"I Now Pronounce This Training Camp Open!"

 Well, here it is -- the week all true NFL fans have been waiting for, the week that NFL training camps open; several this week for rookie reports and the rest of the league next week. And just like Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade marks the start of the Christmas shopping season, we can all now start ticking off the days until the official season -- the REAL football season starts, except instead of a parade we now get 330 pound linemen lumbering on to the practice fields with a rumble that'll set off the seismometers at Cal Tech. That's right, folks -- no more suffering through any XFL, USFL or any other junior league games. This is the real deal.  

But wait.  How do we know how our favorite team is going to do this year? Well, if you listen to the daily press briefings by the team's head coach, it might give you an inkling of expectations. However, because even the best of coaches can occasionally commit a faux pas on both the gridiron and in the pressroom, there are things you might hear them let slip in answering a question here and there  that wasn't meant for public consumption. So, as an aid to help you read between the sidelines so to speak during moments like these, here are my...

TOP 10 THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR YOUR FAVORITE TEAM'S HEAD COACH SAY DURING TRAINING CAMP

10.) “I know a 3 and 14 season last year wasn't what we expected, but it sure beat the 1 and 16 season we actually ended up with”

9.) “What are our plans for utilizing our number one draft choice? Well, our first plan is to convince him to show up”

8.) “Free agents? We don't need no stinking free agents!”

7.) “I can say for a fact that we had every intention of trading for Stefon Diggs – right up until the moment we found out our equipment manager fled to Mexico with our bonus money”

6.) “This season, so that we play our best football during the third and fourth quarters, I'm limiting all halftime conjugal visits to10 minutes each”

5.) “This year, in order to keep any other team from stealing our offensive schemes, we'll be sending our plays in via mental telepathy”

4.) “This season, when that scoreboard clock strikes zero, I want to be convinced that we've left most of it on the field”

3.) “In the unforgettable words of the great Vince Lombardi. winning isn't everything, something, something, something...”

2.) “We plan on definitely being more focused this season, so this year I've decided to – squirrel!”

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING YOU DON'T WAN'T TO HEAR YOUR FAVORITE TEAM'S HEAD COACH SAY DURING TRAINING CAMP...

"I just found out that our entire offensive line plans to transition to being women -- and our GM told me to deal with it"

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

  -- Thomas Pynchon

Giving Thanks (Or Maybe Not)

So we've finally come around another year to Thanksgiving 2023, and everything seems to be on an upward trend. The economy is good, with major strikes settled people are working again and we've got more to be grateful for this year than we have in quite some time. It's all sunshine, candied yams and rainbows (with a side of chestnut dressing).

But wait just a second. That sunshine can suddenly be obscured by a dark cloud if something unexpected should happen on this special day of joy and thanks; and while it might not ruin the celebration, it can make you feel  just uneasy enough that you start thinking, "Well, maybe I'll have to wait until next year for the perfect Thanksgiving." And so, as an advance warning about some of the things that may give you a migraine on Thursday,  here's  a heads up on the...

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE HAVING A BAD THANKSGIVING

10.) A judge just fined you $25,000 for violating your gag order and badmouthing his chef

9.) That big screen TV you ordered through Amazon Prime and have been waiting the whole week for shows up just in time for you to miss watching all three Thanksgiving Day football games

8.) Rudy Giuliani offers to brush the turkey with some hair dye “just to give it a little bit more color”

7.) A family of out of town relatives drives over the river and through the woods and straight through your high tech newly remodeled kitchen

6.) Ron DeSantis asks you if you have any old phone books he can put on his chair so when he sits in it, he can see over the top of the table

5.) You're at the Republican Presidential Candidate Thanksgiving dinner where Vivek Ramaswamy keeps accusing Nikki Haley's daughter of taking too much time with the green bean casserole

4.) You decide to start your holiday shopping early by going online and a Chinese ransomware program locks your computer

3.) George Santos brings a turkey bloated with botox – and then asks you to pay for it

2.) You're forced to sit next to Lauren Boebert and she keeps groping your giblets under the table

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'RE HAVING A BAD THANKSGIVING...

Your MAGA Trump supporter uncle falls asleep during dinner, making this the most boring Thanksgiving ever

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

  -- Thomas Pynchon

The NFL In Merrie Old England

Well. football fans, after only two weeks into the season, we've already come to the part where things start to get a little weird; meaning basically that the NFL is making its annual pilgrimage back to Wembley Stadium in London in order to entice someone to perhaps decide to buy a franchise or relocate a team there.  This year, the victimized squad is once again the Jacksonville Jaguars who are not going to play only one, but TWO games there in consecutive weeks, the second being against the Buffalo Bills at the new Tottenham Stadium, which by the way is also in London. My main reaction to this is: Look out, Jaguars  season ticket fans, you may soon be paying thousands of dollars to watch your team play all its home games near the White Cliffs of Dover. 

However, it might be refreshing to see what kinds of changes may come to the game as a result of hopping the Atlantic, specifically in the form of how much more disciplined the game might be played and what kind of punishment might be incurred for different infractions. And so in both speculation and anticipation of what we may see at future NFL games played in London, I give you the...

TOP 10 PENALTIES WHEN THE NFL COMES TO ENGLAND

10.) Holding – 10 yards and sent to Harrod's Department Store without any charge cards

9.) Offside – 5 yards and being forced to eat a week's worth of jellied eels

8.) Ogling Kate Middleton as she and her boys enter the stadium – 15 yards and automatic beheading

7.) Roughing the passer -- 15 yards and an appointment with a British dentist

6.) Illegal formation -- 5 yards and being made to listen to denial excuses by Prince Andrew

5.) Not remembering to “Mind The Gap” – 5 yards and suspension of transfer privileges on the tube

4.) Defensive Pass Interference – 15 yards and offending player made to sing “Rule, Britannia!”

3.) Offensive pass Interference – Same thing, except he sings it backwards

2.) Refusing to acknowledge HRM King Charles as the true and rightful Monarch of The Realm – No penalty

AND THE NUMBER ONE PENALTY WHEN THE NFL COMES TO ENGLAND...

Calling the Referee “A Bloody Irish Dolt!” – 15 yards and a fortnight in the Tower

*************************************************************

  

"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

  -- Thomas Pynchon

"I Now Pronounce This Training Camp Open!"

Well, here it is -- the week all true NFL fans have been waiting for, the week that NFL training camps open; several this week for rookie reports and the rest of the league next week. And just like Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade marks the start of the Christmas shopping season, we can all now start ticking off the days until the official season -- the REAL football season starts, except instead of a parade we now get 330 pound linemen lumbering on to the practice fields with a rumble that'll set off the seismometers at Cal Tech. That's right, folks -- no more suffering through any XFL, USFL or any other junior league games. This is the real deal.  

But wait.  How do we know how our favorite team is going to do this year? Well, if you listen to the daily press briefings by the team's head coach, it might give you an inkling of expectations. However, because even the best of coaches can occasionally commit a faux pas on both the gridiron and in the pressroom, there are things you might hear them let slip in answering a question here and there  that wasn't meant for public consumption. So, as an aid to help you read between the sidelines so to speak during moments like these, here are my...

TOP 10 THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR YOUR FAVORITE TEAM'S HEAD COACH SAY DURING TRAINING CAMP

10.) “I know a 3 and 14 season last year wasn't what we expected, but it sure beat the 1 and 16 season we actually ended up with”

9.) “What are our plans for utilizing our number one draft choice? Well, our first plan is to convince him to show up”

8.) “Free agents? We don't need no stinking free agents!”

7.) “I can say for a fact that we had every intention of trading for Aaron Rodgers – right up until the moment we found out our equipment manager fled to Mexico with our bonus money”

6.) “This season, so that we play our best football during the third and fourth quarters, I'm limiting all halftime conjugal visits to10 minutes each”

5.) “This year, in order to keep Bill Belichick from stealing our offensive schemes, we'll be sending our plays in via mental telepathy”

4.) “This season, when that scoreboard clock strikes zero, I want to be convinced that we've left most of it on the field”

3.) “In the unforgettable words of the great Vince Lombardi. winning isn't everything, something, something, something...”

2.) “We plan on definitely being more focused this season, so this year I've decided to – squirrel!”

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING YOU DON'T WAN'T TO HEAR YOUR FAVORITE TEAM'S HEAD COACH SAY DURING TRAINING CAMP...

“As of today, I am declaring my candidacy for the Republican nomination for President of the United States”

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

  -- Thomas Pynchon

I Should Have Stayed In Bed 'Til The 5th

Yes, folks, here it is -- the real start of the summer holiday season, and a way to get out and enjoy the weather, the good friends and the celebration of our Independence Day. what could go wrong?

Well, a lot as it turns out; but rather than offer you a litany of hundreds of things that may happen, I just want to highlight some stuff that might indicate that the day is not going to go as planned. So in order to keep you on your toes to watch for sudden disaster, here are the...

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE HAVING A BAD 4TH OF JULY

10.) While digging through your barbeque equipment, you come across a bunch of document boxes with the initials “DJT” in your garage

9.) Due to road construction, the town 4^th of July parade has been rerouted through your back yard

8.) The band you hired to add a patriotic touch to your picnic turns out to be a Russian group named Vladimir and the Oligarchs

7.) Your neighbors show up carrying AR-15's after the pickleball tournament you're holding starts getting a little loud

6.) You discover the case of hot dogs you saved to grill today has an expiration date of 1999 on it

5.) Your obnoxious uncle shows up to your picnic and starts ranting about how the election was stolen

4.) Your picnic is cut short by the EMS showing up to tend to everyone choking on smoke from the Canadian wildfires

3.) George Santos shows up and starts relating stories about his great great great grandfather, Thomas Jefferson

2.) You discover that those fireworks you bought at the dollar store are worth every penny you paid for them – pffft!

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'RE HAVING A BAD 4TH OF JULY...

United Airlines has decided to give all its employees the day off – Enjoy sleeping in the airport!

A Memorial Day To Forget?

Memorial Day 2022. We all had such high hopes for this year that everything would turn around and we could look forward to our country getting back on the right path. After all, that's the way it always works out here in the USA, right?

Well, sadly maybe not -- at least not this year. With all the confusion, violence, misinformation, legal and political tussles and the cost of everything going sky high, it's no wonder we look upon our holidays this year with a certain degree of fear and trepidation. However, it's my intention to help try and cheer you up by letting you know that if none of the following things happen (or at least most of none of the following things), you've survived to celebrate another day. And so, dear friends, here are the...

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE HAVING A BAD MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND

10.) AN ANGRY MOB JUST SHOWED UP AT YOUR FRONT DOOR AND TOLD YOU “WE'RE PRETENDING IT'S JANUARY 6 AND YOUR HOUSE IS THE CAPITOL”

9.) YOU HAD TO TAKE OUT A SECOND MORTGAGE IN ORDER TO BUY THAT RACK OF RIBS FOR YOUR COOKOUT ON MONDAY

8.) YOUR NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOR JUST SENT HIS KIDS OVER TO SIPHON GASOLINE OUT OF YOUR TOYOTA HYBRID

7.) YOU'RE LESS WORRIED ABOUT RAIN SPOILING YOUR WEEKEND THAN YOU ARE ABOUT YOUR PARTY TENT BEING BROUGHT DOWN BY A COUPLE OF RUSSIAN MISSILES 

6.) YOUR TOWN'S MEMORIAL DAY PARADE THIS YEAR CONSISTS ENTIRELY OF FIRST RESPONDERS PASSING OUT COVID HOME TESTS

5.) DUE TO BUDGET CUTS, THAT FLYOVER BY THE BLUE ANGELS DURING YOUR TOWN'S MEMORIAL DAY SERVICES WAS CANCELLED AND REPLACED BY ONE GUY DOING ACROBATICS ON A BIPLANE

4.) YOU WENT TO THE STORE TO PICK UP A BAG OF CHARCOAL AND WERE TRAMPLED BY A BUNCH OF NEW MOTHERS WHO HEARD THAT A SHIPMENT OF BABY FORMULA JUST ARRIVED

3.) THANKS TO INFLATION, THAT $39 MATTRESS YOU PLANNED ON BUYING HAS SHOT UP TO $598

2.) AT THE FAMILY PICNIC, YOU ACCIDENTALLY MENTION YOUR UNCLE WHO FLED TO CANADA DURING THE VIETNAM WAR

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING THAT WILL COMPLETELY RUIN YOUR MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND (AND DESERVEDLY SO)...

THE NRA JUST VOTED YOU ITS "MAN OF THE YEAR"

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

  -- Thomas Pynchon

The Brady Bluff

OK, so if you were in Vegas yesterday (or anywhere else where gambling is legal), you may have figured that sooner or later, it'd be even money that Tom Brady would reconsider retiring  -- and whether it's because of a deep personal insecurity, his kids keep pestering him to take them to Disney World or his generosity in maybe buying a relative that condo in Miami they always dreamed of, it's now official: he'll be back with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers  for the 2022 season, a fact I never doubted would happen. 

And why was I so sure about this news? Because I got the inside scoop from someone who knows all the Brady family secrets -- Gisele's pedicurist, Madame Le Foote. It seems that there is no single piece of juicy family info that Mrs. Brady doesn't eventually let slip down her legs to her  feet and ultimately between her toes. At any rate, here then for all you football fans, (pro- and anti-Brady alike) are the:

TOP 10 REASONS WHY TOM BRADY IS UNRETIRING

10.) WANTS TO SEE WHO WILL LAST LONGER – HIM OR QUEEN ELIZABETH

9.) IT'S GETTING EXPENSIVE TO BUY ALL THE RAW MEAT THAT HE HAS TO TOSS TO ROB GRONKOWSKI

8.) HOPES TO KEEP PLAYING LONG ENOUGH TO WIN 11 SUPER BOWL RINGS – 10 FOR THE FINGERS AND ONE FOR WHEREVER ELSE HE WANTS TO WEAR IT

7.) DONALD TRUMP PROMISED HIM A FREE WEEKEND AT MAR A LAGO IF HE PLAYS 10 MORE SEASONS

6.) IS EMBARRASSED BY THE FACT THAT WIFE GISELE CLAIMS HIM AS A RETIRED ELDERLY DEPENDENT ON HER TAX RETURN

5.) JUST SIGNED A CONTRACT TO ENDORSE AGE-DEFYING CHEWABLE GUMMY BEAR STEROIDS AND WANTS TO PROVE THEY WORK

4.) PAYING TO HAVE A BUNCH OF TOM BRADY FANS WILDLY CHEERING FOR HIM IN EVERY ROOM OF HIS HOUSE IS JUST GETTING TOO PRICEY

3.) HAVING TO SIT AT HOME ALL DAY BINGE WATCHING EPISODES OF “DR. PIMPLE POPPER” IS MAKING HIM STIR CRAZY

2.) JUST CAN'T RESIST THE URGE TO KEEP TRYING TO DEFLATE HIS BALLS

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY TOM BRADY IS UNRETIRING...

BRETT FAVRE TOLD HIM THAT IF YOU ONLY RETIRE ONCE, NO ONE WILL NOTICE

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

  -- Thomas Pynchon