Another (Wasted) Auld Lang Syne...

So--does it still seem like 2014 started about a week ago, and this year has just zipped by?  Well, it does to me, and even though this year had more good times than bad, I can feel my stomach start to tighten up as I,  like millions of other people, must face that dreaded annual ritual the (cough!) New Year's Eve party. 

Face it, we've all been to parties that turned out to be real duds, but since each year brings with it its own set of circumstances and frame of reference, I find it helpful to be aware in advance of how to tell I'm stuck at a clunker. And so, for the second year in a row, and in an effort to help you get 2015 off to a reasonably sane start, I'm offering my own...

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU’RE AT A BAD NEW YEAR’S EVE PARTY

10.) At 11:55 pm everyone decides to head over to Walmart to return the Christmas gifts they didn't like 

9.) When you arrive for the White House party and discover you forgot your invitation, the Secret Service agents offer to let you jump the fence

8.) The first person you meet at the door heartily shakes your hand, gives you a hug and says “Hi! I just got back from West Africa!”
 
7.) You’re on your way to Nik Wallenda’s party when suddenly you realize what he meant when he told you “It’s just a short walk between buildings”
 
6.) You arrive at Donald Sterling's party just in time to hear him and Paula Deen sing a heartfelt rendition of “I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas”

5.) One of the items on the finger food tray is Jose Canseco’s actual finger

4.) Everyone is standing around looking at their smartphones, waiting for their bootleg copy of “The Interview” to download

3.) You're so bored that you wish you were home watching “Hoda and Kathie Lee’s Drunken Toast To 2014”

2.) You’re at Dick Cheney’s party where he informs you that you're about to become  the highlight of the evening’s “Enhanced Entertainment”

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU’RE AT A BAD NEW YEAR’S EVE PARTY…

It's at Bill Cosby’s place


(Happy New Year, everyone!)

 

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

 

-- Thomas Pynchon

"Class Reunion? -- Quick, Hand Me The Zoloft!"

Well, it's finally upon me -- my 45th year high school reunion.  Rush-Henrietta Senior High School, Henrietta, NY, Class of '69 (the first class to graduate from the new high

school in the district).  I received a notice about it a couple of months ago and  was sitting  on the fence ever since about whether or not to attend.  

In the end I decided to go, but after wondering why it took me so long to make up my mind, I realized that anyone who goes to such an event (especially when you're so many years removed from your high school days)  really needs to have some compelling reasons for wanting to attend -- and after all, you can never experience too much angst (or require too much prescription medication) when going to one of these things.  So after thinking hard and long  (and hoping that some disgruntled ex-classmate doesn't end up putting out a hit on me) I deviated a bit from my usual Top 10 list and came up with  the following:
 
TOP 16 REASONS WHY PEOPLE WOULD WANT TO ATTEND RUSH-HENRIETTA’S 45TH YEAR CLASS REUNION

16.) Good chance to compare hip replacement scars
 
15.) Finally got clean and sober after 45 years and wanted to tell everyone about  how great was the last place you remember being: Woodstock

14.) Wanted to check and see if anyone ever turned in that wallet you lost in 10th grade
 
13.) Determined to go even if it means running into your first wife -- as well as your second, third and fourth ones

12.) Still hoping to get credit for Driver’s Ed Class so you can take your road test

11.) You can tell everyone you’re working on your 15th Master’s degree -- you’re NEVER going to stop being a student!

10.) Can finally get revenge against the guy you sat next to in the Physics final whose test you copied and ended up with a “D”
 
9.) That Beamer you’re paying $900 a month for ain’t impressing anyone just sitting in the driveway

8.) Wonder when you mention the name "Rush" how many people think you're referring to Limbaugh

7.) Want to see whose boobs have sunk lower than the foundation on your condo in Florida

6.) Can't believe it's been 45 years since the following three things happened: the moon landing, Nixon becoming president, and Rush-Henrietta officially getting rid of you

5.) Convinced you’ll be the hottest grandmother in the house -- whoops, no, that's just another late unexpected menopause flash

4.) Want to check and see if that special someone you had a secret crush on in high school is still the same sex
 
3.) Were hoping to see 300 classmates -- what you‘ll see is 600 chins

2.) You missed the 10th, 20th, and 30th reunions, and -- hey, wait, you already went to a 45th reunion -- what school is this again?

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY PEOPLE WOULD WANT TO ATTEND RUSH HENRIETTA’S 45TH  YEAR CLASS REUNION…

Ebola will probably wipe us all out before the 50th
 

 

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon