Every year at this time, I start to think about facing the prospect of starting -- and hopefully ending -- my holiday shopping, worrying about what I'm going to buy, how much I'm going to spend and how much of a miracle it will be to have retained my sanity when it's over.
Fortunately, I have a release valve. My writing, which has helped me cope, and I've come up with a number of song parodies over the years to put the season into perspective. And sometimes they've made me a little bit of money too. An example:
Back in 1986, I was writing for radio personality Joey Reynolds at WNBC Radio in New York City -- yep, the same station that had Don Imus, Soupy Sales and Howard Stern before he was fired. Joey held down the 3 pm-7 pm shift and I'd mail him or fax him jokes from Rochester. But I also got the chance to fly down to NYC and would sit in on the show on several occasions where I had the chance to pass him jokes and zingers that I'd come up with off the top of my head depending on the situation.
In December, Joey decided to do something that to our knowledge hadn't been done before (and to our knowledge hasn't been done since). Since the station was located in the GE Building in Rockefeller Center, he wanted to do a live remote radio sing-along out by the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree, and asked me and a young lady comedian who had just recently moved to New York and was appearing on his show occasionally to come up with some "Fractured Christmas Carols", parodies of well-known holiday songs and we were happy to oblige.
When the day came to do the live sing-along, I flew down to New York so I could be there for the fun. Joey's producer ran off about 100 copies of each of the songs I wrote and each of the songs the young comedian wrote and we bundled up and headed out to the tree. We passed out copies of the songs to the tourists and sightseers who really got into belting out the tunes, and had a fantastic time.
What did I write? Stuff like the following:
HARK! THE PUBLIC GOES INSANE
(sung to the tune of "Hark! The Herald Angels Sing")
Hark! The public goes insane.
Christmas time is here again.
Rushing madly thru' the aisles,
On their faces frozen smiles.
Joyful all ye merchants rise!
Raise the prices to the skies!
Now's the time to grab their dough.
Sell 'em junk before they know.
Hark! The merchants never fail
Raking cash in by the bale.
Selling junk to all who'll buy it.
We won't even let you try it.
As we rob you blind again,
"Peace on earth, good will toward men."
Spending money ain't so hard.
Just pull out your credit card.
Think what damage it would do
If there were no chumps like you.
Hark! the public goes insane.
Christmas time is here again.
It was one of the best holiday experiences I've ever had. Oh, and what happened to the young lady comedian? Well, she went on to have a successful career and starred in her own hit TV show in the '90s. I guess Christmas miracles do happen.
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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."
-- Thomas Pynchon
