FRASIER Lives! -- Pass It On...

Thought I'd take a break this week from coming up with something new and fresh (if not necessarily entertaining) and  give you a sample of what I spent almost 10 years in Los Angeles trying to accomplish.

Now, understand that the level of talent and competition in the TV industry is far higher than most people realize despite the trash that a lot of times currently passes for network primetime television these days -- believe me, I know some topflight writers and performers who have written for, produced and starred in major hit sitcoms. And ultimately, it wasn't surprising that the opportunities that come along for anyone aspiring to write for TV are few and far between, and in my case didn't quite pan out as I had hoped they would.

But I  still wanted to post this  not only as an example of where one of my major interests continues to lie, but also as an example of what anyone who reads it and is also a writer can use as a fun exercise.

The following is a teaser from a spec FRASIER script I wrote back sometime in the early to mid-90's; and as teasers go I think it does what it's supposed to do: get the show off to a lighthearted start, grab the viewer's interest, and provide a few good jokes within its short timeframe.  (Oh, and for those of you who aren't sure what a teaser is, it's the beginning scene of a show that the opening credits are run over).

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FADE IN:

INT. RADIO BOOTH - DAY

FRASIER IS AT HIS DESK. ROZ IS IN THE CONTROL BOOTH.

                                FRASIER
               
                 (INTO MIKE) ...And remember, for the
 
                 finest in car care, it's Dr. Tire,
   
                 Seattle's  four-star, full-service

                 independent auto center.

HE SWITCHES OFF HIS MIKE.

                               FRASIER  (CONT'D)

                 Not to mention one of the biggest liars

                 and schlock artists by whom I've ever

                 had the pleasure  of being gouged out

                 of twenty-five hundred dollars.

ROZ SHOOTS HIM A LOOK THROUGH THE GLASS.  FRASIER TURNS
HIS MIKE BACK ON.

                              FRASIER  (CONT'D)

                 (INTO MIKE) So if your car's condition

                 is critical, see Dr. Tire -- stat! 

                 (REACTING TO THE INANE COPY) Who's

                 next, Roz?

                              ROZ

                 Next we have Jerry from Bremerton,

                 who is having difficulty being honest

                 with people.

                              FRASIER

                 How timely.  And appropriate.  Go ahead,

                 Jerry.  I'm listening.

                              CALLER  (JERRY, OVER PHONE)

                 Dr. Crane, I don't really know 
 
                 how to say it.  I just can't come

                 clean with some people.

                              FRASIER

                 Tell me, Jerry, would you happen to

                 be in, say, the auto repair busness?

                              CALLER

                 Excuse me?

                              FRASIER

                 I'm sorry.  The very fact that you're

                 admitting you have a problem is a first

                 step towards dealing with it.  A very

                 big step. Now, what exactly aren't

                 you coming clean with?

                              CALLER

                 You name it.  Job, finances, marriage.

                 Where do you want me to start?

                              FRASIER

                 Well, where do you want to start?

                              CALLER

                 Well, how about the fact that Jerry 

                 isn't my real name? It's Ralph.

                              FRASIER

                 There, that wasn't so hard, was it?

                              CALLER

                 Actually, it isn't Ralph.  It's Henry.

                              FRASIER

                 Well, all right, you just may be a

                 little  --

                              CALLER

                 Actually, it's not Henry, it's William. 

                 And I'm from  Renton, not Bremerton.

A SHORT PAUSE, THEN:

                              FRASIER

                  Roz, could we get some referrals for

                  Jerry?  Or whoever he thinks he is.

                  Perhaps an appointment with Dr. Tire?

AND WE:

                                                  DISSOLVE TO:

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Hope you enjoyed it.  Just for a fun creative writing exercise, try taking your favorite TV show (preferably a sitcom, but drama shows work too) and write a teaser for it.  See how close you can come to the tone and  the personalities of the characters -- and see how quickly you can get a joke in and get to the point of the scene (this one ran 2 1/2 typewritten pages in standard sitcom format, by the way).

In the future I'll try to post a few more  examples of this kind of stuff.

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon

What Never To Sing At A Nursing Home

Since my hip surgery, I guess I’ve become more sympathetic to and have developed an increased awareness towards those who are not as well off as me, health wise -- the elderly, the infirm, those recovering from an illness or injury, etc. -- in other words, those who for one reason or another are currently confined to a nursing home or senior living residence.  And one of my goals has been to try and offer some sort of diversion and entertainment for those folks, by bringing whatever singing and guitar-playing talents (skills? abilities? self-delusions of competence?) I may possess to that group, who from all reports really appreciate that someone will take the time to give them a break from their worries and tedium. Now I am by no means any type of virtuoso or musical prodigy -- I’ll never be mistaken for Clapton, Eddie Van Halen, or Roger McGuinn. But I can get by fairly well and I have a friend who does play such facilities, and though it doesn’t command much money, it seems to be a very fulfilling and worthwhile endeavor.

Unfortunately, while planning all this, I realized early on that if you don’t perform the right stuff, all your good intentions may completely go for naught, when in the course of believing that you’re entertaining them, you’re actually instilling fear and anxiety in those poor souls regarding their own suffering and mortality -- plus I hear metal walkers and half-gallon jugs full of prune juice can really hurt when rhey hit you after being thrown in anger at high velocity.  And so, after exhaustive and intensive research (meaning I talked to all three of my family members over 80 years old) I came up with a list of the top 10 songs that (should you ever be in a position to do so) you must NEVER sing at nursing homes or senior living facilities -- or if you do, make sure a defibrillator and a riot shield are part of the gear you bring with you:

Top Ten Worst Songs To Sing at a Nursing or Retirement Home:

(10)  STAYIN' ALIVE -- The Bee Gees

(9) THE OTHER SIDE OF LIFE -- The Moody Blues

(8) NEEDLES AND PINS -- The Searchers

(7) SPIRIT IN THE SKY -- Norman Greenbaum

(6) HELP! (subtitled "I've Fallen And I Can't Get Up") -- The Beatles

(5) EVERY BREATH YOU TAKE -- The Police

(4) AND WHEN I DIE -- Blood Sweat & Tears

(3)  DON'T FEAR THE REAPER -- Blue Oyster Cult

(2) HIGHWAY TO HELL -- AC/DC

And the Number One Worst Song to Sing at a Nursing or Retirement Home.....

KNOCKIN' ON HEAVEN'S DOOR -- Bob Dylan

Wish me luck -- I’d hate to be the victim of reverse elder abuse.

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon

My Ready-made Pro Football Hall Of Fame Induction Speech

I watched some of the induction ceremony last night from the Pro Football Hall of Fame in Canton, Ohio, which led me to realize that if worn and weary cliche-ridden acceptance speeches are suddenly upon us, could football be far behind?

While I congratulate the new inductees (and believe me, some of my idols over the years have deservedly been so honored), after a while I realized that most of these speeches all pretty much have the same structure, and that you can break them down into several main themes -- and the particular details can just be plugged in in the appropriate spots. So with that in mind, and for the benefit of any future Hall Of Fame inductees (you can send the check directly to me), I now offer a ready made Pro Football Hall Of Fame induction speech:

“Fans, friends, family, fellow inductees, and members of the Hall: Thank you for this warm reception. To say that I am [a. honored / b. humbled / c. honored AND humbled / d. humbled and honored / e. still recovering from the hangover after our all-night drinking bash following the banquet] would be an understatement. I stand here before you, having a difficult time expressing my feelings and emotions [a. over this honor / b. over this ceremony / c. over the fact that right now, I can't even remember why the hell I'm standing here in the first place].

“My journey to Canton has not been an easy one for someone who started out as a poor [a. white man / b. black man / c. biracial man / d. biracial man who was born in either Hawaii or Kenya, I'm not sure which]. There were many times during the early years of my career as I was shuttled from one city to another such as [a. Detroit / b. Buffalo / c. Cincinnati / d. several arena football teams and a women's Roller Derby league] that I wasn't sure I'd made the right decision, and there were many times that I thought I might be running out of [a. options / b.  cities / c. performance-enhancing steroids]. But in the end it was all worth it, as the honor you have bestowed on me tonight has taught me that even a man of my modest [a. talents / b. perseverance / c. immunity to pain -- one side effect of the steroids] can reach the pinnacle of his profession.

“One person I need to single out is my dear mother. Going all the way back to my high school days, she was always there to [a. encourage me that I'd definitely succeed / b. encourage me that I might succeed / c. suggest that maybe I'd succeed / d. wish she'd paid for violin lessons instead]. But through it all, I know that despite wherever my love of football might take me, she'd always be there to [a. offer her love / b. offer her advice / c. criticize my wardrobe / d. expect to have the check from me to cover the mortgage payment on her condo within two days after each game].

“Nowadays, as I look back on my career from the position of being the [a. CEO of my own company / b. hedge fund manager of the financial institution that's currently foreclosing on your house / c. night attendant at a convenience store / d. greeter at my local Walmart] I realize that football has taught me lessons that I can put to good use for life in general. Oh sure, there were some bumpy spots in the road along the way, such as [a. the DUI arrests / b. being caught in a motel room in Terre Haute, Indiana with two underage females / c. the suspensions for testing positive for banned substances / d. the concealed weapons charge / e. my part in the Bountygate scandal -- hey, my name on the check doesn't prove a thing; just ask my agent, my lawyer, and the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader whose account I laundered it through], but in the end, I know that all my experiences have made me [a. a better person / b. an older but wiser person / c. a very bitter, disgruntled, short-fused person – don't EVER try to cut in line in front of me at the checkout at Kroger's!].

"And of course, there was always the fans. What can I say about our fans? It seems they were always there, regardless of how good or bad I played. I know that in several cities I played in, I could freely walk down the street the day after a game, and literally dozens of people would come up to me and [a. ask me for an autograph / b. ask me for money / c. beat the crap out of me after I dropped the pass against the Giants which would have won the game and put us into the Super Bowl]. Thank you, fans! I'll never forget you and [a. the love you showed me / b. the loyalty you showed me / c. the scars on my back after one of you drove over me in your Hummer following the aforementioned dropped pass].

"And I certainly can't forget my coaches and teammates.  If I wanted to hand-pick a group of guys to to play with, I couldn't have chosen a better bunch. We went through so much together. Such a close-knit, happy group! It still seems like just yesterday that some of you were [a. hoisting me on your shoulders / b. pantsing me as we ran out onto the field that day against the Falcons / c. running me over me in a Lincoln Navigator after the game against the Giants].

“Finally, last, but certainly not least I have to thank [a. my wife / b. my second wife / c. my third wife / d. my fourth wife / e. all four of my wives / f. my divorce attorney / g. my girlfriend]. I couldn't have made this journey over my fifteen-year career with out the support of [a. her / b. them / c. my marriage counselor / d. the law firm of Finkelfuss, Snootch & Kapoo]. I just hope that someday,  I can somehow pay back that love and support by [a. buying us a home in Tahoe / b. spending a week at Disney World / c. not having to move in with my mother].

“In closing, I would just like to paraphrase the words of the immortal Vince Lombardi, who said 'Winning isn't everything, it's the ONLY thing.' Considering how many times during my career my nose had to be moved back to the center of my face, I can honestly say: Winning isn't everything, it's the UGLY thing.

“Thank you and God Bless.”

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

                                                   

                                                    -- Thomas Pynchon