With apologies to David Letterman (or maybe not, I doubt if he'd apologize to me for anything), I hereby present:
TOP 10 SIGNS YOU’RE HAVING A BAD HOLIDAY SHOPPING SEASON
10) Department store Santa Claus keeps following you around making lewd and obscene suggestions
9) Not even five years of running in the New York City Marathon prepared you for the mass of humanity trying to shove its way through the front door for that $19 laptop
8) Only one flat-screen TV left and three people want it: you, another customer and the store manager’s brother-in-law
7) The only place where you can still find Zhu Zhu Pets is down a dark alley where you have to knock on the door three times and ask for someone named "Louie"
6) Your husband tells you "Oh by the way, don't get me one of those (fill in the blank)" right after you've bought him one of those (fill in the blank)
5) Artificial tree you just bought is infested with bed bugs
4) Guy ringing the bell by the kettle outside the store looks suspiciously like the guy that mugged you last Christmas shopping season
3) You’ve run out of money, so you end up bartering your youngest child in exchange for a gift for Aunt Tillie
2) Kindly old greeter at Wal-Mart forces you to undergo an invasive pat-down before entering the store
AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU’RE HAVING A BAD HOLIDAY SHOPPING SEASON…
1) Your secret Christmas shopping list just showed up on WikiLeaks
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Holiday TV Movies You’ll Be Glad You Missed
Well, 'tis the season again… You’re asking “You mean the time for family, friends, turkeys, trees, lights, glitter and gifts?”… No, actually I’m referring to the season with all those really bad made for TV holiday movies.
Actually, I had the good fortune of being in one that was a cut above the rest a few years ago, “The Christmas Wish,” starring Debbie Reynolds, Neil Patrick Harris and Naomi Watts. But by and large, the majority of holiday filler movies that will grace our cable channels for the next month have an entertainment quotient that’s pretty much just about on a par with watching snow melt. -- For starters, see how any times you hear some character say “You just have to believe!“ throughout the course of one day’s worth of these turkeys.
Having said that, I’d like to share a few with you I discovered that were so bad they had absolutely no chance of ever making it on air:
ABC FAMILY: Santa Claus fears that he may have to cancel Christmas this year when his number one elf loses the dry-cleaning claim check for part of the jolly old man’s regular Christmas Eve ensemble. In a fun-loving special that’s destined to become a holiday classic for the whole family, Ed Asner, Caroline Rhea, Stephen Tobolowsky and David Spade star in “Where’s Santa’s Pants?”
LIFETIME: After her pregnancy test results turn up positive on Christmas Eve, a young professional single female decides that she had made one too many trips to the wassail bowl at her condo association’s annual holiday get-together, where she hooked up with a mysterious stranger who, even indoors, wore sunglasses and never looked directly at her when he spoke. Catherine Heigl, Leah Rimini, Stephen Tobolowsky and David Caruso headline the cast of “Nogged Up.”
DISNEY: A teen pop star who has become jaded by the holidays finds new meaning in the season when a fan letter from a guy who has never had a date persuades her to make a special trip on Christmas Eve, where she fulfills his Christmas wish list and starts to believe in the holiday once again. Miley Cyrus, Stephen Tobolowsky and Angus T. Jones star in “I’m Getting Hannah Montana for Christmas.” (Hey, she’s 18 now -- she can do stuff like this!)
MSNBC: In a departure from its regular news programming, the network offers a charming animated holiday special for the whole family, featuring the beloved characters of Dr. Seuss, and based on this year’s election results: “How The Grinch Stole Congress.”
ION: An up and coming young starlet just can’t seem to get her life together due to too much booze, drugs and endless partying, until a volunteer Santa visits her and gives her something that holds the secret to a happy holiday. George Lopez, Sherri Shepherd, Stephen Tobolowsky and Lindsay Lohan star in “The Gift of The Ankle Monitor.”
HALLMARK CHANNEL: When a mysterious angel from Heaven leaves an unusual set of ornaments on the front door of a lonely young widower on Christmas Eve, he finds a whole new dimension added to the joy of the season. Featuring Ernest Borgnine, Faith Ford, Brad Garrett and Stephen Tobolowsky, this warm holiday story stars Charlie Sheen and Pamela Anderson in “The Magic Christmas Knockers.”
SHOWTIME: The matron of a proud Jewish family who decides for the sake of its heritage to pen her memoirs about holidays past, spends the next 20 years doing so, and in the process finds a reason for making everyone feel guilty every time another remembrance comes to mind. In an epic eight-part mini-series produced and directed by Stephen Spielberg, and starring Lainie Kazan, Judd Hirsch, Alan Arkin, Linda Lavin, Jeff Goldblum, Stephen Tobolowsky, Debra Messing, Ben Stiller, Jerry Stiller, and Ann Meara as the neighborly Gentile widow next door, SHOWTIME proudly presents “Annika’s Hanukkah Chronicles.”
ANIMAL PLANET: In yet another example of a cable network deviating from its normal programming due to the time of year, Animal Planet presents a warm, touching story about how even our friends in the insect world seem to recognize the true meaning of the season. Based on a short story by O. Henry, Fred Willard, Eva Marie Saint, Stephen Tobolowsky, Ian Ziering, Melissa Joan Hart and Jack Hanna star in "The Gift Of The Maggot."
CARTOON NETWORK: “Rudolph and Hermy’s Lost Christmas Weekend” -- In this new Rankin-Bass Animagic production, the world’s most famous reindeer discovers that his nose isn’t the only body part he can get to light up when, after nearly half a century of catering to the kiddie crowd, Rudolph and his wide-eyed diminutive sidekick decide to sow some wild oats. First Stop: The Island of Misfit Women.
BET: An African-American family's plans to liven up the holidays by renting the Staples Center for a family get-together run into some unexpected complications when it's discovered that the arena's management inadvertently double-booked the place, and the festivities keep being interrrupted by a Clippers' game. Damon Wayans, Vanessa Williams, Gabrielle Union, and Stephen Tobolowsky star in this lovable tale for all cultures and ethnicities, "One Kwazy Kwanzaa!"
And finally...
USA NETWORK: A man comes down with food poisoning after gorging himself on the shrimp cocktail appetizers at the office Christmas party, then spends the rest of the holidays confined to the bathroom as the price of his gluttony and wishing the whole time that he could maybe just go sleep it off away in a manger somewhere. Jeff Daniels, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Stephen Tobolowsky and Larry the Cable Guy star in the heart-warming (and heartburn-inducing) holiday feature, “I'm Dreaming Of A White Porcelain Christmas.”
Actually, I had the good fortune of being in one that was a cut above the rest a few years ago, “The Christmas Wish,” starring Debbie Reynolds, Neil Patrick Harris and Naomi Watts. But by and large, the majority of holiday filler movies that will grace our cable channels for the next month have an entertainment quotient that’s pretty much just about on a par with watching snow melt. -- For starters, see how any times you hear some character say “You just have to believe!“ throughout the course of one day’s worth of these turkeys.
Having said that, I’d like to share a few with you I discovered that were so bad they had absolutely no chance of ever making it on air:
ABC FAMILY: Santa Claus fears that he may have to cancel Christmas this year when his number one elf loses the dry-cleaning claim check for part of the jolly old man’s regular Christmas Eve ensemble. In a fun-loving special that’s destined to become a holiday classic for the whole family, Ed Asner, Caroline Rhea, Stephen Tobolowsky and David Spade star in “Where’s Santa’s Pants?”
LIFETIME: After her pregnancy test results turn up positive on Christmas Eve, a young professional single female decides that she had made one too many trips to the wassail bowl at her condo association’s annual holiday get-together, where she hooked up with a mysterious stranger who, even indoors, wore sunglasses and never looked directly at her when he spoke. Catherine Heigl, Leah Rimini, Stephen Tobolowsky and David Caruso headline the cast of “Nogged Up.”
DISNEY: A teen pop star who has become jaded by the holidays finds new meaning in the season when a fan letter from a guy who has never had a date persuades her to make a special trip on Christmas Eve, where she fulfills his Christmas wish list and starts to believe in the holiday once again. Miley Cyrus, Stephen Tobolowsky and Angus T. Jones star in “I’m Getting Hannah Montana for Christmas.” (Hey, she’s 18 now -- she can do stuff like this!)
MSNBC: In a departure from its regular news programming, the network offers a charming animated holiday special for the whole family, featuring the beloved characters of Dr. Seuss, and based on this year’s election results: “How The Grinch Stole Congress.”
ION: An up and coming young starlet just can’t seem to get her life together due to too much booze, drugs and endless partying, until a volunteer Santa visits her and gives her something that holds the secret to a happy holiday. George Lopez, Sherri Shepherd, Stephen Tobolowsky and Lindsay Lohan star in “The Gift of The Ankle Monitor.”
HALLMARK CHANNEL: When a mysterious angel from Heaven leaves an unusual set of ornaments on the front door of a lonely young widower on Christmas Eve, he finds a whole new dimension added to the joy of the season. Featuring Ernest Borgnine, Faith Ford, Brad Garrett and Stephen Tobolowsky, this warm holiday story stars Charlie Sheen and Pamela Anderson in “The Magic Christmas Knockers.”
SHOWTIME: The matron of a proud Jewish family who decides for the sake of its heritage to pen her memoirs about holidays past, spends the next 20 years doing so, and in the process finds a reason for making everyone feel guilty every time another remembrance comes to mind. In an epic eight-part mini-series produced and directed by Stephen Spielberg, and starring Lainie Kazan, Judd Hirsch, Alan Arkin, Linda Lavin, Jeff Goldblum, Stephen Tobolowsky, Debra Messing, Ben Stiller, Jerry Stiller, and Ann Meara as the neighborly Gentile widow next door, SHOWTIME proudly presents “Annika’s Hanukkah Chronicles.”
ANIMAL PLANET: In yet another example of a cable network deviating from its normal programming due to the time of year, Animal Planet presents a warm, touching story about how even our friends in the insect world seem to recognize the true meaning of the season. Based on a short story by O. Henry, Fred Willard, Eva Marie Saint, Stephen Tobolowsky, Ian Ziering, Melissa Joan Hart and Jack Hanna star in "The Gift Of The Maggot."
CARTOON NETWORK: “Rudolph and Hermy’s Lost Christmas Weekend” -- In this new Rankin-Bass Animagic production, the world’s most famous reindeer discovers that his nose isn’t the only body part he can get to light up when, after nearly half a century of catering to the kiddie crowd, Rudolph and his wide-eyed diminutive sidekick decide to sow some wild oats. First Stop: The Island of Misfit Women.
BET: An African-American family's plans to liven up the holidays by renting the Staples Center for a family get-together run into some unexpected complications when it's discovered that the arena's management inadvertently double-booked the place, and the festivities keep being interrrupted by a Clippers' game. Damon Wayans, Vanessa Williams, Gabrielle Union, and Stephen Tobolowsky star in this lovable tale for all cultures and ethnicities, "One Kwazy Kwanzaa!"
And finally...
USA NETWORK: A man comes down with food poisoning after gorging himself on the shrimp cocktail appetizers at the office Christmas party, then spends the rest of the holidays confined to the bathroom as the price of his gluttony and wishing the whole time that he could maybe just go sleep it off away in a manger somewhere. Jeff Daniels, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Stephen Tobolowsky and Larry the Cable Guy star in the heart-warming (and heartburn-inducing) holiday feature, “I'm Dreaming Of A White Porcelain Christmas.”
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Royal Dish -- With A Side Order Of Nonsense
All right, as if we don’t have enough to worry about these days with rampant unemployment, international terrorism and Peewee Herman having his own show on Broadway, now we’ve got a new issue to fret over -- whether or not the recently announced engagement between HRH Prince William and his beloved Kate Middleton will survive into marriage and beyond, or end up the same way as Prince Charles and Prince Andrew’s marriages -- namely, like Custer at Little Big Horn…
Yes, friends, on Monday, William, the dashing, handsome young heir to the British throne who, while growing into a young man has given so much attention and strict adherence to British royal pomp, tradition and protocol, announced that he is getting married to the comely young lass with whom he’s been shacking up the last two years.
Well, I for one extend my best wishes for a long and happy relationship for the young prince and his betrothed, considering the royal family's track record as of late… Hopefully, their marriage will get off to a better start than Charles’ and Diana’s did, which evidently went badly right from the beginning when, on their wedding night, Diana asked Charles if she might be allowed to (ahem) “privily inspect the ‘Royal Jewels’”… To which the prince replied “Certainly, my love” -- and then he tossed her his cufflinks… Hopefully also, Charles will be keeping any marriage advice to his son to a bare minimum... If he doesn't, then we could probably otherwise expect that sometime in the next 20 years, William will have divorced Kate and married Susan Boyle...
One wonders where all this leaves younger brother Harry, who, perhaps as the sibling who feels somewhat neglected in the midst of so much hoopla, and in a bid for some publicity of his own, is going to do something to try and top Big Bro’s announcement… Let’s see -- he’s already done the Nazi uniform thing (apparently he too was running for Congress in Ohio), so that’s probably out… Gee, maybe if he works it right he’ll get busted for pot, or arrested for peeing in one of Buckingham Palace’s prize flower beds after a wild all night drunken binge with Keith Richards -- or Snooki… Or perhaps he’ll go on Dr. Phil and tell him how people made fun of him as a kid because his ears were the same size as his father’s -- and those were just people in his own family -- including his father… If it's possible to be part of a royal dynasty and still have an inferiority complex, Harry's probably the world's number one candidate... Go ahead, Britain -- you can begin paying for his therapy startinnnng -- Now!
Speaking of publicity, at some point, I’m almost positive that a movie will be made about Will’s and Kate’s love affair, naturally starring Lindsay Lohan and Leonardo Di Caprio … Assuming, of course, that Lindsay’s available on weekends due to good behavior… And if you’re wondering about the logic of the casting, well, we know that at least Lindsay can handle doing a British accent, whereas with Leo, Prince William will probably come off sounding like Elmer Fudd doing Harry Potter… Not sure there will be any onscreen chemistry between the two of them, but it still should be a hoot to see how Kate looks wearing an alcohol monitor bracelet strapped to her ankle and totaling William’s Range Rover every other week… But hopefully, the project will be saved when, in a casting coup, grumpy old Prince Charles ends up being played by grumpy old Ed Asner…
Of course, any discussion about a royal marriage has to include some questions about succession to the throne, and it seems that William and Kate have already thoroughly thought this issue through. In an interview this morning with William and Kate following the big announcement, one correspondent asked them if once the nuptials were completed, the royal couple planned on starting a family…”Absolutely, we‘d like to produce an heir to the throne,” William replied. “And we most definitely expect our first-born son will someday become king -- in about 150 years when Grand-Mum Elizabeth dies…”
In the end though, I'm sure all of Britain is awaiting this special event with eager anticipation, and in my head, I can already hear the chimes of the great British cathedrals tolling out the joyous news... Let's just hope that on their wedding day, we don't hear them ringing out "I slept with your sister, say the bells of Westminster"...
Yes, friends, on Monday, William, the dashing, handsome young heir to the British throne who, while growing into a young man has given so much attention and strict adherence to British royal pomp, tradition and protocol, announced that he is getting married to the comely young lass with whom he’s been shacking up the last two years.
Well, I for one extend my best wishes for a long and happy relationship for the young prince and his betrothed, considering the royal family's track record as of late… Hopefully, their marriage will get off to a better start than Charles’ and Diana’s did, which evidently went badly right from the beginning when, on their wedding night, Diana asked Charles if she might be allowed to (ahem) “privily inspect the ‘Royal Jewels’”… To which the prince replied “Certainly, my love” -- and then he tossed her his cufflinks… Hopefully also, Charles will be keeping any marriage advice to his son to a bare minimum... If he doesn't, then we could probably otherwise expect that sometime in the next 20 years, William will have divorced Kate and married Susan Boyle...
One wonders where all this leaves younger brother Harry, who, perhaps as the sibling who feels somewhat neglected in the midst of so much hoopla, and in a bid for some publicity of his own, is going to do something to try and top Big Bro’s announcement… Let’s see -- he’s already done the Nazi uniform thing (apparently he too was running for Congress in Ohio), so that’s probably out… Gee, maybe if he works it right he’ll get busted for pot, or arrested for peeing in one of Buckingham Palace’s prize flower beds after a wild all night drunken binge with Keith Richards -- or Snooki… Or perhaps he’ll go on Dr. Phil and tell him how people made fun of him as a kid because his ears were the same size as his father’s -- and those were just people in his own family -- including his father… If it's possible to be part of a royal dynasty and still have an inferiority complex, Harry's probably the world's number one candidate... Go ahead, Britain -- you can begin paying for his therapy startinnnng -- Now!
Speaking of publicity, at some point, I’m almost positive that a movie will be made about Will’s and Kate’s love affair, naturally starring Lindsay Lohan and Leonardo Di Caprio … Assuming, of course, that Lindsay’s available on weekends due to good behavior… And if you’re wondering about the logic of the casting, well, we know that at least Lindsay can handle doing a British accent, whereas with Leo, Prince William will probably come off sounding like Elmer Fudd doing Harry Potter… Not sure there will be any onscreen chemistry between the two of them, but it still should be a hoot to see how Kate looks wearing an alcohol monitor bracelet strapped to her ankle and totaling William’s Range Rover every other week… But hopefully, the project will be saved when, in a casting coup, grumpy old Prince Charles ends up being played by grumpy old Ed Asner…
Of course, any discussion about a royal marriage has to include some questions about succession to the throne, and it seems that William and Kate have already thoroughly thought this issue through. In an interview this morning with William and Kate following the big announcement, one correspondent asked them if once the nuptials were completed, the royal couple planned on starting a family…”Absolutely, we‘d like to produce an heir to the throne,” William replied. “And we most definitely expect our first-born son will someday become king -- in about 150 years when Grand-Mum Elizabeth dies…”
In the end though, I'm sure all of Britain is awaiting this special event with eager anticipation, and in my head, I can already hear the chimes of the great British cathedrals tolling out the joyous news... Let's just hope that on their wedding day, we don't hear them ringing out "I slept with your sister, say the bells of Westminster"...
Sunday, November 7, 2010
So Long, Daylight Savings Time
Well, it's finally here, the day when the cold, windy days of autumn also become the cold, windy, dark days of autumn. The day when that chill you feel seems to bring back memories of walking through wet slush and fumbling for your car keys when it's only 4:30 and you've decided to leave work early and the parking lot's already pitch black. The day when it seems our temperament and disposition take a sudden downturn for no other reason than our bodies are craving the sunshine and suffering from the lack thereof.
I'm sure that numerous books and articles have been written on the topic of Seasonal Affective Disorder (appropriately acronymed SAD), and how to deal with it, but as a public service (and because I didn't have anything else planned to fill this space today – maybe I should start renting it out to campers), I thought maybe a few suggestions that seem to have helped me over the years would be in order:
10) Involve yourself in some sort of activity to keep your mind off those extended periods of no sunlight. My favorite is to play the video games “Doom”, “Lords of Shadow” and “Curse of Darkness” for hours on end.
9). Make good use of your time by performing some type of civic function, such as working out a solution to solve the nation's economic woes. Give yourself till next April when Daylight Savings Time starts again and then send it to the clowns in Washington who will probably still be in the dark over their spending issues.
8) Think positively. Convince yourself that the less sunlight there is, the less chance you have of developing skin cancer – unless of course, you decide to spend the major part of the next four months in a tanning booth.
7) Stay medicated. Though not the best recommended solution, this can often be a good short term remedy. If you schedule it right, with the proper pharmaceuticals, you can lay out a timetable for yourself so that you'll only be conscious during daylight hours.
6) Try something to get the adrenalin flowing again: If you play a musical instrument, get it out and start playing a song you hate until you're ready to throw the damn thing through the nearest window. I play the guitar, and for me, about 80 verses of “Indiana Wants Me, Lord I Can't Go Back There” usually does the trick.
5) In order to not let a feeling of loneliness start to overtake you, have a get-together with friends and neighbors and hold a contest to see who can bay at the moon like a wolf the loudest.
4) Take steps to create some artificial sunshine. Go buy yourself a giant rotating searchlight and aim it at your bedroom window.
3) Having a sense of humor about it always helps. Just as a practical joke, knock on your neighbor's door, and when he answers it, ask him why it seems to be darker over his house than anyone else's on the block. When he gives you a strange look, ask him if he'd like you to bring your guitar over and start playing “Indiana Wants Me” for him. When he snarls at you with an angry ”No! I've had to listen to you do that stupid song at least a thousand times. Now can it!”, re-aim your searchlight at his bedroom window.
2) Keep reminding yourself that the short days and long nights aren't going to last forever. If you can get through Thanksgiving, and then Christmas or Hanukkah, and then New Year's, and then Super Bowl Sunday, and then -– oh shit, it IS going to last forever, isn't it?...
1) And finally, if all else fails, screw it. Don't even bother to set your clocks back, meaning you'll end up showing up an hour early for work, which will probably impress the hell out of your boss, and leave the office an hour earlier than normal, which will impress the hell out of your co-workers -- or make them resent you for doing it, depending on how they're being affected by the ongoing gloom.
Anyone else got some good suggestions?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)