Happy Thanksgiving! Please Don't Throw The Pumpkin Pie!

I think most people will agree that this has been a trying year for our country, but as we near the end of 2016, this may be a good time to stop and be grateful for what we have and look forward to a better year in 2017.

Whoops, scratch that.  This year, Thanksgiving is starting to look like it may be fraught with so much angst and stress, that on the one day when we should all come together,  our nation will probably be engaged in one gigantic food fight.. 

But on the other hand, it could be worse.  Some totally unexpected things could happen that would really screw up your holiday; and so, just to give you a forewarning of what  to keep an eye out for, I've compiled...

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE HAVING A BAD THANKSGIVING

10) You're invited over to Bill and Hillary's for Thanksgiving dinner and Hillary begins the blessing with “I'm not sure how much we have to be thankful for this year”...

9) Decide to start your holiday shopping at 6 pm on Thanksgiving night only to be met by people blocking the mall entrance and holding placards that say “BLACK FRIDAY LIVES MATTER!”

8) Every time someone tries to compliment you on your cooking, Kanye West interrupts to say that Martha Stewart could have done a better job

7) Chris Christie shows up at your front door dressed up like a pilgrim and asking if he could have some food to take back to the President-Elect

6) Finished making your online wagers on today's football games just as CNN announces that all the sports sites have been hacked by the Russians

5) You invite Gary Johnson over for Thanksgiving dinner and he replies “Thanksgiving? What's that?”

4) You're at Hoda and Kathie Lee's Thanksgiving celebration and everybody's guessing on how long it will be before one of them tips their wine over onto your lap

3) You turn on the TV to see that Macy's parade has been ambushed by 10,000 protestors marching down Broadway chanting ”Not my Santa Claus! Not my Santa Claus!”

2) Donald Trump's advice for enjoying your Thanksgiving meal: “Grab it by the giblets!”

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'RE HAVING A BAD THANKSGIVING...

“As God is my witness, I thought turkeys couldn't be elected president!”

************************************************************* 

"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon

Hello, Halloween

Well, it's almost here. The favorite night of the year for ghosts, goblins, and pediatric dentists who make a killing every November filling Halloween candy-induced cavities.

But for the rest of us, as we grow into adulthood, we have to find ways to make October 31 actually meaningful in some way, as if we were trying to reach out and grab onto a piece of our fast disappearing childhood -- and believe me, as you cross into your 60's  that grip can become pretty weak.  And so we try to do things that will bring us back to those forgotten days of our youth.  We  put "It's The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!" on endless loop repeat on our DVRs, we go to scary amusement attractions -- or if we have no other option,  we actually go to a party dressed up in a costume that we wouldn't have been caught dead in when we were young.

And so it goes, but of course, the whole point of doing all this is to try and enjoy ourselves. However,  there should be a few clues here and there to tell you when things probably aren't going to go as you had hoped in terms of  your efforts to have a good time. so to help you sort those things out, I thought I'd give you a few indicators with my...

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE HAVING A BAD HALLOWEEN

10.) Billy Bush offers to take you out Trick or Treating in his pimped-out touring coach

9.) Chris Christie shows up at your door for the fifth time tonight and you finally give him the whole bowl of candy just to get rid of him

8.) The thought of Matt Lauer dressed up as a woman on Halloween again this year is starting to get you uncomfortably aroused

7.) You go to a house dressed as as Bernie Sanders and a Republican answers the door and tells you “You want candy? Work for it!”

6.) That big glass of apple cider you're drinking turns out to be Flint, Michigan tap water

5.) Instead of your house being pelted with eggs, it's being pelted with campaign fliers

4.) The young girl who shows up at your door coughing and wheezing and wearing a pantsuit tells you that this year she decided to go out as Hillary Clinton

3.) What you thought was werewolves howling at the moon turns out to be your next door neighbors getting it on in their hot tub

2.) You turn on the TV to watch your favorite Halloween special and you see something even scarier: Rudy Giuliani

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'RE HAVING A BAD HALLOWEEN...

Your Jack'o'Lantern just sprouted a mane of unruly hair and keeps shouting “And we're gonna build a wall!”

************************************************************* 

"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon

The Phone Just Never Rang...

Well, now that all the suspense over who Donald Trump was going to pick as his vice presidential running mate is over, just so you don't get too excited about the choice, I thought it might be good to take a look at the context in which it was made.

Oh, sure, there were the usual suspects: the Newt Gingriches, the Chris Christies, and maybe even some long shots like Sarah Palin and that African American guy that he pointed out who showed up to one of his rallies.

But in all honesty, there was an even deeper list of people under consideration; people who were hoping -- yes, even praying-- that they'd get that one important call  letting them know that he or she was the Donald's choice -- and in doing so, he'd quite probably not only make a huge change in their lives but would also turn their fortunes around for the better.

So, without  going into further details, here's who I found out were the top 10 people who were sadly disappointed not to get that phone call and hear the news that they were to be named Donald Trump's running mate:

10)

9)

8)

7)

6)

5)

4)

3)

2)

And the number one person who was disappointed not to be picked as Donald Trump's running mate...

*************************************************************

  

"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

  

-- Thomas Pynchon

Email Dysfunction

Ah, yes, spring is in the air -- when a young man's fancy turns to love and innocent romance!

Well, not really, but that's what the manufacturers of erectile dysfunction remedies would want you to believe, and it's also a good excuse and  strategic marketing ploy for them to start sending out  all those disgusting spam emails to tout their products which show up in your inbox; and lately, I've noticed that I've been getting more than the usual amount of these types of thing --  a "surge" if you will (no pun intended) which I'm not exactly shouting "Yahoo!" about.

What can you do about them? Well you can simply delete them,  or mark them as spam and delete them (or if you're Hillary Clinton, forward the E-D ones on to Bill -- as opposed to the emails you've already labeled "CLASSIFIED" and deleted), and hopefully they won't be a bother.

But the best remedy (no pun intended) is a preemptive one, to recognize them when they first show up. They usually are coming from email addresses with catchy double entendre names, so they shouldn't be all that difficult to spot.  However, just in case you don't have the time to try and track all of them (or don't know what double entendre means), let me help you with...

THE TOP TEN NAMES YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE SHOW UP IN YOUR EMAIL INBOX

10) DICK FULLER

9) WALLY BIGGERSTAFF

8) ROD SPRINGER

7) MAX PETERS

6) MAJOR JOHNSON

5) MILES O'TOOLE

4) B. HARDIN LONG

3) HUGH JORGAN

2) KIM DONG HUNG

AND THE NUMBER ONE NAME YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE SHOW UP IN YOUR EMAIL INBOX...

SEYMOUR WOODCOCK, JR

Hopefully, that should clean up your email -- well, at least until Valentine's Day.

*************************************************************

  

"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

  

-- Thomas Pynchon

The (Un)Luck Of The Irish

Well, tonight's the one other night during the year when everyone gets to rationalize their own outrageous behavior to the rest of the world, with perhaps the possible exception of  a local magistrate.  I'm referring of course, to acting the way everyone believes an honest to good Irishman would behave on St. Patrick's Day. But then again, just like on New Year's Eve, there's always the chance that you end up at a party that turns out to be worse than binge watching a season of  KEEPING UP WITH THE KARDASHIANS. So just to give you a few guidelines, I'm offering:

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE AT A BAD ST. PATRICK'S DAY PARTY

10) Mitch McConnell refuses to let the bartender you hired in the door

9) Everyone there is miserable since they've already been knocked out of their NCAA bracket pool

8)That stuff you're drinking that you thought was Guinness  turns out to be water from the Flint, Michigan reservoir

7) You've got strings of beads left over from Mardi Gras you want to give away but the only thing anyone is flashing at you is their butt

6) Every time you say the word “Shillelagh” someone accuses you of being a Muslim terrorist

5) You get stuck sitting at a table with Sister Mary Margaret, Sister Mary Bridget and Sister Mary Rose, and Sister Mary Rose has already hit you up for $150 in poker

 

4) Marco Rubio is going around shaking hands with everyone and saying "How you doing? I'm Mark O'Rubio"

 

3) Turns out the party you're at is all vegan – good luck choking down that corned tofu and cabbage

2) You'd rather be at home watching Ben Carson try to explain why he's endorsing Donald Trump

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'RE AT A BAD ST. PATRICK'S DAY PARTY...

The band keeps playing "When ISIS Eyes Are Smiling"

 

*************************************************************

 

  

"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

 

  

-- Thomas Pynchon