Did Her Majesty Really Just Say That?

Now that all the pomp, circumstance and nonsense is past over the Queen's 60th anniversary jubilee, and with a week's perspective between it and us, I thought it might be a good time to review some of the pictures that appeared of the royal family on the balcony at Buckingham Palace and try and determine what they were REALLY  saying and thinking during the proceedings. And so, based on some reliable sources (those voices in my head) I decided to offer you what I expect was transpiring while we were all watching and being dazzled by the whole affair:

ELIZABETH: "How much longer must we stand out here?  My Spanx are beginning to sweat!"

CHARLES; "Look, Camilla, I believe I've just spotted Sir Nigel Tittlewood-Plinth -- of the  Shropshire Tittlewood-Plinths."

CAMILLA: "Oh, Charles  do ask him to come up here and join us, and we can all wave to the riff-raff."

WILLIAM: "Look, Kate, there's that idiot polo friend of my father's, Sir Nigel Tittlewood-Plinth. I hope he's not coming up here.  The man always smells like a horse."

ELIZABETH: "Camilla dear, let me show you the proper way to do the royal wave.  You simply hold your hand erect and then just keep repeating to yourself  'Twist the wrist... Twist the wrist... Twist the wrist...'"

HARRY (to himself): "Well, here I am, the only man standing on this balcony without a woman on my arm. How gay is that?"

ELIZABETH: "Charles, I do wish you would please refrain from putting your hands in your pockets and fiddling with your bits and pieces."

CHARLES:"But Mummy -- "

ELIZABETH: "Enough, I say! It's a nasty habit and terribly unbecoming for an heir to the throne."

CHARLES: "Yes, Mummy.  Hands out of the pockets."

WILLIAM: "Well, Grandmum, it's been a little over a year now since the wedding. What do you think of my wife?"

ELIZABETH: "I think she's a lovely girl, William. But for the sake of your progeny, I still have my misgivings that she's far too narrow in the hips."

KATE (to Harry):  "You mean to tell me that there's eight hundred rooms in this palace and not a single loo on this side of the building?  Good lord, when is this family going to find its way into the 20th century?"

 

 CHARLES: "Camilla, how much longer must we stand out here?  My Spanx are beginning to sweat!"

ELIZABETH: "Charles, isn't that your friend Sir Nigel Tittlewood-Plinth?  For some strange reason, the man always reminds me of being at the Epsom Derby!"

CHARLES: "Look at that amazing sight, Mummy!  An absolutely stupendous flyover by the RAF!"

ELIZABETH: "Yes, I certainly do think -- wait, that isn't the RAF... It's a squadron of Luftwaffe!... Quick! Everyone head for the bunker! INCOMING!"

HARRY: "Is it just me, or do we all seem to be getting smaller?"

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon

"Have A Good One!"

I don't know if this phenomenon is happening in your part of the world these days, but it seems lately, every time I visit my local bank or grocery store, my transactions with those establishments always conclude with the clerk or teller bestowingupon me his or her good wishes to "Have a good one!" in a cute, pleasant, tuneful kind of sing-songy voice.

In fact, I had one say it to me a just the other day, and I was just about to reply with a smartass "I have a great one! How's yours doing?" when I realized that  in some perverted deviant way, a 16-year old cashier might regard such an answer as inappropriate, resulting in my name being ultimately showing up on some state agency's list of social undesirables.  So I politely said through a clenched-tooth smile "Thanks! And you too!"

But it didn't settle my mind to think that I'd just wished someone something  about which I still had no idea of its meaning, and I certainly wouldn't have a problem with saying it myself -- if I only knew what it was they were referring to when they use the words "Have a good one!"  Have a good what?  A good day?  A good hour?  A good shopping trip?  A good hernia operation?  A couple of weeks ago, my niece returned from a trip to England with a kidney stone and I began to wonder if, in an expression of sympathy, I should have told her "Sorry to hear about your kidney stone attack, Sweetie...  And I hope should you suffer through one of those again, well... have a good one!"

Now I don't think I'm too old to keep up on what Gen Y uses for hip language and expressions these days, and I think for the most part, I manage to do a pretty good job of keeping the colloquialisms my own generation used, like "groovy," "far out," and "Right on!" out of my speech.  But at least those words were pretty definitive and were understood by most generations, both older and younger than mine. 

But "Have a good one"?!...  I'm still trying to wrap my brain around the expression "Back in the day..."

However, the more I wondered about it, I started to think about what it would be like to use that  expression as an all-encompassing phrase of convenience, whenever you couldn't come up with somethng to describe exactly what you meant, but yet which everyone else seemed to be able to vaguely understand and would nod their heads approvingly at whenever it was used. 

Further, how great would it have been to have had  such a phrase that could be used for virtually any situation or occasion, and under any circumstances?  Think back for instance throughout the course of history and all the times that expression could have really been useful...

In the Old Testament, the book of Genesis could have started right out with the words "In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth... and he saw that it was a good one."

Or how about Moses trying to exhort Pharaoh to free the Hebrews? -- "Thus says the Lord God of Israel: Let my people have a good one!" (Somehow, though,  I have the sneaking feeling that knowing the Jews, they couldn't "have a good one" without letting some issues of guilt creep in somewhere along the way.)

Now let's move ahead to the 17th century, and William Shakespeare would have found that dropping it in whenever he was stuck for a catchy phrase or some colorful wordplay would have made his writing go so much more simply and quickly...

Like in ROMEO AND JULIET: "Good night, good night!  Parting is such sweet sorrow, that I shall say have a good one!"

Or HAMLET: "To be or not to be, that is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to have a good one!"

And think of the time it could have saved ol' Will if he could have used it whenever it was convenient in JULIUS CAESAR:

Julius Caesar, as the final knife is being plunged into him: "Et tu, Brute? -- then, have a good one!"

And later, during Antony's funeral oratory scene: "Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears!  I come not to praise Caesar, but to have a good one!"

Jump ahead  another century, when Georg Frideric Handel is writing his monumental oratorio, MESSIAH, and instead of creating the inspiring "Alleluia Chorus," we end up hearing the choir give us a rousing "Ha-a-a-ve a good one! 
Ha-a-a-ve a good one! Have a good one! Have a good one! Ha-ave a good one! ... For the Lord God Omnipotent reigneth (Have a good one! Have a good one!)... For the Lord God Omnipotent reigneth! (Have a good one! have a good one!)..."  Well, you get the idea.


But now we come to the greatest moment on our own country's history, the American Revolution.  Think of the  memorable rehetoric that might have been recorded...

The brilliant intellect of Thomas Jefferson, in writing the Declaration of Independence, could have either totally clarified our reasons for rebellion or totally obscurred them (depending on your point of view) if he had included the words "We hold these truths to be self-evident that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the purfuit of a good one."

Or what about Patrick Henry's own stirring declaration in the Virginia House of Burgesses: "I know not what course others may take, but as for me, give me liberty or give me a good one!"

And how about the bravery shown out on the open seas by Commander John Paul Jones, who, when challenged by the British admiral calling to him "Captain! Do you strike your colors? Do you surrender?" could have valiantly replied "On the contrary, sir.  I have not yet begun to have a good one!"

If we march forward now to 1863, how much reverence and honor would Abraham Lincoln have given our fallen soldiers at the battlefield of Gettysburg by beginning his remarks with "Fourscore and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created to have a good one..."

Now move ahead to the 20th century, and recalling President Kennedy's inspiring inaugural speech -- would it have been even more memorable if we had heard the following?  "And so my fellow Americans, ask not what your country can do for you, but ask what you can do to have a good one!"

Or how about Neil Armstrong, setting foot on the moon and thrilling us all with the words "That's one small step for Man, one giant good one for Mankind."

And finally, during the last days of communism's grip on Eastern Europe, how different history might have been if Ronald Reagan had stood at that podium in Berlin and declared "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down ths wall -- and let these people have a good one!"



In the end I've decided that it's not worth it to fret or worry or let my mind be boggled over a phrase that I'll probably never be comfortable with, no matter how hard I try.  Matter of fact, the next time I hear it from a teller or cashier, I think I'll simply come back with "You know, you might just be famous someday for saying those words."  And I'll walk away smiling while they stand there with the most puzzled look on their face.

If only I knew what the hell it meant!

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon