In the end I decided to go, but after wondering why it took me so long to make up my mind, I realized that anyone who goes to such an event (especially when you're so many years removed from your high school days) really needs to have some compelling reasons for wanting to attend -- and after all, you can never experience too much angst (or require too much prescription medication) when going to one of these things. So after thinking hard and long (and hoping that some disgruntled ex-classmate doesn't end up putting out a hit on me) I deviated a bit from my usual Top 10 list and came up with the following:
TOP 16 REASONS WHY PEOPLE WOULD WANT TO ATTEND RUSH-HENRIETTA’S 45TH YEAR CLASS REUNION
16.) Good chance to compare hip replacement scars
15.) Finally got clean and sober after 45 years and wanted to tell everyone about how great was the last place you remember being: Woodstock
14.) Wanted to check and see if anyone ever turned in that wallet you lost in 10th grade
13.) Determined to go even if it means running into your first wife -- as well as your second, third and fourth ones
12.) Still hoping to get credit for Driver’s Ed Class so you can take your road test
11.) You can tell everyone you’re working on your 15th Master’s degree -- you’re NEVER going to stop being a student!
10.) Can finally get revenge against the guy you sat next to in the Physics final whose test you copied and ended up with a “D”
9.) That Beamer you’re paying $900 a month for ain’t impressing anyone just sitting in the driveway
8.) Wonder when you mention the name "Rush" how many people think you're referring to Limbaugh
7.) Want to see whose boobs have sunk lower than the foundation on your condo in Florida
6.) Can't believe it's been 45 years since the following three things happened: the moon landing, Nixon becoming president, and Rush-Henrietta officially getting rid of you
5.) Convinced you’ll be the hottest grandmother in the house -- whoops, no, that's just another late unexpected menopause flash
4.) Want to check and see if that special someone you had a secret crush on in high school is still the same sex
3.) Were hoping to see 300 classmates -- what you‘ll see is 600 chins
2.) You missed the 10th, 20th, and 30th reunions, and -- hey, wait, you already went to a 45th reunion -- what school is this again?
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY PEOPLE WOULD WANT TO ATTEND RUSH HENRIETTA’S 45TH YEAR CLASS REUNION…
Ebola will probably wipe us all out before the 50th
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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."
-- Thomas Pynchon
