A Harry Mess

For those of you who plan on getting up and watching the royal wedding between Prince Harry and his betrothed Meghan Markle at 4:00 am EDT this coming Saturday, good luck and I hope you enjoy yourselves. (I'll still be tucked cozily in bed, dreaming about why I never became the fifth Beatle.)  And for those of you who were actually invited to the wedding, you can count yourselves among the lucky few who scored an invite to an historic occasion on a first-hand basis.

Or then again, maybe not so lucky. Because while royal weddings don't come along every day with all the pomp and circumstance you can imagine and we certainly wish the bride and groom many years of wedded bliss (or at least as many as Harry's father and uncle had with their first wives), there are always little things that can pop up that might indicate that the proceedings aren't going quite as well as the wedding planner had promised; and if you're actually there in person, you may find that there are a few mishaps that could leave you with the feeling that instead of the day being one of memories to last a lifetime, you were quite possibly royally screwed. Therefore, as a reminder to just keep an eye out for such mishaps, here are the:

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE HAVING A BAD ROYAL WEDDING EXPERIENCE

10) You're not sure whether you're actually supposed to be there because your wedding invitation was addressed to “Occupant”

9) Kate and William are sitting right behind you with their newborn so you have to endure the whole service with the kid screaming in your ear

8) Michael Cohen is going around telling all the guests “Look, for only half a mil I can get you access to the entire royal family”

7) Your coach-and-four gets ticketed for parking in a “No Equine” zone

6) You discover that you and Dame Edna are wearing the same dress 

5) In a moment of unfortunate timing, just as Her Majesty Elizabeth emerges from her carriage, the band starts playing Elton John's “The Bitch Is Back”

4) That cheap toaster you got them for a wedding gift in return got you a fortnight in the Tower

3) Just as the vicar is about to pronounce the happy couple man and wife, Daniel Craig crashes through the roof on a hang glider

2) The guy sitting next to you with the orange comb-over and wearing the fake beard and sunglasses leans over and whispers “You know, they could have really done this up bigly if they'd booked it at Mar a Lago”

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'RE HAVING A BAD ROYAL WEDDING EXPERIENCE...

Instead of Windsor Castle, your GPS unit sends you to Windsor. Ontario

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                     "Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon

RUDY (No, Not The Football Legend)

Funny thing about Donald Trump's legal defense team: just like his presidency itself, it keeps getting weirder and weirder.  And just like Trump himself, every time  someone opens his or her mouth to defend him, it leads to more conflict and lies.

So what does Trump do? He hires what he believes must be one of the finest legal minds that is at least still speaking to him; a man who at this point is so far past his prime that his thinking processes have more holes in them than Swiss cheese. I'm referring, of course to the famous (or infamous) Rudy Giuliani who has hopped on board the Trump Titanic and become his public legal spokesman.

The trouble with that is that just as if the captain of the Titanic told one of his crewmen that the ship was running low on ice and ordered him to see what he could do about it, Rudy seems to have grabbed the wheel and steered the ship directly toward the iceberg. In a little over a month since being hired, he's created enough controversy and scandal to keep Robert Mueller and the US Attorney's office in New York happily employed for the next 10 years.  

And what else has he revealed that probably makes him the worst choice to speak on behalf of the president at this point?  Well, thanks to my inside sources (the janitor at Fox News who empties out the mini-fridge in Sean Hannity's office twice a year) I've gotten a peek at some of the other things that barely missed being made public and would have made Ol' Rudy an even bigger laughing stock than he already is. So, without further pause, here are the...

TOP 10 GAFFES RUDY GIULIANI'S MADE SINCE JOINING TRUMP'S LEGAL TEAM

10.) “There never was a meeting at Trump Tower between Trump's campaign and some Russians, and there never will be again, either”

9.) “Did I say Jared's expendable? I meant defendable – I meant dependable -- I meant deplorable”

8.) “The president repaid Cohen, and Putin repaid the president”

7.) “I keep getting Robert Mueller and Dennis Miller confused. Which one's doing the investigation?"

6.) “I'm not sure what date 9/11 happened on. The president keeps saying it was 7/11 and I'm still getting up to speed on that”

5.) “He's not only the healthiest president we've ever had, he's the horniest”

4.) “The president's been so busy getting our country back on the right track he's barely had time to fit in 111 rounds of golf”

3.)  “I can confirm to you that the president and Kim Jong Un are all set for a top secret meeting – at Mar a Lago – on May 25^th – at 10:00 a.m – in the main dining room”

2.) “If the president weren't already married to his daughter Ivanka, he most certainly'd be dating her”

AND THE NUMBER ONE GAFFE RUDY GIULIANI'S MADE SINCE JOINING TRUMP'S LEGAL TEAM...

“These are all legal questions you're asking me. How am I supposed to know the answers?”

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                     "Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon