanders' "I'm talking to YOU, Jim Acosta" facial expressions; and so, I present to you Donald's letter to Santa...

Dec. 20, 2 A.T. (Anno Trump)

3:45 am

Dear Santa,

I wanted to send you my Christmas letter before – well, before I can't use the White House postal service any longer. Just wanted to let you know that I've been an especially good president this year, really almost perfect – in fact people are coming up to me and telling me that I'm the most perfect president in history! (Besides, I don't want to keep being haunted by the ghosts of Christmas Future: Pelosi, Schumer and you-know-who.) Some of the good things I've done this year:

• Helped some struggling actresses in a certain segment of the film industry by paying them to keep quiet about me paying them;
• Restricted my tweeting to the hours between 6:00 am and the following 6:00 am;
• Stopped calling Lying Ted Cruz Lying Ted Cruz;

And many, many other things. So I hope you'll take that all into consideration. And by the way, as far as I'm concerned, you can skip stopping at those sh**hole countries in Africa, and South America. You'll be able to deliver my stuff sooner. (And while you're at it, you may as well skip Canada and Europe too.)

Therefore here is a list of what I want for Christmas:

1.Someone joining my administration for longer than six months, or until they're indicted, whichever comes first

2.My own private island in the Caribbean, (just in case that for some reason I may have to leave in a hurry)

3.A year's supply of McDonald's Quarter Pounders with cheese, because at McDonald's, they do it all for you (just like those Russian hookers)

4. A year's supply of Kentucky Fried Chicken, because it's finger lickin' good (just like those Russian hookers)

5.A new personality for my son Eric --- and while you're at it, you might as well throw one in for Mike Pence too -- he's more boring than being in a Moscow hotel room on a Sunday night)

6. A new brain for Rudy Giuliani – to keep him from sinking me deeper in doodoo every time he opens his mouth

7.And finally, I wouldn't mind so badly if you had a couple of your reindeer do a tap dance on Robert Mueller's chest, just to make sure he gets the message.

So in closing, Santa, I just want to say that I think we can come to some sort of arrangement on all this since I know better than anyone else in the world how to make a deal – and because if we don't, I can always slap a big fat tariff on that bag of toys, or better yet, build a wall around the North Pole – and have the elves pay for it (because the Mexicans probably won't).

Regards,

Donald J. Trump, President (of the USA -- MAGA)

PS. And just in case you decide to leave coal in my stocking instead of a porn star, make sure it's clean coal

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                     "Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon

A-Haunting We Will Go

Ah, yes -- All Hallows Eve. The one day out of the year (besides maybe St. Patrick's day) when we can all dress like kids do and make total asses out of ourselves and get enjoyably and thoroughly drunk in the process.  

But hold on just a second.  What if October 31 takes an unexpected bad turn and things start to happen that ruin your fun and merriment? Kind of puts a damper on everything; your partying, your Trick or Treating, your T-P-ing your neighbor's house and shrubbery... So just to  make sure you know all the warning signs of what may turn out to be a hollow holiday, here are the...

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE HAVING A BAD HALLOWEEN

10.) You just found out this year's hit party game is “Boofing for Apples”

9.) You arrive at a party dressed as Donald Trump's tax returns. You leave the party stuffed in a paper shredder

8.) Barack and Michelle Obama arrive at your front door for your party and someone calls the police to report two black people breaking into your house

7.) You go to rent a costume and find the only three left are Brett Kavanaugh, Chuck Grassley, and Lindsey Graham in a feather tutu

6.) You just rang the doorbell at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. dressed as Jeff Sessions when you get a presidential alert on your cell phone that says “Go Away”

5.) You just learned you're the guest of honor at the Saudi consulate's pumpkin carving party

4.) You have to break up a fight between Eric and Donald Jr. who are arguing over which one of them should go out dressed as Hoda and which one as Kathie Lee

3.) You stop at Bill Cosby's house and see a sign on the door that says “SORRY, NOT HOME FOR THE NEXT 3 TO 10 HALLOWEENS”

2.) You booked Stormy Daniels to jump out out of a giant pumpkin at your party. What showed up was Sara Sanders climbing out of a septic tank

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'RE HAVING A BAD HALLOWEEN...

Megyn Kelly shows up at your front door in blackface

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                     "Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon

Quick, Take My Temperature! I've Got Lottery Fever!

Well, tonight should hopefully be a big night for someone --  and I'm not just referring to any fans of the Red Sox or the Dodgers.  I'm referring of course to  to the $1.6 Billion jackpot that the Mega Millions Lottery has shot up to; and just like we all dream of what we could do with those kinds of riches,  we also have to come back down to earth and face the reality of any of us ever winning such a prize. Because, since the odds of winning are are about 300 million to one (or roughly the equivalent of a New York city real estate mogul with no political experience being elected president -- but I digress), we should early on start looking for clues that today just isn't our lucky day. So in order to soften the pain of losing a little bit, I present the...

TOP 10 SIGNS THAT YOU PROBABLY WON'T WIN THE LOTTERY

10.) Your brother-in-law who hasn't put in an honest day's work in over 20 years, suggests you go 50/50 with him on a ticket

9.) The line of people at your local convenience store waiting to buy tickets is longer than the line waiting to pass through security at LAX

8.) Everyone in your office pool kicks in a couple of bucks and the the money is turned over to the guy who's suspected of stealing lunches out of the fridge

7.) You just developed a new software program which will guarantee that you win when your cat walks across your keyboard and crashes your computer

6.) You had the Buffalo Bills' offensive coordinator pick your numbers for you

5.) You get an email from a Nigerian princess saying she has the winning numbers and will share them with you– all she needs is your banking information

4.) Your financial advisor convinces you to take the $500 you were going to spend on lottery tickets and use it to buy stock in Sears & Roebuck

3.) Just as you're about to pay for a ticket, you're struck by lightning

2.) You discover you have the winning numbers just as Donald Trump announces that he is voiding the results because ”millions of illegals are crossing the border to buy lottery tickets”

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN THAT YOU PROBABLY WON'T WIN THE LOTTERY...

You didn't bother to buy a ticket because nobody you know ever wins those damn things

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                     "Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon