OK, let's get right to the point: Our country has been collectively walking on eggshells ever since election day. Half of us are giddy with excitement and half of us are terrified of what might transpire over the next four years. But regardless, we all know either way, tears will be shed, either of joy or of sorrow.
But how about a middle option? Amidst all the pageantry, color and bad taste, let's take tomorrow's events for what they're worth and have some fun with them by shedding a few tears of laughter. After all, now that Ringling Bros. is closing down, what better show on earth is there to entertain us but the one starting tomorrow with the greatest ringmaster of them all in charge? And so, looking toward the next four years while at the same time keeping in mind the words of Bette Davis: "Fasten your seat belts, boys. It's going to be a bumpy ride," Here are the...
TOP 10 THINGS YOU'LL PROBABLY HEAR AT
DONALD TRUMP'S INAUGURATION
10.) “Mr. and Mrs. Trump? The
Clintons just arrived and they say you're in their seats”
9.) “They haven't started yet because they're waiting for the Russian interpreter to show up and translate Trump's speech into English"”
8.) ”Ladies and gentlemen, please keep
the lines moving! Billionaires straight ahead, and everyone else
around the wall and in through the kitchen entrance”
7.) “Hey, Christie! It's raining
here! Where the hell's the umbrella you're supposed to be holding
over us?"
6.) “Thank you, my fellow Americans.
I've been told to always start a good speech off with a joke, so
here goes: Two Muslims walk into a Mexican restaurant...”
5.) “Uh, President Trump, the NSA, the FBI,
the CIA and the Secret Service all just called. They said you're on
your own”
4.) “Well, Mrs. Biden, looks
like Michelle and I will have to pay up on that bet we made with you
that your husband wouldn't show up in a Captain America costume”
3.) “Boy, Melania looks so hot today,
I can't wait to get her into the Lincoln bedroom tonight. Of course,
if Ivanka weren't my daughter...”
2.) “I, Donald J. Trump do
solemnly swear... that I never said any of those things that the
lying liberal media said I said”
AND THE NUMBER ONE THING YOU'LL
PROBABLY HEAR AT DONALD TRUMP'S INAUGURATION...
“I give him six months, eight
months tops. and then he'll get bored and decide to go back to just
being governor of Indiana”
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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."
-- Thomas Pynchon
