Well, here it is, Dear Friends: the end of 2013 and the beginning of a new year; a fresh start, a brighter vision and a sigh of relief that we all made it through another 365 days of chaos despite all. And we all look forward to making 2014 the best year we can.But despite our high hopes and aspirations, we've got one final obstacle to overcome: the festivities of tomorrow night, also know as New Year's Eve, when it seems at times as if that is a point at which all scores are settled, all playing fields are leveled and all bad deeds finally and justly rewarded. And just as this year seemed to have its own unique occasions and circumstances, it might be helpful to keep in mind that the party you attend to celebrate the new year may come with it's own set of pitfalls.
And so, while you're busy spiking your egg nog, waiting for the UPS truck to arrive with that last shipment of undelivered Christmas gifts, or rushing to Target to try and salvage what's left of your credit, here are some tips you might want to keep in mind tomorrow night to let you know you've showed up at a real clunker:
TOP 10 SIGNS YOU’RE AT A BAD NEW YEAR’S EVE PARTY
10) MILEY CYRUS IS TWERKIN’ THE PUNCH BOWL
9) AT THE FOX NEWS PARTY SOMEONE HANDS YOU A PARTY HORN AND YELLS “HAPPY NEW YEAR! HONK IF YOU LOVE A WHITE JESUS!”
8) YOU JUST ARRIVED AT THE NSA HEADQUARTERS PARTY AND EVERYONE THERE IMMEDIATELY STARTS GRILLING YOU ABOUT YOUR LAST 50 TEXT MESSAGES
7) THE FIRST THING YOU SEE IS KIND, PIOUS, SAINTLY OLD POPE FRANCIS DANCING THE HARLEM SHAKE
6) MILEY CYRUS IS TWERKIN’ THE SHRIMP PLATTER
5) YOUR PARTY ON BOARD A CARNIVAL CRUISE SHIP IS INTERRUPTED BY THE ANNOUNCEMENT “YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE! IT IS ALMOST MIDNIGHT -- PLEASE CONSERVE FOOD AND WATER!”
4) ONE OF THE KARDASHIAN SISTERS COMES OVER TO YOU AND SAYS SHE JUST FOUND THE MAN THAT SHE PLANS TO SPEND THE REST OF THE NEXT 18 MONTHS OF HER LIFE WITH
3) UH OH! -- MILEY CYRUS IS TWERKIN’ POPE FRANCIS
2) YOU WANTED TO GO TO THE OBAMAS’ PARTY BUT EVERY TIME YOU TRIED TO RESPOND TO THEIR ONLINE INVITATION THE WEBSITE CRASHED
AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU’RE AT A BAD NEW YEAR’S EVE PARTY…
9) AT THE FOX NEWS PARTY SOMEONE HANDS YOU A PARTY HORN AND YELLS “HAPPY NEW YEAR! HONK IF YOU LOVE A WHITE JESUS!”
8) YOU JUST ARRIVED AT THE NSA HEADQUARTERS PARTY AND EVERYONE THERE IMMEDIATELY STARTS GRILLING YOU ABOUT YOUR LAST 50 TEXT MESSAGES
7) THE FIRST THING YOU SEE IS KIND, PIOUS, SAINTLY OLD POPE FRANCIS DANCING THE HARLEM SHAKE
6) MILEY CYRUS IS TWERKIN’ THE SHRIMP PLATTER
5) YOUR PARTY ON BOARD A CARNIVAL CRUISE SHIP IS INTERRUPTED BY THE ANNOUNCEMENT “YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE! IT IS ALMOST MIDNIGHT -- PLEASE CONSERVE FOOD AND WATER!”
4) ONE OF THE KARDASHIAN SISTERS COMES OVER TO YOU AND SAYS SHE JUST FOUND THE MAN THAT SHE PLANS TO SPEND THE REST OF THE NEXT 18 MONTHS OF HER LIFE WITH
3) UH OH! -- MILEY CYRUS IS TWERKIN’ POPE FRANCIS
2) YOU WANTED TO GO TO THE OBAMAS’ PARTY BUT EVERY TIME YOU TRIED TO RESPOND TO THEIR ONLINE INVITATION THE WEBSITE CRASHED
AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU’RE AT A BAD NEW YEAR’S EVE PARTY…
THE LABEL ON YOUR DUCK DYNASTY DUCK CALL NOISEMAKER SAYS “BLOW ME”
Happy New Year, everyone -- I hope!
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"Every weirdo in the world is on my
wavelength."
-- Thomas Pynchon
