Happy St. Pandemic's Day

                                                      

Every year we like to take some time right in the middle of our Lenten period of sacrifice and piety to raise a little hell, and St. Patrick's Day is the perfect excuse for doing so.  But this year, of course, With the health crisis looming over us, in order to even observe the day at all, we obviously all have to adjust and prepare for the unexpected. With that precaution in mind, I thought it might be a good idea to point out some of the adjustments we may have to make or things to take into consideration when preparing for the wearing o' the green this year. And so, to try and help you to make it through the day tomorrow, I present...

TOP 10 THINGS THAT WILL AFFECT YOUR ST. PATRICK'S DAY OBSERVANCE

10.) That corned beef and cabbage you bought at the public market for your St. Patrick's Day dinner is suddenly starting to not look so good

9.) The only thing you've got left to wash your hands with is a bottle of Jameson's

8.) Turner Classic Movies just changed their St. Patrick's Day schedule from showing “The Quiet Man” to “Dead Man Walking”

7.) You've already started thinking “Easter eggs or no Easter eggs?”

6.) Your local St. Patrick's Day parade consists of a guy in a leprechaun suit driving down Main Street in a green Ford Pinto with the windows and doors sealed shut

5.) The Irish band you hired to perform shows up wearing hazmat suits

4.) You go to visit your local Irish priest, Father O'Dooley to ask for a blessing and he refuses to open the door unless you can prove you've been tested

3.) Your earworm Irish song for the day is “Who Put The Coronavirus In Mrs. Murphy's Chowder?”

2.) You turn on the TV just in time to see Jerry Springer doing a St. Paddy's Day special from a supermarket

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING THAT WILL AFFECT YOUR ST. PATRICK'S DAY OBSERVANCE...

You just traded 12 cases of Guinness for a roll of toilet paper

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon

Another Valentine's Day Shot (Right Through The Heart)

                                                     

 Well, here it is -- the one day of the year (maybe besides New Year's Eve) that those of the unattached demographic face with dread, if not downright terror. For while they absolutely know that everyone else is out having a good time, enjoying the companionship of someone close, and who knows, maybe even making a little whoopee, they're home reading their James Thurber or binge watching GAME OF THRONES for the 25th time.  

Ah, but is that how things really are?  If you were to look more closely at the situation, you might find that perhaps you're not missing out on such a good time after all; since like with any other shared experience you'd like to believe that everything would go perfectly on a night like this, in actuality there are any number of things that could happen to ruin that dream evening. And so, as a warning for both those of you who are longing to be out there partying -- and whoopeeing -- and those who actually are but may run into some unexpected obstacles, I present:

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE HAVING A BAD ST. VALENTINE'S DAY

10.) While you're having a romantic candlelight dinner with your valentine, they get a text message saying that they've tested positive for the coronavirus

9.) The escort service you called for a date for this evening turns out to be a police sting operation

8.) Your blind date for the night looks like Mitch McConnell – but you figure what the hell, I'll take her out anyway

7.) On the way to the restaurant, your Uber driver starts making romantic passes at you

6.) The couple at the next table invites the two of you to come over and dine with them on lobster, filet mignon and French champagne to celebrate the night – then leaves you with the check

5.) While you're on the romantic moonlit cruise you booked for the evening, the boat's captain hands you a bucket and tells you to start bailing

4.) Your date asks you if you've ever enjoyed a “Whitman's Sampler” – and you see nary a box of candy anywhere

3.) You ordered a dozen roses online to be sent to your sweetie – what gets delivered is a dozen pictures of Rosie O'Donnell

2.) You're all set to spend another nice quiet Valentine's evening alone when your mother calls and asks if you have a date for tonight

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'RE HAVING A BAD ST. VALENTINE'S DAY...

You just found out you're going to be part of Donald Trump's St. Valentine's Day Massacre

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon

Halloween: What to Wear, What to Wear

So once again the year has rolled around to that time where we see more  ghosts and phantoms than we used to get with bad over the air TV reception. A time where we're all free to let out our inner child and pick a costume which allows us to act out any character or alternate personality we have hidden deep within our souls.

But as Brom Bones said to Ichabod crane, Beware!  Should you decide to attend a celebration of the evening wearing something that some would think was not socially acceptable or was even totally objectionable, you might not only not win the best costume contest, you might get kicked out of the party altogether. And so, just as a precaution, I present the: 

TOP 10 PERSONS YOU DON'T WANT TO DRESS UP AS ON HALLOWEEN...

10.) The Devil Wears Walmart

9.) Kim Jong Runt

8.) Tool Time Matt

7.) Sean Spicey

6.) Balloon Boy

5.) Wicked Witch of the West Wing

4.) Dr. Sadisticus

3. Chicken-white Man

 

2.) Tweedledum and Tweedledumber

AND THE NUMBER ONE PERSON YOU DON'T WANT TO DRESS UP AS ON HALLOWEEN...

Rudy Ghouliani

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon

Good-bye, Columbus

Yes, it's once again upon us -- the most controversial of holidays. Most businesses can't even decide whether or not to let their employees have the day off; but aside from that aspect, over the years, Columbus Day has seen a grey cloud overshadow it as we discover more about who the man was and how his voyages affected history.

However, we can still make the best of the day and enjoy what free time and/or leisure activities we can engage in -- except there are always those things that like any other holiday, can turn what you hope may be a positive experience into a dud.  So in order to  keep you on the lookout for such possibilities (and searching for land ahead so to speak), here are the...

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE HAVING A BAD COLUMBUS DAY

10.) You just found out that $39 mattress you bought at the Columbus Day sale has a delivery charge of $80

9.) That Native American family who just moved in down the street give you suspiciously menacing smiles every time you walk by their house

8.) Your hard of hearing neighbor invites you to come over and binge watch a '70s detective series with him in honor of it being Columbo's Day

7.) You just heard that the city of Columbus, OH voted to change its name to Geronimo

6.) Your town's Columbus Day parade keeps being interrupted by the town's drunken Irish who are still celebrating “Halfway to St. Patrick's Day”

5.) Your wife decides to serve you a special dinner like the one Columbus and his crew must have had when they first landed: seaweed, turtle eggs and raw fish  

4.) Some guy just ran into your front yard, planted a flag and yelled "I claim this land for the King of Spain!"

3.) Your eight-year-old comes home from school and tells you the teacher told the class that when Columbus landed in the new world the first people he met were some old Jews living in Miami Beach

2.) It's 1492, you're living on an island in the Caribbean and you suddenly see three ships approaching -- Uh-oh!

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'RE HAVING A BAD COLUMBUS DAY...

You just realized there are only 70 more shopping days until Christmas – Gaaaah!

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon

"Class Reunion? -- Quick, Hand Me the Zoloft!"

Well, it's finally upon me -- my 50th year high school reunion.  Rush-Henrietta Senior High School, Henrietta, NY, Class of '69 (the first class to graduate from the new high

school in the district).  I received a notice about it a couple of months ago and was sitting  on the fence ever since about whether or not to attend.  

In the end I decided to go, but after wondering why it took me so long to make up my mind, I realized that anyone who goes to such an event (especially when you're so many years removed from your high school days)  really needs to have some compelling reasons for wanting to attend -- and after all, you can never experience too much angst (or require too much prescription medication) when going to one of these things.  So after thinking hard and long  (and hoping that some disgruntled ex-classmate doesn't end up putting out a hit on me) I deviated a bit from my usual Top 10 list and came up with  the following:

TOP 16 REASONS WHY PEOPLE SHOULD WANT TO ATTEND RUSH-HENRIETTA’S 50TH YEAR CLASS REUNION

16.) Good chance to compare joint replacement procedures

15.) Finally got clean and sober after 50 years and wanted to tell everyone about how great was the last place you remember being: Woodstock

14.) Wanted to check and see if anyone ever turned in that wallet you lost in 10th grade

13.) Determined to go even if it means running into your first wife -- as well as your second, third and fourth ones

12.) Still hoping to get credit for Driver’s Ed Class so you can take your road test

11.) You can tell everyone you’re working on your 15th Master’s degree -- you’re NEVER going to stop being a student!

10.) Can finally get revenge against the guy you sat next to in the Physics final whose test you copied and ended up with a “D”

9.) That BMW you’re paying $499 a month for ain’t impressing anyone just sitting in your driveway

8.) Wonder when you mention the name "Rush" how many people think you're referring to Limbaugh

7.) Want to see whose boobs have sunk lower than the foundation on your condo in Florida

6.) Can't believe it's been 50 years since the following three things happened: the moon landing, Nixon becoming president, and Rush-Henrietta officially getting rid of you

5.) Convinced you’ll be the hottest grandmother in the house -- whoops, no, that's just another late unexpected menopause flash

4.) Want to check and see if that special someone you had a secret crush on in high school is still the same sex

3.) Were hoping to see 300 classmates -- what you‘ll see is 600 chins

2.) You missed the 20th, 30th, and 40th reunions, and -- hey, wait, you already went to a 50th reunion -- what school is this again?

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY PEOPLE SHOULD WANT TO ATTEND RUSH HENRIETTA’S 50TH  YEAR CLASS REUNION…

Forget about a 60th reunion -- in another 10 years, climate change will have wiped us out as a species

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon

My Country 'Tis Of Thee, Sweet Day Of Misery

Well, it's come around again -- the REAL start of summer. The day when we all stop to remember our country's heritage, history, struggle for independence -- and overindulgence in celebrating all that stuff.

However, among the many traditions we observe on this day, there are always a few quirks in the system that start to tell us that maybe this day is not going to go like the ideal 4th of July that we had been planning on enjoying this year; and so, in order to make you aware of some of the things beforehand that may indicate you probably should have stayed in bed until the 5th of July, I now present...

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE HAVING A BAD 4TH OF JULY

10.) Those soyburgers you're buying to throw on the grill just had a a 25 percent tariff slapped on them

9.) That “rockets' red glare” from your neighbor's back yard has now become a four alarmer forcing everyone on the block to evacuate

8.) Only two groups showed up to march in your town's 4^th of July parade: the neo-Nazis and the Gay Pride Coalition

7.) You spent the whole afternoon in our nations's capital trying to avoid getting run over by tanks

6.) Judge Brett Kavanaugh turned down the invitation to your picnic, so you're hoping to God that P.J. and Squi show up with the beer

5.) The guy you were betting on to win the Nathan's Coney Island hot dog eating contest just threw it all up on your lap

4.) The revolutionary war reenactment you went to see ended with the colonists giving up

3.) The nearest body of water you can take the family to to enjoy the day is the Flint, Michigan reservoir

2.) After all the partying and celebrating, just as your about to get cozy with your special someone, your Roman candle fizzles out

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'RE HAVING A BAD 4TH OF JULY

Those aren't fireworks exploding overhead, they're North Korean ICBMs

Sarah, We Hardly Heard The Truth From Ye

In the strange topsy-turvy world known as the Trump administration, one of the constants was that we could at least count on was that White House Press spokesperson Sarah Huckabee Sanders would always be there to lie to us. But know in a dramatic turn of events, it seems she is even jumping ship and leaving her post at the end of the month.  

But when one speculates about so many reasons whey she could be leaving at this point, it turns out that there is not one single reason, but an aggregate of such which contributed to he decision to depart. So I turned to one of my White House sources. (the kid with the toy lawnmower that got his picture taken cutting the lawn with Trump standing over him offering him a MAGA hat if he did both the south and the north lawns), and found out what was really behind her decision. And therefore, it pleases me to now present you with the...

TOP 10 REASONS WHY SARAH HUCKABEE SANDERS IS LEAVING THE WHITE HOUSE

10.) Trump told her that if she quit, he'd name a wall after her

9.) Finally will have the time to binge watch “Game Of Thrones” and see what all the hype is about

8.) Miffed that Mike Pence keeps telling her that she looks like she should undergo gay conversion therapy

7.) Her neighbors think she's married to Bernie Sanders and keep wondering when she'll start giving them free stuff

6.) Just found out that Donald Trump had a fling with a porn star on the leather couch in her office the other night

5.) Discovered that just as a practical joke Eric and Donald Jr. installed air jets underneath the press room podium

4.) When Trump decided to hold a White House staff beauty pageant, she came in second to Kellyanne Conway

3.) Was getting jealous of Donald and Ivanka's close relationship and wanted to go back to Arkansas to spend more time with daddy Mike

2.) Trump keeps referring to her as “The Princess of Whales”

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY SARAH HUCKABEE SANDERS IS LEAVING THE WHITE HOUSE...

Now she can tell the White House press corps what she REALLY thinks of them

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                     "Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon