Halloween: What to Wear, What to Wear

So once again the year has rolled around to that time where we see more  ghosts and phantoms than we used to get with bad over the air TV reception. A time where we're all free to let out our inner child and pick a costume which allows us to act out any character or alternate personality we have hidden deep within our souls.

But as Brom Bones said to Ichabod crane, Beware!  Should you decide to attend a celebration of the evening wearing something that some would think was not socially acceptable or was even totally objectionable, you might not only not win the best costume contest, you might get kicked out of the party altogether. And so, just as a precaution, I present the: 

TOP 10 PERSONS YOU DON'T WANT TO DRESS UP AS ON HALLOWEEN...

10.) The Devil Wears Walmart

9.) Kim Jong Runt

8.) Tool Time Matt

7.) Sean Spicey

6.) Balloon Boy

5.) Wicked Witch of the West Wing

4.) Dr. Sadisticus

3. Chicken-white Man

 

2.) Tweedledum and Tweedledumber

AND THE NUMBER ONE PERSON YOU DON'T WANT TO DRESS UP AS ON HALLOWEEN...

Rudy Ghouliani

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon

Good-bye, Columbus

Yes, it's once again upon us -- the most controversial of holidays. Most businesses can't even decide whether or not to let their employees have the day off; but aside from that aspect, over the years, Columbus Day has seen a grey cloud overshadow it as we discover more about who the man was and how his voyages affected history.

However, we can still make the best of the day and enjoy what free time and/or leisure activities we can engage in -- except there are always those things that like any other holiday, can turn what you hope may be a positive experience into a dud.  So in order to  keep you on the lookout for such possibilities (and searching for land ahead so to speak), here are the...

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE HAVING A BAD COLUMBUS DAY

10.) You just found out that $39 mattress you bought at the Columbus Day sale has a delivery charge of $80

9.) That Native American family who just moved in down the street give you suspiciously menacing smiles every time you walk by their house

8.) Your hard of hearing neighbor invites you to come over and binge watch a '70s detective series with him in honor of it being Columbo's Day

7.) You just heard that the city of Columbus, OH voted to change its name to Geronimo

6.) Your town's Columbus Day parade keeps being interrupted by the town's drunken Irish who are still celebrating “Halfway to St. Patrick's Day”

5.) Your wife decides to serve you a special dinner like the one Columbus and his crew must have had when they first landed: seaweed, turtle eggs and raw fish  

4.) Some guy just ran into your front yard, planted a flag and yelled "I claim this land for the King of Spain!"

3.) Your eight-year-old comes home from school and tells you the teacher told the class that when Columbus landed in the new world the first people he met were some old Jews living in Miami Beach

2.) It's 1492, you're living on an island in the Caribbean and you suddenly see three ships approaching -- Uh-oh!

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'RE HAVING A BAD COLUMBUS DAY...

You just realized there are only 70 more shopping days until Christmas – Gaaaah!

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon

"Class Reunion? -- Quick, Hand Me the Zoloft!"

Well, it's finally upon me -- my 50th year high school reunion.  Rush-Henrietta Senior High School, Henrietta, NY, Class of '69 (the first class to graduate from the new high

school in the district).  I received a notice about it a couple of months ago and was sitting  on the fence ever since about whether or not to attend.  

In the end I decided to go, but after wondering why it took me so long to make up my mind, I realized that anyone who goes to such an event (especially when you're so many years removed from your high school days)  really needs to have some compelling reasons for wanting to attend -- and after all, you can never experience too much angst (or require too much prescription medication) when going to one of these things.  So after thinking hard and long  (and hoping that some disgruntled ex-classmate doesn't end up putting out a hit on me) I deviated a bit from my usual Top 10 list and came up with  the following:

TOP 16 REASONS WHY PEOPLE SHOULD WANT TO ATTEND RUSH-HENRIETTA’S 50TH YEAR CLASS REUNION

16.) Good chance to compare joint replacement procedures

15.) Finally got clean and sober after 50 years and wanted to tell everyone about how great was the last place you remember being: Woodstock

14.) Wanted to check and see if anyone ever turned in that wallet you lost in 10th grade

13.) Determined to go even if it means running into your first wife -- as well as your second, third and fourth ones

12.) Still hoping to get credit for Driver’s Ed Class so you can take your road test

11.) You can tell everyone you’re working on your 15th Master’s degree -- you’re NEVER going to stop being a student!

10.) Can finally get revenge against the guy you sat next to in the Physics final whose test you copied and ended up with a “D”

9.) That BMW you’re paying $499 a month for ain’t impressing anyone just sitting in your driveway

8.) Wonder when you mention the name "Rush" how many people think you're referring to Limbaugh

7.) Want to see whose boobs have sunk lower than the foundation on your condo in Florida

6.) Can't believe it's been 50 years since the following three things happened: the moon landing, Nixon becoming president, and Rush-Henrietta officially getting rid of you

5.) Convinced you’ll be the hottest grandmother in the house -- whoops, no, that's just another late unexpected menopause flash

4.) Want to check and see if that special someone you had a secret crush on in high school is still the same sex

3.) Were hoping to see 300 classmates -- what you‘ll see is 600 chins

2.) You missed the 20th, 30th, and 40th reunions, and -- hey, wait, you already went to a 50th reunion -- what school is this again?

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY PEOPLE SHOULD WANT TO ATTEND RUSH HENRIETTA’S 50TH  YEAR CLASS REUNION…

Forget about a 60th reunion -- in another 10 years, climate change will have wiped us out as a species

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon

My Country 'Tis Of Thee, Sweet Day Of Misery

Well, it's come around again -- the REAL start of summer. The day when we all stop to remember our country's heritage, history, struggle for independence -- and overindulgence in celebrating all that stuff.

However, among the many traditions we observe on this day, there are always a few quirks in the system that start to tell us that maybe this day is not going to go like the ideal 4th of July that we had been planning on enjoying this year; and so, in order to make you aware of some of the things beforehand that may indicate you probably should have stayed in bed until the 5th of July, I now present...

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE HAVING A BAD 4TH OF JULY

10.) Those soyburgers you're buying to throw on the grill just had a a 25 percent tariff slapped on them

9.) That “rockets' red glare” from your neighbor's back yard has now become a four alarmer forcing everyone on the block to evacuate

8.) Only two groups showed up to march in your town's 4^th of July parade: the neo-Nazis and the Gay Pride Coalition

7.) You spent the whole afternoon in our nations's capital trying to avoid getting run over by tanks

6.) Judge Brett Kavanaugh turned down the invitation to your picnic, so you're hoping to God that P.J. and Squi show up with the beer

5.) The guy you were betting on to win the Nathan's Coney Island hot dog eating contest just threw it all up on your lap

4.) The revolutionary war reenactment you went to see ended with the colonists giving up

3.) The nearest body of water you can take the family to to enjoy the day is the Flint, Michigan reservoir

2.) After all the partying and celebrating, just as your about to get cozy with your special someone, your Roman candle fizzles out

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'RE HAVING A BAD 4TH OF JULY

Those aren't fireworks exploding overhead, they're North Korean ICBMs

Sarah, We Hardly Heard The Truth From Ye

In the strange topsy-turvy world known as the Trump administration, one of the constants was that we could at least count on was that White House Press spokesperson Sarah Huckabee Sanders would always be there to lie to us. But know in a dramatic turn of events, it seems she is even jumping ship and leaving her post at the end of the month.  

But when one speculates about so many reasons whey she could be leaving at this point, it turns out that there is not one single reason, but an aggregate of such which contributed to he decision to depart. So I turned to one of my White House sources. (the kid with the toy lawnmower that got his picture taken cutting the lawn with Trump standing over him offering him a MAGA hat if he did both the south and the north lawns), and found out what was really behind her decision. And therefore, it pleases me to now present you with the...

TOP 10 REASONS WHY SARAH HUCKABEE SANDERS IS LEAVING THE WHITE HOUSE

10.) Trump told her that if she quit, he'd name a wall after her

9.) Finally will have the time to binge watch “Game Of Thrones” and see what all the hype is about

8.) Miffed that Mike Pence keeps telling her that she looks like she should undergo gay conversion therapy

7.) Her neighbors think she's married to Bernie Sanders and keep wondering when she'll start giving them free stuff

6.) Just found out that Donald Trump had a fling with a porn star on the leather couch in her office the other night

5.) Discovered that just as a practical joke Eric and Donald Jr. installed air jets underneath the press room podium

4.) When Trump decided to hold a White House staff beauty pageant, she came in second to Kellyanne Conway

3.) Was getting jealous of Donald and Ivanka's close relationship and wanted to go back to Arkansas to spend more time with daddy Mike

2.) Trump keeps referring to her as “The Princess of Whales”

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY SARAH HUCKABEE SANDERS IS LEAVING THE WHITE HOUSE...

Now she can tell the White House press corps what she REALLY thinks of them

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                     "Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon

Handling The Fox In The Hen House

The other day I posted a link on Facebook and Twitter of a video in which Fox & Friends' Steve Doocy (he's the goofy one that sits on the left of the couch) went out to do some "man on the street" interviews with folks regarding a proposed new law that would make it illegal for people to be looking at their cell phones while crossing the street.  And just like you would expect, as a Fox personality, he was pretty much completely shot down as you can tell by watching the video here.  Proud and typical New Yorkers all, they either rushed past him with barely a word or ignored him altogether. 

Which got me thinking:  What if Doocy had jut been a little more persistent and not let anyone get away before he made sure to get them to blurt out something just to help the segment move along?  The only thing that was missing was that the people he approached (accosted?) really had no snappy comeback to get him to back off, something that would not only insure that he didn't infringe on anyone's privacy but which would have probably provided some hilariously embarrassing moments for Fox. And so, I figured that the next time Rupert's news channel tries to stage a segment like this, it might be helpful for people to have some ready-made responses as they saw him coming, which would than send him off to try and catch some other poor unsuspecting soul (who hopefully read this column also).  So therefore, as a public service I'm presenting ...

TOP 10 THINGS TO SAY TO A FOX NEWS MAN ON THE STREET INTERVIEWER

10.) “So tell me, how's Bill O'Reilly these days?”

9.) “Pardon me, but do you mind if I relieve myself on your shoes while you ask your question?”

8.) “Sorry, can't stop. I'm meeting some Russians at Trump Tower in five minutes”

7.) “Take your stinking paws off me you damn dirty reporter!”

6.) “Boy, you really must work for Fox because that's about the dumbest question I've ever heard”

5.) “Is that a MAGA hat in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?”

4.) “Hey, I know you! You're Regis Philbin!”

3.) “Jeez, and I thought you were only this creepy on TV”

2.) “Hi, I'm Mike Pence's secret gay love child – damn glad to meet ya!”

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING TO SAY TO A FOX NEWS MAN ON THE STREET INTERVIEWER...

“Hey, your zipper's open – ha, made you look!”

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                     "Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon

When (Bloodshot) Irish Eyes Are Smiling

As we look ahead to this weekend and all the revelry, debauchery and memory loss due to over-consumption of Gaelic spirits, one of the things we can thank the Irish for is that no matter how bleak or desperate their situation may be, they somehow manage to maintain their hopes of expectation; and call it what you will (the luck o' the Irish, positive thinking, or just waiting for Election Day November 2020), the Irish never stop believing that someday they'll find that pot of gold.  

However, for those of you who haven't yet had the time or the chance to look for that four-leaf clover (or maybe even that three-leaf plant -- a "pot" of another kind so to speak) that can start you on your journey, it might help to get a few clues as to when you've been suddenly blessed by the magic of old Eire. And so without further delay, I offer you the...

TOP 10 SIGNS THE LUCK O' THE IRISH IS WITH YOU

10.) In the last six months, you resigned as Roger Stone's: a. attorney/ b. publicist/ c. tattoo artist

9.) You're not on the list of 81 names that Congress wants to interview about Trump's business dealings

8.) You were finally able to figure out what all the crap that comes with your Peloton stationary bike is for

7.) You get a letter from Hyundai/Kia that says “Congratulations! You don't own a model that catches fire”

6.) You were able to hire Ann Coulter as a banshee to haunt your uncle's wake

5.) You're a gay black Muslim Honduran woman and yet Tucker Carlson has only nice things to say about you

4.) Brett Kavanaugh never showed up at your party so there's plenty of Guinness for everyone

3.) Your long stretch of unemployment is over – Kiim Jong Un just hired you to help rebuild his nuclear facility

2.) That massage parlor you went to in Jupiter, Florida turned out to really be a legitimate massage parlor

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN THE LUCK O' THE IRISH IS WITH YOU...

Trump just issued a proclamation designating March 17^th as “St. Patrick's Day!”

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                     "Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon

It Only Hurts When My Heart Beats

During the long dark days of winter there are only a few times which can raise our spirits: New Year's Day, Super Bowl Sunday (except for non-Patriots fans), the federal holidays and of course, the day made for love and romance, Valentine's Day.  How nice to take a break from the dampness, the bleakness, the short days and long dreary nights to renew -- or begin -- something that can hopefully keep you emotionally warm throughout the rest of the season.

But hold on a second. While the day may seem full of promise and overflowing with bliss to the naive and unsuspecting, those of us who have been visited by the ghosts of Valentine's Days past know that those particular 24 hours don't always turn out the way your fantasies planned.  And so, as a service for those of you who are walking into this day with your eyes wide open (and so you don't make the same mistakes next year), I present...

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE HAVING A BAD VALENTINE'S DAY

10.) Your inflatable rubber doll springs a leak

9.) On this special night, just as you're about to propose to your sweetheart, your Skype service crashes

8.) You can't treat your paramour to a special romantic Valentine's Day meal because Denny's ran out of eggs for their Grand Slam Breakfasts

7.) The gold jewelry you gave your honey turns green within 30 minutes of it being exposed to air

6.) That romantic evening you planned at home is interrupted by the neighbors coming over and asking if you'd be interested in swapping wives

5.) Still waiting for Budweiser to come out with a chocolate covered strawberry-flavored beer

4.) You open the door to the romantic lovers' suite you reserved at the Trump International Hotel to find it occupied by a group of Saudi diplomats

3.) 1-800Flowers screws up your order and sends your floral arrangement to a funeral home with card attached that says “From Your Secret Mushy Wushy Lover – Have A Wonderful Day!”

2.) You just realized your best bet for having a date tonight is by logging on to BoyAmILonely.com

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'RE HAVING A BAD VALENTINE'S DAY...

Threat of another government shutdown – Valentine's Day cancelled

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                     "Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon

State Of Disunion

Where to speak, where to speak?

With Nancy Pelosi putting the locks on the doors of the House of Representatives until the government reopens, Donald Trump now has a real quandary. If he feels so strongly about delivering his State of the Union address somewhere -- ANYwhere -- this must be a difficult time for him to make up his mind on when, where and how he is going to tell the American public that the state of union is strong; the state of Trump, not so much.

But fear not! Via one of my sources (the cleaning lady who has to go around picking up Eric and Donald Jr.'s candy wrappers after they dump them anywhere they want in the East Room -- while she's not getting paid, mind you) I've discovered that The Donald has come up with several options of places where he can try and get his message across.  And so dear readers, I now present to you...

TOP 10 PLACES FROM WHERE DONALD TRUMP MIGHT DELIVER HIS STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS

10.) Area 51

9.) The dressing room of the Miss Teenage America pageant

8.) A Covington Catholic High School ethics class

7.) The ACCESS HOLLYWOOD tour bus

6.) The McDonald's nearest the Clemson University football stadium

5.) Sitting on Mitch McConnell's chin

4.) Pyongyang, North Korea

3.) While performing with Maroon 5 at the Super Bowl

2.) The luxury hooker suite at the Moscow Ritz Carlton

AND THE NUMBER ONE PLACE FROM WHERE DONALD TRUMP MIGHT DELIVER HIS STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS...

Due to the shutdown: Any available Smithsonian museum

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                     "Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon