Good-Bye To 2017, Hello To -- Do I Even Want To Know?

It's said that we are shaped in part by both our life experiences and what goes on in the larger world around us.  If that's the case, then should you have the occasion to be invited somewhere to ring out the old year and ring in the new, you may find that national and world events will have an effect on any party you attend this year, which may or may not leave a bad taste in your champagne-numbed mouth; so in order that you may be forewarned before venturing out tomorrow night to celebrate in the grand old style, here are a few thing to be aware of if you want to judge how the evening is going...

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE AT A BAD NEW YEAR'S EVE PARTY

10.) Chris Christie is spotted stuffing jumbo shrimp into his pockets

9.) You run into Kellyanne Conway, Sarah Huckabee Sanders and Ann Coulter – and Ann Coulter is the normal one

8.) You're at her majesty Queen Elizabeth's proper and formal party when Harry and Megan burst in and shout “Surprise! We eloped!”

7.) You're the only one there not wearing an outfit from The Ivanka Collection

6.) To fight the freezing temps in Time Square, Ryan Seacrest offers to let you borrow his best set of thermal underwear – after he takes it off

5.) Your hosts Christina and Tarek El Moussa start arguing over who should get the noisemakers and party hats in the divorce settlement

4.) The only other three people to show up are Charlie Rose, Matt Lauer and Bill O'Reilly

3.) You arrive at the Kim Kardashian party to find no one has yet left last year's Kim Kardashian party

2.) At the White House party, instead of “Auld Lang Syne”, the band plays “The Volga Boatman”

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'RE AT A BAD NEW YEAR'S EVE PARTY...

Your invitation to Robert Mueller's bash comes with a subpoena

Happy New Year, everyone!

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon

Sing We Now Of -- Christmas?!

Well, dear readers, the holidays are once again virtually upon us; and I know that for many of us, the second Christmas dealing with Donald Trump being in charge of our country doesn't give us pause to believe  that the words "peace on earth, good will toward men" has much meaning any more.  This year the sentiments were more like "Tweet first, then lie bigly to cover it up later."

But then I found out from my crack White House undercover spy (the guy that cleans the windows in the White House guard gates) that the man actually does have a weak spot.  He enjoys listening to his favorite holiday songs (so to speak), a fact of which once we're aware, can maybe soften our hearts and lighten that feeling of despair which has fallen over us since Nov. 8, 2016.  So without further delay, I present to you...

DONALD TRUMP'S TOP 10 FAVORITE CHRISTMAS SONGS

10.) “Away In A MAGA”

9.) “Have Yourself A Mar a Lago Christmas”

8.) “I Saw Melania Kissing Vladi Claus”

7.) “It Came Upon the Midnight Clear, The Nuke We Fired At Kim Jung Un”

6.) “You're A Mean One, Mr. Flynn”

5.) “I'm Dreaming Of An All-White Christmas”

4.) “Silver Walls, Silver Walls, It's Christmas Time On The Border”

3.) “Mueller Got Run Over By A Reindeer”

2.) “Oh, By Gosh, By Golly, It's Time For Mistletoe And P***y”

AND DONALD TRUMP'S NUMBER ONE FAVORITE CHRISTMAS SONG...

“All I Want For Christmas Is My Tax Bill Passed”

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon