The NFL In Merrie Old England

Well. football fans, after only two weeks into the season, we've already come to the part where things start to get a little weird; meaning basically that the NFL is making its annual pilgrimage back to Wembley Stadium in London in order to entice someone to perhaps decide to buy a franchise or relocate a team there.  This year, the victimized squad is once again the Jacksonville Jaguars who are not going to play only one, but TWO games there in consecutive weeks, the second being against the Buffalo Bills at the new Tottenham Stadium, which by the way is also in London. My main reaction to this is: Look out, Jaguars  season ticket fans, you may soon be paying thousands of dollars to watch your team play all its home games near the White Cliffs of Dover. 

However, it might be refreshing to see what kinds of changes may come to the game as a result of hopping the Atlantic, specifically in the form of how much more disciplined the game might be played and what kind of punishment might be incurred for different infractions. And so in both speculation and anticipation of what we may see at future NFL games played in London, I give you the...

TOP 10 PENALTIES WHEN THE NFL COMES TO ENGLAND

10.) Holding – 10 yards and sent to Harrod's Department Store without any charge cards

9.) Offside – 5 yards and being forced to eat a week's worth of jellied eels

8.) Ogling Kate Middleton as she and her boys enter the stadium – 15 yards and automatic beheading

7.) Roughing the passer -- 15 yards and an appointment with a British dentist

6.) Illegal formation -- 5 yards and being made to listen to denial excuses by Prince Andrew

5.) Not remembering to “Mind The Gap” – 5 yards and suspension of transfer privileges on the tube

4.) Defensive Pass Interference – 15 yards and offending player made to sing “Rule, Britannia!”

3.) Offensive pass Interference – Same thing, except he sings it backwards

2.) Refusing to acknowledge HRM King Charles as the true and rightful Monarch of The Realm – No penalty

AND THE NUMBER ONE PENALTY WHEN THE NFL COMES TO ENGLAND...

Calling the Referee “A Bloody Irish Dolt!” – 15 yards and a fortnight in the Tower

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

  -- Thomas Pynchon

"I Now Pronounce This Training Camp Open!"

Well, here it is -- the week all true NFL fans have been waiting for, the week that NFL training camps open; several this week for rookie reports and the rest of the league next week. And just like Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade marks the start of the Christmas shopping season, we can all now start ticking off the days until the official season -- the REAL football season starts, except instead of a parade we now get 330 pound linemen lumbering on to the practice fields with a rumble that'll set off the seismometers at Cal Tech. That's right, folks -- no more suffering through any XFL, USFL or any other junior league games. This is the real deal.  

But wait.  How do we know how our favorite team is going to do this year? Well, if you listen to the daily press briefings by the team's head coach, it might give you an inkling of expectations. However, because even the best of coaches can occasionally commit a faux pas on both the gridiron and in the pressroom, there are things you might hear them let slip in answering a question here and there  that wasn't meant for public consumption. So, as an aid to help you read between the sidelines so to speak during moments like these, here are my...

TOP 10 THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR YOUR FAVORITE TEAM'S HEAD COACH SAY DURING TRAINING CAMP

10.) “I know a 3 and 14 season last year wasn't what we expected, but it sure beat the 1 and 16 season we actually ended up with”

9.) “What are our plans for utilizing our number one draft choice? Well, our first plan is to convince him to show up”

8.) “Free agents? We don't need no stinking free agents!”

7.) “I can say for a fact that we had every intention of trading for Aaron Rodgers – right up until the moment we found out our equipment manager fled to Mexico with our bonus money”

6.) “This season, so that we play our best football during the third and fourth quarters, I'm limiting all halftime conjugal visits to10 minutes each”

5.) “This year, in order to keep Bill Belichick from stealing our offensive schemes, we'll be sending our plays in via mental telepathy”

4.) “This season, when that scoreboard clock strikes zero, I want to be convinced that we've left most of it on the field”

3.) “In the unforgettable words of the great Vince Lombardi. winning isn't everything, something, something, something...”

2.) “We plan on definitely being more focused this season, so this year I've decided to – squirrel!”

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING YOU DON'T WAN'T TO HEAR YOUR FAVORITE TEAM'S HEAD COACH SAY DURING TRAINING CAMP...

“As of today, I am declaring my candidacy for the Republican nomination for President of the United States”

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

  -- Thomas Pynchon

I Should Have Stayed In Bed 'Til The 5th

Yes, folks, here it is -- the real start of the summer holiday season, and a way to get out and enjoy the weather, the good friends and the celebration of our Independence Day. what could go wrong?

Well, a lot as it turns out; but rather than offer you a litany of hundreds of things that may happen, I just want to highlight some stuff that might indicate that the day is not going to go as planned. So in order to keep you on your toes to watch for sudden disaster, here are the...

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE HAVING A BAD 4TH OF JULY

10.) While digging through your barbeque equipment, you come across a bunch of document boxes with the initials “DJT” in your garage

9.) Due to road construction, the town 4^th of July parade has been rerouted through your back yard

8.) The band you hired to add a patriotic touch to your picnic turns out to be a Russian group named Vladimir and the Oligarchs

7.) Your neighbors show up carrying AR-15's after the pickleball tournament you're holding starts getting a little loud

6.) You discover the case of hot dogs you saved to grill today has an expiration date of 1999 on it

5.) Your obnoxious uncle shows up to your picnic and starts ranting about how the election was stolen

4.) Your picnic is cut short by the EMS showing up to tend to everyone choking on smoke from the Canadian wildfires

3.) George Santos shows up and starts relating stories about his great great great grandfather, Thomas Jefferson

2.) You discover that those fireworks you bought at the dollar store are worth every penny you paid for them – pffft!

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'RE HAVING A BAD 4TH OF JULY...

United Airlines has decided to give all its employees the day off – Enjoy sleeping in the airport!

A Memorial Day To Forget?

Memorial Day 2022. We all had such high hopes for this year that everything would turn around and we could look forward to our country getting back on the right path. After all, that's the way it always works out here in the USA, right?

Well, sadly maybe not -- at least not this year. With all the confusion, violence, misinformation, legal and political tussles and the cost of everything going sky high, it's no wonder we look upon our holidays this year with a certain degree of fear and trepidation. However, it's my intention to help try and cheer you up by letting you know that if none of the following things happen (or at least most of none of the following things), you've survived to celebrate another day. And so, dear friends, here are the...

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE HAVING A BAD MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND

10.) AN ANGRY MOB JUST SHOWED UP AT YOUR FRONT DOOR AND TOLD YOU “WE'RE PRETENDING IT'S JANUARY 6 AND YOUR HOUSE IS THE CAPITOL”

9.) YOU HAD TO TAKE OUT A SECOND MORTGAGE IN ORDER TO BUY THAT RACK OF RIBS FOR YOUR COOKOUT ON MONDAY

8.) YOUR NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOR JUST SENT HIS KIDS OVER TO SIPHON GASOLINE OUT OF YOUR TOYOTA HYBRID

7.) YOU'RE LESS WORRIED ABOUT RAIN SPOILING YOUR WEEKEND THAN YOU ARE ABOUT YOUR PARTY TENT BEING BROUGHT DOWN BY A COUPLE OF RUSSIAN MISSILES 

6.) YOUR TOWN'S MEMORIAL DAY PARADE THIS YEAR CONSISTS ENTIRELY OF FIRST RESPONDERS PASSING OUT COVID HOME TESTS

5.) DUE TO BUDGET CUTS, THAT FLYOVER BY THE BLUE ANGELS DURING YOUR TOWN'S MEMORIAL DAY SERVICES WAS CANCELLED AND REPLACED BY ONE GUY DOING ACROBATICS ON A BIPLANE

4.) YOU WENT TO THE STORE TO PICK UP A BAG OF CHARCOAL AND WERE TRAMPLED BY A BUNCH OF NEW MOTHERS WHO HEARD THAT A SHIPMENT OF BABY FORMULA JUST ARRIVED

3.) THANKS TO INFLATION, THAT $39 MATTRESS YOU PLANNED ON BUYING HAS SHOT UP TO $598

2.) AT THE FAMILY PICNIC, YOU ACCIDENTALLY MENTION YOUR UNCLE WHO FLED TO CANADA DURING THE VIETNAM WAR

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING THAT WILL COMPLETELY RUIN YOUR MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND (AND DESERVEDLY SO)...

THE NRA JUST VOTED YOU ITS "MAN OF THE YEAR"

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

  -- Thomas Pynchon

The Brady Bluff

OK, so if you were in Vegas yesterday (or anywhere else where gambling is legal), you may have figured that sooner or later, it'd be even money that Tom Brady would reconsider retiring  -- and whether it's because of a deep personal insecurity, his kids keep pestering him to take them to Disney World or his generosity in maybe buying a relative that condo in Miami they always dreamed of, it's now official: he'll be back with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers  for the 2022 season, a fact I never doubted would happen. 

And why was I so sure about this news? Because I got the inside scoop from someone who knows all the Brady family secrets -- Gisele's pedicurist, Madame Le Foote. It seems that there is no single piece of juicy family info that Mrs. Brady doesn't eventually let slip down her legs to her  feet and ultimately between her toes. At any rate, here then for all you football fans, (pro- and anti-Brady alike) are the:

TOP 10 REASONS WHY TOM BRADY IS UNRETIRING

10.) WANTS TO SEE WHO WILL LAST LONGER – HIM OR QUEEN ELIZABETH

9.) IT'S GETTING EXPENSIVE TO BUY ALL THE RAW MEAT THAT HE HAS TO TOSS TO ROB GRONKOWSKI

8.) HOPES TO KEEP PLAYING LONG ENOUGH TO WIN 11 SUPER BOWL RINGS – 10 FOR THE FINGERS AND ONE FOR WHEREVER ELSE HE WANTS TO WEAR IT

7.) DONALD TRUMP PROMISED HIM A FREE WEEKEND AT MAR A LAGO IF HE PLAYS 10 MORE SEASONS

6.) IS EMBARRASSED BY THE FACT THAT WIFE GISELE CLAIMS HIM AS A RETIRED ELDERLY DEPENDENT ON HER TAX RETURN

5.) JUST SIGNED A CONTRACT TO ENDORSE AGE-DEFYING CHEWABLE GUMMY BEAR STEROIDS AND WANTS TO PROVE THEY WORK

4.) PAYING TO HAVE A BUNCH OF TOM BRADY FANS WILDLY CHEERING FOR HIM IN EVERY ROOM OF HIS HOUSE IS JUST GETTING TOO PRICEY

3.) HAVING TO SIT AT HOME ALL DAY BINGE WATCHING EPISODES OF “DR. PIMPLE POPPER” IS MAKING HIM STIR CRAZY

2.) JUST CAN'T RESIST THE URGE TO KEEP TRYING TO DEFLATE HIS BALLS

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY TOM BRADY IS UNRETIRING...

BRETT FAVRE TOLD HIM THAT IF YOU ONLY RETIRE ONCE, NO ONE WILL NOTICE

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

  -- Thomas Pynchon

Super Blahs

Ah, it's finally here. Super Bowl LVI. (56 for those of you who skipped out on Latin class in high school.) And regardless of whether it's at some corner sports bar where everybody knows your name or in an elegant penthouse suite somewhere in the stratosphere where you're mingling with the mighty, rich and famous, you're ready to make the most of the day, from your online parlays to hopefully cheering for your favorite team who's made it this far. Nothing can go wrong.

Or can it?  Once you show up at your Super Soiree, it should soon become apparent from what's going on around you that you're not going to have the fun evening you expected to have. Little things will start to happen that let you know that this is not the evening of raucous fun, team spirit and raw energy you were planning on indulging in. And so, to prepare you for that  possibility and give you some clues as to where the evening may be headed, I'm offering the:

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE AT A BAD SUPER BOWL PARTY

10.) The Buffalo wings still have all their feathers attached

9.) First prize in the party's Super Bowl pool is a year's supply of Ivermectin 

8.) Miley Cyrus' top just fell off into the guacamole dip

7) Donald Trump is wandering around muttering “It's rigged, we all know it's rigged” and you don't know whether he's talking about the game or still talking about the election

6.) A Buffalo Bills fan just jumped on the buffet table, smashing it to pieces

5.) Someone keeps switching the big-screen TV over to NBC Peacock to watch the Olympic pairs ice dancing competition

4.) People start leaving to head for what they hear is a really good Super Bowl party at Denny's

3.) Snoop Dogg stops by before the halftime show to do a joint, filling the room with smoke and causing everyone to get so high that they completely forget why they're partying

2.) Matt Gaetz suggests that you and he cut out early and go looking for some underaged cheerleaders

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'RE AT A BAD SUPER BOWL PARTY

Tom Brady is trying to deflate the cheese balls

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

  -- Thomas Pynchon

Holiday Cybershopping -- I'll Pass (2021 Edition)

Some years back, I wrote about how my reaction to going out and performing my gift-buying duties generally stirs up some creative juices in me and gets me writing about such things. But as I thought it over, I realized the fear of actually heading out  to real stores and purchasing something is far less in my mind than the horror of going online and divulging all your personal info to complete strangers so someone in Mountain View, CA (or maybe India -- or the Philippines) can end up having a good laugh at your expense knowing you're buying Grandma a new commode with a padded toilet seat for Christmas.

And while I know that it supposed to save us all hours of running around from one mall to another, exhausting our energy and emptying our wallets and gas tanks in less time than it takes Donald Trump to insult a half dozen ethnicities,  once you think about it, cyber shopping presents a whole new set of hazards and issues to deal with which should put you off from even touching the keyboard on your iPad 6. And as a result, if you're anything like me, you'll probably wait until 5:50 pm on Dec. 24 to start your trek, anxiously plotting out a route on your GPS,  knowing your family will be OK with the usual assortment of thoughtful gifts that they'll find beneath the tree the next morning which you've so carefully and discriminatingly
selected at the only gas station/minimart you could find that's still open: lottery scratch-off tickets, bags of stale beef jerky and Cheetos, and a half empty 12-pack of Coors Light.

On the other hand, for those of you who dare take that step into cyberspace to accomplish your task, you might want to watch out for these pitfalls:

TOP 10 REASONS TO AVOID HOLIDAY CYBER SHOPPING

10.) You start cybershopping in your underwear, and a message pops up on your screen that says "I can see you shopping in your underwear"

9.) The Amazon driver keeps tossing your packages on your roof

8.) You ordered a 46" flat screen Hi Def TV with Digital Surround Sound and 3D Picture. What shows up at your door is a 26" Schwinn 3-speed with a broken chain and no seat

7.) You think you got the deal of a lifetime by saving $200 on a final sale laptop only to find out that it'll be $100 less at BestBuy on December 26

6.) The Amazon driver keeps tossing your packages on your neighbor's roof

5.) After the website you're trying to order from has crashed for the eighth time in 10 minutes you call their 800 number to hear: "Thank you for calling our customer service hotline. Your time is valuable to us. Please stay on the line and a customer service rep will assist you as soon as possible.  The current estimated waiting time is two and a half days."

4.) Turns out that auction site that you were buying all your stuff from is run by the Russians

3.) The Amazon driver leaves one of your packages on the roof of your car. When you get home, the package is there but the car's been stolen

2.) That annoying kid down the street who keeps hacking into your WiFi is threatening you with blackmail because he knows about the sex toys you ordered

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON TO AVOID HOLIDAY CYBERSHOPPING...

Every time a shopping mall cash register bell rings, another Victoria's Secret Angel gets her wings


Happy Virtual Holidays, Everyone!

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

  

-- Thomas Pynchon