What to Buy, What to Buy -- The Tablet Or The Ginger Root?

In this age of huge mega-mergers and surprising corporate acquisitions, the most recent high profile one seems to be the most unsettling. 

Yes, despite the Time Warner-Charter deal, Bayer buying Monsanto, and your favorite little corner neighborhood drugstore being swallowed up by Walgreen's, more people are expressing dismay about the Amazon-Whole Foods merger than any other.  So just to prepare you for what changes you might expect from both companies once the whole transaction goes through, here are: 

TOP 10 THINGS THAT YOU'LL NOTICE ABOUT THE AMAZON-WHOLE FOODS MERGER

10.) One wheel on your virtual shopping cart keeps locking up

9.) You can now purchase a gluten-free Kindle

8.) Whenever you call Amazon Customer Service to resolve a problem, you get a message that says “Please be at peace and hold the line. All operators are currently on a juice cleanse"

7.) You just found out that 60' HD flat screen TV you ordered is on sale for $150 less at Trader Joe's 

6.) The Amazon drone delivering your expensive order of organic guacamole keeps crashing into your garage door

5.) You open up that laptop you just had delivered to find it's growing sprouts

4.) All multi-grain breads sold after July 1, 2017 will come with a free upgrade to Windows 10

3.) Amazon credit card customers will now be able to pay off their accounts in Himalayan Goji Berries

2.) Every time you ask your Amazon Alexa a question, it responds with “You can find the answer at Whole Foods”

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING THAT YOU'LL NOTICE ABOUT THE AMAZON-WHOLE FOODS MERGER...

Buy a book, get a mango!

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon

We Need A New FBI Director -- Who Ya Gonna Call?

Mixed in among all the chaos of the past three weeks with the firing of James Comey, and the laff-a-minute daily revelations about something else, one thing has been overlooked. Now that Comey's gone, who's going to run the FBI?

Well, my own personal sources (those voices in my head) have revealed  a few people who are at the top of Donald Trump's list, although like everything else he does, there's no rhyme or reason to them and he'll probably pop his choice on us as a surprise in a 5:00 am tweet.

At any rate, at the risk of leaking highly classified information (which everybody seems to be doing these days), here's what I've found out about Trump's top choices for a new FBI director, along with his thoughts about why they made the list. So without further delay,  I now present...

DONALD TRUMP'S TOP 10 CHOICES FOR A NEW FBI DIRECTOR

10.) 

Sean Spicer ("Nice guy, good man, loves gardening and landscaping")

9.)

Tim Allen ("Love his show, watch it all the time, just like me he's surrounded by beautiful women including his daughters, who I'd like to date")

8.)

Frederick Douglass ("He's been getting a lot of good mention lately and -- what do you mean he's dead?")

7.)

Kojak ("A real law and order -- what? He's dead too?!")

6.)

Bill O'Reilly ("A man after my own heart")

5.)

Chris Christie ("He's been pestering me to give him a job for months and I thought this might be a way to finally get rid of him")

4.)

Regis Philbin ("A fellow New Yorker, if he can make it there he can make it anywhere, including doing a great job of representing my administration in personal appearances at mid-western grain elevators")

3.)

Billy Bush ("No comment")

2.) 

Vladimir Putin ("My good friend Vladi whom I've never met, but I hear that he can say to people "Your fired!" and not have the fake liberal media get mad at him")

AND DONALD TRUMP'S NUMBER ONE CHOICE FOR A NEW FBI DIRECTOR...

("Because the FBI is a mess and I'm the only one who knows how to fix it")

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon

St. Patrick's Day: Getting Your Shamrocks Off

Well friends, once again we've gone nearly 365 days without  everyone trying to prove how Irish we all can be. But the big test comes up on Friday when folks by the millions regardless of age, sex. race, nationality, creed or religion, become one with the sons and daughters of old Eire and ends up puking their brains out.

However, for those of you who expect to be a little more moderate in your celebrating but still plan on attending a party or two, there are some pitfalls you may want to be aware of beforehand, just so you'll know if the affair you end up going to turns out to bite the big shillelagh. And so, with out further delay, here are the... 

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE AT A BAD ST. PATRICK'S DAY PARTY

10.) You see Hillary Clinton sitting at a table in the corner draped over a half-empty bottle of Jameson's and muttering “It should've been me... It should've been me...”

9.) At Paul Ryan's party, you find out that the new Republican health care plan doesn't cover anyone named Seamus, Liam or Mary Margaret


8.) All the party hats were misprinted so everyone's wearing green derbies that read “KILL ME, I'M IRISH”

7.) Kellyanne Conway keeps pulling you over and telling you to talk directly into the Showtime Rotisserie Oven

6.) That Martha Stewart recipe for a traditional Irish dinner that you prepared for your guests is turning everyone's face the same color as the cabbage

5.) You get invited to the CIA party and when you ask for directions, they tell you “Check Wikileaks”

4.) You showed up at the Mar-A-Lago St. Patrick's Day party just in time to hear Donald Trump tell everyone his top secret plans to “nuke North Korea bigly!”

3.) Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway just arrived to announce the award for Best Leprachaun Costume


2.) You find yourself sitting at the same table with Jeff Sessions, Mike Flynn, Jared Kushner and some guy who introduces himself as Vladdy O'Putin

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'RE AT A BAD ST. PATRICK'S DAY PARTY...

You're positively convinced that Barack Obama tapped your keg of Guinness

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon

Super Bowl? Super Sorry

Well it's nearly here. the day football fans all over the country (and yes even those in Buffalo and Cleveland) have waited for: our annual march into frenzy  and mayhem, all brought on by what has certainly outclassed itself as just another sporting event. And I'm sure one way or another, anyone who spends half a day tomorrow will probably think that at least some of it was worth giving up 12 hours of your life for.  

On the other hand, for those of you who are either invited to or are planning on hosting your own party to celebrate what has de facto become the fourth biggest holiday in our nation now may discover that there are a few tipoffs (no basketball pun intended) that the party you're at may not be all that. So to help you discern whether or not you can expect to have a good time wherever you spend the day watching the Pats and the Falcons, here are the

TOP TEN THINGS YOU PROBABLY DON'T WANT TO HEAR AT YOUR SUPER BOWL PARTY

10.) “Welcome to our annual Super Bowl party! The seating arrangements are: liberals on the left, conservatives on the right – whoops, wait, these were the instructions for the debates”

9.) “Honey, guess what? I just found the cable bill I thought I lost and never paid. Maybe that's why the picture suddenly went dark”

8.) “The place I got the wings from were out of the regular ones, so they gave me these. Besides, they told me bat wings are just as healthy to eat”

7.) “Hey I just thought of something. Every time Joe Buck and Troy Aikman cast longing glances at each other – drink!”

6.) “Gee, all this great food. But since I'm on a special diet, you got anything with tofu?"

5.) “Jim, your mother's on the phone. She's wondering why you haven't called her lately. Here, talk to her”

4.) ”So you're saying the quarterback is the guy who throws the ball and the receiver is the one who catches it. Well then, what do all the other guys do?"

3.) “Hey! Why are these wings so black and leathery?"

2.) "Thank God it's over. Now our country can get back to some semblance of sanity”

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING YOU PROBABLY DON'T WANT TO HEAR AT YOUR SUPER BOWL PARTY...

1.) “This game is boring. Why don't we hit my son's room and fire up his Madden 2016?”

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon

Jan. 20, 2017: A Day that Will Live In Infancy

OK, let's get right to the point: Our country has been collectively walking on eggshells ever since election day. Half of us are giddy with excitement and half of us are terrified of what might transpire over the next four years. But regardless, we all know either way, tears will be shed, either of joy or of sorrow.

But how about a middle option? Amidst all the pageantry, color and bad taste, let's take tomorrow's events for what they're worth and have some fun with them by shedding a few tears of laughter. After all, now that Ringling Bros. is closing down, what better show on earth is there to entertain us but the one starting tomorrow with the greatest ringmaster of them all in charge?  And so, looking toward the next four years while at the same time keeping in mind the words of Bette Davis: "Fasten your seat belts, boys. It's going to be a bumpy ride," Here are the...

TOP 10 THINGS YOU'LL PROBABLY HEAR AT DONALD TRUMP'S INAUGURATION

10.) “Mr. and Mrs. Trump? The Clintons just arrived and they say you're in their seats”

9.) “They haven't started yet because they're waiting for the Russian interpreter to show up and translate Trump's speech into English"”

8.) ”Ladies and gentlemen, please keep the lines moving! Billionaires straight ahead, and everyone else around the wall and in through the kitchen entrance”

7.) “Hey, Christie! It's raining here! Where the hell's the umbrella you're supposed to be holding over us?"

6.) “Thank you, my fellow Americans. I've been told to always start a good speech off with a joke, so here goes: Two Muslims walk into a Mexican restaurant...”

5.) “Uh, President Trump, the NSA, the FBI, the CIA and the Secret Service all just called. They said you're on your own”

4.) “Well, Mrs. Biden, looks like Michelle and I will have to pay up                   on that bet we made with you that your husband wouldn't show up in a Captain America costume”

3.) “Boy, Melania looks so hot today, I can't wait to get her into the Lincoln        bedroom tonight. Of course, if Ivanka weren't my daughter...”

2.) “I, Donald J. Trump do solemnly swear... that I never said any of                  those things that the lying liberal media said I said”

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING YOU'LL PROBABLY HEAR AT DONALD TRUMP'S INAUGURATION...

“I give him six months, eight months tops. and then he'll get bored and decide to go back to just being governor of Indiana”

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon

Happy Thanksgiving! Please Don't Throw The Pumpkin Pie!

I think most people will agree that this has been a trying year for our country, but as we near the end of 2016, this may be a good time to stop and be grateful for what we have and look forward to a better year in 2017.

Whoops, scratch that.  This year, Thanksgiving is starting to look like it may be fraught with so much angst and stress, that on the one day when we should all come together,  our nation will probably be engaged in one gigantic food fight.. 

But on the other hand, it could be worse.  Some totally unexpected things could happen that would really screw up your holiday; and so, just to give you a forewarning of what  to keep an eye out for, I've compiled...

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE HAVING A BAD THANKSGIVING

10) You're invited over to Bill and Hillary's for Thanksgiving dinner and Hillary begins the blessing with “I'm not sure how much we have to be thankful for this year”...

9) Decide to start your holiday shopping at 6 pm on Thanksgiving night only to be met by people blocking the mall entrance and holding placards that say “BLACK FRIDAY LIVES MATTER!”

8) Every time someone tries to compliment you on your cooking, Kanye West interrupts to say that Martha Stewart could have done a better job

7) Chris Christie shows up at your front door dressed up like a pilgrim and asking if he could have some food to take back to the President-Elect

6) Finished making your online wagers on today's football games just as CNN announces that all the sports sites have been hacked by the Russians

5) You invite Gary Johnson over for Thanksgiving dinner and he replies “Thanksgiving? What's that?”

4) You're at Hoda and Kathie Lee's Thanksgiving celebration and everybody's guessing on how long it will be before one of them tips their wine over onto your lap

3) You turn on the TV to see that Macy's parade has been ambushed by 10,000 protestors marching down Broadway chanting ”Not my Santa Claus! Not my Santa Claus!”

2) Donald Trump's advice for enjoying your Thanksgiving meal: “Grab it by the giblets!”

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'RE HAVING A BAD THANKSGIVING...

“As God is my witness, I thought turkeys couldn't be elected president!”

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon

Hello, Halloween

Well, it's almost here. The favorite night of the year for ghosts, goblins, and pediatric dentists who make a killing every November filling Halloween candy-induced cavities.

But for the rest of us, as we grow into adulthood, we have to find ways to make October 31 actually meaningful in some way, as if we were trying to reach out and grab onto a piece of our fast disappearing childhood -- and believe me, as you cross into your 60's  that grip can become pretty weak.  And so we try to do things that will bring us back to those forgotten days of our youth.  We  put "It's The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!" on endless loop repeat on our DVRs, we go to scary amusement attractions -- or if we have no other option,  we actually go to a party dressed up in a costume that we wouldn't have been caught dead in when we were young.

And so it goes, but of course, the whole point of doing all this is to try and enjoy ourselves. However,  there should be a few clues here and there to tell you when things probably aren't going to go as you had hoped in terms of  your efforts to have a good time. so to help you sort those things out, I thought I'd give you a few indicators with my...

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE HAVING A BAD HALLOWEEN

10.) Billy Bush offers to take you out Trick or Treating in his pimped-out touring coach

9.) Chris Christie shows up at your door for the fifth time tonight and you finally give him the whole bowl of candy just to get rid of him

8.) The thought of Matt Lauer dressed up as a woman on Halloween again this year is starting to get you uncomfortably aroused

7.) You go to a house dressed as as Bernie Sanders and a Republican answers the door and tells you “You want candy? Work for it!”

6.) That big glass of apple cider you're drinking turns out to be Flint, Michigan tap water

5.) Instead of your house being pelted with eggs, it's being pelted with campaign fliers

4.) The young girl who shows up at your door coughing and wheezing and wearing a pantsuit tells you that this year she decided to go out as Hillary Clinton

3.) What you thought was werewolves howling at the moon turns out to be your next door neighbors getting it on in their hot tub

2.) You turn on the TV to watch your favorite Halloween special and you see something even scarier: Rudy Giuliani

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'RE HAVING A BAD HALLOWEEN...

Your Jack'o'Lantern just sprouted a mane of unruly hair and keeps shouting “And we're gonna build a wall!”

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon