Good-Bye To 2017, Hello To -- Do I Even Want To Know?

It's said that we are shaped in part by both our life experiences and what goes on in the larger world around us.  If that's the case, then should you have the occasion to be invited somewhere to ring out the old year and ring in the new, you may find that national and world events will have an effect on any party you attend this year, which may or may not leave a bad taste in your champagne-numbed mouth; so in order that you may be forewarned before venturing out tomorrow night to celebrate in the grand old style, here are a few thing to be aware of if you want to judge how the evening is going...

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE AT A BAD NEW YEAR'S EVE PARTY

10.) Chris Christie is spotted stuffing jumbo shrimp into his pockets

9.) You run into Kellyanne Conway, Sarah Huckabee Sanders and Ann Coulter – and Ann Coulter is the normal one

8.) You're at her majesty Queen Elizabeth's proper and formal party when Harry and Megan burst in and shout “Surprise! We eloped!”

7.) You're the only one there not wearing an outfit from The Ivanka Collection

6.) To fight the freezing temps in Time Square, Ryan Seacrest offers to let you borrow his best set of thermal underwear – after he takes it off

5.) Your hosts Christina and Tarek El Moussa start arguing over who should get the noisemakers and party hats in the divorce settlement

4.) The only other three people to show up are Charlie Rose, Matt Lauer and Bill O'Reilly

3.) You arrive at the Kim Kardashian party to find no one has yet left last year's Kim Kardashian party

2.) At the White House party, instead of “Auld Lang Syne”, the band plays “The Volga Boatman”

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'RE AT A BAD NEW YEAR'S EVE PARTY...

Your invitation to Robert Mueller's bash comes with a subpoena

Happy New Year, everyone!

************************************************************* 

"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon

Sing We Now Of -- Christmas?!

Well, dear readers, the holidays are once again virtually upon us; and I know that for many of us, the second Christmas dealing with Donald Trump being in charge of our country doesn't give us pause to believe  that the words "peace on earth, good will toward men" has much meaning any more.  This year the sentiments were more like "Tweet first, then lie bigly to cover it up later."

But then I found out from my crack White House undercover spy (the guy that cleans the windows in the White House guard gates) that the man actually does have a weak spot.  He enjoys listening to his favorite holiday songs (so to speak), a fact of which once we're aware, can maybe soften our hearts and lighten that feeling of despair which has fallen over us since Nov. 8, 2016.  So without further delay, I present to you...

DONALD TRUMP'S TOP 10 FAVORITE CHRISTMAS SONGS

10.) “Away In A MAGA”

9.) “Have Yourself A Mar a Lago Christmas”

8.) “I Saw Melania Kissing Vladi Claus”

7.) “It Came Upon the Midnight Clear, The Nuke We Fired At Kim Jung Un”

6.) “You're A Mean One, Mr. Flynn”

5.) “I'm Dreaming Of An All-White Christmas”

4.) “Silver Walls, Silver Walls, It's Christmas Time On The Border”

3.) “Mueller Got Run Over By A Reindeer”

2.) “Oh, By Gosh, By Golly, It's Time For Mistletoe And P***y”

AND DONALD TRUMP'S NUMBER ONE FAVORITE CHRISTMAS SONG...

“All I Want For Christmas Is My Tax Bill Passed”

************************************************************* 

"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon

As We Gather....

Well, once again we've come to the time of the year when we begin to think of family and friends -- and how none of us has probably spoken to each other over the last 12 months; so while thinking that now would be a good time to lay down our grievances and disagreements and renew our  friendships and love for family members, we also start to think about what could go wrong on this day that would disrupt our peace and intentions to give thanks. And so as has been my custom in the past, I'll now present for 2017...

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE HAVING A BAD THANKSGIVING

10.) Jeff Sessions claims he doesn't recall being at your house for dinner that day

9.) New Republican tax plan adds a surcharge for cornbread stuffing and yams

8.) Your free range, grain-fed steroid-free turkey just got up and walked off the table

7.) Sarah Huckabee Sanders stops by to tell you that it isn't Thanksgiving unless the president says it is

6.) An Amazon drone just re-enacted the WKRP Thanksgiving episode with the turkey you ordered from Whole Foods

5.) Just as you're digging into your slice of pumpkin pie, everyone rushes to clear the table and head to Walmart

4.) The Macy's parade is hit with scandal as seven women come forward to accuse the Pillsbury Dough Boy balloon of groping

3.) That turkey you just deep-fried to a burnt crisp comes with another piece of bad news: Domino's is closed on Thanksgiving

2.) Roy Moore invites your 15-year-old daughter over to his place for Thanksgiving dinner

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'RE HAVING A BAD THANKSGIVING...

One full year of Donald Trump and you're still trying to find something to be thankful for 

Happy Thanksgiving, All!

Halloween Nightmare? No Thanks, I've Already Had One

Once again it's that time of year when everyone seemingly loses their head (sometimes literally, depending on what costume they're wearing) and lets loose  for a night of ghoulies, ghosties and orgies -- and experience the drive through hell on the way home when they can't focus on the road ahead and keep retching out the driver's door window.

But setting good times aside for the moment, you may discover that you've happened on a real clunker of a party at which death by beheading may seem to be a preferable alternative. However, before you wander into that party with your single Cyclops eye wide open, it might be helpful to be prepared in advance for such an occurrence in order to make a clean getaway across the bridge where the Headless  Horseman  can't trap you. And so with that in mind, I present...

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE AT A BAD HALLOWEEN PARTY

10.) “Bobbing for Apples” has been replaced by “Bombing for Kim Jung Un”

9.) Rosie O'Donnell shows up dressed as Steve Bannon; Steve Bannon shows up dressed as Rosie O'Donnell – you can't tell who's who

8.) The party turns out to be politically correct so everyone is required to wish everyone else “Happy Hallow-days!”

7.) Your invitation to Robert Mueller's party says “P.S. Please be accompanied by legal representation”

6.) The three scariest things playing on the big screen are "Frankenstein," "Dracula," and a video of Kellyanne Conway in the outfit she wore to the inauguration

5.) Eric and Donald Trump Jr. keep arguing over which end of the horse's costume each of them is going to wear

4.) At the zombie theme party, everyone comes dressed as a FEMA agent

3.) Hoda and Kathie Lee are playing “Bobbing For Martini Olives”

2.) Bill O'Reilly offers you $32 million to let him loofah you out of your Wonder Woman costume

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'RE AT A BAD HALLOWEEN PARTY...

It's at Harvey Weinstein's house

************************************************************* 

"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon

Going Bald? Then Sing Your Way To Hair Restoration!

I'm at the age now where I've started to lose a few hairs now and then and find a few in my comb -- OK, I'm pretty bald. and I know for many men (and some women) it's a stage of life that we'd rather not go through, and so we start to look for  any solution we can find from drugs to plugs to toupees and wigs (and in some cases can barely afford)  to reverse the process of our fast-thinning crop.  

I began to think however that there's one remedy that seems to have had universal acceptance over the years, and I thought that maybe the application of that combined with something that seems to put us all in a more relaxed state and gets the blood flowing to those starving follicles on our noggins might be a sure-fire way back to a full head of hair. So I came up with a new procedure: Singing!

That's right, folks. The next time you visit your local karaoke, open mic night, or are just puttering around the house, let those vocal cords help restore that crop that started to go missing from your head since the age of 30. I've even provided a song and a backing track to help you begin. And so without further delay, I present my guaranteed cure for baldness:

“Rogaine”

(sung to the tune of "Cocaine" as done by Eric Clapton)

If you're losing your hair there's no need to despair – Rogaine!

And if you scream and you shout each time another falls out – Rogaine!

Don't despair,

Keep your hair,

It's all there – Rogaine!

If your love life's a dud because your head's like a spud – Rogaine!

If you want to get chicks you'd better buy the mix – Rogaine!

Head's a spud,

Life's a dud,

Wake up, Bud – Rogaine!

(Instrumental Bridge)

If you think you can't cope, well there still is hope – Rogaine!

So remember, my friend, it all works out in the end  – Rogaine!

There's still hope,
You can cope,
You're no dope – Rogaine!

************************************************************* 

"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon

Geography 101 - Donald Trump Style

Okay, so we all had a good laugh about the fact that Donald Trump made up a country out of thin air when addressing the African representatives at the UN this week.  But I started wondering: Maybe that was an indication that he thinks that there are a lot of countries out there that we've never heard that he wants to bring to our attention, just so his rich buddies can go into them, take what they want out of them and get richer. After all, according to Donald, isn't that what life is all about?

As a result, I've decided to let you all know about some of the other countries that Donald sees inside his head that you may never have heard of -- and the way things are going, at some point, we all may end up existing only inside his head. So with the utmost expedience, here are the...

TOP 10 COUNTRIES DONALD TRUMP THINKS REALLY EXIST

10.) Rumumba

9.) Nambipambia

8.) Munchkin Land

7.) Guacamola

6.) Wheat Czech Republic

5.) Kingdom of Melania

4.) Macaroon

3.) Komickonistan

2.) Sri Vanka

AND THE NUMBER ONE COUNTRY DONALD TRUMP THINKS REALLY EXISTS...

Any country that's willing to pay for the wall

************************************************************* 

"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon

Sorry, Charlie

A rumor started to spread a couple of weeks ago that Queen Elizabeth, in an effort to more closely endear the royal family to its subjects and to preserve her own reputation as still being a "with it" monarch (in her own head at least), had decided to announce that her grandson Prince William would succeed her on the throne, thereby  completely bypassing her son  Prince Charles, who in the order of royal succession, would normally be next in line.

As it was, the story turned out  not to be true, but it gets one thinking about what would be going through Charles' mind if it actually DID happen and how he would react to such an unprecedented situation: anger, frustration, or the chance to look upon it as unexpected opportunity? So once I decided to put myself inside the royal princely brain, I came up with the... 

TOP 10 THINGS PRINCE CHARLES MIGHT SAY IF HE WERE SKIPPED OVER AS KING

10.) “So I take it this means they'll be melting down my statue at Tussaud's?”

9.) “But Mummy, you always told me your favorite TV show was 'Charles In Charge'”

8) “Well I heard they're looking for a new James Bond. I wonder if they could use one with big ears who snivels a lot?”


7.) “And may I ask then, exactly WHAT throne did you plan on me sitting on for the rest of my natural life?”

6.) “Hello, Donald? It's Charles. I wonder if I might ask you for some tips on how to keep your – what's that? You've got an opening?”


5.) “Well if I can't be king, can I at least be queen? I mean I really don't mind wearing Spanx and a tiara”

4.) “Damn, you accidentally lock your mother out of the palace and she never lets you forget it”

3.) "Even my Willie's giving me the Royal Shaft"


2.) “But Mummy, if it's a choice between having either a horse's face or a horse's ass on the throne, then obviously either way I'm your man!"

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING PRINCE CHARLES MIGHT SAY IF HE WERE SKIPPED OVER AS KING...

         “Welcome to the Tower of London. My name is Charles and I'll be 
         your tour guide today”

************************************************************* 

"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon

Spicey, We Hardly Knew Ye (Thank God)

You really have to feel for Sean Spicer these days.  If he'd only stuck it out maybe another week or two, He'd probably still have his job once "The Mooch" was given the heave-ho. But we all make life decisions that we may or may not regret later, and the best thing is just to move on. 

However, given what we've learned about Mr. Spicer over the past six months, his background, experience, mindset and his personality, now that he does have to find new employment, there are a few career opportunities that for one reason or another, we probably won't hear about him pursuing. And with that in mind, here are...

TOP 10 JOBS SEAN SPICER PROBABLY WON'T BE TAKING

10.) Abercrombie & Fitch Catalogue Model

9.) Motivational Speaker at self-esteem seminars

8.) Public Relations Executive for Takata Airbags

7.) Walmart Greeter (“Lady, I can neither confirm or deny that we have, ever have had or ever will have that item in our store – stop shaking your head”)

6.) Suicide Prevention Hotline Operator

5.) Co-author of a book with Reince Priebus titled “Your Coworkers Can Be Your Friends!”

4.) Maitre D' at any restaurant patronized by Anthony Scaramucci

3.) Melissa McCarthy impersonator

2.) Personal groomer/walker for Donald Trump's hair 

AND THE NUMBER ONE JOB SEAN SPICER PROBABLY WON'T BE TAKING...

“Hey, kid – Easter Bunny this!”

************************************************************* 

"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon

Help Us, Gen. Kelly -- You're Our Only Hope!

Okay, so I think we can all admit that it's been a rough six months for us, considering the chaos that's been going on in our nation's capital, and in the White House in particular.  

But perhaps in a brief moment of sanity -- or dumb luck, take your pick -- Donald Trump has finally chosen a man as his new chief of staff who seems to have a reasonable level of competence and smarts to be able to deal with the daily disaster ("dumpster fire" seems too generous a term) we've all come to expect.

On the other hand, once Gen. John Kelly is sworn in today to his new post, he may find that things have been (ahem) piling up a little more than he realized and he's going to have to turn his attention to some things that require immediate action.  So for all of you who want to keep a scorecard, here's...

TOP 10 THINGS GEN. KELLY WILL HAVE TO DO ON HIS FIRST DAY ON THE JOB

10.) Show Kellyanne Conway the right way to sit on a couch

9.) Send Chris Christie out to get the president's lunch

8.) Distribute Russian-English dictionaries to everyone on his staff

7.) Re-order more hair product for Donald Jr.

6.) Start digging the sand traps for the golf course/resort Trump plans to open on the south lawn of the White House

5.) Give Anthony Scaramucci diction lessons by having him watch old tapes of John Travolta as Vinnie Barbarino in “Welcome Back, Kotter”

4.) Try to explain health care insurance to Donald Trump

3.) Peel the plastic Dymo labels off everything that has the name “Priebus” on it

2.) Buy Sarah Huckabee Sanders a mirror

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING GEN. KELLY WILL HAVE TO DO ON HIS FIRST DAY ON THE JOB...

Hope that things just keep going as smoothly as they have been!

************************************************************* 

"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon

What to Buy, What to Buy -- The Tablet Or The Ginger Root?

In this age of huge mega-mergers and surprising corporate acquisitions, the most recent high profile one seems to be the most unsettling. 

Yes, despite the Time Warner-Charter deal, Bayer buying Monsanto, and your favorite little corner neighborhood drugstore being swallowed up by Walgreen's, more people are expressing dismay about the Amazon-Whole Foods merger than any other.  So just to prepare you for what changes you might expect from both companies once the whole transaction goes through, here are: 

TOP 10 THINGS THAT YOU'LL NOTICE ABOUT THE AMAZON-WHOLE FOODS MERGER

10.) One wheel on your virtual shopping cart keeps locking up

9.) You can now purchase a gluten-free Kindle

8.) Whenever you call Amazon Customer Service to resolve a problem, you get a message that says “Please be at peace and hold the line. All operators are currently on a juice cleanse"

7.) You just found out that 60' HD flat screen TV you ordered is on sale for $150 less at Trader Joe's 

6.) The Amazon drone delivering your expensive order of organic guacamole keeps crashing into your garage door

5.) You open up that laptop you just had delivered to find it's growing sprouts

4.) All multi-grain breads sold after July 1, 2017 will come with a free upgrade to Windows 10

3.) Amazon credit card customers will now be able to pay off their accounts in Himalayan Goji Berries

2.) Every time you ask your Amazon Alexa a question, it responds with “You can find the answer at Whole Foods”

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING THAT YOU'LL NOTICE ABOUT THE AMAZON-WHOLE FOODS MERGER...

Buy a book, get a mango!

************************************************************* 

"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon

We Need A New FBI Director -- Who Ya Gonna Call?

Mixed in among all the chaos of the past three weeks with the firing of James Comey, and the laff-a-minute daily revelations about something else, one thing has been overlooked. Now that Comey's gone, who's going to run the FBI?

Well, my own personal sources (those voices in my head) have revealed  a few people who are at the top of Donald Trump's list, although like everything else he does, there's no rhyme or reason to them and he'll probably pop his choice on us as a surprise in a 5:00 am tweet.

At any rate, at the risk of leaking highly classified information (which everybody seems to be doing these days), here's what I've found out about Trump's top choices for a new FBI director, along with his thoughts about why they made the list. So without further delay,  I now present...

DONALD TRUMP'S TOP 10 CHOICES FOR A NEW FBI DIRECTOR

10.) 

Sean Spicer ("Nice guy, good man, loves gardening and landscaping")

9.)

Tim Allen ("Love his show, watch it all the time, just like me he's surrounded by beautiful women including his daughters, who I'd like to date")

8.)

Frederick Douglass ("He's been getting a lot of good mention lately and -- what do you mean he's dead?")

7.)

Kojak ("A real law and order -- what? He's dead too?!")

6.)

Bill O'Reilly ("A man after my own heart")

5.)

Chris Christie ("He's been pestering me to give him a job for months and I thought this might be a way to finally get rid of him")

4.)

Regis Philbin ("A fellow New Yorker, if he can make it there he can make it anywhere, including doing a great job of representing my administration in personal appearances at mid-western grain elevators")

3.)

Billy Bush ("No comment")

2.) 

Vladimir Putin ("My good friend Vladi whom I've never met, but I hear that he can say to people "Your fired!" and not have the fake liberal media get mad at him")

AND DONALD TRUMP'S NUMBER ONE CHOICE FOR A NEW FBI DIRECTOR...

("Because the FBI is a mess and I'm the only one who knows how to fix it")

************************************************************* 

"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon

St. Patrick's Day: Getting Your Shamrocks Off

Well friends, once again we've gone nearly 365 days without  everyone trying to prove how Irish we all can be. But the big test comes up on Friday when folks by the millions regardless of age, sex. race, nationality, creed or religion, become one with the sons and daughters of old Eire and ends up puking their brains out.

However, for those of you who expect to be a little more moderate in your celebrating but still plan on attending a party or two, there are some pitfalls you may want to be aware of beforehand, just so you'll know if the affair you end up going to turns out to bite the big shillelagh. And so, with out further delay, here are the... 

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE AT A BAD ST. PATRICK'S DAY PARTY

10.) You see Hillary Clinton sitting at a table in the corner draped over a half-empty bottle of Jameson's and muttering “It should've been me... It should've been me...”

9.) At Paul Ryan's party, you find out that the new Republican health care plan doesn't cover anyone named Seamus, Liam or Mary Margaret


8.) All the party hats were misprinted so everyone's wearing green derbies that read “KILL ME, I'M IRISH”

7.) Kellyanne Conway keeps pulling you over and telling you to talk directly into the Showtime Rotisserie Oven

6.) That Martha Stewart recipe for a traditional Irish dinner that you prepared for your guests is turning everyone's face the same color as the cabbage

5.) You get invited to the CIA party and when you ask for directions, they tell you “Check Wikileaks”

4.) You showed up at the Mar-A-Lago St. Patrick's Day party just in time to hear Donald Trump tell everyone his top secret plans to “nuke North Korea bigly!”

3.) Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway just arrived to announce the award for Best Leprachaun Costume


2.) You find yourself sitting at the same table with Jeff Sessions, Mike Flynn, Jared Kushner and some guy who introduces himself as Vladdy O'Putin

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'RE AT A BAD ST. PATRICK'S DAY PARTY...

You're positively convinced that Barack Obama tapped your keg of Guinness

************************************************************* 

"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon