A-Haunting We Will Go

Ah, yes -- All Hallows Eve. The one day out of the year (besides maybe St. Patrick's day) when we can all dress like kids do and make total asses out of ourselves and get enjoyably and thoroughly drunk in the process.  

But hold on just a second.  What if October 31 takes an unexpected bad turn and things start to happen that ruin your fun and merriment? Kind of puts a damper on everything; your partying, your Trick or Treating, your T-P-ing your neighbor's house and shrubbery... So just to  make sure you know all the warning signs of what may turn out to be a hollow holiday, here are the...

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE HAVING A BAD HALLOWEEN

10.) You just found out this year's hit party game is “Boofing for Apples”

9.) You arrive at a party dressed as Donald Trump's tax returns. You leave the party stuffed in a paper shredder

8.) Barack and Michelle Obama arrive at your front door for your party and someone calls the police to report two black people breaking into your house

7.) You go to rent a costume and find the only three left are Brett Kavanaugh, Chuck Grassley, and Lindsey Graham in a feather tutu

6.) You just rang the doorbell at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. dressed as Jeff Sessions when you get a presidential alert on your cell phone that says “Go Away”

5.) You just learned you're the guest of honor at the Saudi consulate's pumpkin carving party

4.) You have to break up a fight between Eric and Donald Jr. who are arguing over which one of them should go out dressed as Hoda and which one as Kathie Lee

3.) You stop at Bill Cosby's house and see a sign on the door that says “SORRY, NOT HOME FOR THE NEXT 3 TO 10 HALLOWEENS”

2.) You booked Stormy Daniels to jump out out of a giant pumpkin at your party. What showed up was Sara Sanders climbing out of a septic tank

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'RE HAVING A BAD HALLOWEEN...

Megyn Kelly shows up at your front door in blackface

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                     "Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon

Quick, Take My Temperature! I've Got Lottery Fever!

Well, tonight should hopefully be a big night for someone --  and I'm not just referring to any fans of the Red Sox or the Dodgers.  I'm referring of course to  to the $1.6 Billion jackpot that the Mega Millions Lottery has shot up to; and just like we all dream of what we could do with those kinds of riches,  we also have to come back down to earth and face the reality of any of us ever winning such a prize. Because, since the odds of winning are are about 300 million to one (or roughly the equivalent of a New York city real estate mogul with no political experience being elected president -- but I digress), we should early on start looking for clues that today just isn't our lucky day. So in order to soften the pain of losing a little bit, I present the...

TOP 10 SIGNS THAT YOU PROBABLY WON'T WIN THE LOTTERY

10.) Your brother-in-law who hasn't put in an honest day's work in over 20 years, suggests you go 50/50 with him on a ticket

9.) The line of people at your local convenience store waiting to buy tickets is longer than the line waiting to pass through security at LAX

8.) Everyone in your office pool kicks in a couple of bucks and the the money is turned over to the guy who's suspected of stealing lunches out of the fridge

7.) You just developed a new software program which will guarantee that you win when your cat walks across your keyboard and crashes your computer

6.) You had the Buffalo Bills' offensive coordinator pick your numbers for you

5.) You get an email from a Nigerian princess saying she has the winning numbers and will share them with you– all she needs is your banking information

4.) Your financial advisor convinces you to take the $500 you were going to spend on lottery tickets and use it to buy stock in Sears & Roebuck

3.) Just as you're about to pay for a ticket, you're struck by lightning

2.) You discover you have the winning numbers just as Donald Trump announces that he is voiding the results because ”millions of illegals are crossing the border to buy lottery tickets”

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN THAT YOU PROBABLY WON'T WIN THE LOTTERY...

You didn't bother to buy a ticket because nobody you know ever wins those damn things

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                     "Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon

A Harry Mess

For those of you who plan on getting up and watching the royal wedding between Prince Harry and his betrothed Meghan Markle at 4:00 am EDT this coming Saturday, good luck and I hope you enjoy yourselves. (I'll still be tucked cozily in bed, dreaming about why I never became the fifth Beatle.)  And for those of you who were actually invited to the wedding, you can count yourselves among the lucky few who scored an invite to an historic occasion on a first-hand basis.

Or then again, maybe not so lucky. Because while royal weddings don't come along every day with all the pomp and circumstance you can imagine and we certainly wish the bride and groom many years of wedded bliss (or at least as many as Harry's father and uncle had with their first wives), there are always little things that can pop up that might indicate that the proceedings aren't going quite as well as the wedding planner had promised; and if you're actually there in person, you may find that there are a few mishaps that could leave you with the feeling that instead of the day being one of memories to last a lifetime, you were quite possibly royally screwed. Therefore, as a reminder to just keep an eye out for such mishaps, here are the:

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE HAVING A BAD ROYAL WEDDING EXPERIENCE

10) You're not sure whether you're actually supposed to be there because your wedding invitation was addressed to “Occupant”

9) Kate and William are sitting right behind you with their newborn so you have to endure the whole service with the kid screaming in your ear

8) Michael Cohen is going around telling all the guests “Look, for only half a mil I can get you access to the entire royal family”

7) Your coach-and-four gets ticketed for parking in a “No Equine” zone

6) You discover that you and Dame Edna are wearing the same dress 

5) In a moment of unfortunate timing, just as Her Majesty Elizabeth emerges from her carriage, the band starts playing Elton John's “The Bitch Is Back”

4) That cheap toaster you got them for a wedding gift in return got you a fortnight in the Tower

3) Just as the vicar is about to pronounce the happy couple man and wife, Daniel Craig crashes through the roof on a hang glider

2) The guy sitting next to you with the orange comb-over and wearing the fake beard and sunglasses leans over and whispers “You know, they could have really done this up bigly if they'd booked it at Mar a Lago”

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'RE HAVING A BAD ROYAL WEDDING EXPERIENCE...

Instead of Windsor Castle, your GPS unit sends you to Windsor. Ontario

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                     "Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon

RUDY (No, Not The Football Legend)

Funny thing about Donald Trump's legal defense team: just like his presidency itself, it keeps getting weirder and weirder.  And just like Trump himself, every time  someone opens his or her mouth to defend him, it leads to more conflict and lies.

So what does Trump do? He hires what he believes must be one of the finest legal minds that is at least still speaking to him; a man who at this point is so far past his prime that his thinking processes have more holes in them than Swiss cheese. I'm referring, of course to the famous (or infamous) Rudy Giuliani who has hopped on board the Trump Titanic and become his public legal spokesman.

The trouble with that is that just as if the captain of the Titanic told one of his crewmen that the ship was running low on ice and ordered him to see what he could do about it, Rudy seems to have grabbed the wheel and steered the ship directly toward the iceberg. In a little over a month since being hired, he's created enough controversy and scandal to keep Robert Mueller and the US Attorney's office in New York happily employed for the next 10 years.  

And what else has he revealed that probably makes him the worst choice to speak on behalf of the president at this point?  Well, thanks to my inside sources (the janitor at Fox News who empties out the mini-fridge in Sean Hannity's office twice a year) I've gotten a peek at some of the other things that barely missed being made public and would have made Ol' Rudy an even bigger laughing stock than he already is. So, without further pause, here are the...

TOP 10 GAFFES RUDY GIULIANI'S MADE SINCE JOINING TRUMP'S LEGAL TEAM

10.) “There never was a meeting at Trump Tower between Trump's campaign and some Russians, and there never will be again, either”

9.) “Did I say Jared's expendable? I meant defendable – I meant dependable -- I meant deplorable”

8.) “The president repaid Cohen, and Putin repaid the president”

7.) “I keep getting Robert Mueller and Dennis Miller confused. Which one's doing the investigation?"

6.) “I'm not sure what date 9/11 happened on. The president keeps saying it was 7/11 and I'm still getting up to speed on that”

5.) “He's not only the healthiest president we've ever had, he's the horniest”

4.) “The president's been so busy getting our country back on the right track he's barely had time to fit in 111 rounds of golf”

3.)  “I can confirm to you that the president and Kim Jong Un are all set for a top secret meeting – at Mar a Lago – on May 25^th – at 10:00 a.m – in the main dining room”

2.) “If the president weren't already married to his daughter Ivanka, he most certainly'd be dating her”

AND THE NUMBER ONE GAFFE RUDY GIULIANI'S MADE SINCE JOINING TRUMP'S LEGAL TEAM...

“These are all legal questions you're asking me. How am I supposed to know the answers?”

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                     "Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon

It's Eight O'Clock -- Do You Know Where Your Draft Picks Are?

Well, once again it's time for one of those occasions during the course of the year that every football fan waits for with anticipation and anxiety, wondering if their favorite team is going to  do something that can either make their hometown heroes an instant winner, or (Dare I even say it, Buffalo?) perhaps even a Super Bowl contender?

Yes, it's the NFL draft, a three day orgy of useless information, absurd predictions and phony drama so important to NFL stats freaks that if it was a Catholic feast, it'd be a holy day of obligation.  On the other hand, it's great to see some of these young men who've toiled on the fields of their alma maters for four (or three, or two) years get their big chance to realize a lifelong dream -- and you get the chance to see in how many different directions Mel Kiper Jr. can stretch his mouth muscles

But hold on.  Suddenly during the course of the names being called out and the players being picked off one by one, it becomes apparent that there are a few All Americans and bowl game MVPs who for some reason are being bypassed. And why is that? Simply that once the people from the 32 NFL teams start digging into the background of some of these players they decide that well, he might be good, but he's not the right fit for us. And what are these flaws they may have the sad fortune to possess? 

Well, that's where I come in.  Thanks to one of my inside sources at NFL Headquarters (the guy who empties the paper shredder three times a month), I've been given an inside look at what the GM of every team in the league is NOT looking for when deciding to draft a player. And so, for all you fanatics who will be glued to your TVs tomorrow night and wondering why your favorite sure-bet guy from Boise State didn't get picked, here are the:

TOP 10 CHARACTERISTICS YOU DON'T WANT IN A PLAYER YOU'RE DRAFTING

10.) Had a summer job wrestling alligators – is now known as “Lefty”

9.) In an amazing feat of strength, once lifted all 40 of his teammates' wallets

8.) If he's drafted by the Raiders, hopes their  move to Las Vegas won't adversely affect his gambling habit

7.) Thinks a pulled hamstring is a dish on the menu of the local BBQ joint

6.) Told NFL scouts that the only reason he wants to be drafted is so he can catch a photo op of himself sharing a man hug with Roger Goodell

5.) Once got suspended for trying to tackle the team bus  

4.) Turned down a football scholarship to Ohio State because he couldn't spell “Ohio”

3.) Wants to get drafted by Cleveland so he can spend all his free time getting high and wandering around the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame

2.) Can't wait for the chance to start dating Taylor Swift as soon as she dumps Travis Kelce

AND THE NUMBER ONE CHARACTERISTIC YOU DON'T WANT IN A PLAYER YOU'RE DRAFTING...

Thinks the Chargers are still in San Diego

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                     "Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon

The Comey Chronicles, Bizarro Edition

So last week when the notes that former FBI Director James Comey reportedly wrote after meeting with Donald Trump were leaked to the press and the public, we essentially learned all we needed to learn about what went on in that infamous meeting between the two of them, didn't we?... Didn't we?

Well, actually no. Evidently Comey was smart enough to hold one page of his notes back -- notes which could be the most damning of all for the Trump presidency. But thanks to my inside sources at the Federal Bureau of Investigation (the guy who sells hot dogs and soft drinks from a cart outside FBI headquarters -- try him, his prices are reasonable), I now have in my possession  a transcript of that final page, and you, my dear friends will be the first to see it. So without further delay (and with  a federal subpoena probably hanging over my head from this moment on), here are the 

TOP 10 NOTES JAMES COMEY WROTE AFTER MEETING WITH DONALD TRUMP

10.) Keeps an emergency McDonald's Happy Meal in his desk just in case of nuclear war

9.) Thought Rudy Giuliani was much more appealing as a woman

8.) Wondered if I happened to know any Playboy centerfold models or Russian hookers – said he was asking for a friend

7.) If you blow on his hair, you'll startle the family of grasshoppers living in it

6.) Said his favorite poem begins with “There was a young man from Nantucket”

5.) Told me his endearing pet nickname for Sean Hannity is “That lyin' sack of Irish potatoes”

4.) Kept asking me to check a suspicious discolored mole he had in a place where I didn't want to look

3.) Wondered if I could tell him where Syria was – said he was asking for a friend

2.) Knew all along that Obama was really born in Hawaii. Only said he was born in Kenya because Eric and Donald Jr. kept asking him where black people come from

AND THE NUMBER ONE NOTE JAMES COMEY WROTE AFTER MEETING WITH DONALD TRUMP...

Told me I could look forward to getting plenty of mentions in his future tweets

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                     "Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon

Humpty Trumpty Sat On His Wall...

It seems as though lately Donald Trump's efforts to find a source for paying for his wall has run into a few dead ends. Mexico refuses to pay for it, money for it wasn't written into this year's spending bill and the notion he has to get the military to fork over $35 billion isn't sitting too well with Congress. So in order to solve this problem, The Donald has  had to do some creative thinking, and due to my inside contacts at the White House (the guy I met the other day who was throwing his ice cream wrapper over the fence on Pennsylvania Ave.), I've learned that Donald has come up with a list of the...

TOP 10 IDEAS TRUMP HAS FOR WHO'S GOING TO PAY FOR THE WALL

10.) Prince Harry and Megan's wedding guests

9.) Kim Jung Un

8.) Stormy Daniels

7.)  “Crooked Hillary”

6.) Robert Mueller

5.) Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer and every attorney he's had who's quit on him

4.) Rosie O'Donnell

3.) Eric and Donald Jr.'s piggy banks

2.) The last graduating class from Trump University

AND THE NUMBER ONE IDEA TRUMP HAS FOR WHO'S GOING TO PAY FOR THE WALL...

Everyone one who bought a “MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN” baseball cap

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon