The Luck O' The Irish to Ya (And Save Some For Me)

I thought that since there's been so much bad news in the world lately that I might try turning the tables a little bit for St. Patrick's Day and see what I could come up with to feel good about; and what better way to do it than by trying to bring a little Irish luck to us all this year? so put away all those bad gloom and doom feelings about our world and our country, raise a glass of Jameson's and enjoy reading the...

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE HAVING THE LUCK O' THE IRISH

10.) Your name is Stormy Daniels and you just found a pot of gold worth $130,000

9.) Kim Jung Un promises not to launch a nuclear strike against you until after St. Patrick's Day or you meet face to face, whichever comes first

8.) A Russian spy, insead of spraying you with a nerve agent, sprinkles you with a bowlful of Lucky Charms

7.) Trump just waived the tariff on anything colored green

6.) The space guy in the Tesla Roadster radios that he's reached Heaven and guess what? They have Guinness there too!

5.) You're on a tour of Ireland with your soulmate and you discover it's true love when she kisses you on the Dingle Peninsula, and you nuzzle her betwixt the Hills of Tipperary

4.) Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway came back to your awards show, and this year they got it right

3.) That drag queen you just met who's dressed as a Cher impersonator turns out to really be Cher

2.) Sarah Huckabee Sanders starts adding the phrase “But he really just makes most things up” to all her responses

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'RE HAVING THE LUCK O' THE IRISH...

Donald Trump hasn't tweeted anything about you yet

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon

"Attention, All White House Personnel, Please Report To HR"

With the flood of White House staff members either voluntarily or forcibly departing the Trump administration in what can only be described as record numbers for a first year president, it must be quite confusing for people there to know if they're actually working for him from one day to the next. After all, how'd you like to show up for work one day and find that your office has been turned into a secret hideaway where the boss's son Barron can play undisturbed with his brand new XBox (or where Barron's daddy can get it on with a porn star)?

So, in order to help alleviate this confusion, I decided to offer some guidelines to any interested (or jittery) party on how to know that you need to be out of your West Wing office in the next 15 minutes, and therefore present...

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE NO LONGER EMPLOYED BY THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION

10.) Donald no longer shares his Big Mac and French Fries with you

9.) Nobody cares any more that your name is Spicer, Priebus or Papadopoulos

8.) Michael Wolff keeps calling you saying “Hey, I've got a doozy of an idea for a book but I just need a little input from you"

7.) Your condo in Trump Tower has just been sub-let to two people named Yuri and Ninotchka

6.) Eric and Donald Jr. have stopped coming over to your house for play dates with your kids

5.) Every time someone mentions your name at a press briefing, Sarah Huckabee Sanders calls it Fake News

4.) White House travel office changes your vacation plans from a week at Mar a Lago to two weeks in Haiti

3.) You suddenly find yourself standing in line at the unemployment office right behind Anthony Scaramucci

2.) Somewhere out there, there's an arrest warrant with your name on it

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'RE NO LONGER EMPLOYED BY THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION...

The last words Trump said directly to you were “Omarosa, you're fired!”

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon

Good-Bye To 2017, Hello To -- Do I Even Want To Know?

It's said that we are shaped in part by both our life experiences and what goes on in the larger world around us.  If that's the case, then should you have the occasion to be invited somewhere to ring out the old year and ring in the new, you may find that national and world events will have an effect on any party you attend this year, which may or may not leave a bad taste in your champagne-numbed mouth; so in order that you may be forewarned before venturing out tomorrow night to celebrate in the grand old style, here are a few thing to be aware of if you want to judge how the evening is going...

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE AT A BAD NEW YEAR'S EVE PARTY

10.) Chris Christie is spotted stuffing jumbo shrimp into his pockets

9.) You run into Kellyanne Conway, Sarah Huckabee Sanders and Ann Coulter – and Ann Coulter is the normal one

8.) You're at her majesty Queen Elizabeth's proper and formal party when Harry and Megan burst in and shout “Surprise! We eloped!”

7.) You're the only one there not wearing an outfit from The Ivanka Collection

6.) To fight the freezing temps in Time Square, Ryan Seacrest offers to let you borrow his best set of thermal underwear – after he takes it off

5.) Your hosts Christina and Tarek El Moussa start arguing over who should get the noisemakers and party hats in the divorce settlement

4.) The only other three people to show up are Charlie Rose, Matt Lauer and Bill O'Reilly

3.) You arrive at the Kim Kardashian party to find no one has yet left last year's Kim Kardashian party

2.) At the White House party, instead of “Auld Lang Syne”, the band plays “The Volga Boatman”

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'RE AT A BAD NEW YEAR'S EVE PARTY...

Your invitation to Robert Mueller's bash comes with a subpoena

Happy New Year, everyone!

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon

Sing We Now Of -- Christmas?!

Well, dear readers, the holidays are once again virtually upon us; and I know that for many of us, the second Christmas dealing with Donald Trump being in charge of our country doesn't give us pause to believe  that the words "peace on earth, good will toward men" has much meaning any more.  This year the sentiments were more like "Tweet first, then lie bigly to cover it up later."

But then I found out from my crack White House undercover spy (the guy that cleans the windows in the White House guard gates) that the man actually does have a weak spot.  He enjoys listening to his favorite holiday songs (so to speak), a fact of which once we're aware, can maybe soften our hearts and lighten that feeling of despair which has fallen over us since Nov. 8, 2016.  So without further delay, I present to you...

DONALD TRUMP'S TOP 10 FAVORITE CHRISTMAS SONGS

10.) “Away In A MAGA”

9.) “Have Yourself A Mar a Lago Christmas”

8.) “I Saw Melania Kissing Vladi Claus”

7.) “It Came Upon the Midnight Clear, The Nuke We Fired At Kim Jung Un”

6.) “You're A Mean One, Mr. Flynn”

5.) “I'm Dreaming Of An All-White Christmas”

4.) “Silver Walls, Silver Walls, It's Christmas Time On The Border”

3.) “Mueller Got Run Over By A Reindeer”

2.) “Oh, By Gosh, By Golly, It's Time For Mistletoe And P***y”

AND DONALD TRUMP'S NUMBER ONE FAVORITE CHRISTMAS SONG...

“All I Want For Christmas Is My Tax Bill Passed”

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon

As We Gather....

Well, once again we've come to the time of the year when we begin to think of family and friends -- and how none of us has probably spoken to each other over the last 12 months; so while thinking that now would be a good time to lay down our grievances and disagreements and renew our  friendships and love for family members, we also start to think about what could go wrong on this day that would disrupt our peace and intentions to give thanks. And so as has been my custom in the past, I'll now present for 2017...

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE HAVING A BAD THANKSGIVING

10.) Jeff Sessions claims he doesn't recall being at your house for dinner that day

9.) New Republican tax plan adds a surcharge for cornbread stuffing and yams

8.) Your free range, grain-fed steroid-free turkey just got up and walked off the table

7.) Sarah Huckabee Sanders stops by to tell you that it isn't Thanksgiving unless the president says it is

6.) An Amazon drone just re-enacted the WKRP Thanksgiving episode with the turkey you ordered from Whole Foods

5.) Just as you're digging into your slice of pumpkin pie, everyone rushes to clear the table and head to Walmart

4.) The Macy's parade is hit with scandal as seven women come forward to accuse the Pillsbury Dough Boy balloon of groping

3.) That turkey you just deep-fried to a burnt crisp comes with another piece of bad news: Domino's is closed on Thanksgiving

2.) Roy Moore invites your 15-year-old daughter over to his place for Thanksgiving dinner

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'RE HAVING A BAD THANKSGIVING...

One full year of Donald Trump and you're still trying to find something to be thankful for 

Happy Thanksgiving, All!

Halloween Nightmare? No Thanks, I've Already Had One

Once again it's that time of year when everyone seemingly loses their head (sometimes literally, depending on what costume they're wearing) and lets loose  for a night of ghoulies, ghosties and orgies -- and experience the drive through hell on the way home when they can't focus on the road ahead and keep retching out the driver's door window.

But setting good times aside for the moment, you may discover that you've happened on a real clunker of a party at which death by beheading may seem to be a preferable alternative. However, before you wander into that party with your single Cyclops eye wide open, it might be helpful to be prepared in advance for such an occurrence in order to make a clean getaway across the bridge where the Headless  Horseman  can't trap you. And so with that in mind, I present...

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE AT A BAD HALLOWEEN PARTY

10.) “Bobbing for Apples” has been replaced by “Bombing for Kim Jung Un”

9.) Rosie O'Donnell shows up dressed as Steve Bannon; Steve Bannon shows up dressed as Rosie O'Donnell – you can't tell who's who

8.) The party turns out to be politically correct so everyone is required to wish everyone else “Happy Hallow-days!”

7.) Your invitation to Robert Mueller's party says “P.S. Please be accompanied by legal representation”

6.) The three scariest things playing on the big screen are "Frankenstein," "Dracula," and a video of Kellyanne Conway in the outfit she wore to the inauguration

5.) Eric and Donald Trump Jr. keep arguing over which end of the horse's costume each of them is going to wear

4.) At the zombie theme party, everyone comes dressed as a FEMA agent

3.) Hoda and Kathie Lee are playing “Bobbing For Martini Olives”

2.) Bill O'Reilly offers you $32 million to let him loofah you out of your Wonder Woman costume

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'RE AT A BAD HALLOWEEN PARTY...

It's at Harvey Weinstein's house

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon

Going Bald? Then Sing Your Way To Hair Restoration!

I'm at the age now where I've started to lose a few hairs now and then and find a few in my comb -- OK, I'm pretty bald. and I know for many men (and some women) it's a stage of life that we'd rather not go through, and so we start to look for  any solution we can find from drugs to plugs to toupees and wigs (and in some cases can barely afford)  to reverse the process of our fast-thinning crop.  

I began to think however that there's one remedy that seems to have had universal acceptance over the years, and I thought that maybe the application of that combined with something that seems to put us all in a more relaxed state and gets the blood flowing to those starving follicles on our noggins might be a sure-fire way back to a full head of hair. So I came up with a new procedure: Singing!

That's right, folks. The next time you visit your local karaoke, open mic night, or are just puttering around the house, let those vocal cords help restore that crop that started to go missing from your head since the age of 30. I've even provided a song and a backing track to help you begin. And so without further delay, I present my guaranteed cure for baldness:

“Rogaine”

(sung to the tune of "Cocaine" as done by Eric Clapton)

If you're losing your hair there's no need to despair – Rogaine!

And if you scream and you shout each time another falls out – Rogaine!

Don't despair,

Keep your hair,

It's all there – Rogaine!

If your love life's a dud because your head's like a spud – Rogaine!

If you want to get chicks you'd better buy the mix – Rogaine!

Head's a spud,

Life's a dud,

Wake up, Bud – Rogaine!

(Instrumental Bridge)

If you think you can't cope, well there still is hope – Rogaine!

So remember, my friend, it all works out in the end  – Rogaine!

There's still hope,
You can cope,
You're no dope – Rogaine!

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon