Well, now that we’re just about finished with January 2012, I started thinking the same thing about the past 31 days, and that January, being the first month of the year should hold such promise for us -- but by about mid-month when the “blahs” set in, we start to come to the conclusion that this month isn’t going to offer any better fortune than any other month -- and sometimes even worse.
Maybe part of it is that here in the northeastern US, we‘ve been dealing with minimal sunshine since mid-November and the dull grey days are finally starting to turn us all into psychos (for a look at my post on some suggestions I made for dealing with Seasonal Affective Disorder, you can go here).
Not only that, but sometimes January offers some unexpected surprises. For instance, when I lived in Los Angeles, the Northridge Earthquake happened in January. For me, nothing said “Welcome to 1994!" like feeling the ground constantly shake beneath your feet for about 24 hours straight. And just this month, one of the bulwarks of my home town, Kodak was hit with a triple whammy -- they declared bankruptcy, were delisted on the New York Stock Exchange, and found out that The Motion Picture Academy is going to move the Oscar ceremonies from the Kodak Theatre in Hollywood to another venue.
Some other things that have happened, or occur regularly in January:
1. New Year’s Day -- just ask anyone who’s had a hangover from New Year’s Eve. Nice way to get the year off to a great start, right? -- not being able to remember the night before, and then not being able to wake up and remember what year it is the next day.
2. Here in the northeastern US, some of our worst blizzards have occurred in January: the Blizzard of ‘66, the Blizzard of ‘77, etc. I’m sure the trend will continue -- until the time when global warming turns January into a virtual blast furnace -- in which case then we’ve got a whole other problem during the month to worry about.
3. The Buffalo Bills, my home team here in Western New York, lost all four Super Bowls during the month of January. Anyone who’s a football fan whose team has been on the losing end of a football score in January -- college or pro -- can understand the feeling of utter despair and finality.
3. George W. Bush was inaugurated President in January -- twice -- even though no one will admit to having voted for him. (Of course this can go the other way also, depending on your political leaning; on the other hand, presidential elections are held in November, so I guess an argument could be made for that month being somewhat of a downer too.)
4. The moment sometime during the month that you suddenly realize how unrealistic and unattainable all the New Year’s resolutions you made were going to be, at which point you immediately set out on your own self-imposed guilt trip.
I could go on but there’s probably too many other reasons to list, and you can probably come up with plenty of your own. The point is, inevitably, having to start a new year by dealing with what occurs during January opens us all up for a huge amount of sadness and disappointment.
What to do, what to do?
Well, frankly, my friends the solution to dealing with all the surprises, mishaps and letdowns of January is surprisingly simple:
Let’s just get rid of it! That’s right -- let's do away with January altogether! Go straight from December 31 right to February!
Just think of some of the possibilities that eliminating January could accomplish:
1. No more New Year’s Day hangovers, to start with. You haven’t missed all the fun, festivities, parades and football because New Year’s Day didn’t happen and there weren’t any to miss! And even if you did happen to get plastered on Dec. 31, there isn't much worth trying to think about or function for on the first of February.
2. You can forget about making any New Year’s resolutions that you’re likely to have either completely abandoned or forgotten about by January 15. There'll be no more January to try and start implementing them. Just think: no more starting the year with built-in excuses for guilt trips and feeling sorry for yourself when you screw up!
3. Winter would be four weeks shorter, and it wouldn't matter whether Punxatawney Phil saw his shadow on Groundhog Day or not. As far as I'm concerned, he could stay in his burrow and sleep.
4. The NFL Playoffs can skip all the preliminary rounds, since now that the Super Bowl is played on the first Sunday in February, there’s no four week wait and three weeks or preliminary rounds just to see your favorite team go down to defeat -- the two teams with the best records in each conference will automatically go directly to the championship.
5. All those Christmas bills that come due in January? The hell with 'em! -- Since there is no January, you don’t have to worry about paying any!
6. Anyone who has a birthday that falls in January can treat it the same way that people who are born on Leap Year Day do -- either celebrate it on the last day of December, or on the first day of February -- or ignore it all together, thereby never allowing yourself to get any older, which should really be a boost for attendance at cougar singles bars all over the country.
So those are just some of the advantages I see about doing away with Month Number One every year.
Now you may be asking by this point “Tom, that sounds like a fantastic idea, but how do we accomplish this?”
Who knows? Maybe by a simple proclamation, maybe by a constitutional amendment -- or maybe even via a groundswell protest movement such as “Occupy Wall Calendars” (“OWC”?) where people take to the streets chanting stuff like “We are the 99 percent who refuse to be bullied by January!”
The fact of the matter is that regardless of how we manage to achieve it, one way or another, the month of January needs to go!
Anyway, enough ranting. Let’s hope that next year, January either shapes up or ships out!
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"Every weirdo in the world is on my
wavelength."
-- Thomas Pynchon
-- Thomas Pynchon
