It's Eight O'Clock -- Do You Know Where Your Draft Picks Are?

Well, once again it's time for one of those occasions during the course of the year that every football fan waits for with anticipation and anxiety, wondering if their favorite team is going to  do something that can either make their hometown heroes an instant winner, or (Dare I even say it, Buffalo?) perhaps even a Super Bowl contender?

Yes, it's the NFL draft, a three day orgy of useless information, absurd predictions and phony drama so important to NFL stats freaks that if it was a Catholic feast, it'd be a holy day of obligation.  On the other hand, it's great to see some of these young men who've toiled on the fields of their alma maters for four (or three, or two) years get their big chance to realize a lifelong dream -- and you get the chance to see in how many different directions Mel Kiper Jr. can stretch his mouth muscles

But hold on.  Suddenly during the course of the names being called out and the players being picked off one by one, it becomes apparent that there are a few All Americans and bowl game MVPs who for some reason are being bypassed. And why is that? Simply that once the people from the 32 NFL teams start digging into the background of some of these players they decide that well, he might be good, but he's not the right fit for us. And what are these flaws they may have the sad fortune to possess? 

Well, that's where I come in.  Thanks to one of my inside sources at NFL Headquarters (the guy who empties the paper shredder three times a month), I've been given an inside look at what the GM of every team in the league is NOT looking for when deciding to draft a player. And so, for all you fanatics who will be glued to your TVs tomorrow night and wondering why your favorite sure-bet guy from Boise State didn't get picked, here are the:

TOP 10 CHARACTERISTICS YOU DON'T WANT IN A PLAYER YOU'RE DRAFTING

10.) Had a summer job wrestling alligators – is now known as “Lefty”

9.) In an amazing feat of strength, once lifted all 40 of his teammates' wallets

8.) If he's drafted by the Raiders, hopes their  move to Las Vegas won't adversely affect his gambling habit

7.) Thinks a pulled hamstring is a dish on the menu of the local BBQ joint

6.) Told NFL scouts that the only reason he wants to be drafted is so he can catch a photo op of himself sharing a man hug with Roger Goodell

5.) Once got suspended for trying to tackle the team bus  

4.) Turned down a football scholarship to Ohio State because he couldn't spell “Ohio”

3.) Wants to get drafted by Cleveland so he can spend all his free time getting high and wandering around the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame

2.) Can't wait for the chance to start dating Taylor Swift as soon as she dumps Travis Kelce

AND THE NUMBER ONE CHARACTERISTIC YOU DON'T WANT IN A PLAYER YOU'RE DRAFTING...

Thinks the Chargers are still in San Diego

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                     "Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon

The Comey Chronicles, Bizarro Edition

So last week when the notes that former FBI Director James Comey reportedly wrote after meeting with Donald Trump were leaked to the press and the public, we essentially learned all we needed to learn about what went on in that infamous meeting between the two of them, didn't we?... Didn't we?

Well, actually no. Evidently Comey was smart enough to hold one page of his notes back -- notes which could be the most damning of all for the Trump presidency. But thanks to my inside sources at the Federal Bureau of Investigation (the guy who sells hot dogs and soft drinks from a cart outside FBI headquarters -- try him, his prices are reasonable), I now have in my possession  a transcript of that final page, and you, my dear friends will be the first to see it. So without further delay (and with  a federal subpoena probably hanging over my head from this moment on), here are the 

TOP 10 NOTES JAMES COMEY WROTE AFTER MEETING WITH DONALD TRUMP

10.) Keeps an emergency McDonald's Happy Meal in his desk just in case of nuclear war

9.) Thought Rudy Giuliani was much more appealing as a woman

8.) Wondered if I happened to know any Playboy centerfold models or Russian hookers – said he was asking for a friend

7.) If you blow on his hair, you'll startle the family of grasshoppers living in it

6.) Said his favorite poem begins with “There was a young man from Nantucket”

5.) Told me his endearing pet nickname for Sean Hannity is “That lyin' sack of Irish potatoes”

4.) Kept asking me to check a suspicious discolored mole he had in a place where I didn't want to look

3.) Wondered if I could tell him where Syria was – said he was asking for a friend

2.) Knew all along that Obama was really born in Hawaii. Only said he was born in Kenya because Eric and Donald Jr. kept asking him where black people come from

AND THE NUMBER ONE NOTE JAMES COMEY WROTE AFTER MEETING WITH DONALD TRUMP...

Told me I could look forward to getting plenty of mentions in his future tweets

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                     "Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon

Humpty Trumpty Sat On His Wall...

It seems as though lately Donald Trump's efforts to find a source for paying for his wall has run into a few dead ends. Mexico refuses to pay for it, money for it wasn't written into this year's spending bill and the notion he has to get the military to fork over $35 billion isn't sitting too well with Congress. So in order to solve this problem, The Donald has  had to do some creative thinking, and due to my inside contacts at the White House (the guy I met the other day who was throwing his ice cream wrapper over the fence on Pennsylvania Ave.), I've learned that Donald has come up with a list of the...

TOP 10 IDEAS TRUMP HAS FOR WHO'S GOING TO PAY FOR THE WALL

10.) Prince Harry and Megan's wedding guests

9.) Kim Jung Un

8.) Stormy Daniels

7.)  “Crooked Hillary”

6.) Robert Mueller

5.) Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer and every attorney he's had who's quit on him

4.) Rosie O'Donnell

3.) Eric and Donald Jr.'s piggy banks

2.) The last graduating class from Trump University

AND THE NUMBER ONE IDEA TRUMP HAS FOR WHO'S GOING TO PAY FOR THE WALL...

Everyone one who bought a “MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN” baseball cap

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon

The Luck O' The Irish to Ya (And Save Some For Me)

I thought that since there's been so much bad news in the world lately that I might try turning the tables a little bit for St. Patrick's Day and see what I could come up with to feel good about; and what better way to do it than by trying to bring a little Irish luck to us all this year? so put away all those bad gloom and doom feelings about our world and our country, raise a glass of Jameson's and enjoy reading the...

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE HAVING THE LUCK O' THE IRISH

10.) Your name is Stormy Daniels and you just found a pot of gold worth $130,000

9.) Kim Jung Un promises not to launch a nuclear strike against you until after St. Patrick's Day or you meet face to face, whichever comes first

8.) A Russian spy, insead of spraying you with a nerve agent, sprinkles you with a bowlful of Lucky Charms

7.) Trump just waived the tariff on anything colored green

6.) The space guy in the Tesla Roadster radios that he's reached Heaven and guess what? They have Guinness there too!

5.) You're on a tour of Ireland with your soulmate and you discover it's true love when she kisses you on the Dingle Peninsula, and you nuzzle her betwixt the Hills of Tipperary

4.) Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway came back to your awards show, and this year they got it right

3.) That drag queen you just met who's dressed as a Cher impersonator turns out to really be Cher

2.) Sarah Huckabee Sanders starts adding the phrase “But he really just makes most things up” to all her responses

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'RE HAVING THE LUCK O' THE IRISH...

Donald Trump hasn't tweeted anything about you yet

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon

"Attention, All White House Personnel, Please Report To HR"

With the flood of White House staff members either voluntarily or forcibly departing the Trump administration in what can only be described as record numbers for a first year president, it must be quite confusing for people there to know if they're actually working for him from one day to the next. After all, how'd you like to show up for work one day and find that your office has been turned into a secret hideaway where the boss's son Barron can play undisturbed with his brand new XBox (or where Barron's daddy can get it on with a porn star)?

So, in order to help alleviate this confusion, I decided to offer some guidelines to any interested (or jittery) party on how to know that you need to be out of your West Wing office in the next 15 minutes, and therefore present...

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE NO LONGER EMPLOYED BY THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION

10.) Donald no longer shares his Big Mac and French Fries with you

9.) Nobody cares any more that your name is Spicer, Priebus or Papadopoulos

8.) Michael Wolff keeps calling you saying “Hey, I've got a doozy of an idea for a book but I just need a little input from you"

7.) Your condo in Trump Tower has just been sub-let to two people named Yuri and Ninotchka

6.) Eric and Donald Jr. have stopped coming over to your house for play dates with your kids

5.) Every time someone mentions your name at a press briefing, Sarah Huckabee Sanders calls it Fake News

4.) White House travel office changes your vacation plans from a week at Mar a Lago to two weeks in Haiti

3.) You suddenly find yourself standing in line at the unemployment office right behind Anthony Scaramucci

2.) Somewhere out there, there's an arrest warrant with your name on it

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'RE NO LONGER EMPLOYED BY THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION...

The last words Trump said directly to you were “Omarosa, you're fired!”

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon

Good-Bye To 2017, Hello To -- Do I Even Want To Know?

It's said that we are shaped in part by both our life experiences and what goes on in the larger world around us.  If that's the case, then should you have the occasion to be invited somewhere to ring out the old year and ring in the new, you may find that national and world events will have an effect on any party you attend this year, which may or may not leave a bad taste in your champagne-numbed mouth; so in order that you may be forewarned before venturing out tomorrow night to celebrate in the grand old style, here are a few thing to be aware of if you want to judge how the evening is going...

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE AT A BAD NEW YEAR'S EVE PARTY

10.) Chris Christie is spotted stuffing jumbo shrimp into his pockets

9.) You run into Kellyanne Conway, Sarah Huckabee Sanders and Ann Coulter – and Ann Coulter is the normal one

8.) You're at her majesty Queen Elizabeth's proper and formal party when Harry and Megan burst in and shout “Surprise! We eloped!”

7.) You're the only one there not wearing an outfit from The Ivanka Collection

6.) To fight the freezing temps in Time Square, Ryan Seacrest offers to let you borrow his best set of thermal underwear – after he takes it off

5.) Your hosts Christina and Tarek El Moussa start arguing over who should get the noisemakers and party hats in the divorce settlement

4.) The only other three people to show up are Charlie Rose, Matt Lauer and Bill O'Reilly

3.) You arrive at the Kim Kardashian party to find no one has yet left last year's Kim Kardashian party

2.) At the White House party, instead of “Auld Lang Syne”, the band plays “The Volga Boatman”

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'RE AT A BAD NEW YEAR'S EVE PARTY...

Your invitation to Robert Mueller's bash comes with a subpoena

Happy New Year, everyone!

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon

Sing We Now Of -- Christmas?!

Well, dear readers, the holidays are once again virtually upon us; and I know that for many of us, the second Christmas dealing with Donald Trump being in charge of our country doesn't give us pause to believe  that the words "peace on earth, good will toward men" has much meaning any more.  This year the sentiments were more like "Tweet first, then lie bigly to cover it up later."

But then I found out from my crack White House undercover spy (the guy that cleans the windows in the White House guard gates) that the man actually does have a weak spot.  He enjoys listening to his favorite holiday songs (so to speak), a fact of which once we're aware, can maybe soften our hearts and lighten that feeling of despair which has fallen over us since Nov. 8, 2016.  So without further delay, I present to you...

DONALD TRUMP'S TOP 10 FAVORITE CHRISTMAS SONGS

10.) “Away In A MAGA”

9.) “Have Yourself A Mar a Lago Christmas”

8.) “I Saw Melania Kissing Vladi Claus”

7.) “It Came Upon the Midnight Clear, The Nuke We Fired At Kim Jung Un”

6.) “You're A Mean One, Mr. Flynn”

5.) “I'm Dreaming Of An All-White Christmas”

4.) “Silver Walls, Silver Walls, It's Christmas Time On The Border”

3.) “Mueller Got Run Over By A Reindeer”

2.) “Oh, By Gosh, By Golly, It's Time For Mistletoe And P***y”

AND DONALD TRUMP'S NUMBER ONE FAVORITE CHRISTMAS SONG...

“All I Want For Christmas Is My Tax Bill Passed”

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon