A Memorial Day To Forget?

Memorial Day 2022. We all had such high hopes for this year that everything would turn around and we could look forward to our country getting back on the right path. After all, that's the way it always works out here in the USA, right?

Well, sadly maybe not -- at least not this year. With all the confusion, violence, misinformation, legal and political tussles and the cost of everything going sky high, it's no wonder we look upon our holidays this year with a certain degree of fear and trepidation. However, it's my intention to help try and cheer you up by letting you know that if none of the following things happen (or at least most of none of the following things), you've survived to celebrate another day. And so, dear friends, here are the...

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE HAVING A BAD MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND

10.) AN ANGRY MOB JUST SHOWED UP AT YOUR FRONT DOOR AND TOLD YOU “WE'RE PRETENDING IT'S JANUARY 6 AND YOUR HOUSE IS THE CAPITOL”

9.) YOU HAD TO TAKE OUT A SECOND MORTGAGE IN ORDER TO BUY THAT RACK OF RIBS FOR YOUR COOKOUT ON MONDAY

8.) YOUR NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOR JUST SENT HIS KIDS OVER TO SIPHON GASOLINE OUT OF YOUR TOYOTA HYBRID

7.) YOU'RE LESS WORRIED ABOUT RAIN SPOILING YOUR WEEKEND THAN YOU ARE ABOUT YOUR PARTY TENT BEING BROUGHT DOWN BY A COUPLE OF RUSSIAN MISSILES 

6.) YOUR TOWN'S MEMORIAL DAY PARADE THIS YEAR CONSISTS ENTIRELY OF FIRST RESPONDERS PASSING OUT COVID HOME TESTS

5.) DUE TO BUDGET CUTS, THAT FLYOVER BY THE BLUE ANGELS DURING YOUR TOWN'S MEMORIAL DAY SERVICES WAS CANCELLED AND REPLACED BY ONE GUY DOING ACROBATICS ON A BIPLANE

4.) YOU WENT TO THE STORE TO PICK UP A BAG OF CHARCOAL AND WERE TRAMPLED BY A BUNCH OF NEW MOTHERS WHO HEARD THAT A SHIPMENT OF BABY FORMULA JUST ARRIVED

3.) THANKS TO INFLATION, THAT $39 MATTRESS YOU PLANNED ON BUYING HAS SHOT UP TO $598

2.) AT THE FAMILY PICNIC, YOU ACCIDENTALLY MENTION YOUR UNCLE WHO FLED TO CANADA DURING THE VIETNAM WAR

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING THAT WILL COMPLETELY RUIN YOUR MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND (AND DESERVEDLY SO)...

THE NRA JUST VOTED YOU ITS "MAN OF THE YEAR"

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

  -- Thomas Pynchon

The Brady Bluff

OK, so if you were in Vegas yesterday (or anywhere else where gambling is legal), you may have figured that sooner or later, it'd be even money that Tom Brady would reconsider retiring  -- and whether it's because of a deep personal insecurity, his kids keep pestering him to take them to Disney World or his generosity in maybe buying a relative that condo in Miami they always dreamed of, it's now official: he'll be back with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers  for the 2022 season, a fact I never doubted would happen. 

And why was I so sure about this news? Because I got the inside scoop from someone who knows all the Brady family secrets -- Gisele's pedicurist, Madame Le Foote. It seems that there is no single piece of juicy family info that Mrs. Brady doesn't eventually let slip down her legs to her  feet and ultimately between her toes. At any rate, here then for all you football fans, (pro- and anti-Brady alike) are the:

TOP 10 REASONS WHY TOM BRADY IS UNRETIRING

10.) WANTS TO SEE WHO WILL LAST LONGER – HIM OR QUEEN ELIZABETH

9.) IT'S GETTING EXPENSIVE TO BUY ALL THE RAW MEAT THAT HE HAS TO TOSS TO ROB GRONKOWSKI

8.) HOPES TO KEEP PLAYING LONG ENOUGH TO WIN 11 SUPER BOWL RINGS – 10 FOR THE FINGERS AND ONE FOR WHEREVER ELSE HE WANTS TO WEAR IT

7.) DONALD TRUMP PROMISED HIM A FREE WEEKEND AT MAR A LAGO IF HE PLAYS 10 MORE SEASONS

6.) IS EMBARRASSED BY THE FACT THAT WIFE GISELE CLAIMS HIM AS A RETIRED ELDERLY DEPENDENT ON HER TAX RETURN

5.) JUST SIGNED A CONTRACT TO ENDORSE AGE-DEFYING CHEWABLE GUMMY BEAR STEROIDS AND WANTS TO PROVE THEY WORK

4.) PAYING TO HAVE A BUNCH OF TOM BRADY FANS WILDLY CHEERING FOR HIM IN EVERY ROOM OF HIS HOUSE IS JUST GETTING TOO PRICEY

3.) HAVING TO SIT AT HOME ALL DAY BINGE WATCHING EPISODES OF “DR. PIMPLE POPPER” IS MAKING HIM STIR CRAZY

2.) JUST CAN'T RESIST THE URGE TO KEEP TRYING TO DEFLATE HIS BALLS

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY TOM BRADY IS UNRETIRING...

BRETT FAVRE TOLD HIM THAT IF YOU ONLY RETIRE ONCE, NO ONE WILL NOTICE

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

  -- Thomas Pynchon

Super Blahs

Ah, it's finally here. Super Bowl LVI. (56 for those of you who skipped out on Latin class in high school.) And regardless of whether it's at some corner sports bar where everybody knows your name or in an elegant penthouse suite somewhere in the stratosphere where you're mingling with the mighty, rich and famous, you're ready to make the most of the day, from your online parlays to hopefully cheering for your favorite team who's made it this far. Nothing can go wrong.

Or can it?  Once you show up at your Super Soiree, it should soon become apparent from what's going on around you that you're not going to have the fun evening you expected to have. Little things will start to happen that let you know that this is not the evening of raucous fun, team spirit and raw energy you were planning on indulging in. And so, to prepare you for that  possibility and give you some clues as to where the evening may be headed, I'm offering the:

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE AT A BAD SUPER BOWL PARTY

10.) The Buffalo wings still have all their feathers attached

9.) First prize in the party's Super Bowl pool is a year's supply of Ivermectin 

8.) Miley Cyrus' top just fell off into the guacamole dip

7) Donald Trump is wandering around muttering “It's rigged, we all know it's rigged” and you don't know whether he's talking about the game or still talking about the election

6.) A Buffalo Bills fan just jumped on the buffet table, smashing it to pieces

5.) Someone keeps switching the big-screen TV over to NBC Peacock to watch the Olympic pairs ice dancing competition

4.) People start leaving to head for what they hear is a really good Super Bowl party at Denny's

3.) Snoop Dogg stops by before the halftime show to do a joint, filling the room with smoke and causing everyone to get so high that they completely forget why they're partying

2.) Matt Gaetz suggests that you and he cut out early and go looking for some underaged cheerleaders

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'RE AT A BAD SUPER BOWL PARTY

Tom Brady is trying to deflate the cheese balls

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

  -- Thomas Pynchon