Holiday Cybershopping -- I'll Pass (2021 Edition)

Some years back, I wrote about how my reaction to going out and performing my gift-buying duties generally stirs up some creative juices in me and gets me writing about such things. But as I thought it over, I realized the fear of actually heading out  to real stores and purchasing something is far less in my mind than the horror of going online and divulging all your personal info to complete strangers so someone in Mountain View, CA (or maybe India -- or the Philippines) can end up having a good laugh at your expense knowing you're buying Grandma a new commode with a padded toilet seat for Christmas.

And while I know that it supposed to save us all hours of running around from one mall to another, exhausting our energy and emptying our wallets and gas tanks in less time than it takes Donald Trump to insult a half dozen ethnicities,  once you think about it, cyber shopping presents a whole new set of hazards and issues to deal with which should put you off from even touching the keyboard on your iPad 6. And as a result, if you're anything like me, you'll probably wait until 5:50 pm on Dec. 24 to start your trek, anxiously plotting out a route on your GPS,  knowing your family will be OK with the usual assortment of thoughtful gifts that they'll find beneath the tree the next morning which you've so carefully and discriminatingly
selected at the only gas station/minimart you could find that's still open: lottery scratch-off tickets, bags of stale beef jerky and Cheetos, and a half empty 12-pack of Coors Light.

On the other hand, for those of you who dare take that step into cyberspace to accomplish your task, you might want to watch out for these pitfalls:

TOP 10 REASONS TO AVOID HOLIDAY CYBER SHOPPING

10.) You start cybershopping in your underwear, and a message pops up on your screen that says "I can see you shopping in your underwear"

9.) The Amazon driver keeps tossing your packages on your roof

8.) You ordered a 46" flat screen Hi Def TV with Digital Surround Sound and 3D Picture. What shows up at your door is a 26" Schwinn 3-speed with a broken chain and no seat

7.) You think you got the deal of a lifetime by saving $200 on a final sale laptop only to find out that it'll be $100 less at BestBuy on December 26

6.) The Amazon driver keeps tossing your packages on your neighbor's roof

5.) After the website you're trying to order from has crashed for the eighth time in 10 minutes you call their 800 number to hear: "Thank you for calling our customer service hotline. Your time is valuable to us. Please stay on the line and a customer service rep will assist you as soon as possible.  The current estimated waiting time is two and a half days."

4.) Turns out that auction site that you were buying all your stuff from is run by the Russians

3.) The Amazon driver leaves one of your packages on the roof of your car. When you get home, the package is there but the car's been stolen

2.) That annoying kid down the street who keeps hacking into your WiFi is threatening you with blackmail because he knows about the sex toys you ordered

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON TO AVOID HOLIDAY CYBERSHOPPING...

Every time a shopping mall cash register bell rings, another Victoria's Secret Angel gets her wings


Happy Virtual Holidays, Everyone!

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

  

-- Thomas Pynchon

Thanks -- But No Thanks

OK, for starters, a word of full disclosure: I do a pretty good job of cooking a turkey on Thanksgiving.(see the pic at right of 2017's achievement).  But at one time when I was first trying it on my own, I'd usually end up with something that left me running to the local grocer for a Swift's Premium turkey roll.  However, by trial and error, I got better and also picked up a few tricks and short cuts along the way.

However, there are situations  these days where some of you may not be so fortunate to have an expert preparer, and for whatever reason -- necessity, convenience, or just plain ego -- the task of cooking this year's meal has fallen into the lap of someone -- and usually it's a guy -- who probably thinks turkeys are packed in mesh netting to keep them from escaping, but what the hell, he's watched Rachael Ray do it a couple of times so it can't be that hard  -- and yet for better or worse, the task of cooking the most important meal of the year by him leaves us all with a feeling of dread, trepidation and potential food poisoning.

How can you tell he doesn't know what he's doing? Well, it should soon become pretty apparent -- but just  in case you're not sure, I've put together a list of:

TOP 10 SIGNS AN INEXPERIENCED MAN IS COOKING YOUR THANKSGIVING DINNER

10.) The gravy tastes like beer

9.)  Every five minutes you hear an explosion coming from the kitchen

8.)  The stuffing consists of stale raisin bread, Rice-A-Roni, dry mashed potato mix, dog biscuits, beef jerky, frozen lima beans and something unidentifiable that's been in the refrigerator for months

7.)  That stainless steel roasting pan you paid $100 for just to cook a turkey in he's using as a tub for all the dirty cooking utensils

6.)  Times the meal so that he can serve it during the 7 1/2 minute break between the end of Lions' game and the start of the Cowboys'

5.)  The directions say to use a dry rub on the turkey so he covers it with talcum powder

 4.)  You keep finding pieces of raw giblets in the candied yams

3.)  After he makes 30 phone calls to them in the last two hours from your home phone, the 1-800-BUTTERBALL hotline permanently blocks your number

2,)  He feebly tries to justify the bird coming out of the oven that's nearly  burned to a crisp by saying “I thought everyone agreed that black turkeys matter”

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN AN INEXPERIENCED MAN IS COOKING YOUR THANKSGIVING DINNER...

        He tells the family “Hey guys, let's go to Denny's for Thanksgiving!”

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon

Halloween 2021: What to Wear, What to Wear

 

Well, friends, it seems that we can finally start to breathe a bit more easily again (unless that is, you live in certain parts of Florida or Texas), because the bondage we've all been suffering under due to the COVID situation is starting to ease up. So this year, we'll be able to let off a little steam with  Halloween costume parties and maybe some trick or treating.  

But since  the last two years have also seemingly brought with them  a whole new host of frightening creatures and characters, it only seems right that this year's best ghost and goblin costumes should reflect that assortment of misfits and deviants; and  I've got it on reliable authority (the guy that empties the dumpsters at my local Party City) of just what are the hot ticket items this year. So whether you're  going to a party, doing some door to door trick or treating, or just greeting kids on your porch while wearing a costume that is guaranteed to scare the bejeezus out of them, here are my recommendations for the:

 TOP TEN SCARIEST HALLOWEEN COSTUMES FOR 2021

10.) Prom Night Matt

9.) Coffin Tester Mitch

8.) Phantom Of The Adult Book Store

7.)  Eric And Junior, The Two-headed Monster

6.) Apocalypse Kim

5.) Texas Grid Chainsaw Ted 

4.) Andy the Overly Friendly Ghost

3.) Dumpster Demon Steve

2.) Mind Control Mark

AND THE NUMBER ONE SCARIEST HALLOWEEN COSTUME FOR 2021...

Tucker The TV Terrorist








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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."


-- Thomas Pynchon

Donny, We Hardly Could Stand Ye

It's hard to believe, but it's only one day away now.  After four long years, what seems to be a nightmare for many of us is finally coming to an end, and Joe Biden and Kamala Harris will take their oaths of office tomorrow at noon.

But what about Donald? As he makes his last climb up the stairs aboard Air Force One (see photo), what does he have planned for his future now that he'll have a lot of time on his hands?  Oh sure, you'll probably say he'll be playing a lot of golf, traveling around the world or partying with porn stars and Scott Baio. But I happen to know via a reliable source (the assistant to the assistant to the pool boy at Mar a Lago) how he's really planning on using all that available life of leisure.  And so, as a public service, here are the ...

TOP 10 THINGS TRUMP MIGHT DECIDE TO DO NOW THAT HE'S OUT OF OFFICE

10.) Release his health care plan

9.) Buy Greenland (if the Russians will give him a loan)

8.) Join a 12-Step group: P***ygrabbers Anonymous

7.) Start a new business called “Pardons 'R' Us”

6.) Make a once a week visit to the Donald J. Trump Memorial KFC

5.) Try to find Eric an orthodontist and a girlfriend

4.) Claim Rudy Giuliani found millions of uncounted votes for him stashed in an adult bookstore in Philadelphia

3.) Make incessant phone calls to Joe Biden asking him if he'd like any advice on running the country

2.) Divorce Melania, marry Ivanka

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING TRUMP MIGHT DECIDE TO DO NOW THAT HE'S OUT OF OFFICE...

Take a part-time job working the assembly line at the My Pillow factory

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon