Since what’s being advertised is nothing more than a common beer, the ad guys obviously thought it best to play up their product by having it be endorsed by “the most interesting man in the world,” a man who (according to the commercials) can affect the fabric of our existence in some of the following ways:
When in Rome, they do as he does…
His words carry weight that would break a less interesting man’s jaw…
He’s won trophies for his game face alone…
If he were to pat you on the back you would list it on your resume… [hey, Jenny McCarthy actually did that to me! Check my resume, line 28]
Both sides of his pillow are cool…
He has dissected frogs that are alive and happy to this day… [he obviously never attended a 10th grade biology class]
Well, considering that I will probably never cross paths with this most interesting and unique of men (in fact I doubt if any of us ever will, unless you’re his agent, his girlfriend or the concierge at the hotel in Vegas where he likes to drop half a mil or so three or four times a year), I thought it might be fun to start a search for someone who’d be much easier to locate -- hence, I’m initiating my pursuit of “The Most UNinteresting Man In The World" (and all you smartasses who know me, I don't want to hear any "Hey Tom, why don't you just look in the mirror?" crap!)...
First off, I have to determine what characteristics would define such a man -- and I came up with a few parameters with which to begin:
His modest studio apartment located in the geographical center of Nebraska is decorated in a tasteful grey on grey theme…
At the age of 50, he still wears Banlon polo shirts that his mother gave him for his 21st birthday…
He likes to while away his spare hours playing checkers with himself, just so he can see how high he can make the red stacks versus the black stacks and vice versa…
He once had his jaw broken by a 2 1/2 foot tall circus clown…
His idea of a gourmet sandwich is peanut butter and jelly with a slice of American cheese on white bread...
He thinks that WHEEL OF FORTUNE is the most intellectually stimulating show on TV…
As soon as his black Chevy Impala reaches exactly the 45,000 mile mark on exactly its third anniversary, he trades it in on another black Chevy Impala…
The next time his rotary phone malfunctions, he’s committed himself to thinking about stepping up to one of those new pushbutton types…
When he sleeps, he doesn’t use a pillow, preferring instead a fluffed up Hefty kitchen trashbag full of material that's oozed out of the cushions of his sofa…
He’s convinced that Mrs. Garrett from THE FACTS OF LIFE is the sexiest woman on the face of the Earth…
His idea of social networking is calling his neighbors and asking if they remember that he lives next door to them…
He doesn’t own a computer, preferring to get all his news and information from reading the headlines on the newspaper in the window of the vending machine down the street…
The first time he ever tried to use an ATM, he caught his hand in a slot and nearly deposited himself to death…
He thinks that guy on TV doing the “Dos Equis” commercials is actually endorsing something called “Those Ickys”…
Well, that’s a start… Any further suggestions? Worse yet, any of these hit eerily close to home? (you might want to think about getting a life, then)…
Stay thirsty, my friends... And stay away from the geographical center of Nebraska...
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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."
-- Thomas Pynchon
